He doesn't want a second baby

[Flowerpot26]

Just that really, he's happy with our little one, says he doesn't want any more, he knows I do and says he will if he doesn't have a choice but he doesn't want anymore if it was upto him
What am I ment to do with that?

We had always spoken about kids, I always said I wanted 3! Tho defo 2! If lucky enough, We've been together 10 years married for 4, I wanted them years ago! But waited till married and house was sorted, Money in the bank etc, Our baby is now 18 months I'm about to turn 35, I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under me, I'm not okay with this
Obv I can't if he doesn't want anymore, that's his wish, but what about mine. Im gutted. I was a only child, no cousins, anuties extended family I hated it, I've only ever wanted a nice big family, I hardy think 2 kids is big anyway, my baby now is my world, but I don't want the same for her or me! This is not
what we've talked about for the last decade!

Quite surprised to read posters suggesting OP
‘Go for it’ with an unwilling partner!
You do realise this is a child not a hamster? Ok I understand he’s not said an outright “no” but to me the “if I have to” attitude speaks of someone who would rather have a child than break up, not of someone who is on the fence and may change their mind further down the line.
Maybe I’m misunderstanding the OP?
Either way OP, if DH isn’t fully onboard I personally do not think it’s right or fair to try and persuade him otherwise. Sure, he may come to love another child once it’s here, or he may find the physical, mental, emotional and financial burden of another child that he did not truly want exhausting and grow to resent you and this poor child who did not ask to be born.
I think if you pursue this and just “go for it” you should take a very realistic view that you’ll be doing it alone one way or another, be that with a distant partner who hardly gets involved or helps, it as a single parent if DH decides to walk away from the relationship.

The way I see it you have limited options; accept his choice and accept that he is allowed to change his mind; raising children in reality is very different to the idea you have of it pre-babies. Now that he knows what it’s like to have a child he’s allowed to say “actually, I can’t picture life with more, sorry”

Or, you leave and find someone who you can build a family with.
For me, this issue over number of children wouldn’t be enough to leave an otherwise happy marriage but I can see that for some the resentment they may feel over it could make life unbearable. Only you can judge that.

Sorry OP, it’s s tough situation to be in, and I say this all as someone whose DH has also decided he’d rather stick st a smaller family than we’d originally planned.

I feel your pain as this was me.

To cut a long story short, it took me well over 12 months to talk my husband into having a second baby and it was a very fraught time. He eventually agreed when one day I just broke down and told him how important it was to me and I couldn't cope with the thought of never having another baby or providing our son with a sibling. I think he was then surprised by the extremity of my emotions and he realised how desperately unhappy I was.

We had our second baby, who I'd almost two, and he has bought such joy to our family. My husband will now admit that having a second baby was the best thing we ever did.

Keep talking to him OP, I know how painful it must be for you x x

I’d wait a few months and have the talk again, but I think in my case it would be another baby or relationship over. If you communicated that clearly to be let down like this now, after making your own job location career sacrifices I couldn’t make this last sacrifice. I’d suggest probably as one option we take back my sacrifices - he has just accepted I do all this for us, and then turned around and ended my family dreams so it’s my turn - he will have to go part time , I concentrate on career and we move house to where I wanted to be. I would not expect him to take me up on this by the way so would phrase it differently if i thought it might backfire!

It's well and good people saying just leave and have another child, Im sure it's not as easy as that. Breaking up your family, practical logistics of that, finding someone new who you would want to have a second child with, marriage?, time to conceive, pregnancy. There would be quite an age gap, which doesn't suit your our ideal of a happy, large family along with juggling your first child's relationship with their father, plus any step children?

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I haven't experienced this myself, but I'd keep my existing child and the family I'd spent a decade building at the forefront of my decision making process over any hypothetical child with another man.

You need to think very carefully about the realities of leaving your husband to have a second child at 35.

You may not meet someone.
You may meet someone and find it's too late to have another child.

But most importantly, assuming your husband will want to continue to have a part in raising his son, you may find yourself single, no more children, and actually only seeing the baby you already have and love, for 50% of its childhood.

Is it a second hypothetical baby really worth that?

Very difficult situation and I’ve been there .
I have one DD who I adore but my now exDH refused to have a second child .
I found that extremely distressing and he knew this but he absolutely did not want a second so there was nothing I could do .

He was just extremely lazy in nature and it would have meant more work .
This and a few other things meant I left in the end . Terrible resentment as I dreamed of 2 and my DD for years asked for a sibling ..
I even said to him the old
phrase “ people don’t regret the child they had but some will regret the child that they don’t “
But ultimately he refused to consent so I was stuck .

I’m sort there’s no easy answer to this .

Thanks you for the responses, just so upset and secretly angry now . we waited even tho I would of happily had started years ago, I just don't feel I have the "time" to wait a few more years I know lots do and everything but I don't want a newborn when I'm 40,and even then he ain't saying in a year or two, he's just saying no, like it's no big deal.
I feel like I've given up on the career I started on I can't not have this, I do think he's exhausted tho, not from our baby as I pretty much have her and she goes to a cm for one day when I'm in work, and the other is normally a night shift or he will have her. Think he's tired from work and all the stress of having his own business and some employees, however that isn't going to change, it's always been like that and that's the area of work he wants to be in. Even tho I say all the time he could do something different even of we have less money,

I've got about a stone still to lose think I'll just concentrate on that, and then when I've done that I'll bring it up again, but im starting to worry now.

I would wait a little longer and see how you both feel. Maybe when your lo is 2? For all those saying make plans to leave him, it takes time to meet someone else trust them around your lo and get to a position where you could have another lo. If the relationship is otherwise a happy one why leave? We have two and are both open to a third but are waiting till our youngest is 3 to see if we want to start trying then. For me though if either of us is not keen then we stick with 2.

Agree with waiting a while and see if her changes his mind. I always wanted two kids but when LO was 18 months I didn't want another. She still didn't sleep through the night, was very full on during the day and still breastfeeding so quite intense. I would happily have just had the one.

Now shes 2.5 and we are TTC because that difficult phase seems to have passed and now she is more independent and a child rather than a baby. Waiting 6 to 12 months would be a lot less than leaving him and starting all over again.

I changed...my job, location, Carrer path, I really didn't mind as I knew we were building this family unit, and now what, were not! Just like that?

You are already a family unit. What about your existing child? Would you have refused to make those changes for one child but were happy to make them for two?

I really didn't want another one when DD was 8 months. I was exhausted having had over a year of sleepless nights and was still mourning the loss of my freedom. We did have a second though. Like others say maybe just give it a few more months. He has said he would so I think it's most definitely up for negotiation.

You're already a family unit.

I'm an only child and I have one DS. Medically it doesn't look like we can have anymore and I'm 36. I'm sad because I would have liked another one.

But if you would honestly consider ending your marriage over this then that's nuts. Different if you had no kids yet and he was saying he didn't want any. You have one.

I think you’re understandably upset but also being quite blind to his feelings & needs. Wanting multiple children when you don’t have any is just not the same thing. It’s not a binding contract. I thought I wanted 5 & have 2. I’d be very hurt if someone thought I had a duty to continue to 5 because that’s what I used to want.

you also make a few odd comments - like this: I feel like I've given up on the career I started on I can't not have this
I’m confused because surely you have done this for the child you have - not purely for an anticipated future child?

You are hurt & I get that - but I do think it’s making you sound quite cruel. What if you hadn’t wanted more? Do you think it would have been ok for him to be angry & at you & claim you’ve destroyed his career / life etc??

18 months is young - he might feel differently as time goes on, although I realise you don't have years and years.

My advice is to keep talking. And don't be a martyr about your career - obviously you have a child to consider now, but you still need to pursue the work you want.

"I've had to change alot to be with him, my job, location, Carrer path"
Has he ever made any compromises or sacrifices for you?

I’m tired too that’s not good enough
I can’t not have this

You sound very cold towards him - a baby isn’t ‘for you’. I’m surprised by posters saying just force him he’ll get used to it. I know a man who committed suicide with a small baby because his depression consumed him.

If you were a man the responses here would be extremely different. No one would be saying emotionally blackmail another child on them or leave & conceive elsewhere.

I do agree with posters who say the door is not closed - I would just avoid any talk of it whatsoever for a few weeks then set aside a specific time to talk about it - preferably out of the house as it always feels a bit less intense.

I've only ever wanted a nice big family, I hardy think 2 kids is big anyway, my baby now is my world, but I don't want the same for her or me!

Be very careful when you discuss this again (which I think you should) that it isn't all about what you want, you've always wanted. You aren't you on your own now, you are a family unit - currently of 3. It has to be about what your family unit NEEDS. I want lots of things, doesn't mean I'm going to get them. You say you were from a small family and hated being an only child and don't want that for your child. How do you know they will feel the same as you. I'm an only child and I never hated it and still don't hate it. You may have a second child and find your siblings not only don't particularly get on but positively hate each other which is the case with my mum and her sister and they are now in their 60s. Be careful your own past isn't informing your thought processes too much.

It sounds like you've got a lot of resentment towards him - for moving, for changing career, for his business. Kids add pressure and can massively change your relationship.

I've got a nearly 18 month old, I'm not even thinking about another one until this time next year because it's such hard work. My OH can't even think about it! And we're both older than you.

My husband was like this .He always said he was happy with "just the one".Like you I was an only child, although I had cousins .Why dont you just see what happens for the moment.At 35 you may take a little while to conceive anyway.If you do become pregnant ,then he will get used to the idea Im sure just as my husband did .If not then you still have your little one. I always wanted siblings too, but as I have got older I am used to being an"only"!(Some stories of sibling rivalry make me glad I havent got any TBH!)

Disgusting attitudes in here, telling OP to have another anyway, that 'he'll get used to it' or even tricking him by foregoing the contraception. Her DH is saying he doesn't want any more, waiting 6 months and then starting on him again isn't fair, and if OP went ahead with another what would she do if her DH resented her for it and left her? Can she be a single parent to 2 kids?
I feel sorry for her DH.

18 months is still little though, I would not have wanted a second child or to have been pregnant when my first was 18 months.
Fast forward to 28 months and I was ready.
My DS turned 3 and my DD was born a week later.

@Neron who's suggested forgoing contraception? Hope you've not misinterpreted my comment.

OP's DH can't force her to take hormonal contraception just because he doesn't want another baby, in the same way OP can't force him to have another baby. If he doesn't want another baby he needs to put a condom on or look into a vasectomy.

DH and I have one DC. We are absolutely a family unit. We don't resent any sacrifices or changes we've made because there's only one of him. What, he's not worth it but more kids would be?

I'm not going to just have another if he not on board, that's why it's so hard and upsetting,

I just feel very down about this, he gets to just change his mind about everything we planned I have to b okay with it. This was a very open subject most definitely before we got married.

No @edgeofheaven I meant in relation to just having another anyway and that he'll get used to it.

No of course he cannot force her to use contraception, and if he doesn't want them then ok he sorts it - but the attitudes on here are still appalling. They have 1 child, they are fortunate with that. I never understand why the respect goes out the window when it comes to things like this. He doesn't want more, OP should respect that instead of him going along with having another because he clearly wants to stay with her even though it's not what he wants.

The responses would be totally different if it was the OP that had changed her mind and her DH wanted more children.