That no-one warned us about the horror of narcissists?

[iwunderwhy]

Am I wrong to be really angry that the medical and psychiatric communities let the public down by not educating us decades ago on narcissism, and for not calling it the serious F'g mental illness it is. Narcissism - the real deal (not vanity etc) is shocking, devastating, and dangerous AND there's mounting evidence its increasing. It's like a narcissism tsunami ...Is it me or WTF??

I'm so glad to hear from other's on here. Phew... !...

I wish mags and newspapers would take this knowledge mainstream; the traits to look out, and advising people when to run for the hills after persistent lying, gas lighting, and “you’re not my boss’ism” as someone on here brilliantly called it, plus the denial, stalking etc etc.

Conventional therapy has trained us to the idea that all relationships can be fixed if only both parties work on it, but that’s NOT true with Narcs. It’s the opposite. We need to get honest about that and start arming the ‘innocent' parties with better information. Real Narcs cannot be fixed, and therapy with a Narc can be downright destructive if the therapist gets manipulated into siding with the Narc against you. Some therapists are Narcs themselves too. Narcs protect Narcs !!

It’s 2019 and we know more. It's just not right that decent people keep getting caught into devastating cycles with these Narcs because the medical community is silent, OR wants to make money from this, OR pretends this isn’t a big problem, OR dismiss it as whinging from a bunch of Mnrs. If we can read an upteeth story about someone with a 1 in a zillion medical condition, then surely we can read about this.

Hi iwunder I agree. Knowledge is so important. It really can free people who are stuck in a bafflingly toxic relationship with this type of person. It inoculates you against them and their ways and, by providing understanding, brings huge mental relief.

It helps to think of them like a dangerous animal. A scorpion, say. A perfectly natural phenomenon but you have to accept a scorpion for what it is. You can't change it, or get upset with it for being the way it is. Just back away carefully and avoid as much as possible or you will get stung.

Long term poster here but name change in case anyone in rl recognises me.

I can honestly say when I met dh (not so) I would never have said he was anything other than thoughtful,polite,respectful and kind.
20 years down the line I've had enough and emotionally checked out years ago.

We had a big blip and dh left for a few months. I should have gone with my gut then and said no to a reconciliation but I still wanted that happy family and look at all the years hard work into our home and life.

Now I see they are material things and the more I look back at memorable fall outs they were all over his behaviour or selfishness or attitude or arrogance.

His lack of empathy for anyone is at its worst now and he's on self destruct mode but as ever it's always someone else's fault

I know I have no feeling or attachment to the person he was or I was or the house we've created as I feel absolutely nothing towards it or him.

I just feel anger and resentment towards him,his behaviour and his attitude that when I call him out on it I'm blanked for days and Hel do nothing with or at home to help and create the worst bad feeling ever. It's his vicious circle of control. Just when I get to the point where I've had enough and tell him so Hel stroll in and make an effort with the dc and chat and do stuff around the house.

He's currently hanging washing out and cooking for the dc. He hasn't done either of these out of spite for over a week now.

The more he behaves like it the more it now makes me want shot of him. I used to hate it and try constantly to talk to him only to be yelled at and batted away like a pain in his ass.

Not anymore. He earns a a lot more than me yet the bills are still split 50 50 as he has to control his own money which he blows every month on things just for himself.
Think hundreds on body art gaming stuff and alcohol.

It's like having a stroppy arrogant teenager in the house. I look at him and cringe.

He is a narcissist. His behaviour is to an extreme to gain control of any situation he needs to gain from.

He isn't in any way normal nor is his lack of ability to put others first.

Everything's done out of a gain for himself or spite.
He also has no morals.

I feel so much better I've put that in writing.

@marblesgoing I am so sorry that you're living in this horror. That's exactly my point that current relationship advice locks us in by telling us talk, discuss, work on your issues etc etc. What they never told us is the only thing you can do with a Narc is leave. Narcs can't be reasoned with, or changed, and trying only sets up a cold war with these mental and emotional deficients that will eventually destroy you.

If therapists, counsellors, and psychologists did their job re public education then a generation or more wouldn't have got stuck with these emotional vampires. Because with the courts the way they are, and if you have kids, and have built a home with these monsters then you are stuck and its a hellish trying to break free. Narcs try to turn their kids into Narcs, and Narcs protect Narcs so to the people who say its only 1-6% of the pop, watch this space.

@marblesgoing Its not an accident he gets nicer as soon as you've had enough. He's a vampire and he's studying and clearly understands you, not to love or treasure you, but to control you, so you never leave. He want's to keep sucking your blood forever. He-will-not-stop and he will-not-change.

You sound vital enough to make a good future life without this creep. Start watching & understanding him not in a "I will change you way", but in an "understand your enemy" way. Becoz that's how he has seen you all along. Then make your exit plan... do it... and stick to it.