To think ‘Really?’ when a work colleague takes time off with her sick DDs.

[ElphabaTheGreen]

To be clear - I have no intention of mentioning/doing anything about this IRL, and I am very willing to accept I’m BU. I mainly just want to gauge if my scepticism is justified in any way.

A work colleague has two DDs, 15 and 17 - no special needs, no long-term health conditions, both in mainstream schooling, older one learning to drive. Whenever either of them is off school with a minor illness - heavy cold, stomach bug - she calls in to claim emergency carer’s leave and takes the day off with them, sometimes two days. This happens once every two or three months, with either girl, not just one in particular, so we have to pick up her work.

Now my DCs are only 7 and almost 5, but I was very much hoping that by the time they’re in high school, I’ll be able to confirm they can access the loo, food and fluids, then leave them at home by themselves and not pass my workload to my colleagues and make it into work. My mum did this with me from the age of 12 possibly even younger

AIBU to think 15 and 17 year olds are old enough to look after themselves when they’re a bit unwell, or is this one of those parental care things that has changed since I was a teenager? Or is it a ‘depends on the child’ thing?

My mum takes the day off work to ‘look after me’ whenever she fancies it, despite the fact I’m not ill, am in my late 20s, and we haven’t lived together for years.

The whole situation is a megaphone message about people being stretched to the limit in the workplace.

OP I can see it is e aspirating to you when you are trying to do your best / hold down your job/ manage when your shift is a person down havjng had such a shit year yourself (and I am sorry about that ).

Could it be possible that given her shit times, she is suffering and taking some of these as duvet days / days to sort out her obligations / can’t face coming in?

Exasperating not aspirating

RedBarrows My feeling about it is that one DD or the other is actually sick - not terribly sick, but under the weather enough to not go to school. I think because she always has taken time off for her sick children, she has just stayed in the habit, doesn’t think too deeply about the repercussions on us, and thinks we’ll just hear ‘sick child’ and be perfectly OK with that, without really thinking, ‘Hang on...DD1 is nearly voting age...perhaps I’m taking the piss slightly...’. The added reward is that she gets to spend a restful day of 1:1 with one or the other DD, being Caring Mum and have a day off work. As I said upthread, she is a single mum, so there is no husband/partner to step in. She is very open about all of her problems and I’ve known her quite well for years, so I genuinely don’t think there’s anything more going on health-wise with her DDs.

She has been through epic amounts of shit for which she has had lots of entirely justified time off work - both for the cancer treatment, obviously, but also several months for the horror-show break up as it severely affected her mental health. She still takes quite a lot of sick days off as she does have post-chemo fatigue which gets to her. I don’t begrudge her any of that for one second. I do think taking the time off with her (not very) sick DDs, if my above supposition is correct, is pushing the boundaries a little, as it impacts on our workload. I have also been through epic amounts of shit, so the extra workload isn’t really helpful for me when she takes these ‘bonus’ days off, but because I’ve also had a lot of time off myself, I go somewhat out of my way to make sure I don’t take any extra time off that isn’t entirely justified.

But, I reiterate, I have NO intention of saying anything IRL as my analysis of the situation may be completely wrong. This is mainly me having an anonymous vent, before anyone starts with the ‘nasty’ comments again.

What's emergency carers leave? Is it paid?

My 13yo was left all day today - virally thing and will be left tomorrow too. I did leave him a sandwich in the fridge though (which he didn't touch).

Teaches It’s leave granted in an emergency if a dependant (child or adult) needs you to look after them unexpectedly at short notice. As I’ve said in other posts it’s paid.

She is a CF and possibly works in my office

You are reasonable to approach your manager if this situation is impacting your ability to do your job (such as much increased workload.) You can ask what support could be put in place for you.

Otherwise it is none of your business. She may be a CF - management problem. There may be underlying disability or the children may have health condition that your colleague wants to keep private so she comes up with explanations.

It seems most unfair for childless employees as they don't get paid days off.

Oh aye, it's grand to be the parent of a puking toddler, missing out on vital meetings that have taken weeks of preparation, letting my boss down, having to make up the time when DC are in bed because it's not the kind of role where someone else can cover a few days of work. It's a fucking cakewalk.

Oh, and it's annual leave that employees with DC are using, not some rare-as-hens-teeth paid 'parenting' leave.

Parental leave is statutory but unpaid.

I think there is one in every job.
In general it is mainly women who take the slack with sick DC, though I think teen's should be able to cope.

I think we get up to 8 days per year in our trust, always paid.

I bet if you kept a tally of the days she wouldn’t be off more than the 8 days.

@serenadoundy who’s “judging”? It’s a bit of idle chat on an Internet forum! I’m sure no one really gives a fuck!

@MrsMiggins37

Any particular reason you have come back and had another go at me NINE hours after I responded to your posts up thread?

Go away, I made my point literally hours ago. I have no interest in discussing it again with you.

@TailsoftheManyPaws
I’ve had that regards DD13, school wanting to send home for minor ailment(headache etc) and expecting her to be collected; to which I reply she’ll survive another two hours and I can’t just stop working; think they assume as I’m self employed I can just run to the school.

I can relate to your colleague OP. My oldest is of a similar age although he is capable of looking after himself, I do want to be at home with him if he is unwell and he wants me home. He will be gone at uni in a few years' time and this is the time when I can still be with my child - after leaving him unwell with nannies, etc. many times when he was young because I needed to be at work. He is more important than my unhappy colleague and as long as I am allowed by law, I am damn sure going to use it.

Jeez if you think that’s having a go I think you need to work on your resilience!

As for the time difference, I was working and doing stuff round the house and just come back to the thread. That OK with you? I didn’t realise there were time limits for responses?

As for your “go away” comment, you could have just ignored, if you didn’t want to discuss further.

. He is more important than my unhappy colleague and as long as I am allowed by law, I am damn sure going to use it.

Actually you’re not entitled “by law” to take time off to look after a sick child. You’re entitled to time off for dependants in an emergency situation, not to provide the care yourself, but to put care arrangements in place.

Most people’s kids are more important to them than work, but mine know that while they come first work is also important as we need the money to fund our lifestyle. I also like to role model a good work ethic to them and not someone that will be off work at the drop of a hat, in the hope they’ll take this work ethic when they need to work and provide for their own families.

MrsMiggins I am aware of my rights by law as, I am sure, the OP's employers. And if she can take this time then she is being allowed.

Work ethic gets taught by itself when the mother works pretty much non-stop only taking a break during maternity leave. So yes, when the child is unwell and wants me home, I will not be thinking about teaching work ethics, I will be thinking about his needs.

I can remember being left on the sofa with a blanket and mam coming home in her dinner hour to make me something to eat.

This is from aged 11 and above.

She's absolutely taking the pee with children that age but if work policy permits then can't begrudge her abusing it, however unfair.

Otherwise fit, well, healthy NT 17 year olds don’t “need their mums” when they’ve got a cold. Jesus! Why are kids so mollycoddled these days?

Fuck's sake, if you feel the need to be at home with a (not very seriously) sick 17 year old either your 17 year old needs to grow up sharpish or the parent needs to loosen the apron strings.

Weird behaviour.

if work policy permits then can't begrudge her abusing it, however unfair

They should still be able to speak to her about it though. My last work had paid dependants leave and we had a serial pisstaker, manager took her to task about it. The policy is there to be used as necessary, not abused. It’s these pisstakers that lead to employers revising their policies and genuine employees losing out.

You may not know everything.
One of my DC has been suicidal and I didn't want to leave her. I told my direct boss, but no others.
My youngest is 12, but if he gets tonsillitis, may go into a deep sleep which he doesn't roses easily from. It can last up to about 24 hours, but even if he wakes up he can't stand and may not even be able to crawl. After that time he wakes up and is right as rain. He's done this for years, and the doctor says he should not be left alone.

However I've had about 1 day off a year for child illness, although sometimes it means catching up using flexitime later.