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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He doesn't want a second baby

91 replies

Flowerpot26 · 07/07/2019 23:37

Just that really, he's happy with our little one, says he doesn't want any more, he knows I do and says he will if he doesn't have a choice but he doesn't want anymore if it was upto him
What am I ment to do with that?

We had always spoken about kids, I always said I wanted 3! Tho defo 2! If lucky enough, We've been together 10 years married for 4, I wanted them years ago! But waited till married and house was sorted, Money in the bank etc, Our baby is now 18 months I'm about to turn 35, I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under me, I'm not okay with this
Obv I can't if he doesn't want anymore, that's his wish, but what about mine. Im gutted. I was a only child, no cousins, anuties extended family I hated it, I've only ever wanted a nice big family, I hardy think 2 kids is big anyway, my baby now is my world, but I don't want the same for her or me! This is not
what we've talked about for the last decade!

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2019 23:42

I suppose it's fair to change your mind on this though. I only wanted one. Quite adamant. Changed my mind and wanted a second. Thankfully dh agreed. It could have been you who decided to stick at one and he would have had to get on board with that.

Has he given any reason why he doesn't want more?

Original poster

Flowerpot26 · 07/07/2019 23:47

Just he's happy with one, doesn't want to seem to go into detail, hes tired has his own business, but I'm tired, I'm back at work part time, everyone is tired! But that's not good enough, I can't just go ,yeh okay then no probs ,

OP posts:

PawPawNoodle · 08/07/2019 00:03

You dont have much choice than to accept it really. You can either live with one child, or leave your husband and have another with a different man.

HarperIsBazaar · 08/07/2019 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 08/07/2019 00:08

I'd be gutted if having previously discussed this my DH changed his mind...as I would not have married a man who only wanted one child.

One way or another, one of you could end up resentful of the other.

Sorry...no advice as it's a tough one.

If I were in your position, but younger... I'd consider leaving (meet someone else) ...as I don't think I could be happy with just one child... (when that wasn't the plan) and I'd feel robbed.

My commitment to the marriage just wouldn't be the same anymore...and I'd probably end up pushing him to leave by my attitude.

GibbonLover · 08/07/2019 00:18

We had always spoken about kids, I always said I wanted 3!
I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under me
This is not what we've talked about for the last decade!

Ok, so be honest with yourself here - did he ever specify the amount of children HE wanted or was he just going along with and agreeing to what you said you wanted? In any case, changing your mind is allowed. Particularly as pre-DC, you don't have a clue what it is actually like. You only discover what it really entails when you have one.

Maybe that's the crux of the matter - he does not enjoy certain aspects of parenting. Whether it's being the main breadwinner, sleepless nights, nappies, entertaining the DC, lack of time to self, lack of time as couple etc. That doesn't mean he doesn't love DC or that he has regrets. It just means that there's things he does not enjoy.

Original poster

Flowerpot26 · 08/07/2019 00:18

Thanks sandy!
I was very open about it! He was all up for it aswell, I feel sick, it will definitely end in resentment, I feel the shine or excitement has been taken away from it now, and he will only do it to keep me happy and out family together, this really isn't fair, I k ow people can change there mind, but I've had to change alot to be with him, my job, location, Carrer path, I really didn't mind as I knew we were building this family unit, and now what, were not! Just like that?

What do I do? Should I leave it for a little while and not mention it? , ask if he wants to go to counseling or anything?

OP posts:

Original poster

Flowerpot26 · 08/07/2019 00:23

Yes of course! he had always agreed on a few kids, he had similar family as Me just small! That's why it's such a shock, he loves being a dad, the nappy staged doesn't last forever in fact we both think it's gone so quick, we starting to look at ore school already, I just can't give up my life dreams of having more than one child! How is this fair, I am absolutely gutted I could cry.

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/07/2019 00:30

I now you are nearing 35 but can you wait 6 more months then talk again. From age 2 your little one may get loads more independent, you really leave the baby stage behind and they are chatty little people, toilet trained etc. I think it can suddenly become easier to envisage managing with a second. plus if you time it well, the costs are more manageable if you have your older one eligible for 15/30 free hours childcare at 3 when you need to start paying for both!

Maybe ask your GP about a fertility check to get a sense of if you have a little time to be able to wait & see if your DH comes round.

Tallgreenbottle · 08/07/2019 01:20

If you really want it OP then if he will do it, does it matter about the 'shine'?

jaseyraex · 08/07/2019 04:27

I don't think what a PP said about waiting 6 months until your little one is more independent then discussing again is entirely fair. My DS1 didn't say a word until he was 3 and wasn't reliably toilet trained until 3 and a half, so hardly chatty and independent. I don't think 6 more months will make a difference for you OP, especially if DH doesn't even mind the baby stage.
Sadly there's not much you can do. You either accept it and move on, leave and have a baby with someone else, or have the baby with your DH and have him possibly regret it and resent you for it. Could you maybe try some sort of counselling to try and get past that desire for another?

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/07/2019 04:44

If he is willing to have another (because he probably knows it will be the end of your relationship if he says no) I would just have another. He will be ok once he gets used to it.

WhyTho · 08/07/2019 04:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 08/07/2019 05:07

I'm with Sandy. I'd make plans to leave. If he agrees to another I wouldn't give a rat's arse about 'shine', I'd have one.

BigChocFrenzy · 08/07/2019 05:11

Be prepared if you have a 2nd that he doesn't want, that you may end up as a single parent, bringing up 2 DC on your own

and fighting for CM

Gorillaandme · 08/07/2019 05:21

Maybe he's just exhausted and can't see past that at the moment. My daughter is 15 months and my husband always comments how lovely she's becoming as she's started walking and reaching her arms for cuddles with him and all round being a lot more animated with everyone. I think men really struggle with the newborn days (especially if breastfeeding). Babies are exhausting and don't give much back. My daughter was very mummy obsessed for the first year of her life which was lovely for me but made my husband feel left out. Maybe give it a few weeks and then mention it again when he's in a good mood.

Yeahnahmum · 08/07/2019 05:25

Maybe it is just his attitude now. Dont push the subject for a few months. The first 2 years are crazy and hard and tiresome. Maybe when your kid turns 2 he will have a bit more of a positive outlook on a second child. As things will be a bit more easy in general. Or just make sure to invite many friends with 2 kids over. He might get inspired that it could be fun?

edgeofheaven · 08/07/2019 05:27

I'd wait and see.

To be honest though, I know a lot of married couples who were happy with their family size but just got lazy with birth control and ended up with an unplanned additional baby. So if your DH isn't using condoms every time or is booked in for a vasectomy, the contraception is all your responsibility. He is free to not want another child but he cannot force you to take hormonal birth control, it's your body and your health. I would have a conversation with him about that and see his response. If he's really willing to take on the contraceptive responsibility then you'll know he's serious.

edgeofheaven · 08/07/2019 05:29

Funny I have a friend whose DH told me when she was pregnant he wanted 5 kids. They have one DC and she's begging him for another, now he says one is too much work and he's changed his mind! She's much older than you though (42/43) and told him she's going off the Pill and leaving it to chance, however at her age the chances are quite slim I think.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 08/07/2019 05:43

He’s not said no. Just wait till DS is a bit older, like approaching 3 then ttc. He’s talking about a conceptual baby. Once dc2 has arrived, there’s not a lot you can do.
Cannot believe pos are saying split up from him to have a second. Would people actually do this in real life?

ColaFreezePop · 08/07/2019 05:47

@edgeofheaven depends

edgeofheaven · 08/07/2019 05:54

Cannot believe pos are saying split up from him to have a second. Would people actually do this in real life?

There's another thread from last week or so where a different OP asked for advice on whether to leave her DH because he doesn't want another baby, and said she'd be OK having 50-50 custody of her existing DC for the chance to have another baby with another partner. Was astounded by that to be honest but guess there must be some people who think this way.

AmeriAnn · 08/07/2019 05:55

Have another one. He'll love them just as much as the first one but you'll end up hating him if you only have one and you want more.

I have one with my (current) husband and, well we have all our eggs in one basket.

GeorgieBee85 · 08/07/2019 06:27

When my little boy was 18 months old I'd have sooner stuck pins in my eyes than have another. I'd always wanted 3 children up until that point! Having sworn on several people's lives for 3 further years that I would never have another, and with a 4 year old who is much easier to cope with than he was at 18 months, I'm pregnant again and ready to face the fun of having a baby. Your husband might change his mind yet, but if he doesn't I agree with others, your options are pretty limited.

Florencenotflo · 08/07/2019 06:37

18 months is still a challenging age. My DH didn't really enjoy being a dad until Dd was 2.5. He loved her of course but we both found it such hard work. We always said we would have 2, but because of how hard we found it, DH asked to just take the option of a second off the table for now and revisit the idea at a later date. So he wasn't saying no more, just not right now.

DH just dropped into conversation when Dd was about 3 that he'd be open to the idea of another, how did I feel. He just needed some time.

Can you talk to DH and clarify what he is saying? Is he definitely saying no more? Or could you both agree to take the idea off the table for 12 months? But he would need to be honest with you if he did change his mind to definitely no more!

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