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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed with how OH behaved around my friend.

125 replies

Snookerwidow93 · 08/07/2019 20:28

I have a friend who is a beautiful lady, gorgeous figure and very attractive.

She comes round maybe once a fortnight for a cuppa and a catch up etc.

OH knows her dad well as they’re both in the same line of work so they’ll often have a natter about things whilst I’m out of the room.

I’ve noticed recently that when I’m in the room he’ll make a lot of sexual innuendos. For example, last week, my friend announced that she was moving house and that she wanted to re home her cat. She asked if we’d like it and my eyes lit up. OH then said ‘only if I get a blow job.’ Now this is something he’d usually say jokily to me in private but he looked over at my friend after he’d said it gauging her reaction. Like he’d said it for her benefit more than mine.

Today as I was leaving the house with said friend, he gave me a kiss and then grabbed my bum but looked over at my friend to see her reaction. I don’t get it. I’m pretty sure he’s attracted to her but why behave like that? It’s sleezy and disrespectful at best and down right degradation at worst.

He also seems to be very perceptive of her feelings- she’s been having a tough time with her MIL recently and she’ll openly chat to us both about it. He’ll sit and mention it after she’s gone and say how sorry he feels for her etc etc yet he’s never as perceptive of my feelings or as willing to listen.

It’s not the things he does when she’s around, it’s more the fact he does it then looks straight over to see her reaction, like he’s trying to impress her.

I will just mention that I gave birth to our second baby 6 weeks ago so perhaps I’m overly sensitive?

My friend has mentioned how he behaves before but just laughs it off. She’s noticed it though and he doesn’t behave like this around my other friends . .

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2019 11:45

He's really immature and clearly hoping she's jealous and wishing it was her.

It should bother you. Not because he fancies her, but because she's your friend and he should have more respect and know how to behave when she's around.

Original poster

Snookerwidow93 · 09/07/2019 11:46

I haven’t said anything to him yet.

He came in from work last night, kissed me on the head and told me how lucky he was to have me and our daughters.

It’s not the crush that bothers me, it’s more the way he conducts himself. It’s embarrassing, cringeworthy and not funny in the slightest. I’d say it’s out of character for him really, he wouldn’t behave like this in front of any of my other friends or any of his friends.

OP posts:

IceQueenCometh · 09/07/2019 12:12

I think it's a demonstration of power.

"Look at me, look at my sexual prowess, look at how I can demand sex from my wife whenever I want. Wouldn't you like to be with a stud like me?"

Utterly grim. I'd be asking for it to stop immediately and never happen again.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 09/07/2019 12:33

Gross.

I'd tell him you've both noticed his flirting and it's making you both uncomfortable.

Congratulations on the baby OP. Don't worry too much, a new baby can make people act crazy (I am referring to your partners behaviour here, not yours!)

NaviSprite · 09/07/2019 13:09

I had something similar with my DH when we were fairly early in our relationship. We went out, my friend joined us. He spent almost the entire evening talking with her and I sat there like a lemon. She then stated she’d missed her last bus home. We were going back to his place and he invited her to crash on his sofa...

We got back to his and the drinking continued. They were both making comments about threesomes - they both knew I’m bisexual so apparently thought I’d be cool with the ‘banter’. I was not.

I made it clear it was time for us to go to sleep as we all had work the next day and my friend had to get up early so she could go home for a change of clothes, shower etc. It took a bit of pushing but he came to bed. I then kept him awake until 3am explaining to him how his behaviour was NOT okay and if he made such a massive twat of himself, or me again, it was over.

He’s never been so ignorant of my feelings since then. When I had our twins my sex drive vanished for a while. When another friend (somebody I’ve known since I was 6 years old) would visit weekly to catch up, help out around the flat, coo over my twins (she has a DD one year older than them) he’d sometimes overstep with his daft/flirtatious comments and I’d just give him the ‘withering stare’ and add a “really?!” - it embarrassed him, he’d apologise and it didn’t take long for him to put a stop to that too.

Speak with him if you can, I know you said you might be drifting away from him. Was this pre or post baby? I found my feelings for DH went awol for quite a bit after I had my twins. I was exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed with caring for two newborns (who spent months in NICU before coming home). If you think the flame was fading before your pregnancy then it’s up to you if you want to work this out with him. If it was during/after the pregnancy then maybe that plays a part in your losing the passion.

Good luck OP and I hope it works out and your fella gets over his Neanderthal behaviour

NaviSprite · 09/07/2019 13:10

PS congratulations on your baby 😊😊 💐💐

ACPC · 09/07/2019 13:11

If you really think it's out of character then give him a chance to apologise to her and you and see how he reacts. Any excuses or minimising and you know he's a waste of your time. Crushes are usually harmless it's his vile behaviour that would get me too.

Howlovely · 09/07/2019 13:33

You could try saying, Husband can you go out for a couple of hours Tuesday evening? When he asks why say, Tina's coming over and after the way you behaved last time I promised her you wouldn't be here this time.
He absolutely needs to know what he's done isn't ok.

Notcopingwellhere · 09/07/2019 13:39

Ew. The blow job comment is disgusting. So sad for you that this early time with your newborn is not one when you are both besotted by the baby and wrapped up in happy family life. It’s grim behaviour at any time but particularly now. Does he do anything for the baby/to look after you when you are tired/breastfeeding etc?

CarolDanvers · 09/07/2019 13:47

I would tell him you were discussing the way he has behaved with said friend and other friend today and all of you think he is acting like a right creepy arsehole. He should be mortified and hopefully put a stop to his disgusting antics.

Best advice on the thread. Though I would add if he does it again tell him to pack a bag and get the fuck out.

babba2014 · 09/07/2019 13:48

Do they have each others number? This will be the most far fetched scenario but if they do he could secretly be messaging her this and then when you are there he is saying it too but risking it in front of you as you are none the wiser. You may need to check his phone for this.

If you are absolutely certain they do not text then he's making a pass at her. Do not meet up with her when he is home. If he has the type of job where he is home often then only meet up at hers or outside. Never with him. He is trying to get her.

Bananallama858 · 09/07/2019 13:51

Ew. This will inevitably affect your friendship as it’s likely she will want to distance herself from him. Don’t let it continue any longer.

Aprillygirl · 09/07/2019 14:31

He's got a crush on your friend, which is fine and normal, but he's showing off like an immature schoolboy which is pathetic and cringeworthy. I would embarrass him out of his silly behaviour br saying you and your friend were having a good laugh at his juvenile attempts to impress her. He'll soon stop once he realises his actions are doing the exact opposite of impressing her. Good luck OP and congrats on the baby.

AlaskanOilBaron · 09/07/2019 14:38

Prepare yourself for him not understanding in the slightest why you're upset by his comment, because he was 'just joking' and you're 'making something out of nothing'.

You need to be very calm and very clear that you do not intend on spending the next 50 years with a man who thinks it's funny to talk about your sex life or getting blow jobs around women he finds attractive, and that if he can't get to grips with this then he can pack his fucking bags because you won't tolerate it.

And repeat.

The only reassuring thing he could possibly say at this point is 'I'm sorry, that was really gross, I have no idea what got into me'.

Anything else is just more of the same.

SunshineCake · 09/07/2019 14:57

Saying to a date that they look gorgeous in social media photos is now creepy, teaandbiscuits?

Original poster

Snookerwidow93 · 09/07/2019 21:27

Humph, I really can’t be arsed for his reaction and defensiveness.

I’m so tired and every bone in my body aches. I’ll meet my friend elsewhere from now on to save an eventual, inevitable shit show.

I don’t think OH has her number. He’s got an old style phone and doesn’t have social media accounts etc. He’s a bit of a technophobe really. I’ve been off with him and he knows it. Keeps asking if I’m ok.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 09/07/2019 21:49

Sexist creep, and coarse with it. Yuk

Original poster

Snookerwidow93 · 09/07/2019 23:07

Confronted him and, of course, he’s denied any crush 🙄 asked why he feels the need to show off and be so crude. He reckons that he wasn’t aware that he was being crude. I said what part of ‘only If I get a blow job’ isn't crude. He didn’t say anything.

Also denied that he was looking at her for a reaction. Said he’d looked at her after grabbing my bum to make sure she hadn’t seen. Ive told him that she doesn’t feel comfortable coming round here anymore so we’ll meet elsewhere from now on.

OP posts:

Teaandcrisps · 10/07/2019 00:13

So hes refusing to take responsibility for his actions - and presumably no apology to you? Or reassurance that he would change his ways? Is this good enough for you OP? Dies he have any good qualities?

AlaskanOilBaron · 10/07/2019 09:09

Sorry OP.

It's a tough one because he's going to spin this one like you've made something and chip away at your recollection of events.

Maybe it would be useful if you write down all the repulsive things that he says in a word document along with the date so you can keep your head straight.

Good luck.

billy1966 · 10/07/2019 10:58

OP, emphasis to him that he has really embarrassed himself. Repeat your friends are talking about how sleazy he is and that you are ashamed of him and repulsed by him and his behaviour.

Be very obvious that you are meeting all friends out of the house.

Also tell him you are very unhappy with the situation that his behaviour has created.

Continue to be very off with him to drive the point home.

Let him deny all he likes, but by using plain language like above, it will hit home.

GabsAlot · 10/07/2019 19:28

Typical reposne-poor me i havent done anything wrong-if its not your friend he'll do it in front of someone else

noodlenosefraggle · 10/07/2019 19:37

Good that you have called him out and told him he's making your friend uncomfortable. If he was under the delusion that she was flattered or that he was such a catch, I bet that's taken the wind out of his sails!

plasterboots · 21/07/2019 09:19

How grim

roundbottomflask · 21/07/2019 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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