To ask for your best 'off the cuff' comeback to an insult

[TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey]

I've had lots of insults regarding being overweight, not wearing make up and how my children behave/how I handle their behaviour (2 children with ASD) to name but a few. I usually handle insults by ignoring the person insulting me and just carrying on. Unless they try shouting/trying to parent my children. Then i say something, usually very politely. Not everyone understands Autism.
But there was one incident where I felt as though I should have flicked my swishy hair as I turned on my heel and walked away in triumph after the best comeback I ever came up with tumbled out of my mouth.

I was struggling with my DD1 getting her into the car where she, and other people, would be safe during a huge meltdown. Two women walked past and decided to stand and watch me do this, while DD2 got in the car herself and DS was getting stressed and crying unable to cope with DD1s meltdown and on the verge of his own. The exchange along the lines of;

Woman 1: Have you seen what she's doing to that poor bairn? (I was holding DD1 in a firm hug as she was trying to bang her head off of the window and car frame)

Woman 2: The way she's shouting at the other two..silly cow (at my telling DD2 where to sit over the screaming of DD1 and telling DS that everything was OK and to get in the car)
She's not even listening to us.

Woman 1: Ignorant Bitch!

Woman 2 : (to me) If I had a mother like you I'd hate ya!

Me: If you'd had a mother like me you'd have turned out a decent human being rather than the sorry example you are. Now. Go. Away.

DD2 (who was 7 at the time) said "Mum that was dead good! Those ladies were scary but you were really scary!"

I felt so proud as I carted my little special people home.

Well done! Great come back

Absolutely brilliant.

I think of the best insults to comment. Really funny and cutting, unfortunately it’s always about an hour after the actual event

England cricketer to Shane Warne : Warney, why are you so fat?
Shane Warne : Because every time I f**k your mum she gives me a biscuit.

Possibly apocryphal but still the best come back ever.

Me too Beldon

The one I regret not thinking of at the time, in the outside seating bit of a nightclub and my friends were chatting to some blokes. One of them who I’d not so much as exchanged a word with said ‘You’ve got a big nose’
What I wished I’d said was ‘It’s probably trying to overcompensate for your tiny cock’

No one else has ever said anything to me since about my facial features so I can presume he was just an actual prick so I’ve never got to use my killer come back line!

My friend who was overweight at the time and was doing everything she could to drop to a healthy weight, including cycling.

Out on her bike sweating her nuts off and someone yelled "you'll break that bike you fat cow". Turned the bike around and shouted "I can lose weight but you'll always be an ugly fucker"

Props.

I'd have just gave them the death stare and growled at them.!!!!!!!!!!.
Nasty pair of witches.

Supposing they said If I had a mother like you. I'd hate ya. To someone who has PND. That very very likely would push them over the edge.
People pass these comments, and it's not that they're ignorant or don't get the impact. They understand quite well. They just don't give a hoot. Intact they get off on putting people down. They're more to be really, as if they have to put people down to make themselves look better simply shows great weakness.

Save your breath mate, you’ll need it to blow up your girlfriend later!!

Beldon I do exactly the same. That's why I was so proud of this one. Her face was priceless.
I love the cycling one. Especially because she'd have cycled off and left him wanting to say something else.
That's not.the worst comment Ive had. Ive had some real corkers when dealing with my DCs public meltdowns.
But Ive also had nice ones too including the lady who said I was doing a great job under tremendous strain and I should be proud of myself.
And the lady who'd just bought a cushion in the shop we were outside of and gave it to me to use against a rough concrete wall that my DD was smacking her head off.
So amongst the dross there are some true gems.

*England cricketer to Shane Warne : Warney, why are you so fat?
Shane Warne : Because every time I f*k your mum she gives me a biscuit.

It was an Australian who said it to England cricketer Mike Gatting, when he was batting. And in Gatting's response it was the Aussie's wife, not his mother!

I feel mine may be a bit too much for people on here.

lets just say the OP and many other comments id see as warm up childish retorts.

You got to get eloquent and really get the ball going lol. Best one too is hit them with the truth, nothing hits the spot like a well aimed comment hahaha

Come on then scorpio we need to know now!

Well done, op!!

Cousin of my stbxh was a jealous, manipulative, nosey cow who took great pleasure in meddling in our marriage. She would actually laugh at our rows, some of which were caused by her. It took me a long time to see it as as she comes across as a lovely person, she would only behave like this with me, and would pass her comments off as jokes. It took me even longer to stand up to her. I'm not the best at instant comebacks, I've never had to use them on anyone till her. I got into the habit of hearing her comments, stewing over them and then messaging/calling her to tell her how much she'd upset me. I would do this each time. She eventually stopped with the comments, as she knew a barrage of calls and/or messages were coming her way from me.

Didn't happen to me, but something I witnessed during a screaming match at the school gate a couple of years ago. One of the ladies grabbed her eye turned to someone next to her and said "Ow! I think something's in my eye. Can you see if there's anything in there that looks like I actually give a fuck?"

Sorry that you have experienced so much unpleasant behaviour OP, obviously that is undeserved and some people are extremely judgementa and rudel- but i just don't see the point of all this; giving back what you have received doesn't validate or invalidate anything other than just spread more negativity. Being 'sassy' is amusing in films and the like but just reflects badly in real life most of the time, even if it feels good for a few seconds. Being the bigger person in actuality is keeping control of how it makes you feel and acting appropriately, not serving the wittiest comeback. Anyone can be rude, it isn't very hard.

I think its preferable to just ignore where possible, explain to children present that those people have been unkind and inappropriate but they are probably unhappy themselves, and move on. If an altercation is 'required' I would have probably just have pointed out that commenting/laughing etc on other people's difficult situations isn't very helpful or pleasant and that i am just trying to get on with my day so please could they do the same. I don't think it' what you say so much as just calling out anyone at all always has the same result- they always look embarrassed and leave. No need to add more personal comments to the pie IMO, you might be saying something that has more meaning than you know, and causing a great deal more hurt than you received, which they'll probably pass on to someone else and keep it going!

OP brilliant retort

Sorry, bacon, but I disagree. Yes, there’s merit in staking the higher ground, but if we don’t call out rudeness and unkindness, how are people ever going to learn that these things can have repercussions? Okay, 9/10 times, being pulled up on bad behaviour wont change anything, but if just one person reflects on their attitude and how their behaviour affects others, then for me that’s worth it.

And I’m not advocating rudeness, but sometimes a stinging comeback is justified, in my opinion.

I suppose I can understand the initial standing and checking - to make sure that a child wasn't being abducted or something like that, but to pass rude comments is not on. I liked your comeback as it managed to not be exactly rude, but showed her how out of order she was.

I'm not great with comebacks but many years ago a friend of mine said "I don't like your dress" (it was some floaty floral thing I felt comfortable in). I managed to respond with, "Good. I only wore it to annoy you."

Moons ago, working in a late night take away had a group of very drunk young lads in. One tried to chat a colleague up, when he got nowhere he tried the next one till he got to me. By this point he was not happy as his offer to show us all "the time of our life had been declined". He was really pushing it with the lewd comments even his mates were apologizing for him. After a particularly nasty remark from him about only slags work in take aways and we should be grateful of his offer.. i politely told him to go and "jump start his brain" he floundered for a min (whilst his mates were pissing themselves) not knowing what i ment, so i clarified " go have a wank, it might jump start the rest of your brain cells".

I dont know where it came from but its the best come back i have ever come out with and still use it to this day.

My friend was in a bar and she'd had an awful week, she was talking to someone in a private conversation and she was swearing a lot. She was trying to unwind and not get upset about the things that had happened.

The barwoman eavesdropped the conversation, turned to her with a sarcastic look and said "could you say 'fuck' any more times?". My friend turned around and said "yes - fuck off!"

Anyway she was asked to leave but never mind.

Man walking towards me refused to move over on the pavement to allow me to pass with the pram. Pavement could easily fit two people but he wanted it ALL.

I stood my ground and he had to move over as he passed. He muttered "Fat bitch"

I replied "I've recently had a baby, what's your excuse?!?"

He did tell me to fuck off but to be fair I reckon I won that round

Ladies, he was no Adonis.

Once I was in a bar and another woman made a rude remark about my friend’s outfit which I could see by my friend’s face had immediately knocked her confidence.
The woman had one of those hipster thick-fringed blunt-bob haircuts... so I leant over and said “Wow! I love your hat!” and tugged at her fringe, which made several people laugh out loud
I’m not usually mean but it felt good to put the nasty bitch in her place

Also overheard a guy in a bar saying the most misogynistic things about women walking past him. Later on he made an attempt to chat me up and came over and said “Is this stool free?” gesturing to sit next to me, so I replied “Yes and now this one is too” and got up

@skybluee hahahaha! Is your friend me?!