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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

we have a four month old and my partner has arranged a five day trip without telling me.

83 replies

Jessclarkky · 10/07/2019 23:39

So, my partner has arranged a five day camping trip ‘with the boys’ without telling me. I had to find out from another guys girlfriend. We have a four month old baby and I’m struggling with tiredness and absolute boredom. He’s been really sneaky about phone calls and has bought this camping gear after arranging this trip but tells me it’s for camping by a river for one night in the distant future. He works all day (which i am so grateful for) but he’s revising in the evenings, so I only really see him at dinner, when we’re sleeping and on the weekends. And the camping trip is over the weekend. I wouldn’t be so pissed off if he hadn’t stopped me seeing my family one
Sunday because it’s ‘taking away our us time’( I also invited him to come with me so we could be together). I despise the guy he’s going with because he too has a baby but is cheating on the mother and is an all round so and so. I don’t know if I’m being a wicked witch because I’m tired and bored and feel really distant from him since baby or if I should be mad. Please someone tell me if I’m being evil because I’m very much in my head at the moment. Thank you :)

OP posts:
negomi90 · 10/07/2019 23:41

Your boyfriend is a knob.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/07/2019 23:41

How would your partner react if you organised a 5day trip away, without your baby, and didn't tell him?

Littlejets · 10/07/2019 23:42

Very selfish man!!

Original poster
Jessclarkky · 10/07/2019 23:43

He did say to the boys that he needs to consult me and other rubbish but he’s already bought the stuff for it? So I’m going to look awful if I turn round and say no Hmm

OP posts:
merlotqueen · 10/07/2019 23:50

I would say do the same, but us mothers never want to because we are bonded to a small person.

My DP joined a band which went away a weekend every month and never discussed it with me. DD1 was 2 months old. I had no mother or sister closeby. He never admitted it was wrong. I want to leave him

arethereanyleftatall · 10/07/2019 23:50

Are you breastfeeding? If not, and you're happy to leave your baby with their dad, then use it to your advantage. When he does tell you, say, 'not a problem, have fun. I've also organised a 5 day trip away with Cathy and sue. Sorry, forgot to mention it. I've already bought the plane tickets. We're going in August.'

merlotqueen · 10/07/2019 23:52

Oh, and tell the girlfriend about the cheating. She needs to know her life is a lie.

blueberrymuffin88 · 10/07/2019 23:56

Do not let him get away with this! Can't believe some men think it's ok to behave like this - it really does blow my mind! He's a selfish prick and if you aren't breastfeeding then I'd suggest pulling the same stunt on him like the PP said

shiningstar2 · 11/07/2019 00:12

I am always amazed when I read on here of husbands and partners with very small children who feel entitled to several days away for hobbies or stags without due regard for how this will impact on the mother of their child/children. It's often suggested that the mother can respond by doing this same but this is rarely practicable. Its seems that women far more often than men fit around their partner so it is very difficult to find other women free and willing to take a similar few days away just at the time when you are free.

However I do think that an ounce of experience is often more effective than pounds of discussion/explaining how difficult it is when they are away. If you can't or don't want to do the same op I would take 5 non negotional saturdays out on your own leaving the baby with him. If you can find someone to go out with great. If you can't ...go on your own. Gym then lunch with friend, shopping ext ext. If you can't find someone to go with go out yourself. Have a stroll around town, then lunch then maybe the cinema. Even sitting in a cafe/library with a book is a break for you and shows your partner how hard and lonely childcare alone can be. I know you would rather he could just see and understand why 5 days away is hard for you but sometimes having to do the same childcare themselves is the only way to get some men to understand. If you could find someone to go away with overnight this would really give you a break and help his understanding Grin

Original poster
Jessclarkky · 11/07/2019 00:17

Thank you all for making me feel sane!!Grin @merlotqueen I’m sorry you feel this way and have had to put up with that behaviour too! It is definitely selfish! I’m not breastfeeding so that’d be such a great idea however I have no friends around anymore as they don’t get the baby thing (pathetic and definitely not friends of mine anymore). We need to talk about it but I have a feeling it’ll be a horrendous argument and he’ll end up enjoying the camping trip even more to get away from me. I am also so mad because I keep asking to go out with just him for dinner or something but he declines me every time. I feel like there is nothing from him anymore however I am quite a needy person. But thank you all for making me feel better about the situation! Just writing a post has made me feel like I might get some sleep tonight.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 11/07/2019 00:37

Tell his mom 🤭

Rachelover40 · 11/07/2019 00:41

I think your partner is very selfish to book a five day holiday when you have a young baby; you need his support. Also he didn't tell you about it, you found out from a third party. It's outrageous! What's the matter with the man?

Does he have parents, if so I think they'd be pretty pissed off with him too and tell him so.

Rachelover40 · 11/07/2019 00:42

PS: What shiningstar says above is marvellous! Do it.

6triesbuttingout · 11/07/2019 01:00

Wave him off and change the locks.

LightDrizzle · 11/07/2019 01:07

He did say to the boys that he needs to consult me and other rubbish...
You are right of course, that he’s banking on you feeling awful about saying no to a fait accompli, so call his bluff.
Who cares what his cunt friend thinks or says? Let it be his problem, he created it. Say no, and can he please consult with before taking things so far next time. You will of course do the same.
He’s a cf and a hypocrite. Don’t be a martyr. Your relationship will be better in the long run if you are calm, reasonable but direct.

EKGEMS · 11/07/2019 01:14

This isn't about camping. This is how he doesn't prioritize you and your baby. Selfishness, deceitful and now you're afraid of expressing how you feel ,afraid of his reaction. More red flags than Tiananmen Square

ReanimatedSGB · 11/07/2019 01:23

I think you need to start exploring your options and making plans now to bring up your baby without this man around. Because he's either going to fuck off with some as-yet-childfree woman or spend the next 15 years expecting you to cook and clean for him while he does exactly as he likes - which may include playing with the DC from time to time or using DC as a prop when he wants some cookies for being a Great Dad, but he's clearly never going to do his fair share.
Plan according to whether you work, or are training for a job; whether your home is rented or bought and whose name it's in, whether you have family you could move in with; check what state benefits you would get as a single parent and all the rest of it. Once you have all this information in place, you can choose whether to leave or throw him out, and you can pick the best time for you to do it.

But it's really unlikely that a man who has already decided you are his servant and that bringing home a percentage of his wages is the only contribution he needs to make, is ever going to regard himself as a parent and you as his equal.

Motoko · 11/07/2019 02:01

Oh OP, you've got yourself a selfish dick for a partner. It won't get any better I'm afraid, so start sorting things out, as Reanimated has suggested.

Sweetpearose · 11/07/2019 02:06

He's a knob!

1sttimemummyxx · 11/07/2019 02:36

You should say no and not feel guilty about it. It isn't fair for you to spend all the time on your own, and for him to stop you doing things if he is going to continue to do what he likes.

Don't worry what his friends thinks - he doesn't sound like a nice person anyway! And remind him that he bought the camping gear for a future trip anyway not this one - so he can't blame you for ruining anything.

Good luck xx

TwistyTop · 11/07/2019 02:45

I can't believe that you're worrying about coming across as a nag in this scenario. This is horribly depressing. I would be bloody fuming and I wouldn't give a shit if it made me out to be "the witch".

You and your DH have had a baby together. (I'm assuming you didn't shag yourself and get pregnant?) The baby is as much his responsibility as it is yours.

What the fuck did he think was going to happen to this tiny baby for 5 whole days? Oh, I'm sorry, of course - you will just look after the baby alone because you obviously wouldn't have had any plans yourself and don't need any support in doing so.

Also, he's lied to you and been deceitful to cover up him planning this trip. He sounds absolutely vile and I would ask him why he has done this. Don't let him get away without a proper explanation for this behaviour. Hopefully him having to face it and explain it to you will make him see how selfish and horrible he has been.

I would honestly be saying to him that if something like this .happens again he can go and live somewhere else. Being a single mum is really hard, but it's actually easier than being with a selfish twat of a man who doesn't help with anything and lies to you about stuff.

Whatisthewhat · 11/07/2019 03:05

I'd be calling him out on his behaviour. Surely he knows this isn't ok?

I found the first few months very draining, boring and quite often lonely. It gets better as your LO gets older. Much more fun when they get their own little personality!
I think you should be spending as much time with your family as you need, regardless of it "eating into your family time" (although this seems to be selective on his part).

Do you go to any groups at all? Some of them are quite irritating but worth trying out a couple if you haven't. I've met some good friends that way over the years.

I'd tell him exactly what I think of his selfishness though.

Winterlife · 11/07/2019 03:06

If he’s bought equipment he has the intention of going. So, visit your parents. If you like his parents, visit them.

Are there any mother’s groups where you live? That’s a way to meet other stay at home mums, which will help with your boredom.

Also use that time to think about what you want in life.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/07/2019 03:41

He’s controlling. - and you are letting him

Not seeing your family as he wants to spend time with you

Tell him no he can’t go camping

Tell Winn her man is cheating on her

And start to go to groups to meet friends with children

mathanxiety · 11/07/2019 04:34

When you object to the camping trip, tell him it's because 'it will take away our us time'.

If he still insists on going, tell him you know how he feels and he knows how you feel and it's up to him to make the choice he thinks is best. Then walk away.

When he returns, he does all his laundry himself.

Don't worry about being called a nag. That is code for 'woman who reminds me of responsibilities I don't feel like remembering'. Better a 'nag' than a doormat.

Tell the GF who is being cheated on.