we have a four month old and my partner has arranged a five day trip without telling me.

[Jessclarkky]

So, my partner has arranged a five day camping trip ‘with the boys’ without telling me. I had to find out from another guys girlfriend. We have a four month old baby and I’m struggling with tiredness and absolute boredom. He’s been really sneaky about phone calls and has bought this camping gear after arranging this trip but tells me it’s for camping by a river for one night in the distant future. He works all day (which i am so grateful for) but he’s revising in the evenings, so I only really see him at dinner, when we’re sleeping and on the weekends. And the camping trip is over the weekend. I wouldn’t be so pissed off if he hadn’t stopped me seeing my family one
Sunday because it’s ‘taking away our us time’( I also invited him to come with me so we could be together). I despise the guy he’s going with because he too has a baby but is cheating on the mother and is an all round so and so. I don’t know if I’m being a wicked witch because I’m tired and bored and feel really distant from him since baby or if I should be mad. Please someone tell me if I’m being evil because I’m very much in my head at the moment. Thank you :)

Can you and the other girlfriend just move in for mutual support and get these men off to fuck? (Mostly joking of course). But definitely get yourselves a nice talk, lunch etc and set the world to rights about where you want your life to go without these are holes in it!

Hi OP

He is being a shit. He knows he is being a shit otherwise he would have been open about it. He will no doubt tell you you are over reacting and he knew you would ne like this and that's why he kept quiet.

But he already gives you such little support. He doesnt make any time for you. You've said he declines all offers of going out for a meal etc. So to take the little remaining support away for 5 whole days is horrible

It's very tough having a baby that age - the euphoria of having a newborn has worn off and the cumulative effect of the bad sleep really kicks in. Needing support at a tough time isn't needy it's normal.

As PP have said, would he really be ok with you going on a city break with someone or going to stay with family and leaving him with the baby for 5 days? I would guess not since he didn't even want you to visit family for one day

You are grateful for him for working but he doesnt seem to be grateful for you looking after his child 24 7 and enabling him to study. Making arrangements without the other person when it affects them too is just rude. And if he can take at least 3 days off work and study why the fuck doesnt he want to either give you a break since it sounds like you havent had one ince the baby, or to spend some time with his child since he barely sees them day to day

If he refuses to see your pov on this then he doesnt value you or what you do or want to spend time with your child and I'd consider using those 5 days to plan your life without him and clear out his things

Your BF sounds mean and I would be having a serious thing about your future with him.

However regarding the weekend camping, when he tells you I would say calmly how disappointing it is especially after he asked you to forgo a visit to your parents. But I wouldn't get mad or ask him not to go. I would just make plans for a fantastic weekend, invite a friend or two round for the evening and spend a whole day with your parents or stay with your parents for the weekend. Basically just enjoy it without him there.

however I am quite a needy person

Is this something you really believe because I wouldn't have said I was needy but my DH would not in hell be going away for five days and we have a 5 month old. That is not needy, that is reality of life with a child.

I'd sell the stuff on ebay or facebook

Is it a five day camping trip or had cheating bloke just told his gf that? He may be trying to stretch the time for personal reasons.

of course youre "needy" when someone you love gives you absolutely nothing. Everyone has needs, and he doesnt give a fuck about yours.
Having a baby can bring out someones true colours pretty quick.

@Jessclarkky A word of warning.

A partner stopping a woman from seeing her family, is one of the signs of abuse. Abuse often starts, or ramps up, when the woman has a baby.

Whose idea was it that you become a SAHM? What money do you have for yourself? Do you have to ask for money, do you have to justify what you need it for?

I'm worried that you're being abused so please come back and talk to us. We will give you support.

He’s a knob OP, tell him how you feel and if he goes after that then you know how he really feels

Why don’t you hide his camping gear.
Then, when he notices it’s missing, say you loaned it to db (or someone else) as they were going camping on the weekend he’s booked.
Just say to him that you knew he wouldn’t mind, as he doesn’t need it until that one night in distant future he told you about!

I have only read the first page, but I would say tell him no. Don't feel bad about it, it would seem very normal to the outside world (well it would to me).
Be proud to be the hard-nosed, sensible, partner, he is manipulating the situation so that you don't want to look or feel mean, but sod that. Say no.

I would guess that if this goes ahead, it will sit in your memory for a long time, simmering and growing to festering resentment. It will also happen again in a different form.

Just say to him that you knew he wouldn’t mind, as he doesn’t need it until that one night in distant future he told you about!

Unfortunately point scoring gets you nowhere in a situation like this. It just confirms for both of you that you don't like each other any more :(

TBH I'd be wondering if both guys were going off for a lads' weekend, with the 'camping' as a cover. Been there, swallowed the cover stories.

He sounds quite young and immature TBH.As someone else said use this time to stay with your family if you can .Do not try and stop him from going(he will just resent it!).But equally he cant stop you from seeing your parents!.Are you returning to work at all ?.Just try and get out to meet other Mums and get some new chums!.

Either say no or make your own plans for that weekend - visit family, have friends to stay. Sadly you are going to need to build on your strength and independence.
This doesn't mean you are needy. You just have needs that aren't being met, and if your BF can't or won't meet them you need to look elsewhere - at least in the sense of finding a supportive circle of friends.

I couldn’t stay with a man child immature to book the trip, lie to his partner and think it’ll all be ok, regardless of whether he’d stayand sulk if you tell him “no”.

This is not how family life works, he needs to learn quick smart or pack and go.

He’s also disgusting for controlling when you apparently don’t see your family.

OP this is not ok, you are not a nag and you shouldn’t be any more grateful for him working than he is for you taking care of the baby.

Please try and get out there to meet some nice Mum friends. Also phone your Mum and make plans to see her.

I'm really relaxed with this type of thing, having separate time away etc, but the lack of respect and the actual lies are bang out of order! YANBU.

So your DP:
Is a liar.
Thinks it's ok to plan a trip away for 5 nights without discussing it with you.
Doesn't want to spend time with your family, or for you to do so.
Has distanced you from your friends.
Is good mates with a man who is cheating.
Tells you that you are needy.

He's not coming across well OP. I don't think there is anything wrong with him going away for 5 days, it's not ideal but you'll manage, but the way he is going about it, who is is going with and everything else is not on.

It appears I’ve made him out to be a really awful person. He’s not. He’s very sensible (usually) and helps with the baby when he can especially on the weekends and makes sure we go out so I’m not stuck at home as usual which is nice. I’m just pissed off over the one sidedness our relationship has seen to have fallen into. I will tell the girlfriend of her partners disgusting behaviour but I’m going to try and get him to do it so I don’t have to. I do think going away without baby to get back at him will give me serious anxiety but I will let him think about how he’d feel if it was the same. I’m 21 and have pretty much no money besides maternity and we’re living with his parents so it’s a really uncomfortable situation too. I just don’t know why he can’t see that it’s not ok to leave me in his parents house alone with them and the baby. Makes it very uncomfortable. I understand his behaviour is super weird but I’m not ready to leave him. I need to make that decision and I guess him going away will be a great time. Thank you for all your thoughts x

OP I think the problem is its not that you are making him out to be a awful person but more there are relationship red flags going on

1. NEVER let him stop you going to see your family and friends as he clearly isnt going to let him stop you do the same him

2. How does money work with you - do you share it. Working is a normal adult thing to do for him to support you and his child

3. You need to talk to him and compromise about time off and responsibilities

You are both young and you need to get some clear boundaries and rules in place for both of you now if you want your relationship to work. A 5 day camping trip is all well and good but he has a partner and a child.

Also you call yourself needy - why. Does he say that does he call your perfectly normal and reasonable expectations of him as a partner you being needy

Let him go... the minute he gets in the door say "lovely to see you, glad you're back safe, you can tell me all about it later, must dash, here" hand him baby and disappear for 12 hours, at least!

I'd tell him to fuck off. But I'm 35 and I don't put up with childish behaviour anymore.

You sound like you think you owe him something for going to work. Is he 'so grateful' that you look after your child every day? And btw he doesn't 'help' with the baby, it's parenting his own child.

Do the in-laws help you out?

YANBU. Your DP is.
My DH tried to pull a similar set of stunts on me early in our relationship (he was going to lots of after work drinks - if I said yes I then couldn’t complain when he came home late and drunk. If I said no, he was a good boy, but sulky as I’d stopped his fun and I was the baddy).
I thought about it and decided this approach was rubbish for me. So I told him I was not his mum and that he wasn’t to ask me for ‘permission’ to go out. He had to decide what to do (go out or come home) and I would then decide if I was happy with that and I would act accordingly.
It worked - and he took responsibility for his decisions and how he treated me and decided to stop being an arse, so the relationship survived.
It will work for you, but you will have to decide if what you receive is an acceptable relationship. It may not be, but if you put the responsibility for his behaviour on to him, you will know where you stand. The sneakiness does not (in my opinion) bode well. Good luck.

Don't make an issue about him going at all. But if he dares to try to stop you seeing your family or doing something that you want to do telling that you are entitled the same as he is to see or do things independently.
I've been married 30 years. It is about give and take.
I know he's been a little shit about it but you need leverage.
Even wish him to have fun. Pack your bag and go and see your family.

No, he doesn't "help" with the baby, he's just doing what he should be doing, as the joint parent of your child. The child is as much his responsibility as yours. You need to change your mind frame about that. A man isn't a good dad just because he sometimes changes the baby's nappy, or plays with it. To be a good dad, he also needs to be a good partner, and respect his partner. Lying is not a sign of respect. Stopping his partner from seeing her family, because of his wants, ignoring her needs, is also a lack of respect.

Are you saving for a house deposit, staying at his parents? If so, is the savings account in both your names? You need to make sure it is.

I'm not expecting you to leave him right now, but I do think you need to have a good think about your relationship. It would also be a good idea to do the Freedom Programme, to learn about, and understand the signs of abuse. Many women don't think they're in an abusive relationship, because their partner can be really nice at times, and has never hit them, but abuse is complex, and there are many forms of it. Every woman should educate herself about it, so she knows if a relationship is heading that way, and can support friends or family who may be suffering it.

Your relationship has some abuse red flags, hence my concern. So, keep your eyes open, and remember what I and others have said.