AIBU to ask new school to move DS to a different class away from the biter

[PetrichorRain]

DS is going to reception class in the local infants school in September. It's quite a big school with 3 forms of entry. He's been to his transition morning today and when we picked him up, he'd been bitten. He told us that the child who'd bitten him (I'll call him Luke) was going to be in his class next year. Luke used to be at DS's nursery and preschool and bit DS all the bloody time. We were very patient as we knew the staff were doing their best to work with Luke and his parents, but Luke's parents apparently were reluctant to engage or to seek any kind of medical investigations, and eventually they were asked to remove Luke. Luke then went to another preschool and the biting of DS stopped (although I heard in the grapevine he was biting children there). But now he's obviously in the same reception class as DS, and on their first morning together, DS has already been bitten. Would I be unreasonable to make an appointment with the headmistress and ask for DS to be put in one of the other reception classes? Are they likely to agree to move him? I can't deal with 7 years of DS being bitten by Luke. I do feel bad for Luke and his parents as it looks like he may have done additional needs but I'm very tired of my son being hurt. Unfortunately we live in a small market town with no other primary schools so we can't try to move DS to another school.

I have decided to wage a war of attrition if they won't move him, I.e. Request a meeting with the headmistress every single time Luke bites DS. Is that unreasonable?

bitey mcbiteface

Thanks all, this is very helpful. I'm concerned that it happened when they have only been together for 3 hours! To be honest, if it had happened 3 weeks into the new term, I would have been a bit less concerned but it feels thad me like Luke made a beeline to fasten his fangs on my son after being deprived of him for half a year. I do know this isn't necessarily the case, as Luke bit lots of children at his old and new preschool. But I feel like, if they can't keep DS safe for 3 hours, what's it going to be like in September?

It's worth noting that this year the school has restricted the class sizes to 25 because of some renovation works. So legally they wouldn't be over the maximum if they did move DS. However they've presumably got good reasons for limiting to 25... it would be convenient if some other parents want to move their child too so we could swap.

When you picked him up, what did the staff say about the bite?

@Davespecifico - I'd like to believe Luke will grow out of biting but he started when they were both babies and there's been no sign of it lessening so I'm not hopeful! But it's a good point about DS having a good friend in Hawthorn class already.

I'm also aware that any child from Luke's preschool will probably also want to move away from Hawthorn class!

Has he got scars from old bites.

@saraclara, DH did drop off and then someone from his preschool picked him up at lunchtime so we didn't see the school staff at all. It's very unfortunate but I was interviewing for a junior position in my team all day so couldn't do pick up myself, and DH had several onsite meetings that he couldn't rearrange. That's one reason why I would like to talk to someone at the school.

@Davespecifico, no, Luke rarely breaks the skin luckily.

@iambouddica thanks, that's very useful advise. I know when nursery eventually asked Luke's parents to remove him, they said it was because they had a duty to safeguard all the other children.

I think if it's likely that Luke will reconise ds as someone he bites, and so bite him again, it's better for not only ds, but also Luke and the teacher if the 'temptation' is removed. It does sound as if Luke bites other children, and I think if he's not grown out of it by now there's a chance he has some additional needs.

I think if you sell it to the school on the grounds that Luke is likely to hone in on ds, and that just means difficulty for the teacher and the rest of the class too, it might give the school more to think about than you 'just' wanting to move ds. You might have more luck if you can sell it to the school, so to speak.

Reasonable to ask to be moved, and stress the history between them.

Not reasonable to ask for your preferred class. Honestly having "friends" from preschool isn't important.

I totally understand why you would, but be aware most reception classes "free flow" anyway so chances are he won't be with him that much and if in a different class would still have access to each other.

If you had no interaction with the staff, then I think you have every right to contact the head tomorrow. They will be horrified that your child got bitten on a transition morning, and also that you weren't informed in any way.

That makes it a lot easier for you to bring up the fact that they've been put in the same class, to be honest.

I wouldn’t ask for Pear class, I know that wouldn’t be reasonable. I’m just worried about DS being in Oak class without any friends or in Hawthirn getting bitten all the time. I do know he’ll make new friends, I’m just worried because I’m his mum and don’t want him to be sad. He’s my pfb and I want to be sure I’m doing my best for him.

@saraclara, that’s, that’s useful and reassuring. I did try to call when I picked up DS tonight but the office staff must have left - I’m glad now because I was furious and probably wouldn’t have expressed myself as well as I will now I’ve had time to calm down, think things through and ask MN for advice!

You must take your child back tomorrow and show the bites and photos and ask what was done abut it. Then explain how many times he was bitten in Nursery. It should be on the child's records.

I was hoping taking the photos in would be enough - luckily I’m working from home tomorrow but DS would normally be at preschool all day. Feeling like a bad parent because I wasn’t there to pick him up but my interviewees were coming from all over England, and one from the US, so I couldn’t reschedule.

I think this is the ideal time to ask to move, before September. The school could do it if they want to. I think the argument that he sees your son as someone he is used to biting and it would be better to separate them. AFter all. Your son was immediately bitten the first time they met up again wasn't he? Put it in writing with the pictures, a contact from the nursery where he was asked to leave, in a copy to the governors after the meeting, to make sure it goes on the record. If he's not moved and still biting in September that will be one way of backing up what you've said.
As to him growing out of biting, my son had a biter who then turned into a bully and took it out on my son when he got told off for bad behaviour. You have to insist the school sorts it out, safeguards your child and promises to keep the biter under close supervision. Sorry for your boy, hope he's feeling better. What a horrible start to school.

I don't know whether they would move your DS OP, because it would be impossible to move all the children that Luke is biting, but I would definitely ask and when/if refused would be demanding to know how they intend to ensure the safety of my DC then. The last thing you want is your DS being afraid to go to school, and you being worried about him while he's there after all. Good luck to you both come September OP.

You can only speak to the head, but I imagine Luke would not get away with biting like he would in nursery.

Was anything mentioned about today's punishment

I don’t think I would feel overly worried Like managed to bite in the first 3 hours. The teachers and TAs haven’t had a chance to get to know any of the children yet or put in place strategies to manage behaviour or children with additional needs. The first few days and weeks of getting a brand new school are always chaotic and these things can happen.

It’s very unfortunate Luke but your son, but the staff will now be aware that he is a biter and will hopefully already be looking at strategies they can put in place to support Luke and reduce the risk of this happening again.

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to raise your concern with the teacher, but I don’t think you need to start panicking or insuring your son moves class. The school have a duty of care to all children and if Luke bites other children moving your son won’t solve the problem as it will just be somebody else’s child being hurt. The way for them to deal with this is look at what triggers Luke’s behaviours and ensure that he is adequately supervised whilst also being taught strategies to mange his frustrations in a more constructive way or to receive that oral input elsewhere. The fact Luke bit your son means he probably had a tough day and the school will now be aware of this behaviour and be putting everything they can in place to help this little boy.

Teacher and parent here, I would 100% ask that your child be swapped classes, you have clear justification as it has happened multiple times in the past and again recently

I'd go in and ask about safeguarding.

Explain the backstory. Say they need to keep your DS and the other children safe. Say if they stay in the same class you will be asking in the first week back what strategies they have in place to keep your DS safe.

It doesn't sound to me from your OP that your DS is being specifically targeted.

There’s no harm in asking, I’d rather be ‘that’ parent than have a child scared to go to school in case he gets chomped on.

As a teacher and parent, I would request the move.

There is a difference between 'I don't want my child with Luke because I hear from other parents that he bites' and 'I don't want my child with Luke because there is a significant history of Luke targeting my son to bite him, and even within the few hours of transition he has targeted mby son to bite him again.'

You should emphasise the specific history with your child - anything that you know about Luke's subsequent history etc is irrelevant. The point you need to make is that your son has been a target and has immediately been one again - so is at more risk than the other children in Luke's class, thus should be moved.

Unless there are 7 other children bitten similarly within the 3 hours of transition, i would say that you have a pretty strong argument.

Explain the history and ask to move class. Dont bring up pear class because they will think you’re trying it on to get him in with his mates.
You don’t need to be shouty about it just say he’s bitten your son numerous times in nursery and again within the 3 hours, show them the pictures. Just say you want him to be moved classes and be firm. I’d do it before he starts or they probably won’t move him. It might be a good idea to follow it up with an email including pictures so there’s a paper trail. Our school refuses to move kids mid year.