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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my mother not to clean my house

88 replies

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 20:31

This is a strange one and to those of you with no help I am very sorry.

My mother helps to look after my 4 year old son. She picks him up from school twice a week and on one of those days takes him to swimming. On the other day she looks after my 2 year old daughter too.

I am very grateful for this help and she is an excellent and lovely grandmother.

However on the day that she takes my son swimming, she likes to come to my house just as I have left for work and ‘go through it’. I really hate it. There’s the pettiness that I never get a day in my own house on my own and she’s there from 9:30-3:30 on her own, drinking cups of tea and watching my tv (and in the winter, putting the heating on all day) but I also feel really intruded upon.

She is a lovely grandmother but she’s always been a hideous mother, she’s extremely short tempered with me, she has absolutely no respect for my wishes or my privacy and she very much treats me as if I am 15. It’s almost heartbreaking to see how patient and kind she can be with my children given how quickly she would slap me when I was growing up (she has been warned that if she ever hit my children she would never see them again). She completely lacks boundaries when it comes to me and still shouts at me and tells me off as if I am a teenager.

Anyway, back to the cleaning. She is very houseproud and likes to clean my house when i’m not there. My dh thinks this is wonderful but I really hate it. She likes to tell me how much she does for me and how grateful I should be to her and she likes to tell everyone who we come into contact with, how much she does for me. I don’t ask for this help and i’m perfectly capable of cleaning my own house. I follow TOMM and have my own routines but my mother likes to tell me that it’s ‘not up to her standards’.

I’ve asked her politely not to come down to clean my house and she will slam the phone down and refuse to speak to me. She tells me that she’s bored because her house is perfect and my house always has so much for her to do.

It’s now causing conflict because my dh thinks I should just let her get on with it, but I hate it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

pallisers · 07/07/2019 21:13

My mother likes to make me feel beholden to her and regularly likes to tell me how grateful I should be, how I am the worlds worst daughter because she is so good to me, and how little I do for her. I feel miserable and want to put a stop to her coming down at all but I know that this will affect my children who love her and who also benefit from what she does for them.

To be perfectly honest in your situation I would prioritise myself and my own feelings over my 4 year old's swimming lessons. Take him for lessons on Saturday morning instead. Your mother is deliberately trampling over all of your boundaries. Your dh doesn't care because he wasn't reared by her. I loved my mum and she was a great mum and a fab granny but I would have put my foot down completely if she was cleaning my house when I didn't want her to (difference is she'd have listened).

I know you think she is a wonderful grandmother but I wonder about that. Both my own mum and my MIL were wonderful grandmothers - they were lovely to their grandchildren, they respected our boundaries, and they were really supportive of us. Your mother is only ticking one of those boxes.

Honestly, this would bug me so much I would just gradually change it. Switch your ds's lessons to saturday or friday evening or your day off and tell your mum there has been a change of plan. Add another day of nursery for your dd. Tell your dh he can't get it because he wasn't reared by her but it bothers you so he should be on your side.

your mum can still see her grandchildren the way other people do - having them over for visits, calling in, bringing them to the park etc. she doesn't need to be in your house, critisizing your cleaning, and ignoring your wishes to be an active involved grandmother.

pallisers · 07/07/2019 21:15

And jesus, toohotformyliking, I think you should try to talk to someone to figure out how you can stop putting up with that shit (I say that as someone who had to see a therapist to stop putting up with shit from my sister)

gamerchick · 07/07/2019 21:16

Change swimming day to one you can go to. Find someone else to do the childcare and take her key back.

Any excuse you come up with to solutions given to you just say that you just want to vent. That's fine but nothing will change unless you make it. You either accept her cleaning or you stop her getting in your house when you're not there.

nethunsreject · 07/07/2019 21:16

Your mum is being disrespectful and is exerting her control over you. I recognise this situation. She knows that you need her help, but boy, you have to pay! Honestly, get a childminder if at all possible. And restrict her access to your house.

Heartofglass12345 · 07/07/2019 21:17

The posters who are saying you should be grateful are probably the ones who have normal parents. My mum is very house proud but she knows not to even comment on anything to do with my house or clean/ tidy when she's here.
I think it's a control thing for your mum. She absolutely does not need to spend the whole day at your house to pick your son up at 3:30. You need to be brave and talk to her about it or it's never going to stop.

Sizeofalentil · 07/07/2019 21:17

Could you get an alarm and change the code weekly so that she can't get in?

nethunsreject · 07/07/2019 21:19

Heart of glass is a spot on too. People who've said you should be 'grateful', don't have overbearing, smothering, controlling, horrible parents. It's horrible, being steamrollered over your entire life. Little things on their own, but constant.

poglets · 07/07/2019 21:19

Is there a reason she comes to you and does not look after the children in her own home? Does she live near by?

I'd try to shift it to her house and also change the swimming day.

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 21:21

I find it so hard. I am utterly torn because when I see her being loving with my children I wish she had been like that with me. Looking at her with them is the relationship I wanted with her.

What I have is a relationship that feels completely transactional. I am never ever good enough, I don’t do enough, she likes to tell me how much she does for me, how much she ‘helps’ me, but I feel intruded upon.

I asked her earlier this afternoon if she wouldn’t come down tomorrow until it was picking up time for my son. She put the phone down on me, has told me that I am an awful daughter, that I do nothing for her. I don’t look after her and that she has to build a life for herself which I am not part of. She’s brought up how good each of my cousins are to their mothers and how awful I am. I feel dreadful. Last week she had a stomach ache and I spent my day off looking after her but apparently I looked like I couldn’t wait to leave...I never seem to ever be able to get anything right.

OP posts:

nethunsreject · 07/07/2019 21:24

Oh Lovely, do we have the same mum?? Honestly, I sent this afternoon reading the site linked from the stately homes thread: daughters of narcissistic mothers, and it's so relatable to, it's hard to take in. But it is reassuring. Do not let your mum do this to you. It's not okay or normal or healthy. She's manipulating you.

gamerchick · 07/07/2019 21:28

Man, you so need to come out of the FOG thing OP. Once you do, you'll never look back I swear.

Original poster

LovelyBranches · 07/07/2019 21:31

Also just to clarify the swimming, my son goes to school in a language we don’t speak at home. His classes are in that language and lots of his classmates go to the same class. Before he started them he was afraid of the water and other lessons haven’t seemed to get him to feel confident but these have. He’s happy to learn with people he knows in the language he uses all day. It’s been one of the reasons I have been reluctant to rock the boat.

With my dd I could put her in nursery for an extra day but I know that she likes being home and enjoys time with my mother. Often my mother will take her to soft play on that day which she loves and never get’s to go to otherwise.

Since my dc have been born I have tried to separate my relationship with my mother into different boxes to cope with things, so how she treats me is secondary to how she treats my children. If she were ever to treat my children badly then I would have no hesitation in stopping that, but I have put up with things like feeling intruded upon because I have felt it was in the best interests of my children.

OP posts:

Sistersis · 07/07/2019 21:35

Op you need to shut this down. Your kids can't grow up seeing their mother being disrespected. They'll pick up on it and start to be disrespectful.

You take you done swimming and pay fit childcare, otherwise don't complain. People like your mother will never change. She sees you lesser than her and thinks you should be grateful, she will never respect your boundaries. If she didn't when you were in your teens, what makes you think she will do so when you're a grown woman in your home.

Stop this before even more damage gets done.

RandomMess · 07/07/2019 21:37

I have to agree you are deep in the FOG and she will use her relationship with the DC against you...

bridgetreilly · 07/07/2019 21:42

Does she actually need to be in your house at all? Couldn't she look after the children at her house when she has them? And then you can just change the locks/take her key away.

Princessbubbles · 07/07/2019 22:11

I completely understand how you feel. My mum looked after my children when they were younger and preferred to be in my house as it was easier all round. I was extremely grateful to her as I was studying but I would come back and she would gloat how ‘sparkling my kettle was now’ ‘it was filthy’ etc. She literally ironed everything she could find. She loved telling my friends as well. We lived together for a short while as well and she did all the housework, washing, childcare, everything! I felt redundant and like a sibling to my children, not their mum. It was such a relief to get my own place again and I couldn’t wait to do some housework again (that soon wore off!).
Years later I now feel grateful as I wouldn’t be where I am now or have the career I have if it wasn’t for her.

GreenTulips · 07/07/2019 22:20

My GM was like this with my mother and still is to some degree.

Kids pick up on these things

We moved away and we were so much happier, the house was never tidy but we had a lot of fun and dreaded the GM visits

GreenTulips · 07/07/2019 22:21

Because of GM interfering, my mother has taken a huge step back from all her children and ‘leaves us to it’ in a sad way really.

quizqueen · 07/07/2019 22:24

I'd love someone to clean my house for nothing, however you don't, so you need to lay down the house rules or find alternate childcare. So tell her that, although you appreciate her help very much, if she can't understand that you have boundaries then she will only be able to have access to the key to your house on the day she looks after your daughter at your home and she is not allowed to go there on the swimming day or any other day, uninvited. Why would she need to anyway? - (school pick up and straight to swim).

If she makes a fuss about not having a key permanently and handing it over, then say you will have to get a key safe outside and you change the code to one she knows just for that one day a week that she needs to be there and the rest of the week it's a secret code that she doesn't know. People need to learn to stand up for themselves over things which affect their lives, I'm afraid, and stop being a wuss. If she wants to carry on childminding under your rules then she has to comply with your wishes and can have the key again.

GreenTulips · 07/07/2019 22:46

It’s not the cleaning it’s the criticism!

tobedtoMNandfart · 07/07/2019 23:03

Her treatment of your children, whilst appearing good, is further evidence of her manipulative nature. Frankly I'm stunned you give her unfettered access with the way she treats you.

You asked her not to come, she slammed the phone down. This is YOUR house. Ok Mum this arrangement doesn't work for me anymore. I've asked you to respect my wishes & you won't.

Tell DH he needs to have your back otherwise you and he have serious problems.
And you need to work through the FOG.
Good luck 💐

Nanny0gg · 07/07/2019 23:09

How your mothers treat you is very much part of their relationship with your children.

If they don't respect you, your children will notice.

All of you that put up with being badly treated by your parents need to stand up for yourselves, ignore their tantrums and make alternative arrangements.

sazzle27 · 07/07/2019 23:30

OP, does your mother have to enter your house at all between picking your son up and taking him swimming?

Would it be possible to leave by another door with a spare key left in the front door, making sure she cant get into your house until after swimming, when you'll be there anyway?

EleanorReally · 07/07/2019 23:32

my dm was just the same,
i darent complain,
she came over to look after my dc, would cook, clean, iron.
but boy i had to grit my teeth

have a word with her op

LaurieMarlow · 07/07/2019 23:38

Pay for childcare. More the swimming lesson to a Saturday.

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