To ask my mother not to clean my house

[LovelyBranches]

This is a strange one and to those of you with no help I am very sorry.

My mother helps to look after my 4 year old son. She picks him up from school twice a week and on one of those days takes him to swimming. On the other day she looks after my 2 year old daughter too.

I am very grateful for this help and she is an excellent and lovely grandmother.

However on the day that she takes my son swimming, she likes to come to my house just as I have left for work and ‘go through it’. I really hate it. There’s the pettiness that I never get a day in my own house on my own and she’s there from 9:30-3:30 on her own, drinking cups of tea and watching my tv (and in the winter, putting the heating on all day) but I also feel really intruded upon.

She is a lovely grandmother but she’s always been a hideous mother, she’s extremely short tempered with me, she has absolutely no respect for my wishes or my privacy and she very much treats me as if I am 15. It’s almost heartbreaking to see how patient and kind she can be with my children given how quickly she would slap me when I was growing up (she has been warned that if she ever hit my children she would never see them again). She completely lacks boundaries when it comes to me and still shouts at me and tells me off as if I am a teenager.

Anyway, back to the cleaning. She is very houseproud and likes to clean my house when i’m not there. My dh thinks this is wonderful but I really hate it. She likes to tell me how much she does for me and how grateful I should be to her and she likes to tell everyone who we come into contact with, how much she does for me. I don’t ask for this help and i’m perfectly capable of cleaning my own house. I follow TOMM and have my own routines but my mother likes to tell me that it’s ‘not up to her standards’.

I’ve asked her politely not to come down to clean my house and she will slam the phone down and refuse to speak to me. She tells me that she’s bored because her house is perfect and my house always has so much for her to do.

It’s now causing conflict because my dh thinks I should just let her get on with it, but I hate it.

AIBU?

Yanbu at all op. Sounds like she was abusive to you when you were growing up and is now stamping all over your boundaries as an adult. Of course this is hurtful. - Why your own dh and some other pps don't get this is a mystery to me.
I'd tell her it's on your terms (not in those words) or you'll find alternative childcare.
Maybe you should also decrease contact a bit for your own sanity.
My mum has been like this at times in my life. She's mellowed in her old age, sorted herself out a lot and is so much nicer these days (but still a bit mad) so there is hope!

Hi. I am a grandmother, looking after DGS twice a week, and doing the afternoon school run some days for DGD. I help DD with swimming. I stop over.

I keep asking am I doing this right?

I sort the dishwasher, pop washing in, and sometimes run the Hoover around.

I do this as my DD had horrendous post natal depressions, combined with a divorce, house move, end of employment; and needed support.

I tell her that
"Support is only Support, if it helps. Sometimes Support means stepping back and making/allowing the supportee make their own way through stuff, with support available for advice or a safety net. Otherwise it is suffocation. Suffocation is not support"

Ask yourself, are you supported or suffocated?

Choose one or the other, unfortunately, IMHO, you can't have both.

Sorry for the bluntness, but life has knocked the smooth bits off me and I'm afraid I tell it like I see it.

Your DM has made her bed, let her lie in it. The only way to get any peace of mind for you is distance and firm boundaries. Don’t you see your DM is using your wish for your DD and DS to attend the activities to get back at you and make you feel small?

If you are actually home one day a week, it is great. You can schedule DS’s swimming lesson for your day off or the weekend. You have got three days a week to play with compared to just two for ordinary full time workers.

But it is clear you are deep in FOG and can’t master the courage to stand up to your DM. I understand as my DH and ILs have the same dynamic. A lifetime of conditioning is hard to break. My DH has never been happier since he escaped their yoke. Yes, we don’t get much help and nobody comes to clean my house, but I’d rather that, than take all the shit that comes with it. No thanks, we’ll manage.

I appreciate though that I can see the situation for what it’s worth because I have lovely caring selfless parents who wouldn’t dream rifling through my paperwork while I’m out. So I was happy to give them unfettered access to our house as they show some respect and treat us as adults.

Seriously, involving your DM is not worth it, not for swimming lessons, not for anything. She will always cause more damage than she’d ever give help. This also applies to your children. Don’t be fooled.

I also think this sounds awful. I wouldn't put up with it.

I would research alternatives. Be as creative as you can be until you come up with a solution. Set it in motion and then tell her that you've decided to make a change. Please don't put up with her treating you like this. Long-term, it's not good for you or your chn.

My mum has a key to our house and is welcome to come any time during the day to watch tele as we are at work. That's when she surprise cleans

Although OPs mother doesn't sound like mine so I get her point

My mum did make me feel very inadequate when I had a baby as she used to have him at mine 1.5 days a week and I always came home to a clean house, happy baby and a cooked meal for us. Then again she pointed out that it was easier for her not being the 'mum' but the grandma.

Thank you to everyone who has contributed here. What I thought was a cleaning issue has actually open my eyes to all the things I have allowed to happen. Thank you also for the recommendations to look at stately homes threads, i’ll be taking a look soon.

Yesterday after receiving some of this feedback I tried to put my foot down. I asked very politely (because previously she has said that I speak rudely to her when i’m trying to say something she doesn’t want to hear), if she could please pick me son up but not go to my house beforehand. She went nuts, since then i’ve had about 10 phone calls from her and she ended up not listening to me and coming down at 1:30 anyway and then giving me a row because she hadn’t had time to do everything. I am furious but my children were there so I haven’t said anything but when i’ve tried to speak to my dh about it he’s been very dismissive too. I’ve realised how much of a problem that is. He doesn’t really care and would never ever defend me, he thinks that it’s helpful and I should get over it.

I have previously had a cleaner, I had started to think I was going mad when my mother was telling me that my house was dirty, I know it’s the absolute opposite so I secretly hired a cleaner so I had peace of mind that it was clean. She still criticised me house. When I had my dd she really ramped up the visits and would spend all day (9am-7pm) at my house at least 3 days a week, sometimes that was helpful, other times I felt suffocated. I ended up telling her that I had a cleaner so she started coming down when the cleaner was here and following them around criticising them as they cleaned and telling me that I should be teaching them to clean my house. When I went back to work she would make a special visit to my house before the cleaner came so that she could hide the cordless Hoover I kept in the kitchen and that they would use the more powerful Hoover I have.

The cleaner quit.

My father has passed away, my mother is one of 5 and her two sisters have passed since then too. Her two brothers live far away. We have very little family now, except my fathers family (my mother is close to one particular aunt) I am an only child. I have felt responsible.

I’m really sorry that I seemed to have drip fed throughout this thread but it’s taken this to realise that actually things have been awful for a long time and i’m really struggling to keep thinks working on the surface but underneath feeling like i’m drowning.

I think you need to take away her key, find other childcare and only allow her to see your children when you're also at the house - or meet her at the park.

LovelyBranches

I hope this thread has been helpful, and please disregard the posts from those who aren't really taking on board the actual issues.

Lovely you REALLY need the help on offer over at the stately homes thread. You’ll be amazed at how your perspective will change. Good luck x

Arrange alternative childcare, change the locks and put the phone down every single time she has a go at you.
Tell her you'll only speak to her when she's civil. She comes to the door, don't let her in.

And sit down with your husband and spell out what this is doing to you.

I think you need to be clearer with your DH and say I feel, It affects me by, I am angry about, so it’s not a winge

Also if I used alternative childcare for my son then he wouldn’t learn to swim and I think it’s important for him

Why couldn't an alternative carer take him to swimming classes?

You really need to knock the entire care arrangement on the head. If you want your children to have a relationship with your mother, it can happen occasionally at weekends and/or at her house. I suspect, however, that the reality is that as they become older and more independent they will start to experience at least some of what you had when you were growing up so will want to see less of your mother anyway.

If she goes on about what an awful daughter you are, tell her that is because she gave you an awful childhood, and put the phone down. If she keeps phoning, don't answer.

Why can’t you teach him to swim at the weekends and holidays? That’s what I did with mine.