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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child trust fund difference between siblings

128 replies

PookieDo · 09/07/2019 12:47

My DC were born when the child trust fund money was being allocated back in early 2000’s

Eldest child got one £250 lump at birth and another when 7yo, the other child only had 1 £250 lump at birth and did not get another when she was 7, which was late 2011 because I think it was scrapped in Jan 2011.

So DD1 already had more than DD2. ExDP was supposed to help pay money in but he never did and I wasn’t in a good financial position to have savings for them as single mum low on a low income. They live with me and he pays (shit but) regular maintenance

I have had both their statements posted to me this year as I moved house (and DD1 now has control over hers until she is 18) and DD1’s has done much much better than DD2’s where it has been invested and also as it was a larger amount to begin!

I want to put some money into DD2’s now because I am in a better financial position and to make it fairer but DD1 feels this is unfair of me to not give her the same amount of money. I do see her point but she is already better off!

AIBU to make it fairer or WIBU to give money to DD2 and not DD1? I could do it without DD1 knowing but I do not want to, that isn’t the type of parent I want to be

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 09/07/2019 16:08

He’s not very nice to DD2! And yes he badgers DD1 about it all the time instead of just talking to DD2. The more annoying he is the less DD2 wants to talk to him. So DD1 feels in the middle seeing her dads POV and asking DD2 to give him more chances and DD2 is having none of it. Ex thinks I favour DD2 and makes DD1 feel like there is an ‘us’ and ‘them’. So when DD1 is at her dads I am with DD2 and she feels like she gets more time alone with me (which I try to also even up)

I do not think DD1 is gloating she would have more money in fact she was shocked at the difference and I did explain it. It is just that it makes her feel hard done by in her own way and less loved/favoured by me but I don’t believe she is being fair or is right. Doesn’t stop her feeling that way as others pointed out it can make you feel like shit. In her negative mind would I do the same in return or am I just giving my favourite child money?

OP posts:
Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 09/07/2019 16:13

Money has nothing to do with love.

Eliza9919 · 09/07/2019 16:14

I’d be telling your older daughter that I was ashamed of her.

I'd tell her i'll deduct her 'extra' and give it to DD2. Or take the difference between the 2 accounts and split it between them so they both have the same. Her choice.

Teddybear45 · 09/07/2019 16:19

Honestly yours and your DD2’s finances is none of your eldest daughter’s business. Tell her that, and do what you want with your money.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/07/2019 16:21

I can’t touch the accounts they are not mine they don’t belong to me I can’t split them or do anything to them

OP posts:
caringcarer · 09/07/2019 16:23

My youngest sisters child inherited some money form a grandparent. She then went on to have two more children who obviously did not ever know their grandparent. My sister has left it as it is eldest child's money invested until they are 18. At that point eldest child will either decide to keep it as it was bequeathed to him specifically by his grandfather who he had a loving relationship with and who he remembers well as 7 when he died, or decide to share with younger two siblings. It is his choice and she will not suggest sharing to him but would be happy if he suggested it. He knows he has this money and his siblings do not. It has to be his decision without pressure.

DidItAgainOops · 09/07/2019 16:25

But I see enough money-parent-hate threads on here to want to try to do the right thing

The right thing is to give your children an equally fair start to life, not put one at a disadvantage on the whim of a jealous sibling

DidItAgainOops · 09/07/2019 16:27

In her negative mind would I do the same in return or am I just giving my favourite child money?

And this is the crux of the issue. I’d hazard a guess and suggest that the real problem here is that in your heart of hearts, you do have a favourite child and that is not DD1.

caringcarer · 09/07/2019 16:27

PookieDo that is why government put money in names of children because they did not want parents taking it from them for whatever reason.

BurnedToast · 09/07/2019 16:28

I'd make sure they got the same and that would be the end of it. We have a similar situation, except my DCs sound younger than yours. Dd is 13 and ds is 11. I too up their CTF every month by a little bit, but give slightly more to DS as DD has quite a bit more. They should both get about £6000 when they're 18. If one ends up with more I will make sure it's even. It's not a huge amount, but it's enough to buy a car or pay for something important.

Dungeondragon15 · 09/07/2019 16:36

DD has not had a tantrum over it, she said she felt it would be unfair because the money in her account wasn’t gifted by a parent and it wasn’t her fault that DD2 missed out, so why should I give DD2 money and not DD1.

Strange logic. It wasn't your DD2 fault she missed out either so why should you not give money to DD2 so that things are even.

Iwantacookie · 09/07/2019 16:37

Same thing will happen with me
ds1 has just over £750
Dd has just over £1000
Ds2 has £250

I don't worry about it. I never planned for them to have money as a lump sum and I've been paying all 3 a regular amount in a savings account since birth so the eldest will always end up with more due to interest.

However ide already decided to set up a standing order for them before they were born so it never made any difference to me.

diddl · 09/07/2019 16:38

" So DD1 feels in the middle seeing her dads POV "

Well from the way you've written it, there is no "dad's POV".

He's not nice to his youngest-how sensible of her to not put up with it.

Perhaps your eldest needs to think about doing the same-at the very least telling him to stop as it is between him & her sister to resolve.

mummmy2017 · 09/07/2019 16:43

You can't change the investments, it belongs to the child not you..
What you can do is say you have £20 extra a week, both children get money till 18...
But when eldest turns 18, her money will stop and all the £20 will go to her sister...till she turns 18...
This way both have had 18 years of investments...

Witchesandwizards · 09/07/2019 16:45

I think that they should definitley be evened out.

My parents have started funds for my children and DD (10) has a lot more (000's) in hers than DS (6). It is very likely that my parents won't have the time to even them out, so either we will do so, or I will talk to DD and she can donate to DS. I have spoken to my parents and we agreed to start discussing this with her soo so that if and when we need to do it, there will be no issue.

Helix1244 · 09/07/2019 16:50

1 how would she feel if she were the one £250 short plus all the compound interest
2 intention was to give this money to even up so dd1 never would have known
3 what mum does withher money is none of dc business
4 not a debate both dc deserve the same especially as they are so close in age. If they were years apart then working out inflation etc would have been hard plus interest rates etc would be different.

It's sad how many on here dont want to make things even between siblings even if it could be afforded.
Yes things are not always fair but this could make a huge difference and it is hardly either child's fault that the gov changes policy so quickly

PCohle · 09/07/2019 16:50

But I see enough money-parent-hate threads on here to want to try to do the right thing

Aren't you worried that by pandering to DD1's demands you are going to end up being resented by DD2? Who currently will have less money and no car compared to her sister.

I appreciate you want to come to an "adult mutual understanding about this" but it seems like your attempts at consensus building just end up with the squeaky wheel getting her way.

cardamoncoffee · 09/07/2019 16:54

I have 3 dc, only the youngest 2 got CTF and I have paid the same amount in for both monthly. The youngest one's has consistently done better than the older ones, that's life really. I don't discuss with them how much is in it, I just hope that they will grateful to 're five a lump sum. I will give ds something similar hopefully.

For those who know, does the child just receive a cheque when they turn 18, or how does it work?

Tiredmum100 · 09/07/2019 17:19

My DC are aged 7 and 5. DC1 already has more in savings than DC2 but I like you want to make up DC2 money to match that of DC1. It certainly is NOT favouritism, I just want then to have equal money when they are older. I would do it and just not tell her. She doesn't need to know. Hopefully as she gets older she understands. My parents helped my sister out with a new boiler (around 1k) I didn't demand they give me the same.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/07/2019 19:21

I’ve spoken to them both

DD2 was more bothered about the car, but I have told them both it’s not being gifted to anyone and that DD1 has to look after it so it hopefully can be used by DD2. DD2 thinks the CTF is unfortunate but no ones fault but if it was reversed DD1 would be upset about having less, which is true

As for the money I had a chat with DD1, as I think this is a good opportunity to talk about equality and equity and fairness and such like, not just shut it down and tell her to lump it, just not sure I want to go that way with a child who is not the most mature 16yo and needs to learn to discuss and understand things. Sorry for those of you who think I am a total pushover scared of her and pandering etc but I have had some great advice and came in handy having a discussion

Ultimately she still sticks by the fact that she can’t help feeling it’s unfair to her in a way, but also appreciating that DD2 has less which is no ones fault, and that in my shoes she would feel just as torn and if it was reversed she would be grateful for me topping it up. I think she may still be slightly resentful but I don’t think she thinks it’s to do with loving anyone less or more. DD2 is more likely to go to Uni so DD1 was grumbling about whether I will pay for that too but I can’t, DD will have to live at home or get student loans and grants I don’t earn a huge amount and have no savings

I’ve told her I will be paying some money to DD2 but I didn’t discuss how much exactly. I’ve had to phone up and get the paperwork sent to me again as I’ve lost it and I will just set up an SO for now to pay some in. I doubt it will be £900, and DD2 also has until 2022 for it to mature

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 09/07/2019 19:25

You are doing the right thing by making it fair. We were in a similar situation with 2 of our kids not having a CTF, one having received the 2 payments and the youngest just receiving one payment. We have made it fair to them all so that they each have the same when they turn 18.

harriethoyle · 09/07/2019 19:27

DD1 is a total brat, I'm afraid. If it's just about the principle of you not using your money, tell her you're switching the funds* and see how she feels then

*I know you can't do that it's more to illustrate the point...

sheshootssheimplores · 09/07/2019 19:36

This has cemented my mind that the kids will not be told about their savings account until they’re 21. If I end up having petty arguments with them about who is more hard done by I know I’ll end up shutting them down and going on a luxury holiday with the proceeds.

Original poster
PookieDo · 09/07/2019 19:43

It is petty when they are young and it seems like so much money to them. I have no access to her account it’s in her name now and she goes in online!

DD1 is not a complete brat. She’s the most helpful sociable child out of them both. She does a lot in the house, goes to the shops, with the pets etc, DD2 is lazy and does far less. The resentment simmers sometimes as they both have equal chores shared out but DD1 will do hers and more, and DD2 has to be nagged to do everything. I’m the eldest child so I do get how she feels ‘hard done by’ sometimes as I remember feeling the same sometimes. My dsis and I are now very close (4y age gap) but I remember feeling like my DM let my younger sister get away with loads of things and likes her more

OP posts:
Curious2468 · 09/07/2019 20:10

We are in a similar position and I intend to balance mine out so they get the same amount. The whole ctf was so ridiculous in the first place. It was never going to be enough to do anything proper with and most 18 year olds are going to use it for fun.