To ask for your best 'off the cuff' comeback to an insult

[TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey]

I've had lots of insults regarding being overweight, not wearing make up and how my children behave/how I handle their behaviour (2 children with ASD) to name but a few. I usually handle insults by ignoring the person insulting me and just carrying on. Unless they try shouting/trying to parent my children. Then i say something, usually very politely. Not everyone understands Autism.
But there was one incident where I felt as though I should have flicked my swishy hair as I turned on my heel and walked away in triumph after the best comeback I ever came up with tumbled out of my mouth.

I was struggling with my DD1 getting her into the car where she, and other people, would be safe during a huge meltdown. Two women walked past and decided to stand and watch me do this, while DD2 got in the car herself and DS was getting stressed and crying unable to cope with DD1s meltdown and on the verge of his own. The exchange along the lines of;

Woman 1: Have you seen what she's doing to that poor bairn? (I was holding DD1 in a firm hug as she was trying to bang her head off of the window and car frame)

Woman 2: The way she's shouting at the other two..silly cow (at my telling DD2 where to sit over the screaming of DD1 and telling DS that everything was OK and to get in the car)
She's not even listening to us.

Woman 1: Ignorant Bitch!

Woman 2 : (to me) If I had a mother like you I'd hate ya!

Me: If you'd had a mother like me you'd have turned out a decent human being rather than the sorry example you are. Now. Go. Away.

DD2 (who was 7 at the time) said "Mum that was dead good! Those ladies were scary but you were really scary!"

I felt so proud as I carted my little special people home.

First I want to state I'm overweight now. No unprovoked weight shaming from me!!

But...

(Wearing a crop top as a slim late teen)
Larger loud known-bully girl - "I wouldn't wear something like that"
Me - "no, if I looked like you, I wouldn't wear it either"

DH often says to me 'I'm only teasing' when pissing me off

I always reply 'And it's working....'

Grrr

Was 18 weeks pregnant and hadn't told anyone at work.

Walking out of a directors office, his secretary yelled out, 'stupidis, watch out, you're getting very fat'.

I spun around and said,'I'm five months pregnant, what's your excuse?'

Director nearly wet his pants behind her.

A young couple were visiting me. I'm related to the young woman. Her partner is nice enough but not blessed overly with brain cells.

She, jokingly: "Are you chatting Martini up?!"

He, with a sigh: "Babe, I do have an age limit".

Me, quick as a flash: "And I have a minimum IQ limit!"

Oddly, he's never again insinuated that I'm old.

"Good. I only wore it to annoy you."

Ah, RiftGibbon that really tickled me! Thanks for the giggle!

Whatever anyone says just spin it straight back with 'no you are' / 'no you do'
Or maybe just 'and?'

When I was still working I said Excuse me to a couple of 'those' girls blocking the corridor, Why, wotyerdun? Been brought up with manners.

A young colleague was told to Piss off by gobby lad, to amuse his friends. Off where?. He went bright red, his friends laughed at him and he never said another inpparopriate thing to her again.
Another one, when she was telling his off, said I'll get yer dun, I'll say you locked me in the stockroom and forced me to have sex with you! She drew herself up to her 5 feet 2 inches, thrust out her ample bosom, her nickname was Cuddles, looked him very slowly up and down and said You should be so bloody lucky! You do need an audience to witness and tell their embarrassment.

riftgibbon i love it!
dontgobaconmyheart normally I agree with you but there is only so.much stress a body can take and sometimes it has to come out. That day it came out like that.
As i said usually comments I can leave, being called a fat bitch in the middle of the shopping centre, people shouting they wouldn't fuck me if I paid them (not sure where they got the notion I wanted them to as they were about 15 and I was walking home with a double buggy and shopping) and the relentless parenting advice from people who have no clue about what caring for autistic children is actually like past the 5 minutes they see in a carpark...i ignore, tell the children people are sometimes unkind and leave it. But sometimes, just sometimes...those people say something just as my stress bucket explodes. I remain proud of my verbal face slap (the way i was feeling it could have been much worse but I am very, very practiced at 'letting it go')

Took up running a while back and am very much a plodder. Two guys stood outside the pub and as I'm approaching yell "not going very fast are yer?" Managed to come back with "Still faster than you mate". I had his friends laughter ringing in my ears as I carried on down the road (The original heckler was rather... round in shape)

My mother has an acid tongue and has always used it to cut me down. I worry about her doing the same to my beautiful boy so I stay vigilant when she’s around.

One of her oft-used insults is to comment about his alleged smell, irrespective of how fresh he is. I think it’s because it’s essentially a two-for-one insult as it suggests I don’t do a good enough job of keeping him clean.

The other week she visited and like clockwork said: “Poo. Something smells just vile, ghostedgirl. Just VILE!”

I remained deadpan then fired back: “Maybe it’s your breath blowing back into your face.”

:)

I am not very good at comebacks and always think of them afterwards (kicking myself).

But was proud of myself recently when I had an estate agent in valuing the house. He was awful, really blowing he own trumpet at how wealthy he was and it felt like he was being really patronising to me as little old wifey.

I showed him the garage and I said ‘it’s not quite as wide as an average garage’, (it was a car port, we had to put in a garage when NDN knocked down theirs) and without skipping a beat he said ‘yes well, my car wouldn’t fit in it’. So I turned on heel, ushered him out and replied ‘well, it fits the Porsche’. The patronising and one upmanship soon stoped after that.

Ooh I love these! I can't think of any of my own at the moment but I'm sure I have given a few verbal slaps over time

One I've used a couple of times which can cover a few things and leaves people scratching their heads is-

"I would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong"

Ha dontdoxmeeither that's one of my Dad's favourites. That and "it's not often you're right, but you're wrong again."

When my ex admitted he had cheated I said without thinking ‘I don’t understand how you could want to have sex with anyone else when you could have me’

I have no idea where that came from as I am not usually very confident!

In the 80s. My mate posing all coolant a nightclub . Guy plucks up courage to approach : "would you like to dance?" Mate looking him up And down with scorn: "no thanks I'm not desperate" bloke retorts "well I am!" And strides off. Brilliant. She deserved that

A few years back when I was in my 50s I came back to work from my holiday and was told about a new member of staff, a young very brash and cocky git who seemed to have upset a few people with his acid comments.

He was on a client visit so I didn't meet him until mid morning, we said hello and I could see him eying me up and he didn't look impressed.

A few hours later he started to fan himself with his hand saying very loudly I am hot I must be going through the menopause looking straight at me, without missing a beat I said nah love you've got to go through puberty first, the whole office erupted and someone actually fell off their seat laughing, he went rather red and shut up.

In the afternoon I went outside for a ciggy and he joined me and we started chatting, we ended up being very good friends, and I introduced him to my young niece, they married and have a baby so we are family now, he often tells people the story of the first time we met

I was breastfeeding my 13 month old in a cafe once. I didn’t like feeding him out as he looked older but he was cranky and tired so sat discreetly in a corner.

A lady came and looked and sneered “you’re not still breastfed are you?” “Of course not” I replied. “I’m 38, that would be really weird”

Cow.

@Thehop Permission to steal that one please

A Big Issue seller called a gay friend of mine a ‘faggot’ because he didn’t buy one. Without missing a beat he replied ‘A faggot with a house’.

I was walking out of the shop one night, fairly heavily pregnant, carrying a large multipack of crisps. Bunch of teenagers hanging about by the shop, and one cocky wee shit shouted "If you ate less crisps, you wouldn't be so fat"
For the only time in my life, my brain worked overtime, and I replied "it wasn't crisps that got me in this state, it was sex", and walked off.
Gobby teens friends pissed themselves laughing, gobby teen went bright red, and I was extremely proud of myself

I usually say "I'm sorry but I think you've mistaken me for someone who gives a sh*t what you think!"

In my much younger days, the local disco had a “grab a granny” night whereby 18 year old lads attempted to pull / ridicule older women aka anyone over the age of 25. One of the lads said to his friends that he was going to ask the ugliest woman he could find to dance and proceeded to approach a woman in her 40s . He grinned smugly at her as he asked , whilst also grinning back at his equally grinning mates and she quickly cottoned on... so when he did ask, her reply was “no thanks fatty, I’d prefer to save it for someone attractive”. The look on his face as he slunk back to his group was hilarious.

It's a tough one to call isn't it, I think we should stand up to bullies or at least face them down but I also understand that retaliating doesn't improve the situation over the long term and may well just make it worse 😕😳🤔

Whossorrynow I have yet to meet the would-be bully who can continue bullying through being stood up to robustly.

I'm a female who runs, so I've had a few insults/unwelcome comments from men. One group of strutting workmen started shouting sexual remarks to me and making stupid noises as I ran past. I tend to get rather aggressive when training. So I went up to them and said 'This isn't Afghanistan and you aren't the fucking Taliban'. They went silent.

Another man for some reason decided to start shouting at me for running across the entrance to the car park of a small local shop. I called him a 'gap-toothed cretin', and when he came back at me with some gaslighting, I told him I was fed up with my tax supporting sociopaths like him, as they invariably failed in life.

Its really best to leave me alone when I'm running...