To ask for your best 'off the cuff' comeback to an insult

[TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey]

I've had lots of insults regarding being overweight, not wearing make up and how my children behave/how I handle their behaviour (2 children with ASD) to name but a few. I usually handle insults by ignoring the person insulting me and just carrying on. Unless they try shouting/trying to parent my children. Then i say something, usually very politely. Not everyone understands Autism.
But there was one incident where I felt as though I should have flicked my swishy hair as I turned on my heel and walked away in triumph after the best comeback I ever came up with tumbled out of my mouth.

I was struggling with my DD1 getting her into the car where she, and other people, would be safe during a huge meltdown. Two women walked past and decided to stand and watch me do this, while DD2 got in the car herself and DS was getting stressed and crying unable to cope with DD1s meltdown and on the verge of his own. The exchange along the lines of;

Woman 1: Have you seen what she's doing to that poor bairn? (I was holding DD1 in a firm hug as she was trying to bang her head off of the window and car frame)

Woman 2: The way she's shouting at the other two..silly cow (at my telling DD2 where to sit over the screaming of DD1 and telling DS that everything was OK and to get in the car)
She's not even listening to us.

Woman 1: Ignorant Bitch!

Woman 2 : (to me) If I had a mother like you I'd hate ya!

Me: If you'd had a mother like me you'd have turned out a decent human being rather than the sorry example you are. Now. Go. Away.

DD2 (who was 7 at the time) said "Mum that was dead good! Those ladies were scary but you were really scary!"

I felt so proud as I carted my little special people home.

This was VERY mean of me, But in my defence I was only 16 (and she started it)

I was doing a YTS in a retail store and we had to have our bags checked when entering and leaving the store (fair enough)

Trainee manager who was absolutely horrible to all the young staff and very overweight (relevant) looked in my bag from the bakers and said ''Ooh cakes, My Mum always told me to stay away from cakes or you'll get fat'' (whilst looking me up and down)

''You clearly didn't listen then'' Says I.

Arrogant colleague who thinks the rules don't apply to him was helping himself to coffee from my desk. When caught, he pretended it was a mix-up and said, "What must you think of me?" "No worse than I did already!". He can kid himself I was joking, I know I wasn't

My go to is usually “Oh wipe your chin would you? You’re dribbling shit again”

When someone is being obnoxious I find this can be quite effective...
Are you from a family of arseholes or are you the black sheep?

One attributed to Jo Brand:
Heckler: "Are you a lesbian?"
Jo: (after lingering stare) "Are you the alternative?"

One of my own, provoked by a long-running "jolly banter" campaign about my being overweight.
"I've joined Weight Watchers" (true) "So far I've lost three stone" (also true). "What are you doing about your appalling manners?"
And when I was taken aside later by one of her flying monkey to be told how upset she was, "Well that balances things out a bit, she's been upsetting me, I was brought up being told it was rude to make personal remarks."

One from a friend to another rather acid-tongued colleague: "I do hope you got a refund from the charm school."

“Your brother doesn’t look autistic”

“You don’t look stupid yet here we both are”

Said my adult son to a woman recently.

mummy that's fab. Ive had that one.
She can't be disabled she's not in a wheelchair.
I came up with a couple of things about 4 hours later but at the time just sort of growled between flailing arms .. no this is how all children behave when they aren't allowed to buy weedkiller in B and Q 🙄

Doent count as an insult, but my favourite ever

BBC interviewer- 'Can I have a quick word, Gordon?'

Gordon Strachan-'Velocity'

That was fab op!
You’re my new hero
Hope you have very few other times when you need to have a comeback

Twatty over-performancy graduate at graduation ceremony: I got a 2:1 so I'm like officially smart now

Parent of another graduate who overheard: If you were that fucking smart, you'd have got a first

Ouch.

StillCoughingandLaughing Thats an Allan Carr joke

Random man: “that top makes you look like a slut.”

Me: “that face makes you look like a cunt.”

Him: looks on in horror and stumbles off speechless

I have no idea where it came from, I’ve never been as quick witted as that before or since!

Menopausal at the moment, was having a hot flush and getting really hot in a meeting last week. Very slim, cool and, pristine colleague looked at me in obvious disgust as I was fanning myself "menopause" I said as way of explanation. "Oh God I hope I am never like that" says looking like she was about to vomit " oh it has its upside" says I with a big smile "I no longer give a f**k what people say or think about me"

Megsheeran
I just love that comeback!

Mine - said with a smile in casual conversation with a payroll clerk work colleague:

Her: you must feel terrible that at your age you're still just a secretary
Me: have you ever considered what a terrible loss you must be to the Diplomatic Corps?

I was 30 and, I thought, good at my job!

A very difficult and judgemental woman I know who is on her third marriage was criticising the etiquette and planning around my wedding and generally being a smug superior cow so I replied 'I'd better listen to your hard earned expertise, I only plan to have one attempt'

I was reading a post on mn years ago. I think it was on the large families board and one women was hacked off because people keept commenting on the size of her family. She was asking for comebacks. One of them, in response to why she kept having kids was:

'I just love riding cock'

I’ve had the ‘she doesn’t look disabled’ comment about DD several times.

My standard response is ‘I didn’t think you looked like an idiot but I guess we are both wrong’

After being asked for what felt like the millionth time when we were having children by random people
Then: you need to get a move on if you’re having children/ when are you having kids
Me: ooh we’re discussing sex lives are we? You go first... is he As bad in bed as your face suggests

Usually shuts them up while I go and inject yet another ivf drug....

Ex colleague who really thought she was something special but who tbh couldnt do her job, she snitched on people, lied every single day and was just an out and out bitch. She lied to HR about me which resulted in an investigation that took up way to much of everyones time. I had all my evidence she had nothing to back up her totally untrue claims, she was reprimanded but her skin was so thick it meant nothing.
A few weeks later at a presentation involving all of the staff, bosses and local dignitaries, she slid up to the group i was talking which included the big boss and the local Mayor and spoke to me in her usual sickly crawling voice and out of my mouth came the words " next time you want to speak to me put your hand up" The boss choked on his drink and the Mayor laughed his head off.
Two weeks later she was sacked for opening the bosses mail.

Not really a come back as such but still good.
I was young, i went clubbing, i had big boobs, i wore low cut tops. Out with a group of girls. A bloke in the club get leary and wont leave me alone. I tell him to go away, he doesnt and gets more twatish. This other guy comes over and tells the twat bloke to bugger off. Twat bloke says something like 'why. Who are ya? Her boyfriend?' Other guy replies 'no, worse im her bother!!' (He was) and his very tall mates. Twat blokes looks like hes just crapped him self. 😂😂

I worked in a pub and some customers were trying to get attention of the waiting staff who were run ragged as it was really busy. One bloke did that really rude thing of lifting his arm and clicking his fingers. My colleague saw it and quick as a flash she called over, 'It takes more than two fingers to make me come mate!' - it brought the house down.

"Away and take your face for a shite"
"Shut your legs, your breath smells"
Childish but works 🤷🏼‍♀️😁

"I thought you were a lady till you opened your gob".
Works a treat.

Warpdrive someone did that to me once as a very young very new barmaid, the pub landlady spotted it and shouted “you’ll be served next mate - next after this one, this one, this one, this one... oh and that one ...oh and her!” While stabbing her finger at everyone waiting along the bar and two customers who’d just joined the line.

Buying some sweets with the kids to be told that's not very good for their teeth. Guy had 2 x 6 packs of beers and a few bottles of wine. So i turned and said and that's not very good for your liver but i won't judge.