To feel resentful over this holiday?

[MacInTheBox]

I'll try to be brief.

My family is very close. We see each other often and have get togethers for family birthdays, etc. They are also very big on holidaying abroad anywhere between 2 and 5 times per year.

In recent years, my Mum and Dad have become very wealthy. This is down to my Dad's career taking off and he now has a very senior position with bonuses, etc.

Anyway, my mum decided in January that we should all go on a big family holiday. This would include me, DH and DD, my sister's family, our aunt and uncle and grandparents.

I am recently self employed and I explained to her that we couldn't afford it. There was no 'prewarning' of this holiday - just one day we were told they were booking it and did we want to come? She was very disappointed to hear this. I explained that we had been given no time to save and weren't planning on going on holiday outside of the UK this year. She did not want to accept this and insisted we come she would pay for us.

At this point, I declined her offer. I (firmly) said no because it didn't feel right and I only wanted to go if we could pay our way. She kept on and on, insisting this may be the last holiday we get with my GPs, how great it will be for DD, etc. She insisted on it and so booked the flights and hotel for me, DP and DD. She wouldn't take no for an answer.

Fast forward to now and money is tighter than ever. Cash flow has been difficult over the past month and I'm only just managing to make ends meet. We booked a 3 day UK trip for this month before Christmas and I told my mum that we'd have to do it on a shoe string because things are so tight. She then went on to lecture me about how we can't be paying for frivolous things such as trips away when we are in this situation, etc, etc.

But it seems now she is delighting in asking me for money for things to do with the holiday. I feel sick to my stomach because we are so broke. She called me today to tell me they have all booked the fancy airport lounge for when we are going, and the cost of the taxi that will take us to the airport.

I have been saving, but it has been sporadic as I need to prioritise bills, food, etc. We've also had to buy new clothes for DD, although we have mainly got things from charity shops, second hand, etc.

I just feel so resentful of this whole thing. I feel pushed into the holiday. I feel judged for being so skint and I feel forced into spending money I never wanted to spend in the first place. All of this money could be saved/put to better use elsewhere but at this point there's no option. I feel like me and DP will be killjoys on this holiday because we won't be able to throw money around like everyone else. Or, if we dare to spend anything that we will be looked at like we are scroungers who got a free holiday.

I feel awful and anxious about the whole thing. I'm killing myself to make sure we have enough money to cover everything and will be taking my laptop and working for the 2 weeks we are away as I really can't afford not to.

IABU to feel this way? I know I should have been stronger and really, categorically said NO to going but she made me feel so bad about it then went and booked it all - how could I have ever told her we weren't going. What a bloody mess.

Is your dad more approachable than your mum? Mine always was! i would sit down with both of them otherwise and have a frank conversation with them about your finances and your family..Tell them how worried you are about your holiday and say ideally you would like to back out.You are very grateful for the offer but realistically you are struggling and you have to prioritize. Got to be worth a shot OP you have nothing to loose....

Lay down the facts in an email, minus feeling resentful. Saybthat you are feeling so stressed you are considering not coming at all. Honestly, some people get so out of touch with reality that they cannot see that even an extra 20/50/100 quid is impossible.

A relative of mine arranged a family holiday for a big group of us and then proposed that on 3 nights we had in-house catering at £75 a head per dinner. I put him straight and he actually thanked me for the reality check and paid himself.

Hopefully your parents will want you there and do anything you need to make this a great trip without making you feel like the poor relations.

That sounds rough. Something like the airport lounge does not need to involve all of you- definitely say no to that.

It's just so late in the day. The holiday is in 2 weeks and I don't think there's any chance of getting their money back for flights/hotel.

I feel incredibly guilty because we've just been trying to budget and save where we can since it was booked and get clothes and stuff second hand, but this month has been a killer -- not to mention I was really ill for 2 weeks in June and could barely work.

I could speak to my dad but would feel awful begging off this close with no chance of getting them the money back they have paid for us.

@MatildaTheCat

Thanks for the advice. I have already made it clear that we won't be able to do trips/excursions but we are happy to sit around the pool and even babysit the other kids if adults want to go and have a child-free day.

I feel my mums response regarding our UK trip has now made it even more difficult to discuss money. The accommodation was booked and paid for before Christmas last year and we literally spent the whole time at the beach eating packed lunches to keep costs down. But when DH mentioned he'd bought [redacted] a little present it was met with a disapproving look.

I have learned a lot about money in the short time I have been self employed. It is very much feast or famine at the moment, and while I try and put money aside when I have a good month this is then eaten by tax, or just meeting our general expenses like nursery fees, rent, etc. I feel like my finances are under scrutiny when we would normally dealing with this quietly and muddling through!

This post was edited at OP's request

YANBU to feel this way. I'd be telling her "Sorry DM, I told you clearly at the beginning we could not afford to go abroad. Things are even tighter now than they were then. Please stop asking me for money that I don't have, and don't book things I have not agreed to".

The airport lounge is non-essential and you didn't agree to it up front, so refuse to pay towards that and say you don't want to be in the lounge. Is there another, cheaper way you can get to the airport rather than go in a taxi?

@TixieLix and @Namechangeforthiscancershit

I have told her today that it is a definite no for the lounge. We will be taking our own food and snacks for the airport and plane, and they can go and enjoy themselves! To be honest the flight is so early I just don't see the point in it.

As for getting to the airport, I think taxi is the only way. I'd imagine parking for 2 weeks will be much more expensive than the cost of the taxi with all of us in, so I will have to absorb that one but I don't mind too much as we have to get there somehow!

Does your husband work? Your posts sound like it's you doing all the saving, you doing all the financial worrying. Where does he come into it?

I wonder how the rest of the family feel knowing you got your holiday for free and they had to pay. They will know and if they are anything like my family they will be resentful.
To now approach your parents and say your can’t afford this and that will come across as you asking them to pay for more things.
You should have been firmer with a No at the beginning. You weren’t.
I know I’m not being very sympathetic but it feels like your own making. Given you also had a Sharon break they probably will think you are being a CF.
I’d suggest you suck it up, pay for what you can and say a firm no to what you can’t. Next time say no and mean it.

Short break
Not sure who Sharon is

I think you need to do your best damage limitation for this holiday and say a hard no to any more whole family holidays. Not much else you can do now sadly.

If your DM is going to make po faced judgements about how you spend your money you'll have to keep money talk around her to a minimum from now on. Don't borrow anything from her and don't moan about lack of money in front of her.

You're an adult. It's not her business. I've had to do the same.

It's always worth checking the price of parking at the airport, especially if a main one like Gatwick/ Heathrow. (I would only use the official onsite ones though, not the Meet and Greet companies.) It cost us little more than a one-way taxi and meant our car seats could remain in car, etc.

I would check with the parking.
I appreciate we’ve different circumstances (family of 5 so bigger vehicle needed with luggage) but for us it was cheaper to do 22 days business parking than a taxi there and back.
I’ve never had a problem with Purple Parking if that’s a company on offer.
Finally, I have done train/coach to Heathrow and it was simple enough.

OP reading you r replies makes me feel like you are under so much pressure you are going to make yourself ill...this needs sorting today.Make a decision whether you are going or not and stick to it ..ring your parents or go see them ..get how you feel out in the open and tell them exactly what you told us..Surely they would not want their daughter to feel this way at all...If you do this you will feel so much better getting off your chest rather than worrying yourself sick...confront the problem with them and then you can hopefully put matters to bed....You can do this...no one could possibly be disappointed in a daughter trying so hard to make something of themselves...no reasonable parent anyway....

I don’t understand how the mother booked a holiday, without having the passport details for each of you ?

Sympathy, OP. I have been away on holiday with people who have different budgets and it can be really awkward.

If I were you, I would try to have a chat with your mum/dad/both before you go. Don't say you wish you hadn't agreed to come. Say that you are really looking forward to it (even if this isn't true!) and you are so grateful for their generosity, but that you are a bit anxious about spending money while you're there. Say that the airport lounge thing has made you realise that your expectations may be quite different from theirs. Remind them that you'll be on a really tight budget and ask them to be sensitive to this.

Try to avoid the subject of the 3-day break. If they bring it up, keep saying "it was boo several months ago, things are tighter for us now".

Try to relax and have a lovely holiday!

I'm so glad my parents and in-laws are reasonable people and we all had similar budgets. I'd be sending an email to the whole group saying we aren't going and why, and ignoring everyone for two weeks. It sounds like you are under so much pressure that this holiday is only going to increase it. Are they always lacking in compassion?

Can you get to the airport by train or National Express coach?

Did you ever say yes to the holiday or did they just go ahead and book then guilt you into going?

Would you be happier if you didn’t go?

Definitely check airport parking - it's always been way cheaper than a taxi whenever we've gone away.

I think you just have to stick to your guns and lay out very clearly at the start of the holiday that you won't be doing meals out etc. I think it was really nice of you to offer to babysit the other kids - I'd be totally happy to take you up on that if I were them!

I don’t understand how the mother booked a holiday, without having the passport details for each of you ?

I haven’t needed passport details to book a flight in well over a decade.

OP I had similar with my DM. I borrowed money as was in difficult no money til payday type situation. I then had the nerve to come home with some (needed) new clothes the week after, she interrogated me and told me how dreadful I was and she would never have lent me money if she knew I would spend it on crap

Your DM needs to have some boundaries around the money and the holiday. You have been trying your best to set those boundaries out but she is trampling them. I sympathise.

No advice really just to send solidarity.

How old are you OP?

You sound frightened of your mum.

I think the idea of having a word with your Dad is a good one, just explain what you have said here, that you are very worried about the expenses on h9iday, you did tell your Mum at the ti e she wanted to book the holiday but you felt pushed into it.

It’s too late for this trip, but you really need to grow a backbone. And no one needs new clothes for a holiday.

The thing that worries me the most is you saying she's delighting in asking you for money to do with the holiday. It sounds like she has no idea how unwell this situation is making you feel.

For the holiday itself, could you take a cash amount - your budget for the time there, and stick to that? When it's out in front of you it may be easier.

I think you just need to stick to your guns and remain as calm as possible, be like a broken record - for example if trips are brought up, calmly state that you made it really clear you simply don't have the money for them at the moment.

I hope the holiday goes OK. I'd try to have some days away from them doing your own thing which might take the pressure off. Like buy some bits from a supermarket and spend the day on the beach?

This is very similar to our situation. The rest of the family can afford a lot of holidays and just don't understand why we don't want to spend £1500 on a holiday with the rest of them. We can't afford a holiday for just us and the DC to chill out so frankly, a city break to celebrate a family event is almost impossible. It's really challenging.

I don't have any advice however except to stick to your guns. Reiterate that you have always been honest about your financial situation. I'm also assuming as your'e self employed that while you're on this holiday you won't be making any money? So of course, there's the additional financial burden for you (as a self employed person myself, that's something I find very hard - I look back longingly on the days when I could go on a nice holiday and get back to the exact same amount in my pay cheque as every other month).