This isn’t right is it?

[HopelessRomance]

I’ve been seeing someone for 3 months. Had a massive crush on him for the last 2 years so have really wanted this to work which I think is making me ignore some things which are wrong.

Positives are that he’s funny, kind and caring with his family, makes me feel happy when I’m with him.

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day and I only see him once a week. If I don’t text him in the morning he wouldn’t text me at all in the day. I feel like the only time he talks more to me is when he wants me to go over to his house. When I see him I usually end up going to his house and we end up in bed watching films having sex. I think we’ve only actually been out to do something 3 times since we’ve been together. I don’t mind this so much because I’m the type of person that prefers staying in to going out but does this sound like it’s just about sex for him?

I asked him to come over to mine one day last week and he said he thought he’d be too busy but would let me know if he’d be able to or not - he didn’t let me know until I ended up texting to ask why he hadn’t let me know and he said he’d got caught up with what he was doing.

He went away to stay with family for a week recently, I asked him to let me know when he’d got there - he didn’t and again didn’t text me the next day until I text him first.

Does this sound like I’m expecting too much for him to let me know he’s got there safe? I know we haven’t been together long and I might be pushing too much expecting him to be in touch with me when he’s with his family?

On the one hand I feel like I keep making excuses to myself for how he’s been with me but on the other I feel like I’m maybe being a bit needy and expecting too much at this early stage because of how I’ve felt about him before.

When a guy is into you they make an effort. This one is not making an effort. I think our problem is that some of us want it to work out so badly that we search for hidden meanings in behaviours where there are none, over-analyze things and then start to think of them or the relationship as 'complicated'. They seriously aren't. It seriously isn't. When you like someone you want to be around them, communicate with them, hear their voice. Men are no different. He's just not as excited about this as you. Time to move on.

I’m a bit surprised people think that is a lot when it’s at the stage of trying to get to know someone too.. At this early stage of a relationship, you get to know each other by being together. Texts saying ‘good morning’, ‘what are you doing today’, etc aren’t getting to know the person. They’re surface chit chat. I have to agree with other that you are his booty call, nothing more. You deserve better.

At the start of a relationship is when he should be making the most effort! You say he doesn’t usually text unless you text him first. You ask him over and he doesn’t bother to let you know because he’s been busy. Sorry, ‘he’s just not that into you’.

10 messages a day is a lot! Plus the text that he gets somewhere ok seems very needy. Perhaps you're not very well suited

This is not a relationship , or if it is it’s only on your side . Why do you only see him once a week ? Personally I’d just not contact him at all and see how long it takes for him to get in touch and if / when he does if it’s to invite you over for sex then there’s your answer

See I’ve thought like some people have said if you cared about someone and wanted to be with them then you’d make the effort to want to spend time with them/talk with them. I haven’t felt like that’s what he’s wanted but I’m happy to accept I’m being needy and will back off in my expectations of him.

The asking to text when he arrived was only a one time thing, the journey involved a flight and I just wanted to know that he’d got there ok, I didn’t realise that was a lot to ask. Obviously he’s felt the same because he didn’t text me. It’s things like that that make question things though because he said he would and then doesn’t and didn’t even text me the following morning instead. It took until I text him again first, I text because I want to speak to him and know he’s ok but it makes me feel like he doesn’t want that from me because he never bothers.

Stop the messaging, arrange something to do, anything that you think is his sort of thing - that you would also like to do. If he says no, or stands you up you have your answer. Also, give him time to miss you! Men fall for you when you are NOT there, not when you are constantly asking for attention, so be nice, but be much less available. You are WAY too available!!!

Then if he doesn't want you dump. Good luck. x

He's just not that into you

Sounds more like a booty call than a relationship OP. Sorry.

I'd really back off and let him make the next move. Don't text him in the mornings. Don't go over to his at his beck and call.
You should be going out on dates, having fun and I should be more straightforward than that so early on.

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day and I only see him once a week. If I don’t text him in the morning he wouldn’t text me at all in the day. I feel like the only time he talks more to me is when he wants me to go over to his house. When I see him I usually end up going to his house and we end up in bed watching films having sex. I think we’ve only actually been out to do something 3 times since we’ve been together. I don’t mind this so much because I’m the type of person that prefers staying in to going out but does this sound like it’s just about sex for him?

What did we all do before mobile phones and texting?!

I wouldn't be worried about the number of texts. Thats not your problem. Its whether you have quality time and talk when you see each other or whether its just about sex and whether you make time to see each other a priority. That doesn't mean he can't say, 'i'm busy'; its whether he's busy ALL the time when you make a suggestion and its on your terms. Or whether he makes an effort when you don't contact him.

You see I don't think say 5 whatsapps back and forth each is a lot AT ALL: I exchanged more messages than that with my DP before we'd even met (online dating). A natural conversation lasts more than 5 simple exchanges. I probably send my DP about 20 messages a day - we like to talk to each other?

It does sound a bit surface though OP. A few casual 'how are you' messages and a hookup once a week isn't really building a foundation. He might have wanted you to be his girlfriend but now sees you going along with a casual arrangement so has no incentive to up the ante. If you want something more serious, ask him to go out in a proper scenario and see what happens. If he's not into it you'll know soon enough.

the not texting you while he's on holiday sounds like he's not thinking about you. He's taking advantage of the fact that you are available and he knows you had a crush on him. If you only see him once a week - and he won't come to your place or see you with your friends, how is he spending the rest of his time. When you go out do you get to meet his friends/family? if not It doesn't sound fair and you'd be better looking for someone who is more into you. If he was he'd be texting you on holiday to tell you he missed you. Sorry OP. Its not fair. You do deserve better than this treatment.

I was in a situation like that,I just didn't call to see what would happen.Never heard from him again.His loss!

Sorry, sounds like he's just using you for sex to be honest. Back waaaay off.

When people say I’m too available, what does that mean exactly? That I shouldn’t reply for a while if he texts or say I’m busy and don’t want to go over if I’m not? That feels a bit like game playing to me and I’m not really into that. I like being honest with someone and making time for them if I can. I like spending time with him and want to be with him so if I can only see him one day a week then I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. Only seeing each other once a week is because of work schedules, we’re on opposite shifts as he works nights so would be sleeping/getting ready for work most of the other days.

Yes I have met some of his family, not met his friends yet but he’s said his friend has been asking to meet me so I’m waiting to see if he arranges that sometime.

I think you’re a booty call to be honest. I’m not for all the texting...having been with dh for over twenty years and long before either of us had mobile phones or social media, this seems an excessive amount of just-because contact to me. Otherwise though, yanbu to think it’s not right. He knows you’re keen and I think you’re convenient for him. Going over to his place once a week for sex (and let’s face it, that’s what dating him actually involves) is not a budding relationship, however much you would prefer it to be...which is why you’re accepting this.

Just don’t contact him. He’ll call if he’s interested and you can go from there

I thin that sadly you are a bit peripheral t this guy. You can't text him into intimacy. He responds to your texts as it's easy little effort . Does he spontaneously text you? It seems you are making all the running, you don't expect much so he isn't giving much.

You dont sound ready to let go so I'd try inviting him over to yours again or having a date night , go out to eat or cinema, theatre, comedy club etc and see what happens. You are asking fr advice on MN because you know he isn't comitted as much to the relationship as you want him to be. The past few months should have been your "honeymoon" period when everything was great and you both as eager as each other to be together.

It sounds like he's not really into you. (except for sex)
You deserve better.

Just out of curiosity
Do you have children Op?

Negatives are doesn’t text much day to day, I’d say we exchange around 10 messages a day

I've been seeing someone for a few months and we'll sometimes go days between texts. However, I am old. And also we're both the kind of people who only talk when we've got something to say.

It does sound like you are much keener than he is OP. He might develop feelings and I can imagine working night shifts makes things difficult. But if I were you I'd keep busy - not game playing, genuinely make sure you're busy doing things. If he really does like you he'll be in touch.

5 texts each a day isn't a lot, but texting is not the big deal here. Honestly, more than that might be too much for me but that's because I'm not a texter, I'd much rather talk to someone. Texts are very meh and not an actual conversation.

The issue is that you've only been out three times in three months and all your "relationship" consists of is sex once a week at his. He says he wants you to be his girlfriend then doesn't want to go out, doesn't want to come to yours, doesn't want to see you more than once a week and can't even be bothered to tell you he's landed safely and maybe "Thinking of you" when he goes away.

Maybe he does want you to be his girlfriend, but he is one hell of a lousy boyfriend. You would be far better off without him. The person you were crushing on was not who you are currently dating. When you were crushing you weren't seeing the ins and outs of who he is. Who he is is a user and not worth your time.

Wow 10 texts a day is a lot!. Have you told him things you would like to do rather than just hanging out at his place maybe say hey I thought we could do this this weekend? It sounds like you just have different expectations from the relationship doesn't make either of you bad people. Maybe have a chat with him about where he sees this relationship going and if you're not both on the same page then enjoy it for what it was &walkaway

It’s not a relationship to him, men like to chase not be chased.

As I was reading your OP it sounded very similar to a situation I was in a long time ago.

I'd fancied a guy for ages but was in a relationship. That broke up and he and I went out with a group of friends a few times. One thing led to another and we started sleeping together.

We both had our own places but 95% of the time I went to his. I was always the first to start text messages but he'd contact me if he wanted me to go over. We rarely went out (but that was mainly because we didn't want people to know we were "together" in that way). When we did go out it was to somewhere quite far away where we wouldn't be seen.

Difference was we knew what the arrangement was from the beginning. Neither of us were looking for a relationship, so it was a definite FWB scenario. Going to his was actually quite good for me as I liked my own space and I could go home when I wanted, rather than having to kick him out.

So many people have said it already on this thread, but it sounds like a FWB situation to me, but he's just not told you.

I'd be tempted to just let it fizzle out (my FWB did, though we did hook up a couple of times about a year later). You're obviously already starting to lose the rose tinted glasses your "relationship" started with.

See it as a scratch that needed itching! It's done, you've had your time with him, but now's time to let it drift away so you can find the person that you're supposed to be with. If that's him, you'll reconnect when it's right for both of you.