To be worried about friend- are these behaviours ok?

[ValleyofCrows]

My friend has been acting strangely (IMO) over the past few months.

Her personality has remained the same but she has started behaving differently. When I have commented she either becomes defensive or brushes it off.

Some of the things are

1. When she wants a cold drink (can of pop) she takes it out of the fridge and puts it in the freezer for exactly 15 minutes (uses a timer) so it’s the right temperature.

1. Buys plastic containers and transfers food items from original packaging into tubs / containers which she will then label herself like ‘nuts’, biscuits, rice etc. Everything has to be facing the correct way so the label can be read as soon as the cupboard is opened.

1. Sets the table for breakfast the night before.

1. Won’t ever drive in to a parking space, always reversing despite that sometimes being more tricky.

1. Started carrying spare plastic bags in her hand bag in case she ‘needs’ them

1. Buys food for the whole family, but some items are ‘forbidden’ for everyone else e.g mini Aeros were not allowed to be eaten by anyone and hidden at the back of one of the cupboards and her daughter found them and ate some and was then accused of being a ‘thief’.

1. Everything is totally spotless and organised a certain way - books are arranged a certain way on the shelves so the tops create a an ‘even’ line of symmetry.

1. Started sewing bits of Velcro on the edges of pillow cases to keep them ‘shut’ when she sleeps on them.

There are probably lots of other things- is this normal?

Yes I would be a bit concerned by this. As others said, none are odd on their own and in combination will be normal for some people. It’s the change in behaviour and getting defensive that would worry me and I think it’s pertinent that some people who had mental health difficulties are able to relate to it.

This is AIBU so you have to ignore at least 50% of the comments here as a lot of people always post to say YABU, they’d argue the sky was yellow just because they can. I’d ignore them if I were you and take from this thread that yes there is a chance that her behaviour change could be a bit concerning and keep a gentle eye on her. I have a very close friend and know when she starts to struggle as she does with me and the support we give each other has helped us both through some difficult times.

I think a sudden change in behaviour is the red flag here rather than what she is doing per se )reversing into parking spaces is ALWAYS easier and safer).

Ignoring the things you have mentioned has her personality changed in any way? Has her relationships changed. Is she more aggressive in anyway? More forgetful?

As others have mentioned it could be just something as simple as following blogs or there could be something more sinister related to physical or mental health issues

She might have started a new Regime. I’ve been looking at TOM method so if you were my friend you might notice lots of changes in me but it’s because I’ve put a new system into place!

Agree that is the change in behaviour that’s the the red flag but also that might have started a new regime and feeling a little judged by being asked by it hence her response. It is hard to tell but never does any harm to keep it at back of mind and see how things go.

I do three of those things. I always reverse into spaces and my driveway, my house is spick and span and I hide chocolate!

Moving food into containers suggests she or someone she knows has had an infestation of flour weevils.

Every hotel in the country sets up for breakfast the night before.

Yeah it is a bit odd, but i know a few people that do these sort of things and theyre just anxious people and theyre doing these things to help control their anxiety, so if it's helping her let her be I think.
X

Some of these are sensible - points 3, 4 and 5. The others are a bit OTT but not horrendously so. Perhaps she took a look at her life and decided to be less slapdash?

Why don't you ask her about it?

@Lllot5 You took the words right out of my keyboard!

OP - As with most PP, I don't find any of these on their own to be odd. It's the sudden change that may be a concern, or may not. She might not use the internet much but that doesn't mean she hasn't picked up on these "life hacks" via TV or magazines.

Most of these seem like practical, positive habits (although number 6 is mean and the velcro on pillowcases is WTF - if you're bothered by the open end of a pillowcase, buy the type of pillowcases which have the tucky-in bit!)

Unless you have seen her become distressed if unable to do any of these - for example, it's late at night but she suddenly realises she didn't set the table for breakfast and has to get out of bed and go do it right then - I don't think there is any cause for concern.

I think you are right to wonder. Changes are one thing but its the rigidity of having to keep to them is key. ie the parking - what is her reasoning for doing this? It would mostly but not always be safer to reverse park.. if she can never deviate from a rule to judge an individual situation then its a problem. eg if food can never be left in its packet for any reason.

New things normally bring us joy and enthusiasm and being organised and having routines can be less stressful than disorder but if these seem to be surrounded by more stress and anxiety than freedom, then I think something is up.

The first thing I thought of was ‘Flylady’ 😀 I followed her years ago when she was new and sent you reminder emails every hour to fit to the schedule.
A lot of it those things are manic. But if she has found something to help her cope then just see how long it lasts. Some of it tends to stick add what is no use to you or too much trouble falls by the wayside.

Do you all use timer to chill your drinks? Am I the only one finding that odd?

Agree with some pp. It's good OP spotted these sudden changes.

If it's nothing bad and just getting organised, why would the friend get defensive? She could easily say "Oh yeah. I am organising myself more. Found some tips and they are actually good".

I'm going to guess you think she has OCD?

OCD is actually a symptomatic behaviour of something else, such as (most likely) anxiety or depression. It's what the person does as a comfort to themselves to reassure themselves they're in control.

If you're concerned about your friend, maybe look to address the underlying cause.

DH does 1, 4 and 6. He also happens to have OCD, but he is very untidy.
I don't do any of them, I am a shambles.
A sudden change of behaviour is very unusual and a bit concerning. I wonder what could have triggered it.

I do a few of these. Bookcases in every room of the house bar the bathroom, all co-ordinated by colour and author. Pasta's, rices, nuts etc go in glass jars on shelves in the kitchen. Saves space and practical. Not so much now as I leave for work before 8am, but when Dc's were little I always laid the table for breakfast the night before, made the morning easier and school run less stressed. I used to lay there clothes out for the following day the night before to.

Is she anxious OP?

I do some of these. I might do more of these if anyone else lived in this house. But I know that one if the signs that my mental health needs some attention is when I start getting stressed about knives being exactly the right way in the drainer when I wash up, things like that. So if it's all new - it might just be she's on a Mrs Hinch binge, but it might be other stuff. However, if she's getting defensive, you probably need to back off a bit, else she might shut you out entirely, but make sure she knows you're there if she needs. Though asking for help can be most difficult at the times you most need to do it.

Most of these things I started to do because of my interest obsession in Pinterest.

She sounds EXACTLY like my dad. Mind you, he's always been like that.

No those things aren’t particularly odd. Lots of people like to be organised.

I do 90% of this, because it's practical.p, even hiding the chocolate bit, as it disappears really fast here if left out in view im looking at you DH I'm inspired by the Velcro on the pillows too, so will be nicking that idea 😆

I don't think it's abnormal in anyway & I would likely see it as a positive change in behaviour, so maybe she's just felt she needs to be more organised & find ways of solving little problems that bug her to make her life easier.

If this is all that's going on, I wouldn't worry, maybe pick up a few tips yourself instead 🤷‍♀️

I don't think those things are weird in themselves. I agree that some people like to be organised but do look a bit weird if they are out of character esp the sewing of pillowcases and everything facing a particular way.

I wish I was that organised. I think it's all very Pinterest worthy, it may be something and honestly I hate it when the kids steal my chocolate. We all get treats each week and it absolutely is (in my mind) stealing when they eat their treats and then take mine. I might have a unhealthy relationship with chocolate though 🙈.

It may be the start of something but equally it's not unhealthy at all, I think good on her.