To think ‘Really?’ when a work colleague takes time off with her sick DDs.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

To be clear - I have no intention of mentioning/doing anything about this IRL, and I am very willing to accept I’m BU. I mainly just want to gauge if my scepticism is justified in any way.

A work colleague has two DDs, 15 and 17 - no special needs, no long-term health conditions, both in mainstream schooling, older one learning to drive. Whenever either of them is off school with a minor illness - heavy cold, stomach bug - she calls in to claim emergency carer’s leave and takes the day off with them, sometimes two days. This happens once every two or three months, with either girl, not just one in particular, so we have to pick up her work.

Now my DCs are only 7 and almost 5, but I was very much hoping that by the time they’re in high school, I’ll be able to confirm they can access the loo, food and fluids, then leave them at home by themselves and not pass my workload to my colleagues and make it into work. My mum did this with me from the age of 12 possibly even younger

AIBU to think 15 and 17 year olds are old enough to look after themselves when they’re a bit unwell, or is this one of those parental care things that has changed since I was a teenager? Or is it a ‘depends on the child’ thing?

A those ages, with no SN, they can shift for themselves ( and probably relish the alone time)

Surely if you have a child who cannot, regardless of age, live independently, they'll have carers and therefore be appropriately looked after when unwell anyway?

Hahahaha! OK, so mine actually do. That person is me, though.

Possibly taking the piss possible she’s got two teens with mental illness and doesn’t want to shout about it tbh just a thought but certainly the case personally

Haven't RTFT sorry - but the law doesn't allow unlimited days off, it's 'emergency leave' to sort childcare. That could be seen as an hour or two - if you can't arrange childcare you can't fulfil your work contract and you could be managed under the appropriate capability policy.

Obviously it depends on the employer as to how much time off they can cope with (not paid, obviously) but a small firm with problems covering the absence would not be unreasonable in issuing a warning if it keeps happening. Even if the children were 7 and 9, not all firms can afford days off for every illness. But given their ages, this just sounds like taking the piss!

Of course - there could be hidden issues as PPs have said - in which case we'd all have every sympathy for the woman - but even then the mother has to be able to fulfil her work contract. If her home commitments are so extensive that she can't do that, then she can't stay in the job. Sad - but realistic.

"A work colleague has two DDs, 15 and 17 - no special needs, no long-term health conditions"

Straight away I'm gonna say

THAT YOU KNOW OF!

And as she is only a colleague it's none of your business anyway!

When my siblings and I were that age if it were genuinely a minor illness/symptoms then we'd be left with sufficient hankies/lemsip/lozenges in front of telly with a blanket and mum would go to work.

BUT my sister is deaf in one ear (genetic) and the condition can make her prone to certain issues with colds/flu that mean she isn't safe to be left alone like it - even now in her 40's that's true. And for context I'm Nc with her we don't get along at all so I'm absolutely not overly sympathetic towards her.

My brother had a tendency to vicious migraines at this age with head colds. He's since "outgrown" then but at the time, again he really wasn't save left alone as it seriously affected his vision and balance.

I have lung issues, from childhood (asthma, allergies, had some infections that led to scarring. I now have reduced function with both lungs) and so again, depending how a cold/flu affected me sometimes I needed a close eye kept on me in order to get me medical assistance if needed. I'm also now late 40's and still need to mention to my GP if I notice it's particularly affecting my lungs and I'm prescribed prophylactic antibiotics. I also have endometriosis which in my teens was undiagnosed but my mum knew my periods "weren't right", the symptoms were very difficult to deal with and again, I wouldn't have been safe left alone as I was prone to fainting, migraine affecting vision and balance like my brother, even vomiting in my sleep on occasion. It wasn't very bad every month but certainly most months which must have been very worrying and difficult for her to handle employment wise. Sometimes it wouldn't be mum but I would go to another mum who wasn't working then to be "kept an eye on" either a friend of mum's or a friend of mines mum depending who was available.

My own dd has eds which wasn't DX until she reached high school age. Among the better known symptoms it makes her more vulnerable to certain symptoms and infections and so again depending on what exactly the symptoms etc were she wasn't always safe at this age, purely because of her age, to be left alone.

She may be taking piss, but it's also possible her children have health issues you aren't privy to that make it necessary for her to be home with them when ill.

"I would hope that management would be querying the level of time off, a couple of days every 2 to 3 months is quite a lot of absence." That's actually what makes me think it likely one or both of them has a chronic illness/disability that management are aware of but op isn't.

"I would recommend she takes them both to the doctors for checkups if they are ill enough to take a couple of days off school every couple of months!"

It would be a mistake to assume she isn't! My sisters hearing issue wasn't DX until she was 5 even though it was clear to anyone who spent time with her, my endometriosis wasn't DX for 14 years despite regularly seeing GP's with textbook symptoms being reported and even then my DX happened as a result of mc and was by a hospital dr, when I finally saw a gynaecologist after leaving hospital and told them my history they were both horrified but unsurprised - it's a major issue with gynae conditions, my dds eds wasn't DX as I say until she reached high school - again despite multiple visits not only to gp's but also a&e for the many dislocations/twists/sprains and what we now know were other classic symptoms of eds, even at birth she was born with 3 key indicators of the condition yet nobody said or did anything! Again when we finally saw a specialist they said it was a ridiculously common history they came across.

My brothers migraines, no idea why they came on, no idea why they stopped.

I do think some mners have a very skewed/overly optimistic idea of how proactive and responsive GP's are with chronic illness/disability.

It's also possible her daughters are dealing with mh conditions or bullying or other difficulties which again, management are aware of and supportive while she deals with them, but which she understandably doesn't want broadcast to all and sundry.

Lots of posters confidently - and ignorantly - asserting that 'kids that age don't get sick that often' certain conditions can seriously affect immune systems, not all kids have robust immunity. Would love to know where those posters got their medical qualifications?

"15 and 17? Unless they have norovirus, our cold with a raging temp or a hospital stay that is so stupid." Or any one of THOUSANDS of chronic illnesses/disabilities that can make sufferers prone to certain symptoms that mean they AREN'T safe to be left alone!

"we’re NHS in an AHP role where we really don’t stigmatise MH problems" still doesn't mean she has to or would want to mention such if the daughter wasn't comfortable with that.

As an Nhs worker who's struggled to get a DX yourself I'd expect you to be more aware of potential explanations that you're not being made aware of, not less. I'd also expect you to be more supportive and understanding.

"have a family member that does this , she took the day off work because her 15 year old had period pains 🙄"And?? You could easily have been describing my mum, who would have been dealing with a 15 year old me experiencing extreme pain, heavy flooding bleeding, migraine, fainting, nausea possibly even vomiting if the pain was really bad - because SOME girls periods (a significant number in fact) ARE extremely painful and difficult to manage due to - quite possibly undx because it's a Fucking nightmare getting these taken seriously! - gynae condition like endo, pcos, fibroids etc so lose the eyeroll and find some understanding and empathy instead! Some girls when they first start having periods they're extremely painful until they "settle in" and the cause is never known.

The lack of empathy and compassion from certain types of posters never fails to surprise me.

If op is struggling due to her own health/personal issues the fault lies not with her colleague but in this case with the govt who are never the best at recognising the effects of their cuts and encouragement of presenteeist work cultures on actual human beings. Mainly because as far as they're concerned we're just drones here to serve our overlords!

I'm 23 and my mum had to call into work to take me to the doctors in March. She was abit annoyed as she coulsnt get anyone to swap her shift so they were short staffed.

I ended up being sent to a&e, put on a drip attached to the information board in the waiting room as there were no bed for me. They wanted to admit me but with no beds and me being terrified of being left there alone I wanted to try going home with medicine and would go back in 24hr if no improvement.

Mum took me home, dropped me off at my house and went back to work for the last couple of hours 🤣

I was secretly hoping she woulsnr fo back and would stay with me and make sure I didnt die alone in my house. Didnt happen.

It depends. My friends son was recently admitted to ICU with meningitis. He's 21. I'd expect her to take time off for that. I presume they are not hospital ill. Just a bit under the weather. Then YANBU.

May well be stuff you don't know about so maybe keep your nose out and concentrate on yourself instead.

I raised 3 children all by myself and worked full time. I would never have done this. I was always on time, and I organised things to my children were safe, independent and knew they could call me at any time.
I think she’s taking the piss to be fair. In the rare occasion where I did have to take a day off, I put it down as annual leave.

As an Nhs worker who's struggled to get a DX yourself I'd expect you to be more aware of potential explanations that you're not being made aware of, not less. I'd also expect you to be more supportive and understanding.

I never struggled to get a diagnosis. I struggled to stay alive for a bit but the diagnosis was pretty cut and dried. I’m also fully aware of potential explanations, hence this thread to explore what other potential explanations there might be. And what makes you think I’ve been anything less than completely supportive and understanding? How many times do I have to say I’d never say a thing about my suspicions in real life? I’ve covered for her umpteen times without a word of complaint and always asked with concern and support after her DDs upon her return.

SummerSix Do you want to re-read the multiple times where I’ve pointed out that I have never ‘stuck my nose in’ IRL and never would? I truly don’t think posting anonymously on an Internet forum is sticking my nose in anywhere.

I worked with a girl who did this when her DH was ill 😂 CF indeed

Was expecting to say YABU then I saw that her children are young adults. She is taking the piss.

OP although you have posted anonymously your posts contain a significant amount of personal information about your colleague for her to be identified. Furthermore, if she reads this thread she may recognise herself given all the information about her you have shared.

A quick précis for anyone who can’t be bothered to read the thread:

OP - I’m just wondering if I am being unreasonable
Mnetters - well my child has this very specific reason why I need to stay home with them
OP - she doesn’t have any of those reasons
mnetters - well my child/I had this very specific reason why I need to stay home with them
OP - I’m pretty sure they don’t have
Mnetters - stop being a judgy cow
OP - I’m anonymously talking to people online, not saying anything in RL
Mnetters - well my child had this very specific reason....

Ad infinitum

FWIW Op, I would quietly be a bit pissed off. We had a colleague who used to often be sick on a Monday after a long weekend. We all liked our colleague but it really got on people’s nerves. Despite all the cries of hidden illnesses etc there are people out there who just take the piss a bit and it sounds like your colleague might be one of them.

At 23 you should be able to get yourself to the doctors. I've been going to the doctors on my own since I was 14.

If it was something simple like a stomach bug or mild D and V then yes. YANBU. They could probably manage on their own.
If it’s something like needing a lift to the doctor, a half day or a couple of hours off would do it, pick up at chemist, drop off home then back to work.

OP just to give you a different view.

I am off today (leave) with my 14 year old, which is his fifth day off this year. He is healthy other than horrific allergies and hay fever which means he randomly has a full body reaction to anything random. He is on his third course of oral steroids since Easter. So whilst he may seem well when he reacts like this one of us has to be with him as there is a risk he could develop serious complications.

Thankfully he never has but we have to be with him in case. We both work over an hour's commute away by public transport.

So, I am sure my colleagues are a bit at me taking time off for his hay fever but it's far more than that.

Plus, thankfully can normally work from home.

She's complexity taking the piss unless they are very ill. At 15 and 17 more than capable of looking after themselves . She need to realise that they are growing up and let them fend for themsleves .
Our friend have an 18 year old still treat her like she's 12 don't think you do them any favours . Her mum is terrified of the idea her child doesn't need her . Her daughter is complelty useless can't do anything for herself .

OP although you have posted anonymously your posts contain a significant amount of personal information about your colleague for her to be identified. Furthermore, if she reads this thread she may recognise herself given all the information about her you have shared.

Vanishingly rare chance of that bevelino. The internet is a mind bogglingly huge place, containing lots of people with very similar life details, and I know for absolute fact she’s not on MN.

I will now wait for the pile of posters telling me how they were outed IRL thanks to MN, but I am quite confident that my private thoughts, posted here, will not make it to my workplace.

Thanks ThatUsedToBeMyName

Don’t you just love AIBU?

My friends son was recently admitted to ICU with meningitis. He's 21

Jeez, that’s an entirely different kettle of fish to a 17 year old with a cold!

Yanbu, that's ridiculous, but then some people are. My MIL left me without childcare one morning for my two year old because her perfectly capable 19 year old had woken up with earache. I was speechless.

My employer (local authority) allows 3 carers leave days a year for emergency cover for dependents including children 16 years and under. If they're throwing up or migraine I stay at home or am lucky enough to be able to have occasional work from home days