Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He doesn't want a second baby

91 replies

Flowerpot26 · 07/07/2019 23:37

Just that really, he's happy with our little one, says he doesn't want any more, he knows I do and says he will if he doesn't have a choice but he doesn't want anymore if it was upto him
What am I ment to do with that?

We had always spoken about kids, I always said I wanted 3! Tho defo 2! If lucky enough, We've been together 10 years married for 4, I wanted them years ago! But waited till married and house was sorted, Money in the bank etc, Our baby is now 18 months I'm about to turn 35, I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under me, I'm not okay with this
Obv I can't if he doesn't want anymore, that's his wish, but what about mine. Im gutted. I was a only child, no cousins, anuties extended family I hated it, I've only ever wanted a nice big family, I hardy think 2 kids is big anyway, my baby now is my world, but I don't want the same for her or me! This is not
what we've talked about for the last decade!

OP posts:
AverageMummy · 08/07/2019 09:26

Op I’m not sure you’ve even heard all that’s been said here. Dreams from the past aren’t relevant to decision making of today.

Imarriedmortenharket · 08/07/2019 09:30

Op, if it's any comfort my DH was the same. He just said he didn't feel the need as he loved dd1 so much. I asked him straight out if he wanted her to be an only child and talked about his bond with his brother. So we were doing it for dd1 rather than us iyswim. He did get it reluctantly. We now have 3! And loves them all like mad.

XXcstatic · 08/07/2019 09:31

, he gets to just change his mind about everything we planned I have to b okay with it. This was a very open subject most definitely before we got married.

I know you feel hurt, but you're being silly. No one really knows what being a parent is like until you have DC. You sound full of resentment towards your DH and you don't seem to care about what is right for him, only what is right for you.

You have an idealised view of siblings but, as PPs have said, the reality might be very different. You also seem to be ignoring the potential effect on your DC of your attitude. It is no fun being brought up by parents who resent each other.

Don't destroy what you already have in attempt to realise a fantasy.

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 09:32

I asked him straight out if he wanted her to be an only child

Imarriedmortenharket That actually comes across as implying there is something "less" or "wrong" about being an only child, or choosing to only have one child. Which, quite frankly, as an only child, I find a shitty attitude.

Ineedhelptocope · 08/07/2019 09:33

I cant believe people are telling you leave just like that!!

edgeofheaven · 08/07/2019 09:34

OP I know you're upset. But as many of us have said, you need to wait. You're 35, not 45. It's more than possible for your DH to change his mind and you have time for another one. It's also possible that he doesn't change his mind - in which case you need to deal with the emotions and find a way to still be the best mother to your little one.

My opinion honestly is that if you put all the responsibility for contraception onto him, he will either get the snip or you'll end up pregnant again because he gets lazy about condoms or pulling out. Seen this plenty of times.

sheshootssheimplores · 08/07/2019 09:36

I think you should just drop it. He’s not really saying no, he’s saying his happy with one but would go along with two if that’s what you want. I would concentrate on keeping everything going as seamlessly as possible to at least give the impression two children wouldn’t ensure immediate chaos.

NoBaggyPants · 08/07/2019 09:37

I understand you are upset, but people are allowed to change their minds, especially about something so significant. Can you imagine if it was the other way round, if you didn't want anymore? Your husband would rightfully have to respect your decision. And you need to do the same.

There's still plenty of time for you to start your career if that's something you'd like to pursue. What is it and how can you start to make it happen?

And there's nothing wrong with having one child. There are plenty of one child families are their children thrive!

HJWT · 08/07/2019 09:39

@Flowerpot26 DH always said we would have at least 2 then when DD was around 1 he said he didn't want anymore! Now DD is 3 in September and we are pregnant with a son and he wants another 🤣 he may change his mind once DD becomes more independent x

SpreadsheetQueen · 08/07/2019 09:42

Having a child is a bit of a shock for most people. Although I always wanted more than 1 I certainly didn't want another when DS1 was small and it was only when he turned 2 that I felt ready. For me it changes everything when you leave the baby stage and have a walking, talking person to interact with, so things might change for your DH.

Having a toddler and a baby requires a huge amount of work and input from both parents, so I agree you both need to be on board. I'd keep communication open and make sure he knows how much this means to you.

happytobemrsg · 08/07/2019 09:47

We always wanted 3 but I t wasn’t until DS was 2 that I could even consider #2. Perhaps just give him a bit of time & in the meantime insider whether this would be a deal breaker for you

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 09:50

So we were doing it for dd1 rather than us

Of course you were.

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 08/07/2019 09:50

I wanted 4 children, before I ever actually had 1. The once I has DS I was adamant I only wanted 1. Accidentally fell pregnant with DD.

Then I was done at 2 - flirted a bit with idea of a third when DD was about 6, went back and forth on it for about a year. But we are happy as we are now.

At the end of the day he is allowed to change his mind. It is easy to say how many you want of something before you have actually lived the reality of having that something.

This is not something he is doing to you. He has just changed his mind.

thecatsthecats · 08/07/2019 10:05

You don't have to be okay with it. But the person who wants fewer kids gets the last say in attempting to conceive them, just as the woman who is carrying the child gets the last say on abortion.

The cut off points aren't neat and fair, and you can't 'half' have another child (though you can have half of your existing child if you split up over this).

Just before our wedding, my husband and I were talking about TTC after we cleared the zika period after our honeymoon. Then I realised I wasn't ready, I wanted to enjoy more travelling and freedom. He was a little sad, then immensely relieved after a few get togethers with friends with babies! Currently, we're both of a mind that none at all wouldn't be the worst thing. Question paused there until one of us wants to bring it up again.

The question is never closed until we're both fully infertile!

littlepaddypaws · 08/07/2019 10:08

sorry, but how is your need for a 2nd dc trump his choice not to? to have another dcto keep you happy could seriously put this marriage under strain. i know someone in this situation and he has 'accepted' the situation but tells me he's not happy and wishes they had stayed at the one. he's now in the throes of a divorce because of it.
i wouldn't push for another one personally, but then everyone is different...

happytobemrsg · 08/07/2019 10:26

@BearsDontDigOnDancing we had pretty much the same experience!

riotlady · 08/07/2019 10:47

I think you should leave it for a while BUT I think you should explicitly say to him “ok, let’s not make any firm decisions now, can we revisit it in a year?” Otherwise I’d be worried that he’ll think you’ve accepted and agreed to stop at one and he’ll be blindsided when you bring it up again.

It might be in a year that he’s more open to it, it might not. But I can’t believe that anyone would suggest breaking up a marriage over it. I totally understand that it would be seriously upsetting to not have the baby that you want, but you can’t put a theoretical child over your real and existing family.

Pinktinker · 08/07/2019 10:54

My Dad did this to my Mum. She always said she wanted two children, no more, no less and my Dad agreed. Then after I was born he changed his mind and never wanted another. No real reason because my Mum always rattles on about me being a fantastic baby, slept through from six weeks old etc so not like he had to deal with a difficult baby. My Mum couldn’t live with this so left and when I was six she had my brother with another man. My Dad stuck to his word and never had another child.

I think your only real options are to either stay with him and hope he changes his mind at some point, stay with him and accept the fact you won’t have a second child or move on and find somebody else.

Pinktinker · 08/07/2019 10:58

The responses would be totally different if it was the OP that had changed her mind and her DH wanted more children.

Probably because the woman has to do the whole pregnancy and birth thing...

Ginger1982 · 08/07/2019 10:59

@Imarriedmortenharket right, because only children are so hard done by 🙄

GrabbyGertie · 08/07/2019 11:05

I really don't think he is unfair or unreasonable to have changed his mind.

I always had a set number of kids I wanted but my husband 'changed his mind' before we hit that number. I said fair enough and got on with bringing up the kids we had.

You could wait 6 months or a year and see how he feels then but i think you really need to stop feeling angry and resentful towards him. It will damage your relationship and it's unfair of you. Hormones are crazy things and I totally get your burning need to have another kid. Unfortunately that doesn't trump his wishes not to have another child.

You always get posters suggesting you have a happy accident on threads like this. People have even admitted to doing it on Mumsnet. I think it's a disgusting and immoral thing to suggest or do.

PetitTorteois · 08/07/2019 11:14

@Ineedhelptocope
Agree. I can't believe that you would leave the love of your life (assuming you married the love of your life) purely because you want another baby. I would (sort of) understand if you had none and really wanted to be a mum but this is not the case here. Poor DH.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 08/07/2019 11:34

*The responses would be totally different if it was the OP that had changed her mind and her DH wanted more children.

Probably because the woman has to do the whole pregnancy and birth thing...*

I think that’s only a valid argument when saying who gets the final say over what happens with an existing pregnancy.
When you’re talking about who gets the final say over the possibility of conceiving another child it is alway the person who is against the idea who gets the final say. A man’s choice to NOT WANT to conceive another child is just as valid as a woman’s choice not to.

Piglet89 · 08/07/2019 12:40

I asked him straight out if he wanted her to be an only child and talked about his bond with his brother.

As @Ginger1982 has said, so insulting to only children. It’s not the end of the world being an only. There’s no guarantee that a child’s bond with their siblings will be a great one as your husband’s was. I know heaps of people who can’t stand their siblings.

cochineal7 · 08/07/2019 12:47

I was like your DH. Very happy with one. Adamant I did not want a second. My DH must have been disappointed but he never tried to convince me otherwise. Two years later I changed my mind. Without being ‘pushed’ to. People can and do change their minds - and it can go both ways.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.