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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a thank you?!

93 replies

crispysausagerolls · 08/07/2019 22:54

Went to a wedding a few months ago. 5 hour round trip which necessitated a hotel stay. Plus bought a very nice gift from their list.

Not so much as a thank you text, let alone a card. Nothing. How is this acceptable? AIBU to want a thank you?! And, if not, can I do anything about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 08/07/2019 22:55

Oh and when they came to my wedding they did not buy us a gift or even a card and I sent them a thank you card for attending

OP posts:
anothernamechange123 · 08/07/2019 22:56

Yabu
You don't give gifts to receive thank you.
I'm sure there was a 'thanks for coming' in the speeches.

What do you mean when you say is there anything you can do about it?

JustHereWithPopcorn · 08/07/2019 22:56

They sound rude! Don't be friends with them

Finfintytint · 08/07/2019 22:56

I’m from the era where I would religiously send out thank you cards but maybe it’s not the done thing anymore if they thanked you in person on the day ??

Ragwort · 08/07/2019 22:59

I agree with you but ‘good manners’ seem very old fashioned these days and so many people don’t bother to say ‘thank you’.

I am equally fed up with nieces & nephews/God children who can’t be bothered to send a thank you (letter/text/email whatever - I don’t mind) for a birthday gift sent in the post, I have no idea if they are received or not.

I would make my DS write thank you cards, or send an email, right up to his 18th birthday Grin.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 08/07/2019 23:00

Don't be friends with them

Alas, they are family!

I didn’t give a gift to be thanked, but I still expect to be thanked because it’s polite and I’ve gone to the trouble and expense of dragging my baby across the country to go to their wedding. A casual “thanks for coming” is very lazy.

OP posts:
Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 08/07/2019 23:01

Ragwort

Quite! A hand written thank you card is a wonderful thing. I always write them and, like you, will ensure DS does. And in a timely fashion!

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 08/07/2019 23:07

Extremely rude on their part. Manners don’t cost anything (have the posters who disagree lost sight of being well mannered)?

Fifthtimelucky · 08/07/2019 23:09

I agree that it's rude. A niece of mine had a baby recently and I ordered a present online and had it sent direct to her. I checked with her first that it would be useful and she seemed very keen on it. I told her when it was due to arrive and she said she'd let me know.

That was three weeks ago. I don't want to have to contact her to ask if it arrived, but I would like to know that it did!

sleepingbelvi · 08/07/2019 23:10

You don't give gifts to receive thank you.

Indeed. But only a twat wouldn't thank people for their wedding gifts anyway.

Friendofsadgirl · 08/07/2019 23:11

I think it is still acceptable to send wedding gift thank you cards up to three months after the event. Maybe it's still to arrive? [optimistic]

badb · 08/07/2019 23:20

How long ago was the wedding? Maybe give them a bit more time before writing off the friendship completely. It’s a while since I’ve been to a wedding but when I used to go to lots it was common to get a thank you card around four or five months later, even a bit longer.

It is rude not to send any thank you at all though, I agree. I would however be more forgiving for baby gifts. Honestly, the newborn period can be so overwhelming, and you never know what’s going on for a new mother. On my first baby, I struggled massively for months - dreadful time feeding, non-sleeping baby, awful pnd. It was an awful time. While I kept a very rigorous list of baby gifts received, I didn’t get around to sending thank you cards until almost her first birthday. I feel a bit ashamed of it, but honestly I was barely surviving daily life.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 08/07/2019 23:44

YANBU we debt thank you cards to everyone who came regardless of gifts, and just write a specific note to say thank you for any presents. We got married abroad (under 30 guests) then had a big (catered before active gets uppity) party back at home for everyone else. We sent them all cards. It took almost a month to get through them all and get them in the post, we did them in batches, but you say it's been several months, that's very impolite.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 08/07/2019 23:47

I will admit I didn't send thank you cards for baby gifts it was too much. I did profusely thank and hug anyone who brought a gift and called anyone who sent one. I also made sure to send photos of DS wearing/playing with things. With a message to say how much we or he loved it. I thought I'd send cards and had bought some, but I was just too shattered.

ASimpleLampoon · 09/07/2019 01:25

I am a person that is usually very anti cards but it takes a lot of effort and expense to attend a wedding and send a gift.

MadisonAvenue · 09/07/2019 01:45

YANBU. It’s rude.

We went to a wedding last July. It was a midweek one so that meant my husband using two days of his holiday allowance as it was 200 miles away and we had to book a hotel. We were obliged to go though as it was a close family member.

We gave them money towards their honeymoon, as requested, and a year on there’s been no word of thanks. Not even so much as a text or a Facebook post doing a mass thank you.

TwistyTop · 09/07/2019 02:00

YANBU, that's very rude of them. However there isn't anything you can do without coming across as petty and mean.

I'd just remember their behaviour for your own reference when dealing with them in the future.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 09/07/2019 06:15

Thank you everyone for opinions! The other thing I think is a little cheeky is that we contributed to their honeymoon as it was in their list and their “preferred gift” plus a bottle of champagne, and yesterday my Aunt told me they aren’t having a honeymoon! Is this normal? Is that just a line couples use to get cash?

OP posts:
hellodarkness · 09/07/2019 06:33

Well they came to your wedding and didn't buy you a gift, not even a small token, so there was your first clue that they don't understand, follow or give a shit about social etiquette, manners or your feelings.

If you're likely to see them at a family event, you could say something then. But I don't think they'll care. They'll say that they thanked people at the speeches, or they haven't got around to doing it yet, and they'll probably genuinely believe that YABU and old-fashioned for expecting anything different.

EileenAlanna · 09/07/2019 06:38

They're CFs. Shake the dust off your shoes & have nothing more to do with then.

StrumpersPlunkett · 09/07/2019 06:39

If they are family I would call and say hi to see how they are getting on.
Iwhikst on the phone I would just check that they received your gift as you know that in the busyness of the day things can get lost and as you haven’t heard you were worried.
Oh brilliant great that you got it. How is the honeymoon planning going as we wanted to be generous to send you somewhere lovely.

You may then hear that the boiler and car broke at the same time and sadly the honeymoon is a secondary priority to those things.

Pick up the phone and talk to them. Don’t stew about it.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 09/07/2019 06:41

I wouldn’t fret over what they are spending money on
Friend of mine took months to send thank you cards I think it may have been 6 months! usually it’s a photo of the wedding
Have you missed a text or group what’s up?
If not it’s rude but I’d shrug it off, if you must do something could mention something to bride/ groom along lines of “did you get my gift? I never heard anything?”

Riverside85 · 09/07/2019 06:41

Some people get personalised thank you cards made with one of the photos from the day on the front, in which case they have to wait for the photos back from the photographer which can take months.

Are they on social media at all? I often see Facebook posts saying thank you everyone who came to... etc.

NauseousMum · 09/07/2019 06:41

Did they not even thank you for coming to your face on the day?

Cards, I'm not surprised they may not be out yet- if they are doing at all. Most i know have been 6 months because professional pics have been used and a personal message so it's taken longer.

Given you received no card, present or anything for your wedding, I'm surprised you sent a gift. I would have left it at card. I wouldn't expect a thank you card from people who don't even bring a wedding card! Not very likely imo.

NauseousMum · 09/07/2019 06:44

Oh and on the lack of honeymoon, the same happened with friends. Turned out their landlord had to give them notice (days before wedding) because he needed to sell, so the honeymoon was cancelled. They moved instead and ended up never going due to pregnancy. So it's not neccessary a line.

Didn't you ask your aunt why they weren't going now?