To still feel shaken / upset at hospital

[26mcjrfm]

This may be long, apologies.

I gave birth to my DD2, 2 weeks ago. I went to admissions when contractions were 4 in 10mins and I was in significant pain. The midwife was very rough with me, and triggered a panic attack when she examined me. She wouldn’t let DP in to the room as I had requested during the examination (?) She then informed me that I was not in labour at all as I was only 2cm, and suggested I was widely exaggerating my pain. I started crying at this stage, and got very panicked and upset, so she agreed to admit me to the antenatal ward until I had established labour. I asked would I have access to pain relief there and she assured me I could have gas and air and anything bar an epidural.

DD1 was back to back, and from the scans, so was DD2. During my labour with DD1, I was contracting continuously but was not dilating. I laboured like this in immense pain for 21 hours until I got to 3cm and they agreed to an epidural, and within 2 hours I had given birth.

When I got to the antenatal ward I asked for gas and air, and was told “you’re not in labour, you’ll get no pain relief here. I’ll run you a bath”. I explained what happened in my previous labour, and they just repeated again that I wasn’t in established labour as only 2cm. Now at this stage I was squealing the ward down in pain, begging for pain relief and was given 2 paracetamol. The midwives were visibly rolling their eyes at me and telling me to calm down. Every contraction was triggering another panic attack (I’d never experienced a panic attack until this day) and it got to the stage that I was pushing. I knew something wasn’t right but no one would listen. At 4pm I cried and begged for an epidural, so they examined me and said ok you’re 3cm now, we’ll see if delivery will accept you.

I arrived to delivery suite at 4.32pm and immediately requested an epidural. They hooked me up to foetal heart monitor and examined me and I was 9cm, so too late for epidural. Next thing, they hit the crash button and a consultant came running in. She explained to me that baby was extremely distressed and needed delivered, so she was going to manually remove the remaining cervix as I pushed. I was in agony. This didn’t work, so she started getting visibly distressed herself, calling out that theatre needed cleared out as this baby needed to be delivered. I consented to a c-section and just as we were about to go, my waters broke and she tried again and DD2 was delivered. After she had to be resuscitated but has made a fantastic recovery and we’re both doing great.

The consultant came back later that evening and explained that she came from an EMCS to me as my baby’s HR was at 60bpm for 8mins when it should be between 110-160 during labour. She explained that guidelines state that if foetal HR is lowered for more than 9mins it can be fatal, which is why it was essential that my baby was delivered ASAP. I am forever grateful to the midwives and doctors that helped deliver DD and save her life.

But I am so annoyed at the midwives at admissions and on antenatal ward who did not listen one bit to me, rolled their eyes, and refused me pain relief when I was so clearly distressed and telling them that I was in labour.

I have discussed this with my community midwife, who has suggested I request to talk to someone regarding my care and to get access to my green notes. But I don’t know what I would say. I have no grievance as DD and I are perfectly fine. But I just wish someone listened to me.

I guess I am asking WWYD? Would you request to speak to someone in the hospital? Or would you be thankful all worked out ok and take time to reflect yourself?

I don't remember birth number 3, the midwife wouldn't examine me until 4 hours after the last examination. Baby number 3 thought differently and wanted out. X had to practically force a midwife into my room, the baby arrived 3 minutes later. I'd had so much had an air I thought I was floating around the room. I wish I had complained but it was poor experience number 3 too and I just wanted to go home.

I would ask for a birth reflections meeting where they will go through your notes with you.
I found this very helpful after a traumatic birth with my DS and I found out things I was not aware of.
If afterwards you still don't feel happy with how your treatment was conducted I would contact PALS & make a complaint.

It’s a hidden atrocious thing, that needs the covers blown off it.

I needed 2 years of counselling after my traumatic birth (very similar treatment). It took me ages to admit how much it broke me, I was such a strong capable person before. I also had to untangle my trauma from the obviously life-changing act of just having and learning to care for a baby, with all those challenges.

I think the medical staff count on this, and our society tells us firmly that we have nothing to complain about if we take home a live baby and are just about able to walk. In the hospital, the whole process is geared to ‘live birth’ and only that. As if we women are just an annoying wrapper that needs to be ripped off the product.

Well I knew I was being treated badly, and they certainly compromised my future (and DD’s) by not listening and believing me about my body. They lied to me, ignored me for hours, tried to sneak in medical procedures with no explanation, kept swapping personnel (including students), argued in front of me and loads of eye rolling. I have a very high pain threshold, a practical outlook and a country woman’s tenacity. But they broke me, body and mind.

I wish I’d pushed them afterwards- taken names and made formal complaints. Been strong enough to call them all on their systems, from the top brass to the youngest student midwife.

I’m ok now, 8 years later. But it’s taken so much hard work, rehab, money, wasted time. Birth is meant to be challenging, sure, but getting framed as a wuss instead of having extra care when births aren’t ‘cookie cutter’ is so damn unfair.

I still get (privately) teary when friends get pregnant and close to birth. I fear for them so much. And I get teary again when I hear their stories afterwards. How smoothly it went, how well they’re recovering, how it was ‘just fine, really’. I’ve had to invent and rote learn an alternate bland birth story to tell when it comes up. So I don’t risk plunging myself back into the PTSD nightmare. I’m not looking forward to telling my DD one day. I can’t just keep telling her a lie forever, but don’t want her to know how awful it was. She will inevitably think she broke me, but it was definitely the midwives.

Good luck to you, don’t be put off getting help by anyone. Especially the voice inside you.

So very sorry you went through this OP. It sounds like you were let down so badly. Do follow this up with all the avenues suggested.

I just wanted to say re PALS, they may be somewhat helpful but don't expect them to be impartial - they are on the side of the hospital. They will work to stop you making any kind of legal claim, not to do what is in your best interests. Speaking from experience, though not birth related.

Independent advocacy (usually a charity) might be the best way, they should help you make your voice heard. I hope so.

madamePompadour you might be right in what you say about guidelines, I wouldn't know, but based on the OP's experience, maybe these guidelines need changing. There must be a way to better protect women and babies who are having 'unusual' births and pain would be an excellent indicator of needing to take more notice surely.

Lots of good wishes for you recovery OP

No, I totally agree and that's what I mean about how if someone had spent time with you they may have realised that.

Like in the case of the previous poster where they wouldn't examine as the monitor said the contractions weren't that frequent. Did the midwife sit with her hand on the abdomen and feel for them? I suspect not. Even if she didn't have the time for that the midwife didn't listen to the woman.

As midwives we are supposed to be "with women" to be their advocate.

and for every other woman affected. Its heartbreaking that any woman has to suffer cruelty at such a time xx

So sorry to hear what happened. definitely speak to someone.

I had a traumatic birth experience with DS (high-risk pregnancy) where in the antenatal ward they could "no longer find a heartbeat", at which point, in my distressed state, I was told by the midwife "I was making a fuss". Thankfully, all was OK with DS. I so wish at the time I raised it as an issue.

You should complain.. I had issues with my hospital stay after my first and my community midwife encouraged me to complain- I didn't. I was bleeding heavily during my second labour and denied pain relief (I asked very politely more than once) and the midwives were all going on what a perfect birth it had been, textbook, i must be mad for giving birth... completely ignoring the fact I was in agony and a bit terrified about my baby.

I was 19 went I went into labour with Ds19. Had a show at 7am, my mum phoned the delivery suite and they refused to accept me, as I wasn’t having regular contractions. My mum argued with them and they said I could go in but what be leaving soon after. Got to the delivery suite with dp around 8:40am. They hooked me up to the monitor and told me I couldn’t possible be in labour, in was Brixton hicks, but as they were quiet they would monitor me, but as it was my first I would be going home shortly. 9:50am ds was born.

I have no complaints etc except for not listening to me. Yes he was my first, no my waters hadn’t gone, but I knew this pain was different. Luckily mine was fast, no problem etc. But if i hadn’t gone in, or they had sent my straight home. Ds would have been born at home.

MadamePompadour - you’re so right. And from another point of view, our NHS is at breaking point. Maybe these midwives didn’t have the time to listen or monitor. Maybe they were exhausted too. I’ve now given birth to 2 DDs and experienced the antenatal and postnatal care with both throughout pregnancy and after, and I have to say that every midwife, student, support worker and doctor I have seen, apart from the 2 midwives that day, have provided the best care I could have asked for.

I did have one problem, but I don’t know if this was an oversight. I tore badly as ds came out. Feet up in stirrups, injected me with anaesthetic and started stitching me and I screamed and cried- broke both stirrups. Had more local anaesthetic, now had two midwifes holding my legs on their shoulders. They kept telling me I’d done the hard part, and didn’t flinch delivering, this was easy, it doesn’t hurt as I’ve had anaesthetic. I could feel every stitch.

Years later I was diagnosed with hyper mobility syndrome. I was asked had I ever had a problem with local anaesthetic? I explained, and my Rheumatologist said, you could feel it, you may as well been stitched with nothing, as it won’t work on you.

This thread has brought back memories of giving birth to DS1. I was deeply traumatised by my experience with brutally cruel midwives. I had complications, waters broke and I was induced and left in agony over night, crying continuously. I remember a midwife barging in to examine me after the longest, darkest, most agonising night of my life, and exclaiming, oh for god's sake you are only 2cm! She then walked off and left me lying there, destroyed. I didn't realise what was to come. I then went through labour with a midwife who sat with her back to me typing in her computer, and who sighed and rolled her eyes at every interaction. A seemingly endless stream of people wandered in and out while I was highly distressed and stuck their arms up my vagina. They even asked if they could bring a student in but I said no. I felt completely dehumanised. At one point after they had given up on the induction, I was almost insane with the pain and a midwife (different one) said, well we have stopped inducing you, this is all your own body now! It ended in an emergency section and I cried myself to sleep every night for six months afterwards. I had an elective section the second time around and refused all internal exams. I wanted no contact with any midwives. I felt completely brutalised and unable to express it because my son and I were physically ok. My second experience was great, very calm and I was treated humanely. DS1 is nearly 10 and I am still affected.

I’m so sorry you went through that. Of course you feel traumatised. Can I just say that having been through a very bad birth with medical errors that I did as I was told and had someone to look after my notes etc... I know wish I had actually made a formal complaint. I say that because I was assured in this informal meeting that x,y,z would be changed but I saw from when I was in hospital with my second child that had not happened. I now believe formal complaint is the only way to truly ensure they take this sort of thing seriously.

Sorry for the typos... long day

So sorry to all who have been affected 😞
When I had my first the midwife told me to shut up and stop making a fuss. I was fully dialated and starting to push, no pain relief in sight, despite repeated requests. My next baby was born blue and needed resuscitating, again, I told the midwife repeatedly that the contractions were closer and stronger...again no pain relief and I wasn't even on a monitor! My third was an emcs as baby breach, when I came round from GA, nurse called me a stupid idiot as I struggled to follow an instruction, as I was very groggy 😡 it's clear that there are staff that shouldn't be working this job 😠

Every time I read, or hear another account like yours from a woman who has given birth, I feel sick and in disbelief that we are treated this way. And it's usually by female midwives too - some are mothers.

My first was a shitstorm. I was visibly very distressed and having a panic attack throughout my labour. They weren't even going to admit me. She was born a few hours later, early in the morning, with just a mediocre gas and air supply for me. She had passed meconium which they discovered when my Waters went as I pushed her out.

My experience wasn't anywhere near as awful, dangerous or traumatic as yours, but it's had lasting effect on me. Saddest thing about it, maybe? My need to write them a thank you card detailing everything I was grateful for, plus a packet of nappies for the unit because we'd had to use a few as they wouldn't let us use our washables.

I don't want to detail what they out me through while I was in. But I'm still disgusted over a decade later.

@DeputyDawwwwg WTF??? Was this at the same hospital every time? I just cannot believe it. Despite being mistreated before and after the birth with my first.

1st and 3rd at the same hospital. It's in special measures...not surprisingly.

I had 'pre labour' for 3 days with my first, baby was back to back, contractions were not bringing on any dilation but they were constant and incredibly painful. They should have given you pain relief no matter what their thoughts with regards to where you were in labour, the same as anyone presenting with labour. The way you were treated deserves a complaint.

What happened to you next is terrible and deserves an even bigger complaint.

I am sorry you went through this, please try to get the hospital to organise some counselling for you, even years later I still have sleepless nights with regards to my labours/births.

^sorry, that should say, the same as anyone presenting with pain^

I had a horrible traumatic birth, an assisted delivery with an episiotomy but it was the treatment by staff that actually made it traumatic- the not being believed, sarcastic comments, eye rolls, little jokes made at my expense. It never leaves you. Totally agree with a PP that your general confidence gets effected as a result.

I hope you are ok now, and congrats on your baby. My labour was similar in ways, but lukcily did not end up in such an emergency situation as yours. First I had the hospital blatantly refusing to admit me at all and telling me I was not in 'that much pain' and such for hours and hours on the phone, finally, a changeove rhappened, or someone else answered the phone and told me to come right in, and it did turn out I was in labour. Then I did have the 'you are exagerrating the pain' stuff and eyerolls when contractions hit me from the person who examined me again. But there was a staff switchover and the one who took over was amazing so luckily I didn't have it for the whole time.

Complaining to the hospital was a nightmare. They purposely made the process so difficult, purposely mis-interpreted my questions so I didn't get straight answers, took months to reply each time and left out answers to half my questions etc etc.

Unfortunately this has been my experience also, of complaining about treatment. Not my labour, but with the pain clinic. I was blamed for the issues, I was told I imagined the issues, I was then told that the issues were right and I was unreasonable to object, and on and on and on. This was by PALS, thats usually highly recommended. When I complained direct to the hospital, I was literally ignored. So I went for PALS, who were better than ignoring me, but not good at all overall and I never got a satisfactory conslusion, which pissed me off a lot. So I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else. But it might be better for you, I hope it is should you chose that route.

I’m glad you and DD are ok OP. How very traumatising.

Personally I would report it, at least they could learn from mistakes hopefully preventing it happening again xx

I am so sorry to read this as I had a very similar experience and it still affects me to this day.
My first birth was amazing and calm with a very experienced midwife and my daughter arrived within an hour and a half of being at the hospital.
My sons birth was a very different story.
I was induced as he was very overdue and reduced movements.
I had the pessary inserted at 7pm and my husband was asked to go home around 9pm. We were told it could potentially take days.
There was one midwife monitoring the bay and my bed was right opposite the delivery ward doors.
I was told it was bedtime and lights out but my contractions started so I wanted to stay on my gym ball listening to music.
Like a good girl I put my pjs on and got into bed but then had to get up to visit the bathroom which was the other end of the bay to which the midwife was sat away in her office. I felt quite sick and dizzy. If I had passed out I wondered how long it would take her to of realised.
By now I was in a lot of pain so had to walk down and beg for paracetamol. I felt like a child disturbing their parents from sleep to tell them they have had a bad dream!
Despite knowing I was in labor the midwife in charge refused to accept this. It felt like a sick joke and messed with my head. If I was in so much pain but not in labor what was happening to me!
It wasn't very encouraging and I spent the next few hours in excruciating pain in the dark alone. My son was in the back to back to back position and the induction had made the contractions very fast and furious! I held onto the bars on the bed so tight that afterwards they shook for a few days after, were swollen and very weak.
It got to just before 5am and recognising that I wanted to push I called my husband and mum.
The midwife was shocked to discover that after not being in labor since 11pm that I was 10cm dilated. I had very rough exams my sons head grabbed and tried to be twisted and the pessary kept being reinserted!!
She called for someone to help and they picked up my things in a massive hurry and put me in a wheelchair to rush me to the delivery suite. How could it be so rushed and panicked when I was already in a hospital and meant to feel very safe.
The brutal exams continues and I almost tried to hold back as I wanted my husband there.
He had left me the evening before so happy and dressed beautifully and walked into me being a complete state.
The midwives were very short saying my sons heart rate was dropping and he was getting distressed but it was so hard as the contractions were slowing down. The alarms were hit and a team all came running in.
Upon hearing my baby was in distress I panicked and somehow managed to get him out and tore very badly myself.
After being stitched up I showered as quickly as I could, put my makeup on and discharged myself.
I instantly fell in love with my son but I felt like something had changed in me. It was the most difficult night of my life and I had it alone in the dark in excruciating pain, I was vulnerable and nobody was there. I’ve never felt so unloved and uncared for.
It caused problems in my marriage as I said my husband should have been calling for updates I shouldn’t of had to call him. I had nobody there to be my voice.
The midwife who did a home visit listened to what I told her and said to talk to as many people as I could about the experience and I did end up having counselling.
I’m not usually someone that cries much but 5 years on and I still can’t watch a birth without completely breaking my heart. It seems so special and they are surrounded by people who are so kind or love them.
In the end I separated from my husband I don’t think he will ever know or understand fully how that night made me feel and the deep sadness and pain.
In November 18 we decided to give our marriage another shot and much to both our surprise despite using two methods of contraception found out the week before Christmas 18 that baby 3 was on the way!
I figured this was perhaps the universe giving me some major CBT to help me overcome the trauma.
I’ve opted for a home birth which seems to petrify a lot of people but I tell them I was in hospital with one midwife that sat on the phone in her office.
The service I’m using means x2 midwives will be with me as well as having the love and support of my husband, mum and dad and x2 other children. If I get transferred to hospital at least I tried.
I am so sorry to hear of your awful experience but every birth is different and I think it’s fantastic you have had the courage to speak out. Please take comfort in the fact that there are probably millions of mums out there that feel that raw pain of horrific degrading births so please don’t ever feel you are on your own with this or accept that because your baby was well that it was ok to be treated so poorly at a time that should have been magical and felt like all your birthdays and Christmas’s rolled into one.

Yes, sometimes as a midwife it doesn't matter how hard you argue for an individual woman the overall service needs take priority.

I remember admitting a lady onto labour ward once, think it was her third baby. By the time she got to us her contractions had stopped. So not in labour. She told me with her previous kids it had been very, very quick. No real regular contractions but then an urge to push and a baby a few minutes later.

I certainly wasn't going to send her home as she to,d me she was confident the baby would arrive that day. She didn't want to move to the antenatal ward. Luckily the labour ward was quiet so I told her to stay. Didn't do anything with her all shift, let her potter around and told her to call me if she needed me.

The shift coordinator trusted me, but even she after six hours of nothing happening was beginning to tell me I ought to at least send her to the antenatal ward. After 7 hours the lady called me and said she wanted to push.....still hadn't had any contractions that she had noticed! Five mins later had a baby!

Yes I listened to her when maybe some wouldn't have. But most days we would have been too busy for her to stay on labour ward. Antenatal ward has a strict stupid rule of not allowing early labourers to be admitted. I would have argued like mad though to get her in. But even then, she would have given birth in a bay on an antenatal ward which wouldn't have been ideal.

You're right, the nhs is at breaking point due to capacity/staffing/workload.