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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This isn’t right is it?

100 replies

HopelessRomance · 11/07/2019 15:47

I’ve been seeing someone for 3 months. Had a massive crush on him for the last 2 years so have really wanted this to work which I think is making me ignore some things which are wrong.

Positives are that he’s funny, kind and caring with his family, makes me feel happy when I’m with him.

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day and I only see him once a week. If I don’t text him in the morning he wouldn’t text me at all in the day. I feel like the only time he talks more to me is when he wants me to go over to his house. When I see him I usually end up going to his house and we end up in bed watching films having sex. I think we’ve only actually been out to do something 3 times since we’ve been together. I don’t mind this so much because I’m the type of person that prefers staying in to going out but does this sound like it’s just about sex for him?

I asked him to come over to mine one day last week and he said he thought he’d be too busy but would let me know if he’d be able to or not - he didn’t let me know until I ended up texting to ask why he hadn’t let me know and he said he’d got caught up with what he was doing.

He went away to stay with family for a week recently, I asked him to let me know when he’d got there - he didn’t and again didn’t text me the next day until I text him first.

Does this sound like I’m expecting too much for him to let me know he’s got there safe? I know we haven’t been together long and I might be pushing too much expecting him to be in touch with me when he’s with his family?

On the one hand I feel like I keep making excuses to myself for how he’s been with me but on the other I feel like I’m maybe being a bit needy and expecting too much at this early stage because of how I’ve felt about him before.

OP posts:

Sagradafamiliar · 11/07/2019 22:38

He's a messer. You're not needy. It's normal to text the person you're into, let alone in a relationship with. I don't know why you're agreeing with people calling you needy, although it leads me to think you're used to accepting any old crap.

Karwomannghia · 11/07/2019 22:43

10 isn’t a lot for many people.
What I’d be worried about is that he sounds a bit lazy and boring. Does he smoke a lot of weed/ game a lot?

Ravenesque · 11/07/2019 23:06

I think if we all look the @ThinkWittyThoughts example of ten texts we can all agree that that is in no way excessive.

OP, please don't start thinking that you're needy. You really aren't.

motherheroic · 11/07/2019 23:13

Really surprised at people saying 10 texts a day is a lot!? Are you talking about SMS messages or WhatsApp. Because I can shoot off 10 messages back and forth within half an hour with the person I'm seeing.

ExtraFox19 · 11/07/2019 23:15

Don’t torture yourself. I wish I’d left a similar situation but I ended up marrying him. He didn’t really love my.

ExtraFox19 · 11/07/2019 23:16

pictish · 11/07/2019 23:18

It’s the fact that his actions don’t match up to his words. He sweet talks you then doesn’t follow through. He paints a notion of a future but treats you like you don’t factor in it.

Never judge someone by what they say but by what they do.

Bookworm4 · 11/07/2019 23:21

3 mths in and he doesn’t take you out? Once a week visit for a shag? That’s not a relationship, he’s probably got another girl on the go. Stop analysing and just delete and block, it’s not getting better.

AzraiL · 12/07/2019 02:54

He might be saying all the right things OP, but words mean nothing if the behaviour doesn't match.

Throughthenever · 12/07/2019 03:54

Omg cant believe people think 10 texts is alot. I have been with dh 6 years and send more than 10 texts a day.

OP I know you said you dont want to play the game but sometimes you have to.

Prior to meeting dh I was always the one who text first, chasing, doing the legwork.

When he contacted me through a dating site I decided this time to play it cool. He would text me and I would leave it a little bit before replying. Sometimes only 10 mins or if it was late in evening I would wait till morning.

He would organise the get togethers and did most the driving, and on our first date I wouldn't let him walk me back to my car.

When he would visit his parents 1.5 hours away he would text to say he was there. And even now will text me when he gets to work or leaving the office and I do the same because we love and respect each other.

Because he was making the effort it made me feel like he wanted me.

Within 2 months I had a key to his place, 6 months I moved in, 9 months engaged, 18 months married with a house together, 6 years expecting our 2nd child.

You dont sound needy to me and I know you are possibly not at the "love" stage yet but you should be in honeymoon period so textx conversations about utter crap or late night chats arent unusual.

I would probably cool off your contact but expect it to end (manage those expectations) if he suddenly starts picking up contact then let him do the majority that will tell you if he is interested. If things do pick up then every so often be the first to instigate things so he knows you are still interested though so you dont end up with a reverse situation.

Remember if this doesn't work out then there are plenty more guys (or girls) out there

Sweetpearose · 12/07/2019 04:06

With what's app, Facebook messenger and iMessage texting isn't now it used to be - lengthy messages asking lots of questions. Now (IMO) it's short chatty instant messages so 10 messages is nothing!! He sounds hard work - if you really like him then hold off texting him and see if he actually contacts you. It's hard but it certainly shows whether he can be bothered!

Sweetpearose · 12/07/2019 04:10

I also don't think you're being needy either!!!! No one is ever needy when they meet the right guy because that guy never makes them question how often they should be texting/calling/seeing them!!

catismychild · 12/07/2019 04:26

OP stop texting him first and see what happens. I don't think you will hear much, if anything, from him.
Don't take this the wrong way but it seems like he just sees you as easy and good for now. He gets to put in minimal effort and still gets weekly sex. That is booty call territory, nothing wrong with that if you're happy with it too, but its not a relationship. Tell him what you expect in a relationship, if he can't meet those expectations fuck him off.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2019 04:29

When people say I’m too available, what does that mean exactly?

It means he knows you are asking nothing of him because he knows you don't want to lose him, whereas he feels he has options.

it was him that bought up being bf/gf, he’s wanted to talk about kids when I hadn’t even thought about that with it only being 3 months, he’s said to me he wants to be with me and wants to make sure it works out and that he doesn’t mess it up but then everything he does doesn’t show me any of that.

He is playing games with you. Or love bombing you with this talk. Both are big red flags.

End this now.

TriptychDebbie · 12/07/2019 04:34

If he's this neglectful of your feelings after only 3 months of dating, that's not the sign of a decent relationship.

I had a (brief) relationship with someone like this. It all came to a head one night after we'd been out for a meal and he bumped into some friends of his and pretty much ignored me for the rest of the evening. Got a taxi home with him to mine and shut the door before he'd got out, waved him off and left it at that.

Cut your losses and move on.

IfItIsntYerManRobert · 12/07/2019 05:06

You know what they say, the person who cares the least holds the power.

I would back right off. See how long it takes for him to text you.

Reply, and then back off again.

I know it feels like game-playing, but maybe you need to do that to get a bit of insight.

You do genuinely need to back off, though. If he doesn't text for a couple of days, and you give in and text, it's wasted.

See what happens if he suddenly twigs you're not at his beck and call.

I don't think he's the guy for you, because you don't need to do any game-playing with decent guys who are interested.

It's easy and natural, and there's no obsessing or over-analysing or constantly trying to figure out WHY???!

Durgasarrow · 12/07/2019 05:08

Ten texts a day would drive me out of my mind. But he isn't exactly wooing you, or acting excited about seeing you or caring about you. I don't think you two are on the same wavelength.

TeddybearBaby · 12/07/2019 05:27

I don’t think 10 texts is anything tbh. I can completely imagine how a 10 text convo would go and it wouldn’t even scratch the surface dialogue wise.

My advice to you and I know this is hard because you really like him but ignore the words and focus on the actions / behaviour. Sounds like you know your standards / boundaries. You want someone to show you they care / make an effort. It’s not really about the texts, it’s just that you’ve associated how much he cares or is thinking of you to how much he communicates. Makes sense to me since you don’t see him or anything so all you have is texts.

I’d be really honest about how you feel and what you need from this relationship and then back riiiiiiiiight off. No more of this doing all the running. Be confident in yourself. I know you’ve tied him up in the fantasy of finally getting your man and the happily ever after but in reality he’s not really doing enough. The only way you’ll get what you want is if you assert your standards. You might lose him but that will just mean there’s someone better for you, who’s going to adore you and you won’t need to question how they feel.

When someone shows you who they are believe them x

MyGastIsFlabbered · 12/07/2019 05:52

Gosh my DP and I chat over WhatsApp all day...I dread to think how many messages we send. There's no right or wrong amount, it's what works for you both as a couple. It doesn't sound like it's working for you OP. I had a relationship like yours where all we did was I'd go to his house, we'd watch a film and have sex. I think it limped on for about 6 months and in that time we went out twice, maybe three times. I ditched him in the end.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 12/07/2019 05:56

I agree with azrail

And...
I think 10 messages is nothing. (DP and I were sending probably hundreds for the first 6 months as all we wanted to do was talk to and see each other.)
I think seeing each other once a week is not a lot.

Please stop with the “it’s me! I should change!” It’s not you. I don’t think you are clingy or expecting too much but I do think you are wasting your time. (Sorry!)

Information I wish I had 10 years ago:
When it’s the right person it is so so so easy, so effortless and it only makes you feel good ( no nerves, no worries, no niggling doubts)

Rosemary46 · 12/07/2019 06:52

Op you are confused because you are listening to what he says, so you think you are dating.

MNers are listening to what he DOES and concluding that you are his booty call , there is no relationship and likely never will be.

I expect that he will stop contacting you as soon as he gets a serious GF. You will be devastated and he will point out that it was only ever a casual thing and he has made no commitment to you.

waterrat · 12/07/2019 08:43

Don't listen to his words OP look at his actions.

And think about how those actions make you feel. You aren't enjoying the relationship and you need to be honest that it's ok to want something other than what he is giving you.

hadthesnip2 · 12/07/2019 09:30

Sadly you & him are just not on the same page. Only way around it is to talk to him, tell him how you feel & see if he changes. If he doesn't then he's not the one for you & you need to move on.

I was in a "relationship" for 5 years which ended last year. It was more of a fwb as we did mainly what you are doing - staying in , watching TV & having sex. It suited me but not her. But she was like your dp. She would hardly text (probably 2 or 3 times a WEEK) and would text on her way home from work saying that she would text later after she had eaten & relaxed.....but then didnt. I gave up in the end. I like lots of texting & with recent fwb's we'd be texting all day & night......maybe hundreds of exchanges via WhatsApp on a day

MissDew · 12/07/2019 12:57

It was him that bought up being bf/gf, he’s wanted to talk about kids when I hadn’t even thought about that with it only being 3 months, he’s said to me he wants to be with me and wants to make sure it works out and that he doesn’t mess it up but then everything he does doesn’t show me any of that.

He's telling you what (he thinks) you want to hear so you will give him what he wants. It's just dialogue to justify his actions. He's dangling the possibility of a future with you just for your attention. You will probably still be getting the same old baloney from him in a year's time.

I hope he's not sneering at you, privately, for accepting so little from him. He has not had to work to get or keep your attention. He puts no effort into the relationship that you think you are having.

What is stopping you from calling his bluff on his actions/inaction ? You seem like you are tiptoeing around him, scared to start a row.

That's the real problem isn't it ?

Original poster

HopelessRomance · 12/07/2019 16:28

Yes I think you’re right MissDew I am scared to bring it up to him because deep down i know it’s going to confirm what I’m already thinking... that’s the whole reason why I need to bring it up tho isn’t it.

I haven’t text him today and haven’t heard anything from him up to now so think I’ll just leave it and if he gets in touch I’ll tell him how I’ve been feeling and see how he responds.

OP posts:

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