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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my mother not to clean my house

88 replies

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 20:31

This is a strange one and to those of you with no help I am very sorry.

My mother helps to look after my 4 year old son. She picks him up from school twice a week and on one of those days takes him to swimming. On the other day she looks after my 2 year old daughter too.

I am very grateful for this help and she is an excellent and lovely grandmother.

However on the day that she takes my son swimming, she likes to come to my house just as I have left for work and ‘go through it’. I really hate it. There’s the pettiness that I never get a day in my own house on my own and she’s there from 9:30-3:30 on her own, drinking cups of tea and watching my tv (and in the winter, putting the heating on all day) but I also feel really intruded upon.

She is a lovely grandmother but she’s always been a hideous mother, she’s extremely short tempered with me, she has absolutely no respect for my wishes or my privacy and she very much treats me as if I am 15. It’s almost heartbreaking to see how patient and kind she can be with my children given how quickly she would slap me when I was growing up (she has been warned that if she ever hit my children she would never see them again). She completely lacks boundaries when it comes to me and still shouts at me and tells me off as if I am a teenager.

Anyway, back to the cleaning. She is very houseproud and likes to clean my house when i’m not there. My dh thinks this is wonderful but I really hate it. She likes to tell me how much she does for me and how grateful I should be to her and she likes to tell everyone who we come into contact with, how much she does for me. I don’t ask for this help and i’m perfectly capable of cleaning my own house. I follow TOMM and have my own routines but my mother likes to tell me that it’s ‘not up to her standards’.

I’ve asked her politely not to come down to clean my house and she will slam the phone down and refuse to speak to me. She tells me that she’s bored because her house is perfect and my house always has so much for her to do.

It’s now causing conflict because my dh thinks I should just let her get on with it, but I hate it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

fedup21 · 07/07/2019 20:32

Get a childminder or use a nursery.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/07/2019 20:34

she’s always been a hideous mother, she’s extremely short tempered with me, she has absolutely no respect for my wishes or my privacy and she very much treats me as if I am 15

Why on earth would you have someone like this mind your dc?

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 20:35

But the issue isn’t her as a grandmother. She is like a completely different person around my children, loving, funny and kind and they adore her. Also if I used alternative childcare for my son then he wouldn’t learn to swim and I think it’s important for him. My issue is her being in my house all day cleaning and how she makes me feel about it.

OP posts:

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 07/07/2019 20:36

Urmmmm I suppose it’s due to your childhood and her casual dismissal of your right to privacy and your own home. But if your reliant on her to look after your children in your house she probably quite naturally will clean up.

Could you restrict her to downstairs? And try to think like she is doing you a favour, as it must save you valuable time not having to clean. (I would love a cleaning fairy downstairs but would be less keen on my bedroom)

fedup21 · 07/07/2019 20:39

Why didn’t she look after the kids in her own house?

123confused · 07/07/2019 20:41

First world problem? ......If you don't like it, don't accept her help. I wish I'd had my DM available to help at this stage. We lived abroad until DS was 5.5 so no family help at all, I dream of someone cleaning my house.

HollowTalk · 07/07/2019 20:44

On the day she cleans your house, is she meant to be there minding your two year old?

shiningstar2 · 07/07/2019 20:46

Hmm ...I know where you are coming from. My initial response was wow!! I wish my mother would come and clean my house when I'm out ...not now ...she's too old ...but when I was younger and she could. But ...when I came to really think about it I realized I would have absolutely hated it. Her housekeeping standards are far higher than mine and I would certainly have heard about that ...and to be honest I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving bills and private stuff around. Don't get me wrong ...l love her and she has always been a loving grandma but she wouldn't have been able to help herself. Partly from curiosity and partly from concern ...just to reassure herself we were managing ok and weren't in debt

The more I think about it the more I know that I would just have had to put a stop to it. Good luck with that op

JellyBook · 07/07/2019 20:49

I’m sorry you had such a bad relationship with her growing up, but however good she is with your children, you know who she is so you can’t expect to have it all ways.

You can’t have her look after your kids then object to her cleaning your house. You could say I love and appreciate that you do those things for me, but I could really do without the criticism. But this may mean a blow up and you losing that bit of child care.

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 20:49

On the day that my son goes to swimming she could just pick him up at 3:30. Take him home and get him changed ready for his class at 4:30. I always meet them at the pool. That’s the day she comes to my house at 9:30 and spends all day at my house with nobody else there.

The other day, she looks after my daughter. She also cleans then too but can’t do as much because my 2 year old needs looking after. I am grateful for the things she does then, things like emptying the dishwasher or putting clothes on the line. It is helpful of course.

The reason she doesn’t look after my children at her house is because my son’s swimming lesson is two minutes away from my house. She also looks after my dd at my house because her house is in the opposite direction from where I work and makes my 40 minute commute 40 minutes longer and would mean my son would have to use breakfast club.

OP posts:

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 07/07/2019 20:51

Does she have a key to your place? Can you take it back?

SmellbowSmellbow123 · 07/07/2019 20:54

Slight cross post there. I think you need to put your foot down and insist that she does not do as she wishes in your home. The fact that she enters at 9:30am and sits there watching tv etc is odd to me.

Cryalot2 · 07/07/2019 20:55

I can see your point but as she has free reign and does so much no real answers .
I wouldn't trust someone like that unsupervised with my kids.
Can you lock the rooms that you want to keep her out of? That way it restricts her, or can she not keep them in her home. I would hate her going through my house.
Leave some things for her to find that might deal with her. You know big dildos or the likes .
I wish you well.

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 20:55

123confused I know it’s a first world problem and I accept that lots of people have no help but this is causing so much conflict in my life and I dread it every week. My mother likes to make me feel beholden to her and regularly likes to tell me how grateful I should be, how I am the worlds worst daughter because she is so good to me, and how little I do for her. I feel miserable and want to put a stop to her coming down at all but I know that this will affect my children who love her and who also benefit from what she does for them.

OP posts:

Cookit · 07/07/2019 20:56

Have you looked into a childminder? Someone maybe to walk your son home and you can meet him there and take him swimming since it’s so close? Who looks after the 2 year old the other 4 days?

This would annoy me too although it obviously sounds ridiculous to be mad at someone for cleaning. I’d be so worried she was going through my stuff.

Cookit · 07/07/2019 20:58

Btw my Dad is very much like that in the sense that he offers help to people a lot but then brings it up in front of other people. He really only does it to boast about how much he does. He can’t ever even get my DC a present without asking how they’re enjoying it every few weeks for a while.
I don’t accept anything because I don’t want to be talked about that way.

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 20:58

We use a nursery for 3 days for my dd. I am home 1 day a week. We also use an after school club for my son.

OP posts:

Redrupunzle · 07/07/2019 21:03

My mum drives me mad doing this. I've told her straight she is not to clean my house. I don't mind her tidying a little and sticking the dishwasher on but I don't like her doing anymore. She also tells everyone how much she helps me and I "need" her. Tbh I really don't, I could put dd into a nursery but mum asks to have her and in fairness dd does love her to bits. I appreciate the help but hate how she makes out to others I couldn't cope without her. I can totally understand your point of view

Drum2018 · 07/07/2019 21:06

I fail to see how you can allow her a relationship with your kids given the way she treats you. At some point those kids will get older and she could turn on them too. You either suck up the behaviour and continue to allow her to treat you like a child (don't do this!), or you put your foot down and tell her to stop every time she criticises you. You are a grown up now and she needs to respect that. Personally I'd find alternative childcare as I wouldn't want her having much of an influence over my kids and I certainly wouldn't want my kids hearing her treat me like a bold child. You can surely arrange swimming lessons for a Saturday. Get your key back and set some firm boundaries.

JWrecks · 07/07/2019 21:07

No advice for your immediate problem, but piping up to say my nan was very much the same way in one respect: She was mean, overly critical, unreasonably strict, and very controlling with my mum (only daughter, 4 brothers), but is genuinely a wonderful grandmother and always has been. She minded all of my family's kids (so 4-8 depending on what year it was) every single day and was never that way with me or any of the other girls. It's hard to believe the things my mum has told me came from the same woman.

I suppose I'm saying it's not a guarantee that she will treat your DC as she did you.

Toohotformyliking · 07/07/2019 21:08

No answers, just sympathy. I have a similar relationship with my mother and she cornered me into letting her provide (paid) childcare. I know that makes me sound utterly pathetic but every time I've tried to switch to professional childcare, she's been horrendous (telling me I'm cruel and selfish, that I shouldn't have had kids if I'm so selfish as to dump them, that she might be dead soon, telling me that my DC will be slapped and left in her own shit in a nursery, saying that she's my DC's only security in life). And yes, I'm a coward. I'd stand up to her if I thought she was a risk to my DC, of course, but I can't fault her as a grandmother.

Anyway, once our arrangement was in place, she decided that she had to provide all childcare out of my house because it's not fair on her dogs to have my DC at hers. And she's so intrusive and makes me feel so infantilised. Plus she pressurised me into letting my father (her ex) come round to my place to clean regularly, even though he was a bully when I was growing up and I feel physically sick at the idea of him being in my house and going through my things/ finding fault.

It sucks, doesn't it?

RandomMess · 07/07/2019 21:09

Use a CM on swimming day, change swimming day. Basically stop her need to come to the house even if it means paying for childcare...

Mummyshark2018 · 07/07/2019 21:10

Choose your battles. I'd either find alternative arrangements or accept that this will be the way it is. Personally I'd love someone to clean my house!

BlueJava · 07/07/2019 21:11

I understand the issue is that she cleans your home, which I wouldn't like either. However, you say: she’s always been a hideous mother, she’s extremely short tempered with me, she has absolutely no respect for my wishes or my privacy

You then say "She is like a completely different person around my children* Is she? or is that only when you are there?

If she is that bad to you I wouldn't want her looking after my kids - time to get a nursey.

Bookworm4 · 07/07/2019 21:12

Your son ‘wouldn’t learn to swim’? How do you think kids who are in nursery 5 days do? Go at the weekend, have a longer commute, DS go to breakfast club. You can’t moan about your DM when the sole reason she’s there is to make your life easier.

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