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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am i being unreasonable as a step dad

83 replies

Charlie231015 · 09/07/2019 13:40

So basically will be as brief as I can. I would love the honest opinion of women so I thought what better place to come as when I have googled stuff before about my kid I would see forums from this page. So my situation; I have been with my partner for 5 years, I have a stepson who is basically 7 and a 3.5 year old who is my biological son. Now the mother has always said I must treat them as equals which I think goes without saying in any situation like this if you get with someone who has a kid you commit to them and there child. The 7 year old's father is about and he sees his son every other weekend for the whole weekend and my partner and him are amicable and from what i gather hes a good father the 7 year old loves him dearly which is fantastic. I have met him multiple times there is no animosity on my part and were civil(why wouldnt we be?) basically my partner wants me to be his dad 99.9% of the time but we have had arguments in the past about who goes on a school report day etc which was easily solved as he didnt want me in there so we alternate me and my partner then him and his partner. Previous to this I wasnt allowed to go to his 1st day at school where i wanted to see him off which hurt me alot, they(my partner and 7 year old dad) had a whole day planned which is kid finishes half day and then they go for lunch etc and back to school i was happy with this arrangement I just wanted to see him off at the gate which really upset me but i got over it. Now the latest thing was he had a minor operation he had to be put to sleep and i wanted to go she kicks up a fuss and saids its me and his dad and theyre gonna go early with 7 year old alternate have breakfast at the hospital so the boy isnt alone then wait and have op I said that I wanted to be there to support the boy and of course if only 2 people allowed in room i will take a back seat wait in hospital cafe at least i would be there, he wanted me there, i could show support and then when he comes out i would be there but she has kicked off and we have fell out. She wants me to play daddy when it suits and i love him to death so i do it naturally but when certain things happen i have to take a backseat and i dont know why. So in my head its come down to these answers 1.) shes too scared to ask him - what would annoy me anyway as its about the boy not the father and if he doesnt like it he needs to get over it we been together 5 years 2.) She doesnt actually want me there - I think your partner is someone you commit too and choose to be with and in this case i have taken him on as my own, she shouldnt even need to say im coming and should expect me to be there because of my relationship with her and the kid. I literally am baffled to why i have to stay away and im upset and i was hoping from a womens perspective i can get the answers i am after. Am i being out of order? does she need to be told that she needs to involve me or am i out of order? thanks for reading this and I would appreicate genuine honest opinions, thankyou

OP posts:

Russell19 · 09/07/2019 13:45

I think YABU. The child's dad is there in these situations.

Also do you realise how annoying it is for teachers to have to do 2 different parents evening meetings because people can't get on? If 30 children needed this teachers would be there literally all night for a week!

TheDarkPassenger · 09/07/2019 13:45

Yeah I agree with you that it’s awful. We’re a blended family too and as far as I’m concerned my son has 4 parents and we all mix and match to go to stuff we’re available for. I also have a son living with me who I have raised and a few times I’ve been pushed to the back of the line for things so I put my foot down promptly and said I’ve raised him. It had to kick off to change though unfortunately. Now I’m top of the list :)

MyOpinionIsValid · 09/07/2019 13:48

The child has a father, this isnt a competition. Your job is to support your partner in her parenting decsions. It isnt 'playing daddy' it's being an adult. So your role is to wait in the wings, quietly, then you can step out when his Dad has to go. But you are NOT a replacement father, he has an involved and perfectly capable father.

Original poster

Charlie231015 · 09/07/2019 13:51

I agree Russell, but he lives with us 90% of the time and they teach you valuable learning techniques I said whoever wants to go can go teacher said she was happy to do it in front of 10 if needed haha.

Thanks guys keep them coming ye i know its not a competition just wanna be theyre too support little man thats all and I wanna know why its an issue as she wont tell me.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 09/07/2019 13:52

You need to step back and let his dad parent on these occasions. No reason though that the 4 of you couldn't go to sports day. Parents evening should just be two parents as should other school meetings.

MissingMo · 09/07/2019 13:53

I feel like YANBU. You are willing to take a backseat when required like sitting in the cafe rather than being in the room. You are willing to treat him as your own and from your description you are as far as you can.

MyOpinionIsValid · 09/07/2019 13:56

I wanna know why its an issue as she wont tell me.

Because you are overstepping your boundaries, the child has a father, you're just too full on, you're trying to push the father out.

Treating the child as you would treat your own does not mean you are the father.

Love51 · 09/07/2019 13:58

Surely 7yos mum goes to hospital with him, you look after the 3.5 year old and your partner (ie feed her / do whatever practical stuff needs doing).
Don't fall out with your partner over this. She is trying to make her son feel safe, and her and his dad are presenting a united front. Wanting the child to feel safe and supported doesn't mean she wants to get back with her ex!

Karigan195 · 09/07/2019 13:58

You’ve been in this kids life since he was 2 doing 90% of the parenting together with your wife? Then yeah I think you should get to be there but obviously not taking his actual dad’s spot if there are room limits etc. But you could pop in if one or the other goes to get a coffee etc.

Starlight456 · 09/07/2019 14:02

Honestly my Ds has no involvement , the last thing dad should feel is replaced .

Tbh I don’t really see why 2 parents need to go to parents evening.

Hahaha88 · 09/07/2019 14:02

Oh come on MN. If this was a step mother saying do wants me to treat the kid's equally but doesn't want me there for important things there would be screams of LTB.
@Charlie231015 I think you partner is being unfair. Either her son has one mother and two father's or he doesn't. You can treat your son and step son equally if you aren't seen as an equal father to both. I think she's being unfair. You're not trying to replace his biological father, just be there too. Which there's no reason why you shouldn't.

Hahaha88 · 09/07/2019 14:03

*can't treat them equally

Bellatrix14 · 09/07/2019 14:05

I don’t think you’re being unfair at all, but I imagine others will think you are. I think the key thing is that your step son wants you with him. It’s unfair of your partner to expect you to treat them equally and to encourage a close relationship but then cut you out of important events, especially when her little boy wants you to be there.

Missingstreetlife · 09/07/2019 14:08

The father and mother have parental responsibility, not step parents.
Of course you will act as a responsible adult (like an extra uncle perhaps) and are mums partner. Doctors, teachers etc should talk to parents unless they are not available. Step back.

Original poster

Charlie231015 · 09/07/2019 14:14

@Missingstreetlife ye i respect that im here for both sides of this.

My partner demands, literally demands i treat him like a son. My whole point is if she wants me too treat him as my son do I expect as her partner that she treats me like his dad like she does 99.9% time.

This will be my last post but thank you to everyone who has an opinion, im not trying to replace the dad lol just wanna support the lad do i take a back step from the lad? or does it not work like that(could never actually do that) I genuinely got annoyed I was told by her and that was only because she gave me no reason, I pay for him to live, I paid for his birthday party do i take a step back from stuff like that aswell? where do you draw the line.

Thanks again I will be reading comments and appreciate opinions

OP posts:

MyCatHatesEverybody · 09/07/2019 14:18

Unfortunately this is life for very many step parents- you're expected to step up like actual parent when your partner wants you to but also to step aside when they tell you to as well. It sucks. Only you can decide how to act in response to your partner's boundaries around your step parenting role.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/07/2019 14:23

My DH is SD to DS and has been from the age of 2 hes now 11, he also has regular access with his df and have a good relationship. DH parents with me but he knows when he needs to take a step back in regards to first day of school and not over stepping his mark in regards to his df. We have no issues and then four of us all co-parent effectively it's about getting the balance right.

TenDays · 09/07/2019 14:24

You're a brilliant stepdad. The the boy still has his original, actual Dad around too. It's a hard situation and you're handling it well.

What's important here is the children's welfare. You are having to share parental responsibility for the stepson with his actual parents, and you need to know when to let them take over.

It's not about them just wanting you when they feel like it, it's more that they understand his need to have both his parents on side. Your partner has worked hard keep up the contact between her older son and his father. He too is a good man.

Incidentally, your own son will see how you adults interact and co-operate and will learn from you how to conduct his own life later. You need to show him how you can behave with dignity and tolerance.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/07/2019 14:25

Holy communion all four of us went but something like a first day or going to check out the senior school me and his df did he didn't need all four of us there.

Stilllearning01 · 09/07/2019 14:26

Why can't a child have 2 dads or 2 mums or whatever else? Families come in all different shapes and sizes. The biological dad being annoyed because stepdad is there has absolutely nothing to do with the kids feelings. It's adults being petulant and ignoring the kids needs. If kids had the choice they would put every single person they love in 1 place all together. Think about it from the kids POV...does he want all 3 there, then be all 3 there for him.

Justathinslice · 09/07/2019 14:30

But..
It's not an " all or nothing" scenario.

There are some things just for parents ( ie bedside vigils) and others that you can mix and match.

It sounds you are more upset with your partner. What exactly are you upset about? You've said a few times that she demands that you treat the kids the same.
Do you feel valued by your partner?

thedevondumpling · 09/07/2019 14:33

So you have been in his life since he was 2, presumably you are actually there for him more than his dad is, no criticism of dad but he lives with you. I can't see why you can't be there if the child wants it, it is what he wants that I would look at. If he wants you and dad doesn't like it well he needs to grow up, if he just wants mum and dad then you have to accept that.

She wants you to treat the children equally, well is this little boy going to wonder why you weren't at the hospital? Will it feel equal to him. I think your wife needs to think about this from the child's perspective.

dottiedodah · 09/07/2019 14:41

I think this is a little unfair to you TBH.If you are parenting him 99% of the time, you have a bond with him and if he wants you there ,then its not fair to your SS if they are not letting you come .The role of a SP is a difficult one really .As this is (hopefully ) a one off then take the time to stay at home with your 3.5 year old, and plan an outing to the park etc together .Cook a nice meal, or treat her to a takeaway when she gets back .Sometimes you just have to be a support to her .If children are poorly they wont feel up to much interaction anyway and will probably be asleep a lot of the time !.

storm11111 · 09/07/2019 15:58

I agree with you, if your partner demands you be a father figure and treat her son like your own then why should you not get to be there when it matters. It's not fair to cut you out of the picture as soon as anything significant happens.

You're not taking away anything from the Dad by being there. You're just another person who loves this boy and wants to be there to support him. I think your partner is unreasonable to demand total involvement, commitment and love and expect you to stand aside like the b-team at parents evening, sports day, graduation, etc.

CrunchTime0 · 09/07/2019 16:02

I think you should go to the hospital. You have already said that your go to the cafe if your only allowed two people in the room.

She can’t just pick and chose when it suits you

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