How many women has this happened to (maybe triggering?)

[Mad8NR1]

I've just watched Dark Money on BBC1 and it's left me wondering. V different circumstances but it did bring up some stuff.

I started having sex much sooner than I should have, when I was 14. With much older men. Several men over the years between 14 and 18, not loads. Some were 18, some in their late twenties (when I was 14).

At the time I thought I was being very grown up, but I was also very uncomfortable with it at the same time.

I had a mental health crisis a year or so before this started so was quite shakey in the world. I was absent from school due to this for over a year and in that time my parents tried to encourage me to do things I was interested in. That meant theatres and music. I was given more freedom than a child that age should be, I think because my parents were frightened of stopping me doing things I had some enthusiasm for. I don't blame them, though I do think they should have had a tighter grasp of things. They did their best in a tough situation.

The men I was involved with were all theatre/music people. They all knew each other in some way. Some of them were known to my family, though not that well. Others not. None of them have gone on to be famous or anything, but one or two are very succesful in other fields.

Some were more coersive and manipulative than others. One tried to get me to be in a (dodgy) film. Topless. To which I said no.

Over the years I've come to understand that I was quite vulnerable and they probably took more advantage than I realised at the time. And I know what the law would say. But I've always felt iffy about how to label these 'relationships' (if you can call them that).

It led to a lot of problems for me and further mental health issues. I felt shame and guilt and a distorted sense of who I was as a person, where my value and self worth lay. It still does to an extent. Luckilly I am married to a wonderful, gentle, respectful man of integrity who I met over a decade later and is the only person who knows about any of this stuff.

And it just made me wonder, how common is this?

Sorry if I upset anyone. I'm still trying to unpack it all I guess. I've had psychological help for other things over the years and it's touched on this but never fully explored it.

Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long post.

Another similar story here op. Bullied constantly at high school so when an 20 year old (so he said looking back ide say nearer 30) with a car wanted to take 14 year old me out I was thrilled and hoped to make all the nasty girls jealous.
I also didn't want to look like a child so back at his flat ide smoke the funny smelling cigarettes and drink the nasty drinks and go into the bedroom with him then allow his friends to come in afterwards.
I thought I was so cool and doing grown up things but in reality I was a lost sad little girl who needed help.
Sadly that certainly wasn't the only time and I know others who were sleeping with married men the lot.

I don't blame the teenage me.
I blame the grown ass adult men for taking advantage and being the trusting adult I needed.
They manipulated me for their own gains. I am a survivor and none of my horrific sexual experiences will beat me.

Just had a flashback to being 14 on holiday in Spain (circa early 90s).

Tall, skinny, no breasts. Sister of 13 who was the same. Single mum.

My mum went very quiet at dinner in the hotel restaurant. We asked what was wrong. Eventually she admitted she’d heard a man of about 50 talk about me and my sister and how ‘ripe’ we were. She was so distressed. We were creeped out but thought she was being over protective .

She wasn’t.

Not just you, this was quite prevalent in my secondary school. I was friends with a girl who had slept with a fair few men before she turned 16 and I didn’t use the term men by accident. She did lie about her age but she definitely looked underage, they must’ve known...

Fair few girls did similar. In fact I remember one girl had her ‘older boyfriend’ collect her from school in his car. They just felt mature and cool at the time but it’s so grim looking back.

I can remember being 12 and having interest from grown men and my mum was quite proud I think she took it as I was pretty!
I lost my virginity at 14 to a 36 year old man who was in a position of authority and who groomed me for almost 12 months leading up to it.
My parents found out shortly after as I was seeing him regularly, I was totally in love with him so sneaked off any chance I got. My older brother initiated calling the police who attended and interviewed me but told my parents that as I'd consented there wasn't much they could do! This is 23 years ago. My parents were in the middle of splitting up and I carried on seeing him, no one seemed to really try to stop me. Then I moved in with him before I was even 16. As soon as I turned 16 he lost interest in me. I was stuck then, my mum had quickly moved on with someone else and I didn't feel I could move back home. Looking back I'm so angry really that my parents didn't do more to keep me safe. That man took advantage of me and used me, I remember thinking that he just fell in love with me so age didn't matter, and no one seemed particularly outraged, even his own family just accepted me. It all seems really strange. If anyone was sniffing round any of my children I would murder them.

Happened much the same with me. My first boyfriend (who was married, I mean WTAF) when I was 16. He used to come over for dinner with my parents! My parents let me go go night clubs at 14!

I agree with the person who said my parents and others were of the generation of “free love” they had almost Edwardian parents and my dad has even said to me before that he never wanted to tell me I couldn’t be with someone as his parents had to him.

The sad thing is the predators don’t stop. It’s just the girls being more protected. And I imagine those that aren’t protected and in very similar situations even now.

And my parents were very lefty liberal arts types too. I think they’re a bit of a breed

Same here OP. I was involved in a sport which I competed in and this meant lots of time away with other older men. I cannot count the number of men who either did or tried to take advantage. And being older now I realise that some were married with young children and it makes me sick to my stomach. Yes I flirted, Yes I enjoyed the attention as I was neglected by parents and not a good looking kid so very low self esteem. But I was still a child and I was plied with copious amounts of alcohol. Too young and vulnerable to make these sorts of decisions and these upstanding members of the community took advantage and got away with it. that's what scares me.

I feel very sad for my younger self. Some of the degrading things I did shock me to the core.
It has most certainly coloured my sense of self even now. But that’s possibly also linked to my generally shit “cool” parents.

Same here OP, also add in abuse from male family members so really damaged by that. Them married (abusive) bf, who then turned into the worst sort of nightmare with coercive control, emotional, sexual and eventually physical abuse. Have been married to a good man (current DH) for nearly 40 years but all that earlier abuse really fucked me up and it's only in the last few years I've faced up to it all and had extensive councelling for the c ptsd I have been left with.
I urge you to seek help and also do the Freedom Programme as its really really helpful, even for things that happened long ago.
Best wishes x

I experienced similar to others here. Went from a very skinny nerdy girl that everyone ignored to a rebellious teen quickly. I thought I was in charge, thought I was grown and thought I knew what I wanted. It took me until I had my DD to realise just how vulnerable and naive I was. Took me years to realise a much older family friend molesting me was the trigger to my attitude change and defiance. I thought I was confident but really I was scared. I left home at 14 and protected the guy (the molester) I lost my virginity (at 13) to until I became a parent. I struggled financially and relied on older men to buy me essentials. My parents told me not to try to collect benefits as they were claiming my child benefit money still and gave me £20 a month from it. The guy I rented a room from also took advantage.

I've struggled with blaming myself, had to deal with the realisation that my parents were never equipped to protect me and will never see any issue with their lack of action. I've also had to realise I needed protecting but no one did. This led to low self worth. I now suffer from imposter syndrome causing OCD and anxiety. I am fiercely protective of DC, my biggest fear is not being able to protect them. I also see the world very differently due to my past and struggle to view things objectively. While it was happening I was fine but its only years later that the true feelings have finally caught up with me.

Pretty common in my circle of friends too.

Young teenagers in the Mid 90's

Remember once being taken by my friend to "meet" one of her BF's mates at someone else's house (We were 13, older guys were early 20's). Guy I went to meet was gorgeous. We all had a drink, some spilffs and then friend went off to have sex with her BF and left me alone with this older guy.

I'd told my folks I was staying at my mates, would have got in a whole heap of trouble if I rocked up home, drunk, so late at night .....so I decided to stay, went to bed with this older guy and he sensed I was totally uncomfortable so it never went beyond kissing and a bit of foreplay.

Guy wasn't pleasant or a gentleman (he called me a cocktease after trying to cajole me I to sex for an hour etc...) but thankfully he wasn't a rapist as I was literally there, in a bed for the taking, with no-one to help me. Thankfully this guy got pissed off and left after being a bit aggressive no longer about sex though

Still engaged in some risky behaviour after this...but compared to some in this thread, I was very lucky.

The stories here, even with my own baggage, make my blood boil. And to think we're all walking around, doing jobs, raising kids and paying our bills as best we can, often with little or no support for what we've been through. We're all fucking amazing!

Don't get me wrong, it's taken it's toll and I certainly have my vices and darker days. But blimey are women tough.

Imagine what we all might have achieved on top of whatever achievements we have under our belts if we didn't have the burden of this to bare.

My mum is dead now and though I'm not glad about that I am relieved in a way that going over any of this with her isn't an option. I don't know how it would have affected our relationship if I'd come to this realisation while she was alive. My dad is still around but he's a bit broken already so I could never ask him to face it and, I suspect he was less comfortable and in control of the situation than my mother was.

Once I tried to leave a man 14 years older than me who I had moved in with when I was 16. My parents weren't happy but let it happen. I remember my mum telling my Dad "Keep a cool head and if she needs to she'll come back. Fly off the handle and you'll blow it.".
I tried to come back. He was financially abusive and I discovered was seeing prostitutes while we were living together. I was 17/18 by then. I went back to my parents. I got home one day and he'd called them. They invited him round for a cuppa and he was sat in the kitchen when I arrived. I went back to him for a few months because I didn't have the strength to leave on my own.

Lots of girls at my school had relationships with older boys at school or boys outside of school. I say boys because they certainly weren't men!
This was from ages of 14,15,16 it's unfortunately very common for young girls and older guys.

A friend moved in with and married a family friend twice her age shortly after we left school (mid 90s). We lost touch when I went away to uni but it seemed like a strange thing for her to do at the time. I wonder now if it had been going on for a lot longer, while we were at school.

Another friend (I met as an adult) was definitely groomed by his male art teacher. I don't think things went as far as sex but it was not far off. He didn't realise the enormity of it till his thirties.

If it helps, our eldest has just been learning about grooming today at secondary school, in all its forms (online, real life etc). I think our children will be more aware than we were, but I know it'll still happen to some.

Does this not happen these days?

I admit when I was a teenager the older men (in their teens and 20s) who hung round the local pubs (in dead end jobs and/or petty criminals) were infinitely more exciting to me than the 14/15 year old boys my own age who had no money, no car etc.

My DM had no idea what I was up to in pubs, there was never any ID'ing for alcohol in pubs so I was left to drink and get myself into lots of situations. There was an older sister of one of the men I knew who was in her 20s who did try to 'keep an eye out' for us two younger girls (14/15) but she could only do so much.

It's so awful that so many people have been through very similar experiences.

I met my first boyfriend when I was 14 (he was a friend of my friends older brother). He was 27 and I was 14 when we first had sex. I consented. I really thought we were in love though, but the weeks leading up to us "doing it" he'd buy me alcopops, cigarettes and phone top-ups each time we saw one another. I guess looking back now it was grooming. I was a young 14 year old.

It's probably only the last 4-5 years that when I think of it I feel really angry at him. I had an awful relationship with my parents from 14-16 because we argued so much about him. I always stuck up for him. God I hate him so much. Sorry Mum and Dad.

Any man who has sex with a girl under the age of legal consent has raped a child. That is the bare bones of this whole thread. No ifs. No buts. These child rapists should be prosecuted with the full force of the law (no matter how long ago it was) so that other children can be protected.

He was 27 and I was 14 when we first had sex. I consented.

Not true. You were a child therefore incapable of consenting.

@StephanieSJW
As much as I agree. Life just doesn’t work like that.
The best anyone can do is protect themselves

Life just doesn’t work like that

What does that even mean? There are injustices and there are crimes. They will only continue while me make excuses for them.

OP I hope this is of comfort to you....we teach kids very explicitly from aged 11 that this is sexual grooming. Kids these days are incredibly disapproving of anyone trying to have a relationship of a girl even slightly younger than them. They rightly see this behaviour for what it is...abuse...and peer group pressure makes it far less common. Glad you found a nice man. Nope it was not ok....it was common because people got away with it, it was NOT OK xxxx

I was 13 and sleeping with a 26ish year old man.
He also made (not with physical force but manipulation) me sleep with 3 of his friends including a threesome (during which I wasn’t listened to and forced to do things I expressly said I didn’t want to do) one of these friends was over 40 but I don’t remember the others ages. Certainly adults though.

When I got pregnant he pretty much ghosted me, I was heartbroken but it was for the best. I later miscarried and realise it’s good he left my life when he did, though there were certainly more predators to take his place.
My upbringing was rough, very rough. I’d say I was dragged up by my neck and a lot of things I did (not just sexual) I now see could’ve ended much worse than they did. I did many risky things, take drugs I didn’t know anything about, got in the car with drunk drivers etc etc.
This also wasn’t that long ago (less than 10 years) I am in my twenties. I’m sure it still happens. My life is better now and I don’t think of those 2-3 years (mostly age 13-16) much.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone defend sleeping with much older men (say 18-20+ to an underage girl) on MN but if I did I’d be horrified.

I was 15, he was 20 and I met him in a pub. I lied about my age ('of course I'm 18'), and I'd already had a couple of drinks. Slept with him, (I instigated it), and the next morning my bf told him my real age. He was absol utely livid, disgusted with himself, and told my friend and I to get out of his home. Never seen him again.
Only really thought about this now I'm older and a parent. I always looked older, could get served with no id, and since I was drinking i guess he assumed i was of legal age.
Im in no way sympathizing with any person who preys or takes advantage.

My older brother initiated calling the police who attended and interviewed me but told my parents that as I'd consented there wasn't much they could do

I'm glad at least one person (your older brother) was trying his best to protect you. But what the police told you is utter bullshit.

You were a child. It is IMPOSSIBLE for a child to consent to sex in exactly the same way that it is impossible for an inebriated or incapacitated person to give consent.

You should be able to sue the police force that told you this crap.

I've always felt iffy about how to label these 'relationships' (if you can call them that).

Haven't read thread yet, but I have some thoughts on this, OP.

I'm totally projecting here, because I've a notion this might resonate, but if it doesn't, feel free to dismiss.

You know you were a child, you know you were taken advantage of, you know the law deems you were unable to consent - and yet at the time you felt you were consenting. This dissonance is almost impossible to resolve; I experienced it as overwhelming and enduring shame.

Our cultural understanding of consent in sexual situations often doesn't describe girls' and women's experiences adequately.

I suspect it would help a great many of us if society shifted some of the focus away from 'enthusiastic consent' (which for me as a sexual abuse survivor translated to a requirement to put on a more pornified performance) and started thinking about informed consent.

You could not give informed consent, because you had not been sufficiently informed of the predatory nature of these men, or of the potential future risk to your mental health. Your consent was in fact actively misinformed, by the world around you and by the men themselves.

Once I realised this, all my shame dissolved, and now I can refer to my abuser as just that, without feeling iffy about it.

Tyrotoxicity that is such a brilliant analysis and great advice.

I've read about and discussed the notion of informed consent and problems with the term enthusiastic in my work with young people but never applied it to my younger self.

Thank you. A big, heart felt thank you.