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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

307 replies

Starlight30 · 09/07/2019 23:36

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

CurbsideProphet · 10/07/2019 10:19

I can't think of any sensible reason why you were sat at that table

I'm planning my wedding and have created the table plan to make sure everyone is sat with their family / friends (including the bridesmaids etc). A wedding is an opportunity for family and friends to spend time together, not make polite conversation with strangers

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 10:19

The only thing I would say is this.

If she has done this to be malicious (and think about it deeply, has she ever shown other signs of this). If she has done it to spite you, bringing it up with her is playing right into her hands.

If you ask about it she'll probably kick off, either to you, or about you to your brother, and if she's a bridzilla type, say you ruined her day now as you've upset her and there's nothing to do about it, or you're making her day all about you.

Also, showing you was upset will be her desired outcome. If she put you back there to upset you, she's won by upsetting you, if you see what I mean.

I'm speaking from experience with some volatile narc family members, who when they do something to upset and spite you, turn it back onto you.

Juells · 10/07/2019 10:29

When my niece was married my sister and I drove my mother to the back end of beyond, stayed two nights in a hotel, between presents and hotel it cost a fortune. When we went to the reception we found we were sitting at the table right by the door to the kitchen, with young people we didn't know. My mother was the only grandparent my niece had. There was a top table with about fifteen people. We all plastered smiles on our faces, but never went to another wedding from that family, and never sent a present.

I think it's simply about "Oh, they won't mind where they sit, there's an un-even number at that table, that will sort it.".

Now you know how important you are in your SiL's eyes. As a PP said, the groom never looks at the seating arrangements, it's down to her.

ladyratterley · 10/07/2019 10:33

I'll go against the grain here. I wasn't seated near the top table at my brothers wedding. I honestly didn't think anything of it.
My brother will be sitting on a table with my SIL, nephew and a couple of my fiance's siblings & their kids at my wedding.
It's hard to do wedding seating plans. You can never please anyone and it's only for an hour or so while you eat. I think running off to the toilet in tears is a bit OTT (although your SIL's colleague was a bit of a dick!).

Juells · 10/07/2019 10:41

My brother will be sitting on a table with my SIL, nephew and a couple of my fiance's siblings & their kids at my wedding.

All family, in other words. So not the same situation.

NewFoneWhoDis · 10/07/2019 10:43

My sister did this at her wedding. My family were either top table or the ones immediately in front of that. I was somewhere about three quarters of the room away from them at a table of random people. A few at the table didn't even know the bride and groom's names off the top of their head. She also had three bridesmaids, she has three sisters so logically you'd give the sisters that role. But the third spot went to a friend that she'd drifted away from for a decade. To cap it all off, I wasn't allowed a +1 though she gave literally every other guest one. All of those things made it clear to every single guest there how little she thought of me. And said more about her than it did about me.
Mum was furious with her but sister stomped her feet and said it was her day and she could do what she wanted. I never said anything at the time but it did hurt me a lot.

A few years later she apologised, but tbh it was just the cherry on top of decades of indifference from her so it was too little too late. And she really hasn't changed in her indifference to me, so the apology was pointless. We are low contact now and event that is only because of mum.

SagAloojah · 10/07/2019 10:44

YANBU, very shitty to do that to you after they were GM and BM at your wedding.

I would have to ask them why otherwise it will become a festering sore in your relationship with them.

LillithsFamiliar · 10/07/2019 10:55

It probably wasn't deliberate. When we did our seating plan, we did think carefully about who sat beside who but we didn't actually specify the order of the tables iyswim and since the tables were named (not numbered) it was the caterers who decided where tables were in relation to the top table.
The other guest was either rude or joking. You know what your relationship with your DB is like. Don't let this spoil it.

GrouchoMrx · 10/07/2019 11:16

I think you should have a private word with your DBro.

Explain to him what your SIL's colleague said and ask him directly whether you are indeed in the bad books.

Orangeyougladitsme · 10/07/2019 11:19

That happened to us with stepbrother (who was always considered and treated as full brother due to the age we met)
His dad was on the top table along with his mum and mum's new boyfriend and brides parents. My mum however who had been there for brother all his life was dumped with me, DIs and our respective partners and my DD at a table at the very back of the giant room by the loos with the brides mum's workmates.
Mum/DSF had massively financially contributed to the wedding and had asked stepbro to order his dad's suit (DM paid for all the suits for 11 groomsmen as well as groom) and book a room at the hotel along with all the other guests he was booking for.

Upon arriving for suit fitting DBro hadn't included his dad in the suit order. He had to quickly order a matching one. When arriving at the hotel they hadn't been allocated a wedding guest room either so had to book a last minute one and the only ones remaining were scandalous priced.

When the couple were thanking people for their help and support and handing out token gifts, he left his dad out telling him "we didn't know what to get you".

Upon arrival at the venue there was a table of drinks available for us day guests. I picked one of the children's drinks up for my daughter, the groom's niece. A woman approached and told me they weren't for us and I'd have to buy a drink for my child at the bar. It was DBro's MIL.

We're NC now. I'd always got on great with DB but since meeting his wife he's awful. She wouldn't even put my mum's name on Christmas cards. She barely knew my mum to even have an issue with her.

womenspeakout · 10/07/2019 11:20

But if it's noticeable you're whole family IS at the front, and you're the only family member at the back at a random table with work colleges, that's a bit different.

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 10/07/2019 11:22

For all of those saying it is hard to please everyone when it comes to seating plans I have to disagree a little. Surely there is a level of prioritisation? When I got married I had parents and usual people at the top table and then ALL family and wedding party on the closest tables and friends further out.

It is not hard to include your siblings in table plans. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother and they were all on the main family table with their partners. And if they were put on a table away from all their family I would expect them to ask me why.

It really is not a very nice thing to have to experience. When my Uncle (we were very close) got remarried me and my siblings were put at the back of the room with his new wives gardener and cleaner...we respectfully stayed for the speeches but left before the evening reception as it was a clear statement from his wife about how she felt. Funnily enough they are no longer together when she tried to stop him seeing any of his family.

PolkaDance · 10/07/2019 11:23

Maybe as a pp suggested, the venue had different sized tables from those in the seating plan and they had to think on their feet when setting the tables:

Bride/groom/bridesmaids etc - main/top table
Grooms family - ‘Smith’ - put them together
Brides family - ‘Jones’ - put them together
Op and DH - ‘Bloggs’ - put them wherever.

Clutching at straws 🤷‍♀️

NameChange92 · 10/07/2019 11:25

It is possible that there’s a decent reason for it - table plans are nightmares to organise and sometimes it is easier to put the people you’re closer to in awkward positions because you know you can rely on them. I told my sister to seat me anywhere would help for her wedding, i’m quite happy to talk to randoms/ act as a buffer. The problem is that you didn’t know about it in advance (and the person you spoke to who was definitely a jerk).

But It’s also possible that your brother was supposed to talk to you about it in advance but in all the planning stress forgot to.

You need to have a conversation with him about it, you’ll never know either way otherwise.

onanothertrain · 10/07/2019 11:26

You are being very over sensitive. What an OTT reaction from an adult.
I have never considered where tables are placed at a wedding as a guest or at my own wedding. It's 2 hours, can't believe you stormed out your brothers wedding.
Why all the comments saying it's the SILs fault - there was a groom as well

Spidey66 · 10/07/2019 11:27

Aren't tables often mixed, to encourage mingling? Though yes it was a tad unfair to sit so far back.

Juells · 10/07/2019 11:30

I have never considered where tables are placed at a wedding as a guest or at my own wedding.

Blaming other people for being able to identify when their relative un-importance to the B&G has been highlighted.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 10/07/2019 11:34

Next time you are hosting at Christmas, serve the two of them at a wobbly card table in the hallway, with everyone else in the dining room.

And only allow them one (small) roast potato each.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 · 10/07/2019 11:35

Surely there is a level of prioritisation? When I got married I had parents and usual people at the top table and then ALL family and wedding party on the closest tables and friends further out.

that's exactly what I avoided at my own wedding, I hate this priority thing nonsense. Bride and groom tend to have to be the centre of attention (I liked it), but then mixing guests around ensure that no one feels like a second-class citizen. There's no need, everybody made the effort to come, why should there be any order?
Tables are where they can be, but guests spread around the room is so much friendlier.

I did put all the kids table at the back because not only they don't mind, but they were also free to leave and go run around and play without bothering anyone

Thrupennybrit · 10/07/2019 11:38

That must have stung OP but is it possible that somebody swapped the table placecards to give themselves a better place. This happened at one wedding I attended, the fallout between the movers, the bride's mother and the movees lasted a lifetime. But at least the bridal party were not to blame.

Juells · 10/07/2019 11:38

There's no need, everybody made the effort to come, why should there be any order?

Because you're going to cause great offence, which will never be forgotten, if your grandmother and aunts 'happen' to be given the shittest table

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 10/07/2019 11:39

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 I get your point and this is actually a really nice idea, but in the OPs case it was only her that was separated and put in a different place.

I think what you do at your own wedding is totally your choice, either mix it all up or put all family together, but this seemed to be an obvious isolation!

Waveysnail · 10/07/2019 11:42

Could this be a case of there not.being enough seating at family tables so Db thought your sociable and would enjoy his wife's work friends

NoSquirrels · 10/07/2019 11:46

You’re not being over sensitive, that was an unexpected and hurtful situation to be in.

It could have happened for all sorts of genuine reasons that are nothing to do with trying to upset you, but the bride & groom should have warned you in advance and asked if it would be OK because it would really help them.

Have a word with your brother calmly sometime about it and explain how it made you feel.

LorelaiRoryEmily · 10/07/2019 12:19

My DH did the table plan with me and we made sure that everybody was sitting with people they knew. Even the nasty SIL, she was with elderly aunts and uncles, her dh, her son other SILs bf. oh and the babysitter(complete stranger to us) that she insisted on bringing to mind her 6year old

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