He doesn't want a second baby

[Flowerpot26]

Just that really, he's happy with our little one, says he doesn't want any more, he knows I do and says he will if he doesn't have a choice but he doesn't want anymore if it was upto him
What am I ment to do with that?

We had always spoken about kids, I always said I wanted 3! Tho defo 2! If lucky enough, We've been together 10 years married for 4, I wanted them years ago! But waited till married and house was sorted, Money in the bank etc, Our baby is now 18 months I'm about to turn 35, I feel like the rug has just been pulled from under me, I'm not okay with this
Obv I can't if he doesn't want anymore, that's his wish, but what about mine. Im gutted. I was a only child, no cousins, anuties extended family I hated it, I've only ever wanted a nice big family, I hardy think 2 kids is big anyway, my baby now is my world, but I don't want the same for her or me! This is not
what we've talked about for the last decade!

Is this about compromise in other areas - I read it as your plan as a couple was for your career to be secondary to his business but you would be OK with that because it supported you having a large family. It feels unbalanced because he gets his first choice at home and work? Can that change? If you're not having a big family can your career take precedence? Maybe he does take that lower paid, lower stress role somewhere you can rebuild your career?

Sometimes you need to rethink your life plan. I decided I would have a second, 4 miscarriages later and it doesn't look like that's going to happen. As much as it hurts, he feels how he feels and you can't force him to change his mind.

I understand you being disappointed, even angry initially while you're processing everything. But honestly, your posts are extremely self-absorbed. It's all about your plans, your dreams, your feelings and you don't seem to consider your DH's thoughts and feelings important at all. You say his reason for not wanting more DC is "not good enough" which is extremely dismissive and makes me suspect there is no reason he could possibly give that you would deem "good enough" if it means you not getting what you want. You seem so wrapped up in your own disappointment that you're even dismissive of your existing DC- apparently you're not even a "family unit"? And all the stuff about how you've "sacrificed" your career? You talk as though it wasn't worth doing that for your DD but it somehow would be for her hypothetical siblings, as though you wouldn't have bothered had you known you would "only" be having her.

It's fine to be disappointed that you won't have the "big family" you imagined, but don't let bitterness and resentment blind you to everything that's good about the family you already have. Posters telling you to leave your DH over this are being utterly ridiculous. Would you really sacrifice the stability of your actual living child (not to mention 50% of your time with her, potentially) for a hypothetical second child? And what about your DH, is he of no further value to you at all unless he's willing to give you more babies? Presumably you love him, since you married him? Well, he's still the same person! He hasn't betrayed you or decieved you. You can't reasonably expect to hold someone to things they said about wanting a "big family" before they even knew what it was like to be a parent.
As for the posters telling you to "work on" your DH, try to "talk him round" or issue ultimatums in order to wear him down until he reluctantly agrees to Father another DC he does not want, you should be ashamed of yourselves- if a man came on here proposing to do those things to get his wife to agree to a second baby you'd all be calling it coercion and telling him he was a controlling, abusive arsehole.

This is a hard one. To be honest, in your position I would push for a second. Tell him you will always resent only having one and have always wanted a bigger family. I'd honestly at 35, if it's a definite no, have left and hoped for more with someone else otherwise.

I realise this sounds extreme but if a bigger family is really what you want and you'd always regret not going ahead.... It depends how strongly you feel

I wanted 2 children before I had one, my husband wants 3...

I currently couldn’t even accept thinking about having another and would rather be single than face pressure to reconsider. The pregnancy and baby stage is currently very hard .... so just think about it from his perspective and in time he may reconsider.

Op obviously didn’t like being an only child so I don’t think posters who are not also only children who hated it can understand.

As an only who hated it there is no man who would ever have made it worth me sacrificing having another dc.

Partners come and go.

Your dcs are your dcs forever.

You can tell the people who aren't onlys. There was no way I was going to have just 1 child.

When you are an only of an only, there is no family. There are no siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. There is no-one to share anything with or to help you though tough times. It is just you and your parents and when your parents die, just you. It's the most isolating thing possible, especially when you see others meeting up with their families and having parties, BBQs, sharing stories, etc and you are just on your own. Most people as they grow older spend the weekends with their own families and not their friends.

My view is very unpopular on here, but I think medical problems aside, it's incredibly selfish and unfair to have an only child.

It would be one thing if you had a big family, but if your family is already small, then your dc will have few relatives as he grows up.

My parents died when I was quite young, I'm very grateful I have a sibling and consequently a cousin/s for my dc.

I think your dh has been very unfair to you. I'll probably get flamed, but if he reluctantly agrees, then I'd have another.

Didn't expect so many replies, I neither selfish or self obsorbed, there is ten years of history that I can't be bothered to drip feed, I did not give up my career for my child 2 years ago, It was years ago when I made the decision to leave where I was move and help support my husband and his business or we would of not worked long term, due to distance ,tho to be fair I thought I would of been able to continue as some point however life got in the way and my wants had to take a back seat, I didn't mind as we constantly talked about our future and kids etc and that is all I've wanted and thought he did to! As you know that what he said!!, and now this week that has all been taken away in a simple sentence!
I don't think I would actually leave my husband as I love him very much and our daughter is our world,
Ppl who have commented saying how they changed there minds after 2 or 3, well thats not quite the same is It? You didn't stop at 1! And how being an only child was great, well it wasn't for me, was utter rubbish,

Thanks for the nice comments, I know I am not the only person to be in this situation, and I'm lucky to have my beautiful baby girl . And if I sound bitter it probably because I am, as im not a robot.

IMO the pre-marriage talk about how many kids the one the thing that you really can't hold someone to, because no one knows how they'll feel until they actually have one.

From your son's perspective, it's way more beneficial that he's from a non-divorced family than that he has a half brother or sister.

From your perspective, it's a bit muddier, but you have no guarantee of even having a second baby. I'd stick with your husband and he may well change his mind.

Hi OP

I feel for you, its horrible if you have had long terms plans for years and then suddenly the rug is pulled from under you and the whole future you've had planned has gone. I think you're allowed to be upset. And youre allowed to ask for detailed reasons so you can talk about them more.

I was actually in a similar position to you. We had lots of talks about it that culminated in a really long heartfelt discussion where I laid it on the line that it wasnt an ultimatum and I would never leave him but I didn't know how I'd get over it if we had just one. Ans then he stopped using condoms.

But I'm not sure it was the right decision. He is fine with the baby but I know, in the back of my mind, when we're having logistical issues that wouldn't have been the case if we had stopped at one, hes thinking that he didn't want this

And it is much harder than we thought. I kind of thought our life had changed so much already that another wouldn't make too much difference. But it turns out the first was a relatively average baby and our second was so so difficult. Sleep issues (waking up every 90 min until we got a sleep consultant at 7 months) meant I had absolutely no patience to deal with the eldest and then when she did sleep, it had to be in her cot, so that was all day outings etc stopped. We had a year of being in the house. None of this 'the second just slips into your routine' stuff. She is so strong willed, she doesn't eat, she climbs on everything and breaks everything - I cant take my eyes off her for two seconds. She had tongue tie and feeding issues, and a neck issue that needed numerous physio appointments. It could have been a lot worse I know but it had been a tough 18 months. The eldest does have a sibling to play with, but her favourite things are things like board and card games and that's all gone out of the window when the baby destroys it. Her classes were all cancelled. We used to cycle everywhere and had to drive for a year. Shes always having to leave things early so the baby can sleep. Being woken up twice as much as we used to be is hard. Having to take twice as much time off work for illness and having twice as much illnesses in the house is hard. Paying for childcare for 2 is hard. When my husband is away for work and I'm doing bedtime for 2 who go to bed at the same time, its hard. Getting both ready and out in the morning and into the car is a mission.

I guess I'm saying that, please dont be like me and be so blinded by what you want that you dont actually listen to what your husband is telling you. My husband told me it would be hard when he was away, and I said it would be fine as I was coping well, but that was with an easy 2 year old, not a 2.5 year old and a newborn who couldn't be put down. I had just somehow forgotten how demanding a newborn and young baby is and how much I didn't enjoy a lot of it!

Of course there are fun times and lovely times and they actually do entertain each other now though I am aware that might change

But please talk it all through with your husband. Properly.

OP I’ll be honest I thought you sounded like a very selfish piece of work initially. But reading the stuff about only children I get you more - you passionately feel this is about your child’s needs not just yours.

I don’t share the view but I understand it more. I have a disabled child who requires a huge amount of time / energy / money & whether it’s a premature baby, disabled child, or even just one the sibling hates - there is no guarantee a sibling will be appreciated in the way you imagine. But as I say I feel like I get your pain more.

I’d genuinely recommend you go to a counsellor - relate or similar - you can explore your feelings together in a safe constructive environment. I think it would help you both work through this one way or the other.

We've been talking about a second for years. Hubby said no I was always maybe. Literally today we decided to try for number two. I love my husband and even though he was saying no, I'd never force him and we just discussed his reasons for saying no. Which were all really valid. What are his reasons for saying no more?

@formerbabe given that you're not an only child and have no experience of being an only child then yes, I would challenge you on your assertion that you think it's selfish but, hey ho, I'm sure you don't care what I think.

And @Kpo58 my DS is looking like being an only child, as am I. My DH has siblings so he has 2 aunts, 2 uncles and 6 cousins. So your point about being totally alone doesn't always stack up. And as for being able to tell those who aren't onlys? Whatever.

@Flowerpot26 maybe your life as an only was shit and I'm sorry if it was, but you can make a great life for your DD so that it doesn't have to be shit for her. My DS life as an only certainly isn't going to be shit.

He's saying he doesn't one but that he will
Is that's what you want? Tell him yes you do want another as he knows.

My dh would probably have stuck with 1 I wanted 2 he'd never be without Ds2 now