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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask new school to move DS to a different class away from the biter

120 replies

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 18:29

DS is going to reception class in the local infants school in September. It's quite a big school with 3 forms of entry. He's been to his transition morning today and when we picked him up, he'd been bitten. He told us that the child who'd bitten him (I'll call him Luke) was going to be in his class next year. Luke used to be at DS's nursery and preschool and bit DS all the bloody time. We were very patient as we knew the staff were doing their best to work with Luke and his parents, but Luke's parents apparently were reluctant to engage or to seek any kind of medical investigations, and eventually they were asked to remove Luke. Luke then went to another preschool and the biting of DS stopped (although I heard in the grapevine he was biting children there). But now he's obviously in the same reception class as DS, and on their first morning together, DS has already been bitten. Would I be unreasonable to make an appointment with the headmistress and ask for DS to be put in one of the other reception classes? Are they likely to agree to move him? I can't deal with 7 years of DS being bitten by Luke. I do feel bad for Luke and his parents as it looks like he may have done additional needs but I'm very tired of my son being hurt. Unfortunately we live in a small market town with no other primary schools so we can't try to move DS to another school.

I have decided to wage a war of attrition if they won't move him, I.e. Request a meeting with the headmistress every single time Luke bites DS. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 20:02

@PepsiLola DS says the teacher had told Luke to sit down and told him 'No thank you'. I guess they wouldn't be too harsh to him on his first day?! I don't know. Saying 'no thank you' is what preschool/nursery told them to say to Luke when he tried to bite.

OP posts:

ducky21 · 09/07/2019 20:03

100% agree with your plan. Definitely make an appointment now. If you can prevent this it is worth a shot since you have history with this child.

Aragog · 09/07/2019 20:04

It's horrible that your little boy was bitten, and even more frustrating that was by someone who has bitten him several times before. I agree, not nice at all and especially at his transition.

You should speak to school to have this recorded in their accident/incident book and for reassurance.

I'm not sure how easy it would be to move your child though. Is the year full? The problem with moving your child to a new class would be that they'd possible need to then move a different child out and into your son's class. But transition has started. It wouldn't be fit in the other child.

Aragog · 09/07/2019 20:04

Not fit - fair

cantkeepawayforever · 09/07/2019 20:06

Aragog, OP has already said that classes are 25. So 1 class of 24 and 1 of 26 wouldn't be too bad.

cantkeepawayforever · 09/07/2019 20:09

It's also not entirely unusual for a child or two not to turn up to Reception in September, so the class sizes are likely to vary a bit over the coming few weeks anyway.

Jinxed2 · 09/07/2019 20:14

Why is he biting so much? Never come across anything like that before...

Isthisafreename · 09/07/2019 20:14

Definitely ask. Explain he was a target in pre-school and, given what happened today, it looks like he will be an ongoing target.

Tell them that you think the simplest solution is to move your ds to another class, preferably pear as he has friends in that class. If pear isn't an option, you would still like to have him moved to the other class as you want to ensure his safety.

I know people are saying don't ask for pear but I don't see any reason why you shouldn't express a preference. You're not demanding it. You are simply saying why you would prefer one over the other.

When my dd was starting school she knew only one child (a sibling of a friend of ds). I asked the teacher would it be possible for her to be in the same class as most of the kids starting were in the same pre-school so all knew one another. She obliged and put them in the same class. I asked politely, said I understood if it wasn't possible but would appreciate it if it could be done. Nothing unreasonable in that.

GreenTulips · 09/07/2019 20:15

Luke bites other children moving your son won’t solve the problem as it will just be somebody else’s child being hurt

Yes great idea! OP tell your child that he’s taking one for the team and he can be a little bite buddy! Why not ask for DS to be glued to Luke to save all the others?

SkintAsASkintThing · 09/07/2019 20:15

YANBU.

My Ds was a biter due to his SN and I'd say 99% of the time it was due to adults not supervising. (( He only ever got to one child on my watch which was a family member thank goodness )) your son has the right to attend school and not be assaulted. Not only that but bites are bloody dangerous. And can turn very nasty. If the school can't guarantee to keep the rest of the children safe then this child needs to be kept at home until either school up their game or he starts to get on top of things.

Which is exactly what I did after a particularly bad incident in my son's school.

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 20:22

@GreenTulips ha! I was just about to post something very similar! With the best will in the world, I care more about my son's happiness than I do about other children's.

I don't know where to feel better or worse that he's being very phlegmatic about it. I think he got so used to being bitten at nursery that he just thought 'Oh there's Luke, oh I've been bitten, plus sa change' and got on with things.

OP posts:

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 20:24

Plus ça change, autocorrect fouling up my attempts at French there!

OP posts:

LadyRannaldini · 09/07/2019 20:29

By asking and explaining the verifiable history from the nursery school you will be making the school aware of the problem they're getting, the new nursery school may not have told the school.

Dieu · 09/07/2019 20:32

I work in a school, and would say that you have nothing to lose by making the request. I know I would. Good luck!

WomanLikeMeLM · 09/07/2019 20:41

Yabu, are you using the biter as an excuse to move him into the class with his friends.

PicsInRed · 09/07/2019 20:42

I was THAT parent when my child was being regularly attacked by a child with behavioural issues. When the school realised that I wasn't going away, the problem got solved...for my child, anyway.

Squeaky wheel gets the grease. I can't save the other kids (that's for their parents to "squeak" on), but I'm sure as hell not having my own child beaten in school.

Ambydex · 09/07/2019 20:44

Your job is to advocate strongly that your son is not bitten. You don't get to determine how the school achieve that. Moving classes is only one option, the most nuclear really with significant impact on any moved children and the least likely to happen. As you say 25 might be a hard ceiling and they are highly unlikely to move another 4 year old away from the class they've been given now. There might be other things in train such as extra staffing, that you are not party to. Absolutely give them the background, ask for a plan of how they are going to keep your child safe, and report any incidents straight away, but don't dogmatically insist that moving classes is the only possible solution. If any move takes place, you should expect it to be your son who moves.

Biting much at this age is unusual and school should have a very low tolerance for it, plus transition is a really stressful time which is likely to bring these behaviours to a peak. There is lots of scope for it to improve with the right interventions and it's often all hands on deck with the YRs so all is not lost if you don't get the move you want.

OldIrishTERF · 09/07/2019 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 20:56

WomanLikeMeLM

I have said a couple of times already that I won't mention moving to Pear class specifically, and if he gets moved to Oak class, he won't be with anyone he knows, so obviously I'm not 'using the biting as an excuse'. Is it really so difficult to believe I don't want my son to be bitten regularly?!

OP posts:

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 20:59

OldIrishTERF I certainly don't want to encourage DS to think biting is the answer to any question. I have been extremely tempted to tell him to smack Luke on the nose, but it seems very likely Luke is biting because he has additional needs of some kind and I don't particularly want to raise a child who will hit a child with SN, even if provoked.

OP posts:

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 21:01

@PicsInRed that has often been my motto through life and it's served me well so far. I'm definitely going to go in a calmly ask what they're going to do about safeguarding my child.

OP posts:

Headinabook55 · 09/07/2019 21:08

I was in your shoes this time last year.

My sons preschool actually told the pimary themselves that under no circumstamces should my son be in the same class as the boy who bit. The staff at preschool also pushed me to make the same request of the school...this made me feel awful but I had to do it for my son.

Thankfully, they were separated for reception. The boy who bites started demonstrating his difficult behaviour traits by the second week of school. I was so relieved my son was not on the receiving end any more.

It's important (not always easy) to advocate for your child.

Original poster

PetrichorRain · 09/07/2019 21:08

And in actual fact, I don’t want him to move class. I’ve met his teacher, he’s met his class and seen his classroom, his teacher home visit has been arranged. I don’t want to unsettle him further. But I don’t want him to be bitten every week or even every other week or every month. It’s not fair. He should be excited for his new school, not worried about whether he’s going to get out without bruises every day. It’s not like I’ll enjoy going in and kicking up a fuss and risk being labelled “that parent”. DS has some genetic health issues that I had to make the teacher aware of, and it’s bad enough to do that once without having to tell another teacher.

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LauraMipsum · 09/07/2019 21:11

Someone who learns not to instinctively thump anyone who annoys them is definitely not a "beta male" or a "wimp;" when did MNers start using MRA terminology?! There's nothing inherently masculine and courageous about hitting children with additional needs

Headinabook55 · 09/07/2019 21:22

And to echo other posters...the biting seems to be a behaviour connected to SN which are now under investigation.

My son had been bitten more than three times between age 2 and age 4 and a half by this particular boy. I had to protect him as sadly, I think the ladies at his preschool had failed to on occasion.

My son is also a stoic and had that 'plus ca change' attitude. Which in many ways broke my heart. He didnt ever make a fuss!

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