AIBU to ask new school to move DS to a different class away from the biter

[PetrichorRain]

DS is going to reception class in the local infants school in September. It's quite a big school with 3 forms of entry. He's been to his transition morning today and when we picked him up, he'd been bitten. He told us that the child who'd bitten him (I'll call him Luke) was going to be in his class next year. Luke used to be at DS's nursery and preschool and bit DS all the bloody time. We were very patient as we knew the staff were doing their best to work with Luke and his parents, but Luke's parents apparently were reluctant to engage or to seek any kind of medical investigations, and eventually they were asked to remove Luke. Luke then went to another preschool and the biting of DS stopped (although I heard in the grapevine he was biting children there). But now he's obviously in the same reception class as DS, and on their first morning together, DS has already been bitten. Would I be unreasonable to make an appointment with the headmistress and ask for DS to be put in one of the other reception classes? Are they likely to agree to move him? I can't deal with 7 years of DS being bitten by Luke. I do feel bad for Luke and his parents as it looks like he may have done additional needs but I'm very tired of my son being hurt. Unfortunately we live in a small market town with no other primary schools so we can't try to move DS to another school.

I have decided to wage a war of attrition if they won't move him, I.e. Request a meeting with the headmistress every single time Luke bites DS. Is that unreasonable?

@Headinabook55 sadly Luke’s parents refuse to accept that there may be special needs so have refused intervention and investigation which is why our nursery ended up asking them to remove him. Hopefully if his behaviour doesn’t improve st school the staff might more impression on them.

OldIrishTERF, DS isn’t being bullied and is fact very popular in his preschool. Luke seems to have additional needs and doesn’t concentrate his bites on DS. For all I know, he bit several children this morning, in which case I imagine the head is going to have a difficult couple of days.

A few posters have said they’re teachers - would you expect the teacher to have recorded the bite in an accident/injury book? At preschool, they got us to sign something when DS had been hurt, at pick up - do infant schools usually do something similar?

You might want to reconsider your username if you'd call a girl child a male, whether that's alpha, beta or any other letter OldIrishTERF

Oh , your poor child - those are some serious bite marks!

DEF go in straight away & complain that this happened - ask what was done about it at the time. Did they tell you when you picked your little one up? Ask them what they're going to do to ensure that your child is NEVER bitten again! If their answer is not satisfactory, I'd tell them the entire back story & demand a move.

Another teacher/parent here... absolutely request the move. I suspect sensory needs with Luke that will definitely have to be addressed at some point in the not too distant future

I always feel so sad for parents who refuse to believe there might be a problem.

You should tell the school the history & your concerns; if it was me I'd probably say that I'd accept their decision on management of it, as long as it consistently safeguarded my DS. If it happened again I would then make specific requests like saying he needs to be moved (assuming he hadn't already). I also like gingerbiscuits' idea of asking for their solution and making specific demands if you don't think it's good enough.

I hope the wound gets better soon.

I was going to call to ask for an appointment - would it be better just to show up, do you think?

Just saw the photo

I would . Stay massively calm but explain it’s been a few years of biting and now on day one / a bite . Please can they move him
Now before it gets worse
Depending on how the conversation goes
You can target a class , but that’s lesser priority

He will just bite someone else won’t he

That’s a nasty mark

Appointment but send in a formal email first and attach that photo

This is a solution for you but not for the headteacher as all it would mean for her is a different set of parents complaining. You are totally though NBU to ask how she will keep your son (and other pupils) safe though.

I’m a teacher and yes, we would record any incident in which a child bit or otherwise hurt another child. I would also expect a child who repeatedly bit to have a behaviour support plan which very clearly outlined the child’s triggers to behaviour, potential behaviours and the strategies to be used to reduce them happening, to de-escalate situations and what the consequence/ response to the behaviour should be. All staff working in the class would read and be aware of any behaviour support plans so that they can properly support children to manage their behaviour.

Ok, so plan is to email this morning, asking for appointment to discuss bite, attach pictures, ask them for their solutions and not mention moving classes at first. Thanks all!

The difficulty you will have is unless Luke is specifically targeting your ds they will be reluctant to set a precedent and start agreeing to move children to avoid him and will tell you they are aware and working on the issue instead.

I would lie and tell them when they were together before your ds was targeted more than other children because of and ask them how they intend to protect your son from this. Tell them he is already anxious and does not want to come back to school. Have the conversation as soon as possible.

I work in a small primary school. There is no reason why you shouldn’t ask. Biting is horrible and potentially dangerous.

Make an appointment with the head to speak to her about the history and request a change of class. If they can’t do it, ask them how they plan to keep your DS safe and show them the photos you’ve posted here.

I wouldn’t attach the photos to the email, OP.

Say you have photos from transition day and are happy to bring them to the meeting.

I’d attach the pictures because it is actually a bad bite! When op first said bite I thought it was an over reaction until I saw the pictures. It’s quite a mark the other child left!

I'm not a teacher. My DC have only had paperwork from head bangs at school but you might get a phone call for a very visible other injury.

The teachers won't want anyone to be getting regularly bitten or expect DC to just tolerate it, SN or not. You will not be party to all the strategies they are using with Luke and having given them the evidence, try to trust them to deal with it. It's hard when your DS is only little I know, but people who choose to teach 4 year olds tend to be pretty empathic. You might be amazed how Luke comes on in the next couple of years.

YANBU . I would definitely ask . I can see,no reason why your son cannot be moved.
Wish I HAD made more fuss about things when my DSs were in Primary- I am a actually a teacher and tolerated too much.

Have emailed - I didn't ask specifically for a class change but I did say separating them might be the best solution if Luke is targetting DS in particular.

I would absolutely request a move - yadnbu. I find it astounding that he was bitten on a 'move up day' when the teachers are supposedly keeping a very close watch on them - definitely a safeguarding concern that is worth raising.

Who cares if you are 'that' parent? If you get him moved now there will be far less disruption than if he moves mid-term. The bite mark on your son is horrific. I hope he's ok.

I hope that you will be reassured by the response you receive from the school. I think that as you have experienced this behaviour against your son by this child I would ask for the names of the school governors and make it clear you will inform them on each and any subsequent time biting occurs

You are not THAT PARENT, you are however an intelligent and capable parent that has the ability to make a valid observation about the behaviour of a child who might need help. Your response might get that child help he needs

Funnily enough, I was just talking to a good friend about this, and she said the exact same thing about contacting the governors - that's helful advice, thanks. That will be my next step if I don't get a satisfactory response.

Second dripfeed alert: DS had hand surgery for a congenital issue last year, and I'm worried that if he's bitten on the surgery site/scar, it might cause damage which will need further surgery to repair. I've mentioned that in my email to the head.

Head has replied already offering to meet this week, which is reassuring. I remembered last summer I'd requested a record of all the times DS had been bitten from preschool, so I think I'll take that too, and request copies of any times between July 2018 and when Luke had to leave.

Did you talk to the Head?

@summerdown, yes we did, thanks for asking.

We had a chat with DS's nursery about it the day before, and they told us they thought Luke will actually be going to one of the local village schools. So when we went in, the first thing the head (who was lovely, btw) asked was if we knew who had bitten DS, and we explained that DS was adamant it was Luke but that now we weren't sure as we'd heard he wouldn't be going to that school. We told her is full name and she checked the class lists and he isn't one of the children!

So it's a bit of a mystery - clearly DS was bitten but we don't know who by. We hypothesised together that perhaps he's so used to beiong bitten by Luke that he automatically says it was him. She explained that the children from all three classes (Hawthorn, Pear and Oak) had been allowed to mix at playtime so we couldn't even be sure it was another child in Hawthorn. She said they would be happy to move DS into either of the other classes if we wanted them to, anyway. (In my email I'd suggested they might be better separated but hadn't actually asked to have him moved, and she mentioned that she was aware that I wasn't DEMANDING anything). But we chatted about it with her for a bit, and bearing in mind that several people have told us the teacher from Hawthorn is the nicest reception teacher, and we couldn't even be sure it was a Hawthorn child who bit him, AND it definitely wasn't LUKE so no previous history between DS and the biter, we decided to leave him where he is for now. Especially since he does have at least one friend in Hawthorn and has seen his classroom and met his teacher now.

She said they hadn't seen him be bitten nor had he told anyone (probably because he didn't know who to go to), and they seemed genuinely horrified and embarrassed about it. She said if they had seen it, they would have called us about it, and they also send home an accident form when children are injured in any way. She said they completely understood why we were unhappy about it and would keep a very close eye on the class for further incidents, and that if there are any further incidents, we can look again at moving DS.

Overall, we were very happy and reassured. We realised that they do have procedures in place if it happens again - she also said to contact her again if there are any similar "serious" incidents (which made me feel like they were taking it seriously) or even if DS feels left out or bullied in any way. And she seemed really responsive and friendly and approachable. So fingers crossed it was just a one-off prompted by heightened emotions at Transition Day.

Thanks for all the advice people offered on this thread, it was very helpful.