To ask my mother not to clean my house

[LovelyBranches]

This is a strange one and to those of you with no help I am very sorry.

My mother helps to look after my 4 year old son. She picks him up from school twice a week and on one of those days takes him to swimming. On the other day she looks after my 2 year old daughter too.

I am very grateful for this help and she is an excellent and lovely grandmother.

However on the day that she takes my son swimming, she likes to come to my house just as I have left for work and ‘go through it’. I really hate it. There’s the pettiness that I never get a day in my own house on my own and she’s there from 9:30-3:30 on her own, drinking cups of tea and watching my tv (and in the winter, putting the heating on all day) but I also feel really intruded upon.

She is a lovely grandmother but she’s always been a hideous mother, she’s extremely short tempered with me, she has absolutely no respect for my wishes or my privacy and she very much treats me as if I am 15. It’s almost heartbreaking to see how patient and kind she can be with my children given how quickly she would slap me when I was growing up (she has been warned that if she ever hit my children she would never see them again). She completely lacks boundaries when it comes to me and still shouts at me and tells me off as if I am a teenager.

Anyway, back to the cleaning. She is very houseproud and likes to clean my house when i’m not there. My dh thinks this is wonderful but I really hate it. She likes to tell me how much she does for me and how grateful I should be to her and she likes to tell everyone who we come into contact with, how much she does for me. I don’t ask for this help and i’m perfectly capable of cleaning my own house. I follow TOMM and have my own routines but my mother likes to tell me that it’s ‘not up to her standards’.

I’ve asked her politely not to come down to clean my house and she will slam the phone down and refuse to speak to me. She tells me that she’s bored because her house is perfect and my house always has so much for her to do.

It’s now causing conflict because my dh thinks I should just let her get on with it, but I hate it.

AIBU?

You poor thing, I get where you're coming from, my bitch of a mother has never ever respected my opinion & has always tried to turn it the other way & says I dont listen to her. Your mother sounds equally self centred.

You have the added complication of a partner who doesn't get it. I think you need to work on explaining it to him so he understands how you feel when (yet again) you express your desires to your mother & she trampled across them.

This may take professional help, but you shouldn't feel like you can't ask for privacy in your own home.
Totally with you, and wishing you good luck in dealing with this situation.

My DM threw something away once when she was at my house and I wasn’t there. I was so upset and angry although it was an inconsequential item in the grand scheme of things. It’s all about control and diminishing your feelings of self-worth, and wow is your DM good at it.
To the wider world she looks like the perfect GM (and I bet she tells everyone how much she does for you) but you know it’s all a game and you’re losing. Stop it now OP, take back control, you won’t regret it.

I do think some women are conditioned to put up with stuff from their mothers that they would never accept from a MIL or any other adult.
It sounds like you need to get stuff off your chest OP so that you mother acknowledges the way she she treated you as a child.
I bet you haven't told your husband the half of your true relationship with your mother. Tell your husband or a friend so that someone else knows about the abuse you suffered. It will give you courage to tackle your mother.

This may sound counter-intuitive, but what about paying for a cleaner? Then telling her you don't need her to come in early as you are already paying someone to do it. Reverse her accusations back at her. If she is constantly telling everyone she is doing so much for you, say "Well, I thought about it and didn't want to impose any further, so I've arranged for a cleaner, you don't need to do it anymore. Thanks for all your help so far".

A couple of hours of a cleaner would be cheaper than alternative childcare. Even arrange for the cleaner to be in that same day as the swimming and just be clear she can't come any earlier as you want the cleaner disturbed while they are working...

I find it so hard. I am utterly torn because when I see her being loving with my children I wish she had been like that with me. Looking at her with them is the relationship I wanted with her.

look, OP, you are trying to work out the difficult relationship with your mother through your children. She knows this and is using it as a stick to beat you with. I think you need to accept that your relationship with your mother is awful and that is her fault. Her relationship with you sucks to this day. her relationship with her grandchildren may or may not be fine. I suspect as they get older it will get way more problamatic. But she is using her relationship with them to have a go at you.

I would just stop it. your children don't need soft play or swimming lessons to make them happy. They need happy parents and a nice family. grandmother not actually required (which she knows and probably is driving her behaviour)

I think you should get over to teh stately homes thread and start putting yourself first for a change.

OP your mother sounds absolutely horrific. Really controlling and emotionally abusive and manipulative and condescending.

My DM used to try and do cleaning for me and I used to hate it. Like she was passing judgment on how crap I was at looking after my home and how she was somehow a better wife and mother than me. When in reality to me the state of my house just wasn’t that important to me. It used to really piss me off, and I didn’t have all the other stuff going on that you’ve got with your mother.

You’ve got to put your big girl pants on and sort it. Tell her what the rules are and if she doesn’t like it the arrangement has to come to an end. Your house, your rules. Be firm.

To all the PPs saying they’d love to get free cleaning of their house - this is not about cleaning, and even it is was it’s not free, the price being paid is way way too high.

How do you know she doesn't treat your children the way she treated you? You have no idea what goes on when you're not there....

First world problem? ......If you don't like it, don't accept her help. I wish I'd had my DM available to help at this stage.

Oh gosh, people really love to be obtuse.

My DM died before my DC were born, and MIL lives on the other side of the world.

Neither of them are manipulative pains in the neck though, so of course I'd love to have them with me.

Clearly that doesn't apply to the OP, who understandably (at least for most people 🙄 ) doesn't want her mum 'helping' when it's actually not helping.

I like Neednameinspiration's idea about getting a cleaner, and heading her off at the pass. Tell her you're worried about how much she does - throw it back at her.

Sorry but this is a you problem. You need to grow a backbone and distance yourself from her. She needs to spend much less time at your house, especially alone for extended periods of time, and she needs to stop belittling you. You absolutely need to change your childcare arrangements for the sake of your mental health. She doesn’t sound like a good mother, rather a manipulative martyr that you’re desperate to impress.

I feel your despair OP! I thought for a very long time that the relationship between my mother and I was my fault because I wasnt what she wanted in a daughter. Nothing helped.
She once shouted at me for trying to please people and said it was weak and pathetic! Then I met DH2. He sees straight through her narcissism and knows when I need a hug and when he can help me laugh at her. It takes the sting out. She is magnificently self centred and sometimes downright bonkers which my DH finds hilarious whilst acknowledging that the personal attacks are not fun for me. Its lonely without an ally. Chat with your DH. He can really help in this situation.

I wouldn’t accept this either. It’s your home: your choice.

I’d tell her that if she can’t respect that this is your decision you’ll regretfully have to bring an end to this arrangement.

OP you seem to be making excuses for her, DS wouldn’t get his swimming lessons, DD wouldn’t get to go to soft play etc. What do you think other working parents do? Go at weekends.

I am NC with my Mother for a lot of reasons but one was I could start to see her treating the DC the way she treated me.

You’ve got two choices a)grow a backbone tell her no she doesn’t need to look after the DC anymore or b) put up with it

Why does she want to watch tv at your house? You don't mention your father. Is she a widow? Is she lonely?

It sounds as though the dynamic between you and your mother has never changed. She is still the overbearing, interfering parent and you are still the petulant child. You need to work towards developing a healthier more mature adult/adult relationship.

I can see why you find her presence intrusive but it's not fair to just use her as free childcare if you don't actually like her or want her in your house. Grow up, take back control of your life, pay for childcare and allow your mother to be a doting granny by visiting at weekends. People treat us as we allow ourselves to be treated.

@LovelyBranches I can sympathise. Still a child to my mother too. Critical of everything, comparing me to her friends children, better job, 16 kids, nicer hair, lost weight, whatever. She can’t accept I’m chronically ill and thinks a couple of paracetamol will solve it all, it drives me crazy!! And the world doesn’t see it...oh aren’t you lucky? Isn’t she lovely? I fucking hate it!!!!

Wow...erm...shit, sorry OP!!! That was therapeutic

What I was going to say, I understand. In the short term, I think a cleaner is a great idea, she can’t do it if someone already is, eventually she’ll stop. And hopefully not move to something else.
I send you patience, and you may need them!!!

I find it so hard. I am utterly torn because when I see her being loving with my children I wish she had been like that with me. Looking at her with them is the relationship I wanted with her

This sounds like perpetual torture.

Please listen to the good advice on here and create some new strong protective emotional boundaries. Your DM could even be over-exaggerating how wonderful and loving her relationship with your DC is deliberately to rub it in even more. Don't give her the power.

Op and other posters in a similar situation i totally get this! My DM lives 1.5 hours away and we have a cleaner but when she is here she tries to take over and do stuff which makes dh and I feel like she is passing judgment on our slightly chaotic lives. She is massively controlling but I’ve come to see it as coming from the fact she cares and is also very anxious generally, which makes me view her a little more kindly.

Thank you, pallisers - I'm working on it!

"I do think some women are conditioned to put up with stuff from their mothers that they would never accept from a MIL or any other adult."

I think this is a really good point. I once had this same conversation with a female colleague in her 50s whose mother still bullies and controls her. We discovered that our mothers both had the mantra "your son is your son until he gets a wife but your daughter is your daughter all your life" . Sounds cute, but in practice it meant that we'd been conditioned into believing that daughters can't walk away no matter how much crap they have to take. Whereas our mothers were always perfectly respectful of our brothers' boundaries because sons might leave.

I come back from work sometimes to find my mum has been in and cleaned our house. It's lush. Such a lovely thing to do. We love it when that happens. It's always a surprise which is nicer

Funny isn't it, how children are expected to do chores round the house, its a crime when mothers do the same in an adult childs house …. and come old age, daughters will be expected to roll up sleeves and keep on cleaning their aged parents houses ...

TBH OP, having an OCD mother (for real, not a tritely slung out phrase) perpetual cleaning and repetitive orderliness is a real MH issue, and it is the way they keep order in their lives. So as much as your childhood was dictated by her need for perfection, she doesn't have the same worries with your son - but her need for perfection does extend into cleaning your house weekly.

Frankly, provided she didn't go into my personal space ie my bedroom, I'd be more than happy for her to do the cleaning. And the washing. And the ironing. Any chance she mows lawns and prunes too?

I always thought it was a mother/daughter thing, that having lived in the same house, and been taught, you would share practices and help each other out.

She can come over here and clean my house. Could you maybe fit locks on the bedroom doors?

That’s the day she comes to my house at 9:30 and spends all day at my house with nobody else there.

What's her reason for doing this when there are no children to look after between 9.30 and 3.30?

Those saying ‘how wonderful’ really aren’t getting the point

The mother is clearly using this cleaning as a stick to beat OP with. It’s not a nice thing she’s doing.

Sounds awful OP. And I'd doubt shes as wonderful with DC when you're not there. Also I'd be quite concerned about what shes saying to them about you when you're not there. I think you need to stop it and get alternative child care.

I'd be finding alternative childcare too, op. The price you are paying for this 'free' childcare is much, much too high.
I'd also be tempted to get some counselling for yourself, to work of your self esteem, so that you can put better boundaries in place around her.