To ask for your best 'off the cuff' comeback to an insult

[TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey]

I've had lots of insults regarding being overweight, not wearing make up and how my children behave/how I handle their behaviour (2 children with ASD) to name but a few. I usually handle insults by ignoring the person insulting me and just carrying on. Unless they try shouting/trying to parent my children. Then i say something, usually very politely. Not everyone understands Autism.
But there was one incident where I felt as though I should have flicked my swishy hair as I turned on my heel and walked away in triumph after the best comeback I ever came up with tumbled out of my mouth.

I was struggling with my DD1 getting her into the car where she, and other people, would be safe during a huge meltdown. Two women walked past and decided to stand and watch me do this, while DD2 got in the car herself and DS was getting stressed and crying unable to cope with DD1s meltdown and on the verge of his own. The exchange along the lines of;

Woman 1: Have you seen what she's doing to that poor bairn? (I was holding DD1 in a firm hug as she was trying to bang her head off of the window and car frame)

Woman 2: The way she's shouting at the other two..silly cow (at my telling DD2 where to sit over the screaming of DD1 and telling DS that everything was OK and to get in the car)
She's not even listening to us.

Woman 1: Ignorant Bitch!

Woman 2 : (to me) If I had a mother like you I'd hate ya!

Me: If you'd had a mother like me you'd have turned out a decent human being rather than the sorry example you are. Now. Go. Away.

DD2 (who was 7 at the time) said "Mum that was dead good! Those ladies were scary but you were really scary!"

I felt so proud as I carted my little special people home.

certainly it stops the bully in his tracks but what about in the long term? Does he just take his humiliations (because-deserved though it may be-he experienced it as humiliation) out on someone weaker?
Or does he go home reflect on his behavior and become a better person?

Some of these are fantastic. I applaud you all, and you OP.

I have no such cutting one-liners to share - but the best I ever did, was wordless.

Working in a bar in my final year of university, and there was only two of us - each doing one side of the bar. A massive group of very rowdy, drunk rugby lads came in, to the side I was serving. We were busy, they got rowdy. They started shouting at me, jeering, you can imagine.

I gave the change to the girl I was serving - stood and looked at them all, then turned on my heel, walked right over to the other side of the bar and served a person there.

That shut them up, I can tell you.

I did serve them when they apologised. I thought/feared they might get aggressive, but they didn't.They apologised, and quietened down, very very quickly. They were politeness personified then...

OMG Chelsea 26
I cannot wait to use that one and I’ve already got a few guys in mind to use it on. Have had a horrible few days of people thinking that can walk all over me and push me around, this should take them down a peg or two - thank you.

Back in the days when I used to go clubbing, a friend and I were harassed by a few lads who wouldn't take no for an answer. One of them in particular was acting like he was god's gift and making on that he was a stud in bed. I'm not usually good at thinking of comebacks on the spot but from somewhere I heard myself say "sweetheart, the only way you're going to get laid tonight is if you crawl up a chicken's arse and wait."

outside local pub where i worked having a cheeky cig sat on a bench
guy shouted that bench looks uncomfy come over here love and sit on my face
not missing a beat i replyed by look of it love someone already has.

Very similar to stupidis - to a woman who called me a fat cow after I pulled her up for letting her dog run wild in the street nearly knocking me and my then 4 yr old over.

“Yeah, but in about 8 months when I’ve given birth to this baby I’ll be back to a size 10 - what’s your plan?”

Should say 8 weeks not months!

Having a bit of a time of it with the Inlaws as of late, and I've decided to stop letting stuff go said unnoticed.

Were taking ILs on holiday, to Florida for 2 weeks, MIL is awfully put out that she has to pay for her hotel the might before we fly- her insistence we stay at a hotel the night before. "Well were having breakfast in the morning, I dont suppose you could afford it!" ..."No not when I'm fucking paying for five adults to go to Disney."
(& dear readers- we took her for a breakfast by the same company not two weeks ago and paid for it!)

FIL also talking about the son he never had, and how lovely and proud he is, and he wishes DH was a bit more like him, well as long as you remember him when you need care, you'll be alright.

I'm not usually such a cow. Im fast approaching the end of my tether.

I've got a couple: I'd been really ill for months, lost so much weight I looked like a stick and as half my hair had fallen out, I decided to get it all lopped off. Short hair, no boobs. On the way to the corner shop, I passed two men, one of whom said 'Are you a boy or a girl?'. I replied 'Suck my cock and find out'.
My hair and boobs came back. Walking past a secondary school, a group of boys shouted out 'How much do you charge for a nosh off?'. I told them that I didn't accept free dinner tokens.

I must be quite androgenous-looking because when I had a short haircut I got mistaken for a boy and/or insulted all the time. It did upset me. One time a lad looked me up and down trying to figure me out, clearly realised I am female but wanted to mock me anyway, so asked with a nasty smirk, "Are you a girl?" I retorted, "Are you a moron?" And then when he looked at me speechless, said, "It's ok, that was a rhetorical question. Oh, that means you don't need to answer it".

I'm all for being the bigger person but it felt good to redress the insult balance on that occasion!

Place marking to read in the morning. Rocking thread!!

Usual fat one in the local pub.

Reply: 'Do remind me, which finishing school of charm an diplomacy did you attend?'

...silence.

I’m overweight and have had people make rude comments. I tell them they have NO IDEA how expensive it is and what hard work it is to maintain this figure!

@louisvootin - that’s brilliant :)

For close up comebacks you could use a complaints email address To get your point across.

For example - bloke comes up and says you look shit/fat/frumpy/alloftheabove and waits for you to wilt so he can feel powerful and dominating in his otherwise shit life :

Darling, email my complaints department on [email protected]

Endless possibilities for all occasions.

Some of these are brilliant. Others are just nasty.

I have nothing to add as I’m useless with comebacks and am of the try-not-to-cry type!

"Let's play a game of Fuck Off, you go first".

Save your breath mate, you’ll need it to blow up your girlfriend later!!

brilliant!

A game of fuck off!! 🤣 I love that!

Best one I ever heard was as a teenager, about 14, walking past a gang of men with my best mate. One of them shouted to her, "Oy darlin, what don't you come here and sit on my face". Quick as a flash she shouted back "Why, is your nose bigger than your dick?" and strutted off with her nose in the air while all his mates wet themselves laughing.

Not mine sadly but I witnessed it. Young woman on the bus eating crisps.
Schoolkid called her lardarse and his mate said 'you are what you eat'.
She looked up, said 'yeah, and you're a cock' and went right back to eating the crisps.
He went so red and his mates pissed themselves. Wish I'd come up with it.

My auntie is on the larger side, and one day a person told her she was fat. She turned round and said 'Well I'm not f***g anorexic, am I?' Lmao. She has accepted her size, although she is trying to lose a little, but I thought that was one of the best comebacks I have ever heard lol.

I was on holiday with friends and someone brought their new girlfriend, who kept making little digs at me in front of everyone then saying "it's a joke". I'd made scrambled eggs which she "joked" looked and smelled like sick on a plate just as I was about to start eating, so I said "the way to tell if something's a joke is if people are laughing. Nobody's laughing". Not exactly a zingy one-liner and I hate confrontation, so I was really nervous saying it, especially because I had to spend the next 3 days in a holiday cottage with her, but it did the trick.

I've got lots of kids close together and when they were little they used to attract a lot of attention and people often used to tell me "you need to get a tv love" so I would smile sweetly and say "oh we have a tv we just watch lots of porn".

The cricket example repeated above has got the wrong players to the version I heard. It was an Australian to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes in the version I heard.

Other great cricket sledges were:

Rodney Marsh: How are the wife and my kids?
Ian Botham: Wife is fine, but the kids are retarded.

Mark Waugh (Twin brother of the captain and best batsman): Who are you and how are you good enough to play for England?
Jimmy Ormond: At least I'm the best player in my family. (Cue rest of Australian team falling about laughing)

@troppibambini this made me laugh so much