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Original poster

To tell young male work colleague...

124 replies

dinoslippers · 08/07/2019 21:44

To stop with the sexual innuendos as they're making me uncomfortable. I don't know how is best to handle this situation, small office, no hr based on site and line manager is a bit wank in all honesty and never around to hear anything.

He is 20 and has an awful professional manner, which I think is why I guess I'm holding back because a part of me keeps telling myself it's his first proper job, he's young don't be too harsh etc.

But the other part of me thinks fuck him, he shouldn't be in a professional environment if he can't behave accordingly. Few examples...

Mentions his "large" penis several times in a serious way Confused
Shut the door on the small storage room I was in and blocked my exit saying "you're mine hahaha". I actually panicked and felt fucking terrified for a split second.
I was mumbling to myself about something that had gone wrong and when he asked me I said "oh nothing I'm just moaning"....his response was oh you're moaning, well don't let me stop you followed with actual sex noises and well I don't mind hearing that.

It's making me so fucking uncomfortable, I have to refrain from throwing the printer in his fucking face every time I see the creep.

It's hard to explain but the lingering smirks and looks are just fucking odd. He stands in my personal space at every opportunity.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 08/07/2019 23:00

Trust your instinct

RosaWaiting · 08/07/2019 23:04

This is harassment
He’s 20, he’s an adult, he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Ponoka7 · 08/07/2019 23:04

"I can't put my finger on it but he sets off my spidey senses"

He tramples all over your boundaries and has, been physically/sexually intimidating.

Whose to say how far he would go.

He isn't young etc. These Men know what they are doing.

They're arrogant and entitled enough to think they can get away with this.

It needs reporting. I've been in an abusive relationship and if he had have blocked my way, my instinct is to attack, as a safety precaution.

What he did was a very serious trigger for many victims. This isn't a joke or banter.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/07/2019 23:05

I'd just go straight to HR without all this planning to "tell him off." So far what you've described is beyond any reasonable measure of doubt.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/07/2019 23:07

I wouldn't mention to HR the part about setting off your spidey senses. Deal in concrete facts. I of course know what you mean about creeps like that setting something off in women but word it in such a way that his manner/actions makes you feel uncomfortable because he did XYZ iyswim?

RosaWaiting · 08/07/2019 23:30

I would list the incidents with the dates and times as much as you can recall them.

Isatis · 08/07/2019 23:47

You can't put your finger on it? A man who goes on about his penis size, blocks you into a room when he's on his own with you and makes sex noises at you? What is your difficulty in putting your finger on anything?

I wouldn't wait till this happens again, and you probably shouldn't give him any warning, because if you do he's liable to try to get in ahead of you with made-up complaints to try to neutralise what you have to report. For your own protection, it may be worth putting your phone on record any time you are alone with him.

SlimGin · 08/07/2019 23:51

Please contact HR straightaway.
He blocked your exit from the storeroom and you felt terrified. This is horrible. Imagine another woman with different experiences. Even worse than that.. he seems to be testing the waters for how much he can get away with.

Jennifer2r · 08/07/2019 23:51

No I wouldn't report him or say anything to HR. I'd wait until there was no one around and tell him in no uncertain terms to shut the fuck up if he knows whats good for him.

BraveGoldie · 09/07/2019 00:18

Report report report.
And if you want to confront him directly you don't need to wait until he does something else horrible. I understand that instinct - we always want to give people another chance or feel if we didn't react in the moment we have no right to react unless we have a fresh moment- but he has already acted horribly and you have every right to call him on that, even if your reaction is delayed.

OP you are second guessing yourself when you don't need to. The things you describe him doing speak for themselves. You are not over-reacting.

If you are someone who struggles to stand up for yourself, then it might help you to think that you are also protecting other women by speaking up- this has nothing to do with over-sensitivity on your part- he is absolutely harassing. And I agree - sounds to me like he might escalate.....

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Sad

EileenAlanna · 09/07/2019 00:57

Keep logging the incidents & next time he does anything tell him he's the poster boy for sexual harassment in the workplace. That you don't welcome or invite his vile sexually explicit language or actions & have been keeping an accurate record of his lewd, unprofessional behaviour which you are now sending to head office.

Pipandmum · 09/07/2019 01:05

Are you senior to him? He’s not going to learn how to behave in a professional manner until you tell him ‘this is inappropriate’. Trying to laugh and shrug it off is only encouraging him - he probably thinks you like it! It’s harrassment, plain and simple, and you need to make it clear you will not tolerate it.

M3lon · 09/07/2019 01:08

You don't have to wait for him to do it again! Just send what you have already.

If you really think he deserves a warning then please just warn as soon as you see him again. Please don't wait for him to do this to you or someone else again before you take action.

BlackCatSleeping · 09/07/2019 01:16

Are you senior to him? He’s not going to learn how to behave in a professional manner until you tell him ‘this is inappropriate’.

I agree with this. I think you need to tell him firmly and calmly that these comments aren't appropriate and they need to stop now.

TwiceAsNice22 · 09/07/2019 01:20

Most 20 year old men starting at their first jobs don’t behave this way. This isn’t because he doesn’t know any better. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I’m assuming he’s not making these comments to other men? I would definitely report him.

And trust your instincts. He’s a creep. Something is really off with him that he feels it’s ok to behave that way. Blocking your your exit from the room is beyond the pale. That would make most people feel very uncomfortable.

Topseyt · 09/07/2019 01:34

Definitely report him. You shouldn't have to put up with this crap.

He is a sleaze bag. It isn't "just banter" and I would soon put him straight on that if he tried to claim it as such.

VenusTiger · 09/07/2019 01:43

Been there many years ago, colleague used to stand behind me and touch his kn*b against my arm/shoulder.... last straw was when he slapped my ass with a ruler... it marked me. I spoke to the boss as hr wasn’t available in my office either.
It stopped, he was embarrassed. I was young so couldn’t tell him myself. Speak to another colleague and ask them to tell him to grow up in front of everyone, he sounds very immature.

Rachelover40 · 09/07/2019 01:48

He is a horrible young man! Report him and/or get together with a strong minded female colleague, both of you corner him and then tell him straight. He probably thinks he's Jack the Lad but he is obnoxious and needs a good lesson.

justilou1 · 09/07/2019 02:02

God! Listen to those spidey senses!!! No way is this okay!!! Imagine if he spoke to someone more vulnerable than you like this??? He needs to learn right now that this is never going to be okay!!! Speak to him AND HR!!!

Italiangreyhound · 09/07/2019 02:03

This behaviour is not appropriate at all and you know it.

Please report it, and just the facts.

Thanks

But do trust your instincts.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2019 02:06

For fuck's sake. Put this total arsehole in his place. After that, report and document everything he says. DO NOT let him get away with this fuckwittery. I hope he gets fired.

managedmis · 09/07/2019 02:25

I can't put my finger on it but he sets off my spidey senses and I've never been made to feel this uncomfortable before.

^

Er, you can put your finger on it, he locked you in a fucking room? That's why your spidey senses went off!

If you can, when he gives you one of his lingering stares, do you think you could stare back? With a Hmm expression on your face, then after a few seconds say 'Yesssssss???' and move your head forward like you're questioning an extremely stupid lemming.

managedmis · 09/07/2019 02:26

I know it sounds pathetic but he was so close to me the other day and internally I was screaming get the fuck out of my personal space but I just stood there like a lemon.

^

So scream. What's he gonna do, report you to HR?

TheSandgroper · 09/07/2019 02:30

I think you can safely describe his behaviour to HR as “predatory” and has “proven to be a threat to your safety “.

cannycat20 · 09/07/2019 02:40

I put up with this kind of behaviour a lot in my 20s when the small workplace in particular wasn't as well regulated as it is now and I was a temp.

He needs to know this is not acceptable behaviour in anyone's book. His age is no excuse although my bad experiences were mainly with 40+ men who thought they were Apollo. If you don't do something about him now it's highly likely he'll end up as one of those lecherous old goats.

He needs to learn his behaviour is not appropriate or acceptable; hasn't he heard of #MeToo, for heaven's sake? Keep a record, even just for a few days, of what he does and what he says; tell your manager's manager, since your line manager sounds ineffectual (though you will probably need to document that you've raised it with your manager, to keep HR happy that their procedures have been followed; and would your line manager pay any attention if you casually mentioned the Equality Act 2010 and some recent research from the House of Commons - see publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201719/cmselect/cmwomeq/725/725.pdf).

And/or tell HR - do they have counsellors you can talk to? And report him. This is not "banter", it is sexual harassment and bullying. Does anyone else work with you in the office who might be a back up witness for you? Is there CCTV?

The shutting you in behaviour and blocking is just awful and sheer intimidation; it's one of the things we were taught on conflict resolution courses, don't block people's escape routes; and if you can, try not to put yourself in a position where you're being blocked (easier said than done sometimes - the context was, we were being taught by an ex-copper who was talking about safety in reception areas in that particular section. Let's just say he wasn't a fan of things like glass vases on reception desks).

And surely your company has policies for these kinds of things? There is some excellent advice on the ACAS site, about sexual harassment, www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=6078 and about bullying in general, www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1864

I'd be very tempted to leave a copy of the harassment policy on his desk - yes, I know, passive aggressive and all that, but sometimes you don't know how people are going to react to direct confrontation. Which is why you need the official backup. And definitely, definitely, definitely listen to those spider senses and don't put yourself in a position where you're alone with him, if you can avoid it. Even if it means asking a different colleague to accompany you to the storage room.

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