Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell young male work colleague...

124 replies

dinoslippers · 08/07/2019 21:44

To stop with the sexual innuendos as they're making me uncomfortable. I don't know how is best to handle this situation, small office, no hr based on site and line manager is a bit wank in all honesty and never around to hear anything.

He is 20 and has an awful professional manner, which I think is why I guess I'm holding back because a part of me keeps telling myself it's his first proper job, he's young don't be too harsh etc.

But the other part of me thinks fuck him, he shouldn't be in a professional environment if he can't behave accordingly. Few examples...

Mentions his "large" penis several times in a serious way Confused
Shut the door on the small storage room I was in and blocked my exit saying "you're mine hahaha". I actually panicked and felt fucking terrified for a split second.
I was mumbling to myself about something that had gone wrong and when he asked me I said "oh nothing I'm just moaning"....his response was oh you're moaning, well don't let me stop you followed with actual sex noises and well I don't mind hearing that.

It's making me so fucking uncomfortable, I have to refrain from throwing the printer in his fucking face every time I see the creep.

It's hard to explain but the lingering smirks and looks are just fucking odd. He stands in my personal space at every opportunity.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 09/07/2019 03:06

Make sure nobody is around and tell this roach to grow the fuck up and leave you alone.

marylou1977 · 09/07/2019 03:52

@wallahi. What’s wrong with you. OP feels backed in a corner, is being sexually harassed and has come to ask for advice. Your reply to sleep with him is tone deaf and flippant. Idiot.

HennyPennyHorror · 09/07/2019 04:01

I understand that not every woman has the confidence to tackle pricks like this but OP...you need to. Tell the manager about him...AND if he says ONE more thing, say "If you say one more inappropriate comment to me, you're going to regret it" and stare him down.

I had to do this at a similar place of work when this old dickhead man kept saying things to a young woman. He called her "Big Bird" because she was tall and blond.

I knew it made her blush etc so the third time he said it I said "Stop calling her that or I'll get you sacked"

It was all that was needed.

daisychain01 · 09/07/2019 04:17

OP please commit this situation into writing, today.

Don't do anything verbally from here on, definitely do not approach him, swear at him or do anything that he can deny or skew it against you,

Document everything, dates and what he did and said, and send it marked private and confidential to HR.

Use initials rather than full name in your email to mask identity (and state as such) and ask to have a telecon with them if HR is located off site so you can give them further information to supplement what you've sent them.

Report how it makes you feel (I felt humiliated and embarrassed when he used inappropriate language and noises aimed at me, I felt threatened and scared when he blocked my exit from the storage room, I felt belittled when he used innuendo etc). State clearly that this is harassment under the Equality Act 2010 because he would not talk like that to male staff.

Also state that you are not going to confront him directly because you fear retaliation and reprisal.

They will hopefully have him walked offsite for gross misconduct and good job too. His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable in all respects. Do it for you and all the other women who may be subjected to this creep. It will give him the problem of having to explain to a future employer why he was dismissed. It's the only way with creeps like him.

daisychain01 · 09/07/2019 04:23

Don't worry about witnesses. This shit often happens when there are no witnesses. There is no need to have to get other people involved, and it will be less frightening for you if you don't attract attention at this time.

Just fire the bullets, report the behaviour, state the facts, say how it made you feel.

They will investigate as quick as you can say "Employment Tribunal" because the law is the law and you would be taking your Employer to Tribunal if they fail to act.

ThomasFurious · 09/07/2019 04:41

Don't give him one more chance - go to HR now. What if he tries to cause you trouble and you haven't reported it. He's not twelve, he knows he's in the wrong, and if he doesn't then he bloody needs to.

Jeremybearimybaby · 09/07/2019 05:09

People respond in 3 ways when threatened - fight, flight and freeze. Thst explains why sometimes you can't react. Totally normal reaction.
Report this idiot, and don't minimise what he's been doing when you do.

ddl1 · 09/07/2019 05:49

That is outrageous behaviour! Do you have someone at work who deals with harrassment? If there is no one specific, go to HR. This is a clear-cut case of sexual harrassment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2019 05:49

I think you should report this now. He cornered you and intimidated you. Your post has made me feel really sick. My brother was like this with me. It caused me untold emotional damage. My mother failed me by not stopping him and my father did too as a workaholic. He was never there and had no idea what was happening. You have the right and ability to stand up for yourself by using the proper channels.

Jeremy
There are 2 more. Flop and friend.

SushiForAmateurs · 09/07/2019 06:01

Don't feel bad for not having said anything thus far.

It's easy (enough, sometimes) to tell pricks like this to piss of in a bar or club. It's different at work, when you're trying to be professional, and not go out on a limb, so to speak.

I also know what you mean about 'not being able to put your finger on it'. Clearly he's behaved like a total prick and it's all very obvious - but there's clearly something else about him that makes you more uneasy than your usual, bog standard, garden variety chauvinist pig.

You've had some great advice, and I hope the confidence boost you need to deal with it.

Downunderduchess · 09/07/2019 06:14

Exactly what TalkinAboutManetManet says

Jeremybearimybaby · 09/07/2019 06:17

Dragon - good to know, thanks!

KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2019 06:54

I'd address it with him directly first. If you go straight to HR and they pull him aside and give him a warning for example, he will be incredibly angry because all along you've gone along with his behaviour. That will lead to an intolerable working environment as he doesn't sound like he would take it well and that would leave you with a horrible working atmosphere. I'd say:

"Look, to date I've let your behaviour go as this is your first job but you need to immediately stop with the sexual innuendos and comments. They are not acceptable or professional. I never want to hear again about you 'large penis' or you shutting me in a cupboard. It is completely unacceptable and if you do or say ONE thing more to me of a sexual nature I will report you to HR without delay."

eddielizzard · 09/07/2019 07:06

I would tell him first. Very clearly and in no uncertain terms. He does it again and you go straight to management and HR with your log of what he's done. What an arse. I don't think you can blame this sort of thing on age. Does he do it in front of anyone or only when you're alone?

Itisnamechangetimeagain · 09/07/2019 07:21

I regret not reporting this kind of behaviour when it happened to me.
The manager covered it up and never even told HR. The twat got away with it. Tell HR.

BogglesGoggles · 09/07/2019 07:24

Yeah, so I am overly fond of sexual banter. This isn’t that. It will be good for him if you get someone to sit him down an explain that harassment isn’t a sense of humour.

Original poster
dinoslippers · 09/07/2019 07:26

but there's clearly something else about him that makes you more uneasy than your usual, bog standard, garden variety chauvinist pig.

Thank you Sushi, this is what I was trying to articulate. He's obviously a weirdo but I often think he belongs in a horror movie, it's like the flip of a switch goes off and his mask drops. I think it's why I've hesitated because he's not your average creep.

After sleeping on it, I will go straight to hr today and not give him any chances.

I have a lot going on at the moment and I just feel a bit worn down and weak in all honesty. So thank you all for giving me the nudge to say something.

OP posts:
CountFosco · 09/07/2019 07:30

daisychain is speaking sense, listen to her and immediately report to your line manager and boss. This man's behaviour is startlingly aggressive and he is a danger to you and other women. Don't confront him, you don't know how he'll react. Be glad you have met him at work where people will protect you and not down a dark alley. And don't worry about how you reacted, freezing is a very common reaction to aggression and is one of the best ways to get out of these situations alive.

Rainatnight · 09/07/2019 07:36

Good luck with going to HR, OP, sounds like exactly the right thing to do. And bear in mind that that they’re obliged to take action in order to provide you with a safe working environment. You could take them to tribunal if not (I’m not saying that’s what you should do, just putting this in context for you). And if you’re not satisfied with their response, it might be worth speaking to ACAS. I imagine you don’t have a union?

hazandduck · 09/07/2019 07:39

God OP he sounds awful. And scary. If he wasn’t so young and this wasn’t his first job would you have even hesitated? Say if it was a fifty year old exec or something? If the answer is no then 100% go to HR and report because he sounds like he is harrassing you! The whole “boys will be boys” is really engrained in to all of us so we try and give the benefit of the doubt when they really don’t deserve it!

EvaHarknessRose · 09/07/2019 07:49

Good luck OP. I have a feeling he’s testing your boundaries, early reporting seems wise.

StVincent · 09/07/2019 07:50

You’re definitely making the right decision here. I’m sorry this twat is frightening you at work Flowers

IMO bad instincts exist for a reason. Have you tried googling his name to see if there are any police reports?

MissB83 · 09/07/2019 07:54

He needs to have a report of sexual harassment made against him purely on the basis of what you have posted. First job or not, he needs to learn what is and isn't ok in the workplace. We all have an acceptable workplace persona and he clearly doesn't realise that.

Omzlas · 09/07/2019 08:01

That's not innuendo. That's sexual harassment.

Please speak to someone ASAP. You go to work to work, not be harassed.

Crazyisascrazydoes · 09/07/2019 08:15

This needs dealt with - get someone, manager, HR to talk to him ASAP!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.