How many women has this happened to (maybe triggering?)

[Mad8NR1]

I've just watched Dark Money on BBC1 and it's left me wondering. V different circumstances but it did bring up some stuff.

I started having sex much sooner than I should have, when I was 14. With much older men. Several men over the years between 14 and 18, not loads. Some were 18, some in their late twenties (when I was 14).

At the time I thought I was being very grown up, but I was also very uncomfortable with it at the same time.

I had a mental health crisis a year or so before this started so was quite shakey in the world. I was absent from school due to this for over a year and in that time my parents tried to encourage me to do things I was interested in. That meant theatres and music. I was given more freedom than a child that age should be, I think because my parents were frightened of stopping me doing things I had some enthusiasm for. I don't blame them, though I do think they should have had a tighter grasp of things. They did their best in a tough situation.

The men I was involved with were all theatre/music people. They all knew each other in some way. Some of them were known to my family, though not that well. Others not. None of them have gone on to be famous or anything, but one or two are very succesful in other fields.

Some were more coersive and manipulative than others. One tried to get me to be in a (dodgy) film. Topless. To which I said no.

Over the years I've come to understand that I was quite vulnerable and they probably took more advantage than I realised at the time. And I know what the law would say. But I've always felt iffy about how to label these 'relationships' (if you can call them that).

It led to a lot of problems for me and further mental health issues. I felt shame and guilt and a distorted sense of who I was as a person, where my value and self worth lay. It still does to an extent. Luckilly I am married to a wonderful, gentle, respectful man of integrity who I met over a decade later and is the only person who knows about any of this stuff.

And it just made me wonder, how common is this?

Sorry if I upset anyone. I'm still trying to unpack it all I guess. I've had psychological help for other things over the years and it's touched on this but never fully explored it.

Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long post.

These men are criminals. The parents are ignorant and perhaps ineffectual but once the child has been groomed and thinks that this guy is her boyfriend, can the parents stop it from happening?

It is very very difficult for the parents once the child has been groomed (though I do remember my dad - the most mild mannered, gentle man you could imagine - grabbing one of DSis's boyfriends by the scruff of the neck and seat of the pants and physically throwing him out of the house).

This is such a sad thread. Please if anyone is feeling shame from these kind of experiences, do get support. You are not to blame. The kind of men who do this are too immature themselves, or afraid of women who are their own age, who are less easy to manipulate or impress.

I had next to no sex education, it was a forbidden subject in our household, and school was all about sexual diseases and pregnancy, with nothing at all about relationships. I was extremely naive, and very lucky not to have got in similar situations when a mid-teen (I struggled with confidence and being social situations at the time, so only hung out with other, similar female friends).

But I did have a couple of very uncomfortable situations in my late teens, and an attempted rape that affected me for years and years - I felt such shame for 'allowing' myself to get into a dangerous situation, and thought it was something to do with me (was blamed by family members for being stupid) - rather than much later realising that similar had happened to so many friends, and actually I hadn't done anything wrong. It affected my MH very badly at the time, and I wish there had been the #MeToo earlier, because I think that would have made all the difference.

At school I knew a couple of girls who were 'in relationships' with much older men, which now makes me feel sick. At the time, I remember one of them having a pregnancy scare aged 17. To teenage me, they seemed really mature and cool to be dating older guys.

Now, I am bringing up my daughter the exact opposite - to (hopefully) feel confident in saying 'no' (or 'yes'), to trust her gut instincts, and we've talked a lot about consent in relation to relationships, so that at least she can recognise when something is not positive, and when it is.

I know that can't protect her from predators at the end of the day as it is 100% their actions and fault, but more than anything I don't want her having to battle mental health issues triggered by some entitled ***'s abusive behaviour.

I hope that nowadays there is much more education to support young people, and that #MeToo has made potential abusers realise they won't be allowed to get away with things. It's shone a light on them.

Much support to op and others here. You're definitely not alone and you're not to blame at all. Teenagers are still children. The brain doesn't develop fully for another few years, and so it's adults who are responsible, not them.

This is a sad thread.
I didn't have anything like this happen to me but I had a few older guys try it in including someone I babysat for and a teacher. I thought it was funny at the time and a bit creepy. In retrospect I just find it creepy.

I've adult kids and I know my sons found it creepy when friends dated anyone more than a year or so younger then them as teens. They were creeped out by a 19 year old friend dating a 16 year old - I thought that was interesting although obviously in a very different league to some of the experiences on this thread.

This definitely strikes a chord with me too. I had v low self-esteem as a teenager (fat, ugly, nerdy) and so saw it as a success if anyone was interested in me. Had a 24yo try to have sex with me when I was 12. And I didn't look older than my age at all. I ended up in a very vulnerable position and looking back was lucky to escape being raped.

I think, as PP have said, one of the horrifying things is how normalised this all was. My father encouraged me to go out for the evening with this man when I was still only a child, and my mother said nothing either. I'm not sure what they thought would or could happen, but now I have a 12yo DD, it saddens me that they had so little regard for me.

I don't dwell on the fact that I made really bad choices through my teens (lost my virginity to a stranger in his late 20's when I was still at school, slept around generally) and that there were some horribly predatory men involved. I'm lucky that it hasn't affected me going forward.

I will, however, make damn sure that my kids know their worth, what is acceptable from others and what to expect from a relationship.

It’s a very difficult age, 14, for girls, isn’t it. One the one hand, they’re physically and sexually mature, with all the hormones and mating urge that entails, but on the other they’re emotionally very immature, naive, and at risk of abuse.
It requires very careful feminist parenting, to prepare girls for this stage. To ensure their self esteem is secure, that they can spot
predators, and that they have a safe outlet for sexual feelings. Providing good sex education is vital- not just about consent, contraception and boundaries, but also removing guilt and myths around masturbation. And encouraging more age appropriate relationships with teen boyfriends, rather than older men.
Although these days, when teen boys are raised on a diet of violent misogynist porn, even that may not be risk free. I’m glad my DDs are now pushing 30 - I think parenting was easier back then!

OP - not sure about the arts back then but I do know a male art teacher in our secondary school who used to date school girls and make sexually rude comments to them. He was complained about but of course not much done.

My MIL was 14 when FIL set his eyes on her, he was a divorced 24 year old. He still has the power in that relationship and my MIL seems like a fourteen year old trapped in an older woman’s body. She isn’t allowed to cut her hair (it’s long and ageing) and giggles like a teenager when around FIL and other men.

At school I remember a 12 year old girl who was off the rails, dressed and acted in a highly sexualised manner- her ‘boyfriend’ was 27 and would pick her up from school to have sex with her during the day. One day she stopped coming into school, I don’t know what happened to her. She was labelled a slut by all and sundry, but she was only 12. My son is 12 and still a little boy in my eyes....

I had several friends with boyfriends who would pick them up from school! One girl was frequently left with her Mothers best friend (a man in his thirties) whilst her Mother went on long holidays with her new boyfriend. Her Mother’s friend started having sex with her when she was 14. She was a stunningly beautiful girl and this ‘friend’ of her Mums was a very attractive man and he spoiled her with gifts. He was controlling though. Her Dad found out that her Mum was leaving her with this guy and hit the roof, she went to stay with him and her boyfriend was still trying to manipulate her from afar. Thankfully she developed friendships with boys her own age and dumped the older man.

As a teenager, I myself was in situations where older men were demanding sex/ that I go home with them and boyfriends of older friends of mine had to intervene. I was very lucky to escape those situations. I am autistic and was very vulnerable and naive to the impact of my behaviour. By sheer miracle I actually held onto my virginity until I met DH at age 20. However, I recognise that I was lucky to have a group of good men around me who saw me as a little sister and protected me when I found myself in scary situations!

TheCatThatDanced we had one like that, he has retired to Thailand now

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser - I have no idea where this one has gone - but he must have been at a guess 30s/40s - not married!

Honestly he should have been convicted of being a paedophile!

I do think some members of staff were 'concerned' but you know what it was like in the 80s - lots went on and lots of girls and boys were taken advantage of.

Almost lost my virginity to a19 year old when I was 12. Again, same guy when I was 13. I thought I was cool and grown up, but looking back it makes me feel sick. I still had a child's body.

Name changed for this. Thank you for starting this thread. Up until coming across this this morning I have never actually thought about my teenage years, I would have said I went out a lot and enjoyed attention from older men but that I was happy. Reading other people’s experiences has made me look back without the rose tinted glasses. At the age of 14/15 I went out and slept with men in their late 20s. One man picked me up in his car told me he wanted me to do some modelling. He had sex with me in his car, he was vile, I refused to kiss him and I remember wanting to cry. Afterwards he dropped me off and gave me £50, I took it.

I regularly went to a local pub and made friends with a man in his mid 30s. Up until today I was adamant we were just friends. He used to come shopping with me or for a walk. On reflection why on earth would a 30 odd year old man want to hang around with a 15 year old child?!

On another occasion I met a man who was a science teacher at a local secondary school. We kissed and he took me back to his house, I panicked and left.

I went on to have a brief relationship with a man in his late 20s who lived in a hostel. He would jump taxis to take me to his friends house to have sex with me.

I could go on, there were so many occasions and I have never thought about them until now. I’m in my early 30s and have children approaching this age.

My early childhood was wonderful but honestly in my teens my parents split up and were too preoccupied with their own lives. I moved about and didn’t really belong. We were a very typical middle class family I went to a private school and never went without anything.

I met someone more my own age at 16 and then met someone else and was pregnant at 17. I cheated on both of them, lastly with my now DH. We’ve been together for 13 years. I have a good job, a beautiful house, a wonderful husband and 4 happy secure DC. I do however have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and a need to be constantly on the go.

Sorry for the long post, I honestly have no idea what to do now with my sudden realisation.

Whensomeonewalkspast please find a counsellor who specialises in abuse; the constantly needing to be busy and problems with alcohol suggest that you could benefit from it. There's nothing wrong with you and everything wrong with the predators. But it might help you to work through what you went through.

This didn't happen to me so I feel a bit crass for posting but couldn't read and leave without posting and a thank you for telling your stories.

I think there’s are far more men like this around then we’d like to believe.

I was sexually abused as a very young child (toddler - 7ish) and it really messed up how I saw men and my relationship with them.

I didn’t have sex with older men, except one, he was 37, I was 16, he filmed it without my consent. Like most others, at the time I thought I was completely in control, but now it’s HIS actions that disgust me. But what troubles me more is the amount of attention I got from older men, especially as I always looked very young for my age.

The uncles friend asking me when I was about 11 if I knew how to put a condom on, which my uncle found hillarious. The man at a family party who was trying to get me to sit on his lap and wouldn’t leave me along when I was about 12.

The amount of cat calling, following, random groping or inappropriate comments from older men that started from about the age of 11.
My friend at school who also had a messed up childhood and would go out to bars and clubs at about 13 or 14, learnt that if you told older men you were a virgin, they’d be more turned on.

This is a major problem, it’s not just the odd guy who is attracted to young girls, there’s a huge, huge portion of them.

This happened to friends of mine at school. Friend A was getting married at 16, pretty much as soon after her birthday as it could be arranged. He was in his twenties. She was absolutely convinced this was right for her and we couldn't talk to her about it without her getting very defensive.
Friend B was groomed by one of his mates. She was coerced into having sex while she had a broken pelvis, and she had an abortion before she was 16.
I used to attract adult men with different interests, as I was a late developer and looked like a boy.

This didn’t happen to me thank god but I want to say thank you to all those of you who have bravely shared your stories. I hope you continue on your journeys to healthy recovery.
Lots of talk about raising our daughters to deal with this better on this thread. But what about sons? Surely if boys were raised to treat women and girls better, this abuse wouldn’t happen? I notice all the time that parents of boys let their sons get away with tiny ‘entitlement’ behaviours ALL THE TIME. He pushes in, jumps the queue, shouts out the answer, grabs the last cake (or the first) on the plate, hogs the swings, throws the gravel, and all the time, parents (and teachers) allow it and often smile and shrug ‘boys will be boys’. Girls are not raised the same: far more social sanctions are applied. We teach girls to share, let others go first, put others comfort first.

I'm in my early 50s and attended a girls' Convent school. Sounds good, but it was a comprehensive in a deprived part of London.

These things didn't happen to me, but I do remember it happening to others, including a 14 year old having a relationship with a teacher. I remember in my 1st year secondary, a girl having a much older boyfriend, it was that long ago I can't remember how old but was definitely at least 17/18.

While slightly different in that it was over the age of consent, when I was in 6th form,. there were several girls with boyfriends in their late 20s so about 12 years older. Legal, but dodgy imo.

I was a teenager in the late 90s, early 00s. Many girls I went to school with had much older boyfriends. Noone was interested in boys our own age. They (myself included) loved the attention and thought it made them look cool.
There were also groups of Asian men taxi drivers around our area who girls would flock to. A couple of girls in my class got pregnant by them.
I really don't know what its like for teenagers now, I hope its better, I'd like to think its better. I have a daughter, not a teenager yet. Her father and I are already worrying about things she may have to contend with as she gets older. It's a very sad world

Not quite the same, but I was groomed by a much older man when I was 14/15.

I was a messed up kid. I was bullied because my disability at school, plus I always felt awkward because for some reason, which I later found out was me being a lesbian, I wasn’t interested in boys, which singled me out further. I took up playing guitar, which was something I’d been nagging my parents about for years.

The guitar teacher was a much older man. Nowadays I’d clock him as a creepy predatory fucker straight off the bat, but I was young, naive, and desperate to feel worthy of someone or something. He groomed my entire family. He’d sit and chat to my parents and struck up a decent relationship with my mum at least, although I don’t think my dad was so keen. My mum admired him, as did I, because he was a good guitar player, and my mum is one of these people who feels she gains status from being friendly with others she sees as having it. I kind of idolised him I think, and in my confusion managed to mistake it for attraction, even though the thought of actually doing anything with him made me feel deeply uncomfortable.

Anyway, as I got closer to 16 he started inviting me to his flat for guitar lessons, although no guitar playing actually happened. Also he’d turn up at my house when my parents were away at the caravan, which was most weekends so I was home alone. He’d bring beer and curry and we’d sit and chat. One time he made a cryptic comment about waiting until I was 16 before doing anything. I was so naive I had no idea what he was on about.

This went on for a while during the run up to my 16th birthday and my dad got a bit uncomfortable. After one such occasion of him inviting me to his, and plying me with wine, which I didn’t finish, not that it would have mattered if it had been spiked, my dad called him and told him if he came near me again he’d better watch himself. He was deadly serious and I knew exactly would happen if the guitar teacher ignored him. I was furious, in my innocence, but he never came near me again and I forgot about it for years.

It’s only been in the last year or so that it’s come back to me, and I feel sick at what might have happened if it wasn’t for my dad. I had thought grooming was something that happened to other girls on the news and it pulled me up sharp when I realised that it was exactly what had happened to me. I talked about it to my mother a couple of months ago and she really didn’t get it at all. She said it all looked innocent to her. Thank god for my dad eh? I guess he’s a man so knows what men can be like. If it wasn’t for him then god knows what might have happened to me. I’m lucky to have had a father who was looking out for me, I know many, countless other girls and women do not, or did not have the same.

He was a shit guitar teacher as well tbh. I taught myself more in that time than he taught me.

Yes I have barely ever spoken about it but I was in a mainly sexual relationship with a 19yo when I was 15. I was a young 15, very naive and definitely lonely and vulnerable and suffering some parental neglect and mental health issues. He discarded me after about a year. I never saw it as abuse at the time but now I really do especially now I have a daughter and a 15yo brother. It was too young and the dynamic was so wrong. It really coloured all my relationships into my 20s and I eventually got pregnant to an absolute jerk when I was 25 who then left me. I had a lot of therapy then met dh at 30. I’m ok now have often thought about contacting the guy on Facebook and confronting but I never have.. I don’t know what I’d say. It’s good to be honest though.

I was at school in the seventies and this wasn't that rare. It didn't happen to me but a fair few of my friends were sexually active very early. A lad I knew lost his virginity when he was 11 to a 14yo girl.

The men involved in this are disgusting. They know exactly what they are doing but it's worth the risk I guess. The chances of a sucessful prosecution are almost nil I imagine.
I had a DP and he told me that he had been given 'access' to a girl of 13 in a village he was doing some work in by her grandmother. I questioned it because I couldn't quite believe my ears. He told me a lot of detail. I believed him. I left him that night.

This makes very sad reading.
My experience is second hand and a bit different .
At high school in the early 70s in second year ( so we were 12/13) several of my girlfriends actively pursued sexual relationships with men .
The girls were predatory towards the men.
I'm not making this up.

What's more my friends were very proud of themselves for having sex. Like it was something to boast about.

They did not feel in the least taken advantage of , and still don't to this day.

I remember being constantly hit on by older men on my teenage years. I was obviously very young, but developed large breasts quite early. Men in their late teens (18/19) up to their early 30s would harass me/ try to get me to go out with them from the age of 13. Looking back it was incredibly predatory. But i kept being told I should be flattered by the attention.

This is the '90s.