To feel resentful over this holiday?

[MacInTheBox]

I'll try to be brief.

My family is very close. We see each other often and have get togethers for family birthdays, etc. They are also very big on holidaying abroad anywhere between 2 and 5 times per year.

In recent years, my Mum and Dad have become very wealthy. This is down to my Dad's career taking off and he now has a very senior position with bonuses, etc.

Anyway, my mum decided in January that we should all go on a big family holiday. This would include me, DH and DD, my sister's family, our aunt and uncle and grandparents.

I am recently self employed and I explained to her that we couldn't afford it. There was no 'prewarning' of this holiday - just one day we were told they were booking it and did we want to come? She was very disappointed to hear this. I explained that we had been given no time to save and weren't planning on going on holiday outside of the UK this year. She did not want to accept this and insisted we come she would pay for us.

At this point, I declined her offer. I (firmly) said no because it didn't feel right and I only wanted to go if we could pay our way. She kept on and on, insisting this may be the last holiday we get with my GPs, how great it will be for DD, etc. She insisted on it and so booked the flights and hotel for me, DP and DD. She wouldn't take no for an answer.

Fast forward to now and money is tighter than ever. Cash flow has been difficult over the past month and I'm only just managing to make ends meet. We booked a 3 day UK trip for this month before Christmas and I told my mum that we'd have to do it on a shoe string because things are so tight. She then went on to lecture me about how we can't be paying for frivolous things such as trips away when we are in this situation, etc, etc.

But it seems now she is delighting in asking me for money for things to do with the holiday. I feel sick to my stomach because we are so broke. She called me today to tell me they have all booked the fancy airport lounge for when we are going, and the cost of the taxi that will take us to the airport.

I have been saving, but it has been sporadic as I need to prioritise bills, food, etc. We've also had to buy new clothes for DD, although we have mainly got things from charity shops, second hand, etc.

I just feel so resentful of this whole thing. I feel pushed into the holiday. I feel judged for being so skint and I feel forced into spending money I never wanted to spend in the first place. All of this money could be saved/put to better use elsewhere but at this point there's no option. I feel like me and DP will be killjoys on this holiday because we won't be able to throw money around like everyone else. Or, if we dare to spend anything that we will be looked at like we are scroungers who got a free holiday.

I feel awful and anxious about the whole thing. I'm killing myself to make sure we have enough money to cover everything and will be taking my laptop and working for the 2 weeks we are away as I really can't afford not to.

IABU to feel this way? I know I should have been stronger and really, categorically said NO to going but she made me feel so bad about it then went and booked it all - how could I have ever told her we weren't going. What a bloody mess.

Hi OP - it all sounds very stressful and I hope you get things sorted with your Mum. Re taking your laptop - the last thing you will need is something (anything!) going wrong there, so check insurance for loss or damage is all in place and the work you do is all backed up. Then remember to take time to enjoy yourself - so it's not all work and no play. All the best.

I honestly think you need to be very clear on what your real budget is.
"Being broke" means different things to different people.

I am completely guilty, I use the "I can't afford this" excuse when I can't be bothered to do something. I would never push my sisters to spend money they haven't got, but if your family doesn't really understand your situation, they need to be told clearly.

I do feel that your mother has pushed you into doing something she wanted that you didn't really want to do and that you are expected to feel guilty about the generosity. No real advice other than speak up for yourself. This holiday means that your finances or lack of are now opened up to family scruitiny and comment. I think you need to be really brutal about anyone commenting on it. You should only have to say I don't want to do that I can't afford it once. Good luck x

I wouldn’t give a stuff if my siblings were resentful towards me about this.
Please go, enjoy your holiday, know that it’s a well earned break for you AND for your DD and DP.... don’t be down about it, be excited as it sounds like sadly, it might be the only foreign holiday your DD will have for a long time to come.
They are your parents, and if they want to pay for stuff, let them. Put your pride aside, you’re family. You’d do the same for your DD in the future.

I am going to do my absolute best to enjoy myself and not get too caught up in fretting about money.

Me and DP have just spoken about this and agreed that we will set a budget and stick to it no matter what. We've also agreed to be open about it, as a PP suggested.

I am quite proud when it comes to money. And I feel I'm even more so now self employed, as it is solely down to me to make sure everything comes together each month. But I love what I do and wouldn't change it for the world.

Mum knows we're struggling. I spoke to her about it a couple of weeks ago - hence the lecture I got about where we should be cutting back. But she has no idea just how much we have cut back recently due to illness and unforeseen costs. It all feels pretty relentless at the moment, but we will get there!

Why on earth did she book you into the lounge when you're short of money, as it's a total rip off. Did she ask you before she did it ? Is it possible for her to cancel the airport lounge for you I mean it's literally £20-25 per person and just not worth it, and if she booked it without asking I'd be saying no to that one.

Like a PP said, buying myself a bikini before we go I feel will be met with raised eyebrows so am making do with my gym costume!

Don’t tell them you are buying a bikini then. How would they know?

But it seems now she is delighting in asking me for money for things to do with the holiday.

She doesn’t actually sound like she’s being very nice. She sounds like she’s enjoying making you squirm?!

My parents would never ever put me in this situation -what is the family dynamic like here. Does she really not know how broke you are? I’d show her a bank statement!

@rookiemere

I have no idea! We spoke about it but I was relived when most of the group said they think it wouldn't be worth the money due to the flight being so early. I thought that was that. Then she told me she'd spoken to everyone again and they had agreed to go so she'd booked for everyone and it would be £50 thankyouverymuch.

So tell her that you'd said not to bother and you simply don't have £50 to spend on it and boom you've got enough to buy 2-3 bikinis. She simply shouldn't spend other people's money like this and you need to call her out on it.

@fedup21

I won't be mentioning anything of the sort in future.

Family dynamic is complex. She knows that we have struggled a lot this month. I've been selling off a load of old clothes and stuff for an extra bit here and there and she knows all about that.

@rookiemere

I have already told her to cancel it. It's a waste of money IMO. I certainly won't be drinking at 5am in the morning, and that's the only reason she wants to go.

Doesn't sound like there is any way to avoid going now, so try your best to enjoy it. If they want to eat out etc, you can say you can't afford that so will buy stuff at the supermarket for yourselves. If they still insist you come out/excursions etc you accept them paying for it.

I guess I have been blessed because my own family would pay for my stay with them including the meals etc and wouldn't resent it, knowing we couldn't afford it otherwise. You will make yourself sick worrying though. So tey to be positive, think of the fun memories your kid will make with their grest grandparents, grandparents and cousins. If it really might he the last chance with your own grandparents, please don't miss out. You might regret that forever. I didn't come back to the uk the year before my grandparents died and it is my biggest regret.

she told me she wouldn't take no for an answer, that we should let them help us

but of course we have to pay our way and I can't expect her to fund everything

You do see how illogical you're being in your desperation to please everyone else? How does this even compute? How did you get from hearing the first statement to making the second one?! Why are you so intent on clubbing yourself round the head?

You didn't want the trip. You couldn't afford the trip. You said no to the trip. Your mother insisted on the trip. Your mother insisted she would pay. Your mother insisted you let her help you. You mother refused to take no for an answer.

And now you're paying for stuff you can't afford? And tormenting yourself for your imagined wrongs against others?

Sorry, but that's madness.

She wanted you to come, she knew you couldn't afford it and booked it on the basis she was helping you. Therefore these extra costs are her lookout. Not yours. Why are you taking them on? Say no!

She knew you couldn't afford it. She CHOSE to pay for flights etc. If she CHOOSES not to cover all the costs that would enable you to attend the trip you said no to, the consequences of that decision are her responsibility. Not yours.

I am someone who doesn't like to let others down and worries about appearing ungrateful etc etc and even I cannot fathom what you are doing to yourself here!

Stand up for yourself. Being assertive is not the same as being aggressive, but it would require you to place some kind of value on your own needs (ie the need to not impoverish yourself). Clearly you don't.

You practically sound like you'd cut your own foot off if you were worried people would be upset if you didn't. (Even if they hadn't said so!)

@shadowblue

You've hit the nail on the head there. I'm a people pleaser, and I'm falling hand over fist to make sure I don't upset anyone. I often struggle with this.

Don't really know what to say other than that.

I wish I could be stronger. My family mean the world to me and I don't really have much in the way of anyone else. It's kind of pathetic, really.

I agree with everything you've written here. I have resolved to try and be more assertive in future.

Your mum sounds awful, i would definitely consider either talking to dad or having a very blunt conversation with both of them about your financial situation and expectations on holiday. I am gathering its not all inclusive?

Can you explain where DPs wage goes if your paying nursery and rent though??

@combatbarbie

We split the nursery fees 50/50. I pay rent, DP pays council tax, household bills, etc. We also both have debts that predate each other. Mine from an abusive relationship, his an assortment of things.

He will pick up the slack when I can't quite manage my share. I just feel the weight of responsibility to bring home the bacon because I made the decision to become self employed. So I have to make it work.

Also, not all inclusive. I would be feeling a million miles better about this whole thing if it was!

Buy a cheap bikini.
Speak to your DM and DF and tell them your daily budget, tell them you wanted to let them know as you're going to have to pass on big group meals, or pick somewherefixed price buffets are your friend although possibly not for your tastebuds or waistlinethat fits within budget.

I sort of understand why she’d be confused that you are claiming to be completely broke but can book trips away in the U.K. I understand that’s not necessarily how it is but I suspect it’s what it looks like to her.

You’ve got a holiday. Go and enjoy it with good grace. Say you’re not going to the lounge but will see them on the plane. No explanations necessary. Get to airport by public transport or drive. I don’t know where you live but plenty of cheaper options if you’re flying from London.

Trips on the holiday, simply say with a smile that it’s outside your budget but you’d love to hear about it later.

I can't promise it will magically fix everything for you, but you may find this 'course' on assertiveness helpful: www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

It's broken down into little modules that you can dip in and out of according to your priorities or what you feel able to take on. It's written in quite an accessible style, so it's not heavy going. First time around you can just read through it before attempting anything suggested in it once you have absorbed it.

Even if you just read through the intro to help you start to make sense of how you're currently relating to people and them to you, why you feel driven to interact that way, and the impact it has, that could be enough for now.

I would like to apologise to you though; I think I pitched my previous post badly. I didn't want you to receive it as somebody else kicking you - I was incredulous at your mother's behaviour and the position she's putting you in when it is so obviously detrimental to you. If you were my friend I would be really concerned for you and that you were struggling to deal with it.

I hope you won't take away from this the idea that you're "pathetic" but the concern instead. People who have not met you can see your needs and place importance on them - you can too.

It's understandable to struggle with this, especially with a previous experience of an abusive relationship - that would have conditioned you to strive to put others' needs so far above yours that you forget to even consider your own. It's not something you undo overnight.

But you can change it.

@shadowblue

No need to apologise. I have felt at the mercy of my family for a good while. Rocking the boat often feels too much of an ordeal and I am not assertive at the best of times.

I will check out that course! In most things I am very much able to speak my mind and give my opinion, but I seem to hit a bit of a roadblock in this area.

I intend to enjoy myself and be very honest re: money. We have a good plan and will get by. It's a lesson learned though and DP and I have vowed this will be the last! Not because we won't enjoy everyone's company, but to avoid situations like this.

I can see why my mum might think we splashed the cash on our UK holiday. We didn't but that's the way it is.

I have been thinking about this today OP and all I can think about is how dismal it will look to the rest of the crowd if you are sticking to a budget and they are not...they are going to feel guilty about you being left out and you are going to feel awful about holding them back and spoiling their holiday....I think its going to be awful ..I still think you should cancel...

Nice post Shadow Blue. OP I was going to say, what your mum is doing, is publically (and generously) giving you a holiday she wants you to go on with one hand and less publically, less generously asking you to pay for extravagent items she herself fancies such as the airport lounge, with the other.
The thing about people pleasing is that it becomes much harder (as it should!) to maintain that when you become an independent adult with children of your own - they help crystallise your priorities wonderfully . We often people please to avoid "upsetting" someone, and often they imply they will be upset if you don't do exactly as they want. But what about you?
It is very freeing when you reach a point where you are sure of your priorities (as you clearly are now) and you can effectively say to yourself " I'm chosing to do what I must and I'm sorry if this upsets you, but the fact that you can't understand or acknowledge that and chose to be upset about it instead is really your problem." In fact. It is OK if they are upset that you are not "obeying" them anymore. They are the ones who have to deal with their own upset. Be strong and have a great holiday x

OP, what is a "gym costume"? (Canadian, here.) If it is not something you swim in, buy yourself a bikini, or bathing suit of some sort. You will enjoy yourself more if you are sitting around a pool you can actually make use of.

@Andylion

I meant the swimming costume I use at the gym. It's not entirely glamorous and will do the job!

Regarding the people pleasing: Thank you so much for all the solid advice. I do need to stick to my guns more and will from now on.

I think cancelling will just make the situation much more difficult. I'd hope the other members of my family will understand that we aren't being mean, just living to our means. We certainly won't be sour faced about it and although I have been feeling resentful it's not something I would inflict on the group as a whole.