To feel resentful over this holiday?

[MacInTheBox]

I'll try to be brief.

My family is very close. We see each other often and have get togethers for family birthdays, etc. They are also very big on holidaying abroad anywhere between 2 and 5 times per year.

In recent years, my Mum and Dad have become very wealthy. This is down to my Dad's career taking off and he now has a very senior position with bonuses, etc.

Anyway, my mum decided in January that we should all go on a big family holiday. This would include me, DH and DD, my sister's family, our aunt and uncle and grandparents.

I am recently self employed and I explained to her that we couldn't afford it. There was no 'prewarning' of this holiday - just one day we were told they were booking it and did we want to come? She was very disappointed to hear this. I explained that we had been given no time to save and weren't planning on going on holiday outside of the UK this year. She did not want to accept this and insisted we come she would pay for us.

At this point, I declined her offer. I (firmly) said no because it didn't feel right and I only wanted to go if we could pay our way. She kept on and on, insisting this may be the last holiday we get with my GPs, how great it will be for DD, etc. She insisted on it and so booked the flights and hotel for me, DP and DD. She wouldn't take no for an answer.

Fast forward to now and money is tighter than ever. Cash flow has been difficult over the past month and I'm only just managing to make ends meet. We booked a 3 day UK trip for this month before Christmas and I told my mum that we'd have to do it on a shoe string because things are so tight. She then went on to lecture me about how we can't be paying for frivolous things such as trips away when we are in this situation, etc, etc.

But it seems now she is delighting in asking me for money for things to do with the holiday. I feel sick to my stomach because we are so broke. She called me today to tell me they have all booked the fancy airport lounge for when we are going, and the cost of the taxi that will take us to the airport.

I have been saving, but it has been sporadic as I need to prioritise bills, food, etc. We've also had to buy new clothes for DD, although we have mainly got things from charity shops, second hand, etc.

I just feel so resentful of this whole thing. I feel pushed into the holiday. I feel judged for being so skint and I feel forced into spending money I never wanted to spend in the first place. All of this money could be saved/put to better use elsewhere but at this point there's no option. I feel like me and DP will be killjoys on this holiday because we won't be able to throw money around like everyone else. Or, if we dare to spend anything that we will be looked at like we are scroungers who got a free holiday.

I feel awful and anxious about the whole thing. I'm killing myself to make sure we have enough money to cover everything and will be taking my laptop and working for the 2 weeks we are away as I really can't afford not to.

IABU to feel this way? I know I should have been stronger and really, categorically said NO to going but she made me feel so bad about it then went and booked it all - how could I have ever told her we weren't going. What a bloody mess.

FFS, who the fuck comes into wealth and expects their own family to book an expensive holiday with all the bells and whistles? Honestly, that's selfish as AF. Just tell her, No, can't do any of that, cannot afford it. As for the siblings being resentful that the OP got the holiday for free, some siblings, eh, begrudging the one who cannot afford it? I'd actually back out of it all. And the lesson you need to learn here is that you should have told her NO to all her insisting, you need to learn to stand up to her and say NO, I cannot afford any of this.

You need to stop faffing around and tell her in simple words that you cannot afford it. Don’t take any arguments or guilt tripping from her. Just be blunt and say I am sorry if this upsets you but I told u at the beginning we couldn’t afford it and you didn’t listen. You will feel bad at the time but much more relieved afterwards.

I appreciate I should have been firmer with my no. The only way I could have made her listen was if I said even if she booked for us we still wouldn't come, but that felt mean and ungrateful. But yes, firmer in future.

At the time these conversations were happening she told me she wouldn't take no for an answer, that we should let them help us, last big family holiday, etc. And then she booked for us. In regards to passports, she's only just asked for them to check us in so obviously didn't need more than our names at the time of booking?

I have vowed to DP that I won't be talking about money with parents again. This has all been one big lesson learned!

As for getting to the airport by other means. I've checked parking and its more than £150 for 2 weeks at the airport we are flying from. We are flying early in the morning so would have to leave in the small hours - so I'm not sure trains or coaches would be running. Hotel overnight in location of airport would be more money too. We have been told £30 for the taxi. Will explore Purple Parking, thanks for the suggestion.

Of course, I want to go. I just wish it was on our terms (i.e. we had the money to pay our own way). I'm sure the rest of the family do not feel resentful, but if that is the case I really am not sure what I am meant to do.

I am incredibly grateful for her support and generosity but it seems that it started off as a kind gesture and morphed into something else entirely. I will find the money, by hook or crook and will not be accepting any offers of money from them.

I can’t believe OP is being blamed for this. People really will find any excuse to find the parents blameless.

Honestly, we British are so silly and wishy washy about money it's stupid and ridiculous. I'm having a much needed night out with a mate this Saturday. She's very well off, no kids, extremely wealthy family. Great! I'm very happy for her, she's a nice person. She suggested this get together. I agreed and then just messaged her, 'But I have only about £100 so can we do something in that price range?' Easy peasy, just tell the truth! She's German and was like, 'Sure, how about X?' Simple. No resentment or begruding or getting into debt over something silly. It's Stella lagers and binge watching Netflix at her place rather than silly money on a meal and drinks out.

The mother is very selfish here, Sag, I agree.

Short break
Not sure who Sharon is

She is some ghostly spirit who haunts Mumsnet and randomly appears in lots of threads!

OP, I would pull out tbh. It all sounds so stressful you just won't enjoy it.

FFS, just get an Uber to the airport, do not 'just find the money' when you don't have it just to indulge her.

Tbh I think it depends on the type of relationship you have with your family.

If it was my parents and they had proposed to pay for the hols, they wouldn’t expect me to pay for unnecessary items such as the airport lounge. We wouod have had a chat on what we could do/pay or not etc... and the hols (as well as who is paying what).
They would have been upset if I had refused for them to pay for a hols if they idea was to spend one last trip together with grand parents etc...

So I totally get why your parents have been pushing so much.

I also totally get why you are saying that you can’t afford x and y. Money is tight but I suspect that your mum hasn’t realised how tight things are.
You need a conversation with her (or an email) highlight8ng what you’ve said to us. Just give the facts - you have x amount to play with and that’s it- and not the being resentful etc..

Tbh, this is a conversation you should have had right at the start and you should have stand your ground re budget associated with coming. Because I suspect that, atm, your mum thinks she had done you a great favour by paying for the hols for your whole family and you are just being grabby by asking for more or refusing to pay for the extra (not that you are!)

If they are that wealthy and so keen on a big family holiday they should have paid for everyone. We had a get-together for my 50th last year (not on this scale), we paid for everything. We figured it was our decision to celebrate and that shouldn't cost other people money. I really feel for you and worry that the extra anxiety will be bad for your health.

Thank you for all the responses. Even the frank ones - it is helpful.

Scared of my mum isn't the right way to say it. But I guess I'm scared of hurting her feelings, definitely. But that's a whole other thread, I feel.

I will be taking my laptop and working while I am there in the evenings when DD is in bed to ensure we aren't totally on our arse by the end of it. DP also gets paid while we are away so that will give us a bit of a boost - but still have to remain on a strict budget.

I think a lot of our time will be spent round the pool on the beach and cheap eats where possible. I do feel under an immense amount of pressure. Under scrutiny, too. Like a PP said, buying myself a bikini before we go I feel will be met with raised eyebrows so am making do with my gym costume!

If parents want to insist on a big family holiday, seems obvious that they are "treating" you - especially when they are wealthier to begin with!I'm sorry that this is not the case for your family OP.

@groundanchochillipowder

An uber with 3 of us will cost much more than a minibus with 10+ people.

You have to woman up and just tell her you are feeling bullied. As for things like airport lounge - if she went ahead and booked such a frivolous thing she should have paid for it!
As for the rest of your family, if it was my extended family going on a group trip (nightmare) I wouldn’t at all mind if someone needed subsidising! But it would have been organised as a group to make sure everyone was comfortable with the level of spending.
Frankly if my parents were that well off as you imply yours are they would have treated everyone to the trip and only expected people to pay for food/drinks/individual expenses.

Btw an answer along the lines of ‘yes that’s great. Thanks you so much for inviting us. Just to let you know, our budget for all the extra is £xx’.
That’s it. No need to discuss money and budget with them. Just to let them know what you can and can’t do. (And if they want to lay for you to do x and y during the trip, this is also their prerogative. I wouod be grateful for it tbh).
Imo you should have planned for the parking/hotel a long time ago...

I respect your pride and desire to be independent but we are talking about close family here. It may be the last time that you can all go away and your mum is happy to pay, so why can't you just relax and enjoy it? Your parents have worked hard to make their money and they want to spend it on spoiling their family. What's wrong with that? I love treating my family and I would be mortified if they felt that I expected them to 'pay their way'. The same with friends. Whoever can most afford it should be happy to pay and the recipient should be happy to accept. No obligation, no big deal, no problem.

The holiday will be fine, the lounges aren't that special and you still have to line up with everyone else.

Enjoy the sun and the pool I'm sure you will have a lovely holiday.

@Rock4please

I absolutely am very grateful. We would not have been able to go on this type of holiday without them. However, I am finding the "We need X amount for airport lounge and X amount for minibus" difficult to deal with. She knows we aren't doing too great at the moment and are on a shoestring, but of course we have to pay our way and I can't expect her to fund everything.

@ComeAndDance

We did plan. Then I got ill in June and barely made enough to cover our rent. And then that money was gone.

Poor you, this sounds so stressful. I think all you can do now is be firm about extra costs when you are out there.

I think you may benefit from a of space from
your family? How you spend your money is your business. They shouldn’t know what bikinis you have and therefore shouldn’t know whether the one you wear is new or not! If they are causing you this much stress you need space from them!

Simple lose your passports 😂

how the rest of the family feel knowing you got your holiday for free and they had to pay. They will know and if they are anything like my family they will be resentful.

I agree
but it's too late now.

To avoid any further awkwardness, I would make it very clear to my entire family what my daily budget is. It might be embarrassing, but putting a whatsapp or email with:
"Our budget is £4 (?) per pers per day or £5 for all of us for the day"
and we plan on supermarket food + no trip but so looking forward to stay around pool/beach"

might feel awkward but at least it's clear.

No one should go into debt over a holiday - nothing more depressing than going home and having to pay for the damn thing.

People might feel embarrassed about booking a restaurant without you, but it's your family, if they can't understand money issue that's not a valid reason to go into debts.

@Sosayi

Good shout!

I'm the baby of my family. If I ever mention something I want, need or like the look of, it ends up being bought for me with a refusal to take it back to the store.... I now stay silent. I love my Parents but don't need them to buy me things.

Recently I have been talking about going abroad next year, my Mum etc have never been abroad so talks are turning to her coming too. Now, knowing what I know about my Mum, and UK trips in the past, if I let her book it, my family will end up paid for by her too, so I know that when we do decide to go, I will be booking, then and only then will I be saying to her where we have booked & paid for.

While, I know this isn't your situation, my example shows that sometimes its not as easy as saying no to them. I do believe that you made it clear you couldn't afford this, but I also see that Mum's will do what they do and that's that.

Please don't get yourself over-stressed, I've been there when my Mum has booked UK trips for us all in the past. As others above have said, work out your daily budget is and set yourself to it. My experience with kids (mine are now teens) are: as long as there are other kids to play with, as long as there's a pool and ice-cream - can never forget ice cream. Then they are happy.
Definitely lay it out to your Mum, - I'm extremely grateful that you have paid so we can experience this with you but I do need to ensure I keep to a strict budget. I'm not asking anyone else to pay so we can do the same, such as the lounge, however we would like to give that a miss. We're going to enjoy the holiday together as a family no matter what, but extra costs are just something we can't afford at the moment so will need to keep to our own budget.

She knows we aren't doing too great at the moment and are on a shoestring, but of course we have to pay our way and I can't expect her to fund everything.

You absolutely can on a holiday she insisted you go on and offered to pay for. I invited my mum on holiday. She's on ESA and has no spare cash. I paid for everything, from the taxi to the airport to meals out. She doesn't have the money and I wanted her there, so I paid.

Do you think your mum really understands how broke you are? If she and your dad have been relatively well-off for a while, she really might not have much idea of what it's like to really struggle. That's the only excuse I can think of for her behaviour.