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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a thank you?!

93 replies

crispysausagerolls · 08/07/2019 22:54

Went to a wedding a few months ago. 5 hour round trip which necessitated a hotel stay. Plus bought a very nice gift from their list.

Not so much as a thank you text, let alone a card. Nothing. How is this acceptable? AIBU to want a thank you?! And, if not, can I do anything about it?

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/07/2019 08:37

YANBU, but Theres not much you can do really. There's no much point forcing a "Thank you" out of someone, as it wouldn't be genuine then, would it.

EskewedBeef · 09/07/2019 08:37

Oh and when they came to my wedding they did not buy us a gift or even a card and I sent them a thank you card for attending

This is so unusual, to not give even a card when you go to a wedding, that I would wonder if they did in fact send something but it got mislaid. It could go some way to explain their poor manners.

Biancadelrioisback · 09/07/2019 08:39

Urgh, I had this recently too. The bride text me (I was friends with the groom) and she asked me to pass on thanks to my DH and mine and the groom's other mutual friends. No thanks to me though.
Cheeky cow.
I just responded with "you're very welcome" and like fuck did I pass on any thanks.

Pretendapony · 09/07/2019 08:53

I hate sending thank you cards and do it begrudgingly. If I give a gift and the person said thank you as they took it from me I would not expect another thank you in any form. They already said thanks, I don’t need them wasting paper sending me another thank you. We used our professional photos for the wedding thank you so they took a while to come through and then I found out I was pregnant and thought we’d announce it on the thank you cards too. So that delayed the thank you cards until 5 months after the wedding.

Halloumimuffin · 09/07/2019 08:58

Thank you cards still absolutely the done thing for weddings, the key part being that if you say 'thank you' at the wedding you have no idea what you're actually thanking them for - the thank you card is to acknowledge their actual gift!

I would try and give them the benefit of the doubt that a few months isn't out of the ordinary for people to manage to send them out, but based on the rest of your post I'd imagine they're just not bothering.

Starfish85 · 09/07/2019 08:59

"Is there anything I can do about it?"

Yes, unclench a little. YABU.

Some people send thank you cards and some people don't. I never get offended if I don't receive one. If they're nice people in life normally then I don't suddenly consider them rude for not sending them. Life is too short.

omione · 09/07/2019 09:01

When and if they have a child dont send anything other than a card

catsmother · 09/07/2019 09:13

I don't think a generic 'thanks for coming' in the speeches negates the courtesy of a proper thank you for a wedding gift. Assuming that you didn't place the gift into their hands, saw them open it and received proper thanks then - which would be very unusual at most weddings - then yes, I believe a written thank you should be sent. It feels very entitled and somewhat arrogant of the recipients not to do so - as if spending your money on them is a privilege!

However, thinking back on the 10 or 11 weddings I've been to over the past decade I'd say that perhaps a third never thanked me for gifts. And of those who did, at least a couple sent a very impersonal printed 'thank you' along the lines of an arty pic and a couple of lines of text such as ' thank you so much for your generosity and attendance at our special day which meant the world to us blah blah blah' which presumably went out to everyone and involved very little effort beyond stuffing the envelope and sticking the stamp on! No mention of the gift at all. Though marginally 'better' than nothing at all I suppose.

It does seem to be an increasing trend unfortunately. I guess that if kids aren't 'forced' to send thanks for birthday and Christmas presents, the adults they grow in to are more likely to dismiss the need to do so even when they're old enough to know better. And IME, this has been more likely to happen at the larger, more showy weddings I've been to. Maybe they think the 'experience' is your thanks Hmm

DinoGreen · 09/07/2019 09:28

Sadly it seems to be more and more common. Of the weddings I’ve been to in the last 5 years (quite a lot, as I’m early 30s so peak marriage time for friends!) more than half have sent no thanks or even an acknowledgement of the gift (which is usually money, because that’s what they ask for). One couple whose wedding we couldn’t go to because it was childfree, 5 hours or so drive away, and we didn’t feel comfortable leaving 6 month old DS for a long weekend at that age, we still sent a nice card and £50 towards their honeymoon, and got no acknowledgement whatsoever, I was pretty pissed off by that one tbh.

Shodan · 09/07/2019 09:31

I don't think anyone likes writing thank you cards. It's tedious, but that still doesn't excuse you from writing them.

I'd hazard a guess that the gifts were received eagerly enough. Just write the goddamn note and get it over with.

And- it would behove those brides and grooms who want and arrange a big fancy wedding to remember that if their guests didn't go to the trouble of showing up, suited and booted, bearing gifts, their big fancy wedding would be a bit shit. So a thank you for participating in their production is required.

BearRabbitPants · 09/07/2019 09:31

YANBU the day after our wedding last year DP and I opened cards / presents and I texted each guest one by one as we did so to thank them. Even if they just gave us a wedding card and no gift. Manners don't cost a thing and it's utterly rude that you were not thanked.

I don't do thank you cards- or Xmas cards- or any cards for anyone except DP & DC as I think they are very wasteful (end up in the bin) but I always text/WhatsApp/fb whatever!!! For any gift/card I receive.

Ragwort · 09/07/2019 09:58

The funniest thank you we received for a wedding gift was clearly written by the bride’s mum, it was so formal and in a stuffy style that I just knew the arty, hippy like bride had never written it Grin, that’s real laziness, delegating the writing of your thank your notes or perhaps the mother was embarrassed as she knew her DD & SIL would never get round to writing.

Shodan · 09/07/2019 10:11

I think they are very wasteful (end up in the bin)

That's actually quite a good point and would go a long way to excuse not sending a card or note.

An email, personal to each guest/giver, would be just as acceptable to most I think, with the possible exception of older guests, who would probably still appreciate a handwritten note.

Plus, an email reduces the time/cost for the bride and groom.

TheStuffedPenguin · 09/07/2019 10:21

I must be old school on this as I don't think a text or FB message is appropriate . I gave a gift to a friend's son ( wasn't at the wedding ) and never received a thanks in any form - think that is appalling .

catsmother · 09/07/2019 10:22

Yep ... nothing wrong with an email for all the reasons stated. It's the conveyance of thanks that's important. I wouldn't mind an email at all so long as it was personal.

MountPheasant · 09/07/2019 10:23

I’m also wondering how long ago the wedding was! We’ve just got our photos back 8 weeks later, which we wanted to use to make a card, so will be writing thank you cards this weekend!

ShanghaiDiva · 09/07/2019 10:30

YANBU - but nothing you can do about it. I think it's rude not to send a thank you note - email is also fine imo, or a phone call.

saraclara · 09/07/2019 10:35

I'd rather have a prompt, simple thank you note, then a fancy card months later. Who cares about the photo anyway?

For baby presents I cut some slack. My daughters might be in their 30s now, but I do remember that brain fog, and barely finding time to make myself a sandwich, never mind sit and write cards.

Nomorepies · 09/07/2019 12:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 09/07/2019 14:46

Thank you so much for all responses!!

Let me answer a few questions:

  1. according to my aunt; a honeymoon was never planned, and therefore I feel a bit lied to about why I gave them cash. If they wanted cash for cash, just ask for it! saying it’s for a honeymoon when it’s not is disingenuous.
  2. I would’ve been happy with a text message. Just ANY thanks - doesn’t have to be a card.
  3. they 100% didn’t get us anything for our wedding as when I asked what they wanted and he said 100£ towards honeymoon I jokingly said “you do know you didn’t get us a gift, do you?” And he said “oops” and laughed. So no miscommunication.
  4. they absolutely have the amount because it was done online via a service and the money has left our account.
  5. we actually had a shit time at their wedding. They told us our DS was invited and we brought him along but no high chair or food was provided for him and he ended up on my lap which he didn’t enjoy and couldn’t eat the adult food so had travel baby food (thank god i brought some) which kept him busy for all of 3 minutes as opposed to the 45 mins he would’ve happily spent in a high chair playing with pasta. No issues with child free weddings as ours was; but don’t include children to not cater to them or make provisions because it becomes a nightmare, especially after you’ve taken them all that way.
  6. I am not suggestion I sanction them lol i am wondering if I can mention it without looking like a bellend.

I take the points about cards taking a while longer perhaps as the wedding was the beginning of May - this hadn’t occurred to me.

I’m pleased to see that the majority of people on here understand me. Maybe I need to “unclench” or I am “rude” for expecting it; but I just hate lack of manners in this way.

OP posts:
victorioussponges · 09/07/2019 14:56

I'd give it a little longer before writing off a thank you if the wedding was only at the beginning of May. We have received quite a few cards several months after the event - often where the couples wanted to use photos from the day and it took a while to get them finalised.

thecatsthecats · 09/07/2019 15:00

If you were at my wedding, I can only apologise. You're on my husband's card list though.

Should be in the post by the eleventy fifth of Neveruary.

DuesToTheDirt · 09/07/2019 15:01

3) they 100% didn’t get us anything for our wedding as when I asked what they wanted and he said 100£ towards honeymoon I jokingly said “you do know you didn’t get us a gift, do you?” And he said “oops” and laughed. So no miscommunication.

Wow, how cheeky is that. They'd have got sweet FA from me.

MindyStClaire · 09/07/2019 15:10

Too early to be annoyed. I think the etiquette is that you have a year from the wedding to send the thank you cards. It can easily take six months with waiting for the photos etc.

And did you not ask for a high chair? Unless it was catered in their house, surely the venue could find one?

NauseousMum · 09/07/2019 15:10

In light of 1, 2, 3 and 5 they sound like knobs. Especially 3.

I wouldn't expect a card forthcoming from these guys.