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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

we have a four month old and my partner has arranged a five day trip without telling me.

83 replies

Jessclarkky · 10/07/2019 23:39

So, my partner has arranged a five day camping trip ‘with the boys’ without telling me. I had to find out from another guys girlfriend. We have a four month old baby and I’m struggling with tiredness and absolute boredom. He’s been really sneaky about phone calls and has bought this camping gear after arranging this trip but tells me it’s for camping by a river for one night in the distant future. He works all day (which i am so grateful for) but he’s revising in the evenings, so I only really see him at dinner, when we’re sleeping and on the weekends. And the camping trip is over the weekend. I wouldn’t be so pissed off if he hadn’t stopped me seeing my family one
Sunday because it’s ‘taking away our us time’( I also invited him to come with me so we could be together). I despise the guy he’s going with because he too has a baby but is cheating on the mother and is an all round so and so. I don’t know if I’m being a wicked witch because I’m tired and bored and feel really distant from him since baby or if I should be mad. Please someone tell me if I’m being evil because I’m very much in my head at the moment. Thank you :)

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 11/07/2019 06:13

He stopped you seeing your family? What else does he "stop" you doing?
Another vote for knob, btw.

FancyACarrot · 11/07/2019 06:20

When he returns, he does all his laundry himself

^wow that'll show him Hmm

Another vote for knob head here OP (and bastard selfish wanker]

Flowers

I would tell the other g/f (that'll soon put the brakes on the trip) but I would tell her anyway.

I wonder if he knows you know, that he was counting on her telling you as he was wimping out?

No way I'd put up with this. Did he plan/want the baby? it not sounding like he's on board at all.

mathanxiety · 11/07/2019 06:24

He sounds like the type who would take the piss with the laundry...

SummerInTheVillage · 11/07/2019 06:29

He's a prick, OP. Tell him no. If he still goes throw him out. You're practically a single parent already.

Juells · 11/07/2019 06:36

I don't know why people suggest going away and leaving the baby with him. He's not interested in it. Why would you leave the most precious thing you've ever had with someone who's not interested and has never looked after it? My blood runs cold at the very thought. She wouldn't get a seconds peace while away, with (justified) anxiety.

Honestly, I'd LTB. It's easiest to do when filled with righteous dislike. I struggled on through the dislike and anger, thinking I owed it to my child, then got enmeshed, and it was much harder to leave later on. He's being a prick, and that never improves.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2019 06:38

The poor woman has had the decency to tell you they’re going away. I think now is the time to tell her about the infidelity. You never know. You may have just found a mum friend.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2019 06:40

Oh and tell him it’s too long. 3 days is enough. Selfish arse. Manchild for not discussing this with you. He will hit the roof. That’s the cue he’s unreasonable.

cptartapp · 11/07/2019 06:57

You're struggling with boredom and he's off on a five day jolly? Not a good pick as a father. Was the baby planned?
I was bored too by four months, put baby in nursery pt (split the cost) get back to work and book yourself a break away with friends.
It doesn't sound like this relationship will last tbh. He needs to start getting used to sole care of a baby 24/7.

Rumplesmoothskin · 11/07/2019 07:04

Don't bother raking 5 Saturday's in a row away though. It being Saturday, he'll likely just run to his parents and they'll do everything for him. Then he'll think childcare is easy.
Tell him you're booking a holiday, wait for him to book annual leave, then casually reveal it's just for you and he has to use his annual leave to care for the baby.

userabcname · 11/07/2019 07:20

You need to both sit down and discuss how parenting is going to work. I was very clear with DH before DS was born: I am not the default parent. It is not ok to swan off for an evening / weekend / holiday (!) without planning with me beforehand. We set up a joint calendar app on our phones and also let each other know in advance if one of us isn't going to be around. On the face of it, a mini break with some friends isn't unreasonable for him but the way he's gone about it is really unacceptable. I'd also tell him you will be either booking 5 days with your friends somewhere or having 5 days separately to do your own baby-free thing. I know the whole tit-for-tat thing seems petty but sometimes I think it's worth it to make a point!

babbi · 11/07/2019 07:24

If you go along with this you are settling for him not stepping up to the plate re his parenting responsibilities and it will set the tone for the future workload on this .
Do not go agree and make it known you don’t accept this ( bitter experience)

Congratulations on your baby

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2019 07:42

Exactly what @Juells said.

What makes people think there's money for the OP to go away? And why would she leave the baby with someone who clearly has little to do with it? Tit for tat is not the answer in these situations!

OP, is your home rented or owned? Whose names are in the paperwork? I think you need to make plans.

Quartz2208 · 11/07/2019 07:47

Yes I think you need to make plans as well
How do you know the guy is cheating

Fairenuff · 11/07/2019 07:53

He did say to the boys that he needs to consult me and other rubbish but he’s already bought the stuff for it? So I’m going to look awful if I turn round and say no

So? Who says you have to be 'nice'. Don't be a martyr, tell him no way.

rookiemere · 11/07/2019 07:58

It's camping why is it 5 nights ? One or two I can understand but a 5 night long lads camping trip doesn't even make sense.

Summertimeatthebeach · 11/07/2019 08:00

Tell him the baby has a sleeping bag and you can't wait for the rest home alone...

Greywalls12 · 11/07/2019 08:01

We have a three month old and if DH did this to me, i would absolutely be telling him that it's not on and he shouldn't go. If he did go, me and DS wouldn't be here when he got back.

TheRedBarrows · 11/07/2019 08:03

So his friend is cheating on his Dp, and your Dp is lying to you (future river trip bollocks).

The cutting you off from your family is a red flag.

You need friends and allies. Start an activity for yourself at least once a week and leave him with the baby. Go to baby groups and make Mum friends. Go and visit your family.

Tell your Dp that as a family you expect to discuss anything that affects how the family runs, including 5 day jollies. That he had betrayed your trust by lying and humiliated you by letting you find out via a third party.

You don’t need to tow, just tell him calmly.

In the end he needs to shape up and act like part of a team or fuck off.

timeisnotaline · 11/07/2019 08:03

When he’s home tonight, if you know the dates say your mum wants to book a show for one of the middle nights, it will only be a few hours and he’s such a great dad, it will be a good opportunity for him to spend some time with baby.
He will have to tell you no but won’t be able to say why....
and then say no to 5 days away! And tell the girlfriend.

Shoxfordian · 11/07/2019 08:05

He sounds really selfish
Are you sure this is the right man for you?

Skittlesss · 11/07/2019 08:08

You ask him to go out for dinner and he declines you every time.

He’s arranged a camping trip but not even told you.

He rarely spends time with you and baby.

Get your finances etc sorted and I would use the time he is away to pack his crap up and send it to his mothers house.

greenlynx · 11/07/2019 08:22

Tell “no” to his trip and don’t bother how it looks. Explain him seriously that his behavior is not on and that he’s equally responsible for his child, he can’t just go away for 5 days now. I wouldn’t mention the other guy who is cheating, tell him this bit about “taking away our us time”
And I would tell the g/f about cheating.

Nanny0gg · 11/07/2019 08:27

What's the point in the OP saying 'No'?

Who honestly thinks he'll take a blind bit of notice?

Weezol · 11/07/2019 08:28

Please don't be 'grateful' that he has a job.

Who has told you you're 'needy'? I'm guessing he did.

Echoing others - this is not a good man.

Pinktinker · 11/07/2019 08:33

You shouldn’t feel grateful because he has a job, he isn’t doing anything remarkable.

I would personally tell him he can’t go because it’s ‘taking away from our time’ and see what he comes back with. He sounds like a selfish twat tbh, it’s more the fact he’s arranged it all behind your back and you had to find out from someone else.