To be worried about friend- are these behaviours ok?

[ValleyofCrows]

My friend has been acting strangely (IMO) over the past few months.

Her personality has remained the same but she has started behaving differently. When I have commented she either becomes defensive or brushes it off.

Some of the things are

1. When she wants a cold drink (can of pop) she takes it out of the fridge and puts it in the freezer for exactly 15 minutes (uses a timer) so it’s the right temperature.

1. Buys plastic containers and transfers food items from original packaging into tubs / containers which she will then label herself like ‘nuts’, biscuits, rice etc. Everything has to be facing the correct way so the label can be read as soon as the cupboard is opened.

1. Sets the table for breakfast the night before.

1. Won’t ever drive in to a parking space, always reversing despite that sometimes being more tricky.

1. Started carrying spare plastic bags in her hand bag in case she ‘needs’ them

1. Buys food for the whole family, but some items are ‘forbidden’ for everyone else e.g mini Aeros were not allowed to be eaten by anyone and hidden at the back of one of the cupboards and her daughter found them and ate some and was then accused of being a ‘thief’.

1. Everything is totally spotless and organised a certain way - books are arranged a certain way on the shelves so the tops create a an ‘even’ line of symmetry.

1. Started sewing bits of Velcro on the edges of pillow cases to keep them ‘shut’ when she sleeps on them.

There are probably lots of other things- is this normal?

Also she started buying TV guides and high lighting in bright yellow what she wants to watch or record, but never really has an interest in TV programmes before- does anyone else do that?

How old is she? A lot of the other things you have posted are kind of ordinary-to a point. Even my grandmother used to highlight things she wanted to watch in the TV guide because she didn’t want to forget what she wanted to watch and which channel to watch next. Is your friend older? Maybe she’s at the beginning of memory problems and is trying to manage this change. I would then say that early memory problems, when investigated early, can either be the cause of something easily treatable OR with real memory problems can be, with early treatment, be slowed/managed.

It may be time for a frank talk with your friend.

thewinkingprawn You got there first. How does the OP know all this stuff about her friend? As for being defensive, maybe she doesn't like being quizzed about what she does.

Is this a reverse?

It may be as simple as wanting to assert (to herself) that she is in control of her life. It sounds as if something in her life is running away with her and she is trying to get a grip by addressing simple things until everything is ok. I can relate to a few of your points to be honest and the others aren't so off the wall if taken individually.

@ValleyofCrows

YABU. Loads of those things are normal, and loads of people do them (I do!)

Also, why you need to talk to her about it?

WTF has it got to do with you?

Also agree with a few pps, that it seems odd you know sooooo much about how your 'friend' behaves.

Is this thread for real?

how much time do you actually spend with your friend to be able to discuss so much about her behaviour?

Everything is totally spotless and organised a certain way
red flag right here. If she has started to exercise and eat better, you do need to log in to 101.

Or call Chanel 4 for a fly on the wall program.

I'd find it odd enough to ask about if it all started happening at the same time - but would presume it was some kind of Life Hack type thing being put into action. Is her being defensive a normal personality trait?

I've made an effort to be more organised the last few years. I plan every week. I've started getting better organised in the kitchen and doing time saving stuff. I set the timer and do 30 minutes clear up every day.

I've made efforts to lose weight and be on time. I often get distracted and burn food so I've been more reliant on timers. I'm proud that I'm more efficient now.

I've found some friends seem to act very confused by the changes - I won't eat many biscuits, sweets or chocolate and choose healthier options. I arrive and leave on time. They seem very disturbed that I am different but it has been a long progress. They seem to almost want to sabotage my change. People seem resistant to my change and act like thy are trying to reestablish my old patterns of behaviour.

I do get defensive because if I've said 'No thanks' for the offer of another biscuit or slice of cake then I don't enjoy the pressure to take that extra serving. I don't enjoy the negative comments about doing things differently.

I think perhaps they see my changes as being an attack on how they do things - it does seem personal at times.

Does your friend seem unhappier? Does she get upset if anyone comments on her new behaviours - or gets in the way of them?
As PP have said, she might have read some or other 'embrace your serfhood' pro-housework shit like Flylady or Mrs Hinch. Or she might be distressed and doing all this stuff to make herself feel in control.

(I am very undomesticated and all this sort of thing seems a total waste of time to me, but if she feels better for doing it, whatever.)

It does seem fairly unusual to start doing all these things ‘All of a sudden’ if she never did before..I suppose 🤷‍♀️How do you even know she does all these things though? I’m close to my friends but this is a lot of insider info avout daily habits

It's definitely ODD OP

How old is you friend OP? Does she have any family history of this kind of behaviour?

I still don't get what is so odd in there?

I do several of those things. Just sounds like she's trying to organise her life better.

It sounds odd because it's out of character for her but it doesn't seem obsessive and/or dangerous from what you've posted. Make sure she knows you're there for her to vent to/confide in and tell her how organised she is because honestly, I'm taking some of those tips for myself.

I do odd things too that my friends don't know about and if they did they'd probably think I was weird. How do you know she hasn't done this for a while? I'm assuming you don't live together/know every detail of each other's lives?

I started behaving like this, always ordering my tins and jars in the cupboard by what they were, their use by dates, they all had to be perfectly placed and in line, and I stressed if I had the wrong number of something so things didn't fit.

I have to have pillowcases the right way round. Duvet covers have to be pointing the right direction. I absolutely hate the open ends of pillowcases but velcro would make the edges too hard for me.

My books were lined up by size. My clothes were folded and arranged by type, colour and whether they were more goth, or more mainstream.

I also put food into labelled containers. This eventually extended to me putting ^everything^ into containers with labels.

I also put out most of my belongings and could fit everything of mine into a small car.

These are things I did because I had a massive breakdown which resulted in a lot of psychiatric intervention.

You don't necessarily see the change in actual personality. In my case there was, apparently. Memories from that time are still patchy with me. But I have a lot of OCD traits and it's linked to my mental health. My mannerisms are more noticeable when I'm not well.

I think it's good that you're able to notice these things and feel concern for your friend. You never truly know what's going on inside a person's head and anything could be going on behind closed doors, or at work, or wherever.

I just wanted to post to say that I think voicing your worries over your observations was a positive thing.

Yeh..its weird. It definitely sounds like OCD to me. Not sure what you can do though without offending her.

I never drive into spaces. I always turn left if I can on a route (more efficient). I sometimes decant things like pasta, cereals.

Otherwise, she sounds like she's swallowed a series of Anthea Turner, Perfect Housewife.

I'd love it if I could get that organised.

1. Putting cans in the freezer is an art of precision. Slightly too long and it's frozen and ruined. Timing it is sensible.
2. I do this because I've got limited movement in my hands. Having simple to open boxes is so much easier.
3. Saves time in the morning. No brainer. I do similar to work around morning stiffness.
4. I always thought it was reverse in, drive out anyway?
5. Most people do this.
6. Most mothers do this.
7. I do the height thing too - makes the bookcase easier to dust, so less hand strain.
8. Now I don't do this. It's a good idea though.

Some of these things do seem to be adaptive behaviours - everyday things done in a new way. It's likely she's doing them simply to be more organised and make life easier in general. I do them because it helps me manage rheumatoid arthritis and three of them were suggested to me by the occupational therapist.

So whilst I'd bet there's nothing wrong at all, you might want to ask if she's been physically unwell.

Plastic bags in a bag are not odd to me. I carry a stapler...
Timing drink in a freezer? Odd
Moving everything to plastic containers? Might be a "life hack" so everything fits.
Other points can go either way.

I don't agree with others though. If she just find blogs etc and used them to get SUPER organised she would say so, wouldn't she? You know her, we don't. Was there any trouble lately which would make her freak out, or she is really just jumping the "super organised" wagon.
You know her. You should be able to say which one it might be. If you are concerned about her MH or possible DV or something, go and contact the charities for advice whether to worry

I think you have observed something that may point to a MH issue with your friend. I would also be a bit concerned.

Does she live on her own? Can you have a gentle conversation with her about how she's coping generally?

1. Drink in freezer - probably times it for optimum chill, but timer to avoid forgetting and it freezing and exploding the can.

1. Plastic containers. A bit weird, but sounds like she's been reading some life hack things. I've recently labelled the shelves in the airing cupboard so we can always find the right size and season bedding.

1. Sets the table for breakfast the night before. We usually do that. Saves crashing around and waking others.

1. Won’t ever drive in to a parking space, always reversing despite that sometimes being more tricky. Not the abnormal, supposed to be safer.

1. Started carrying spare plastic bags in her hand bag in case she ‘needs’ them. Don't we all these days? Now you have to pay for bags, and we're trying to cut down use, most people carry some for impromptu shops!

1. Aero thief - I have chocolate for me only.

1. Books - many people organise their books to some system.

1. Started sewing bits of Velcro on the edges of pillow cases to keep them ‘shut’ when she sleeps on them. - Think she's been reading life hack stuff.

Most of these sound pretty normal, logical etc.

sounds like a positive life change to me. So she bought herself some chocolate and her dd took it. technically she did steal it. I can't see what your problem with her is unless you were both disorganised and she has somehow made a change you can't.

It might have been interesting to just list the behaviours and ask posters to comment how many of them they do. I'd say I probably do about 5 of the 8
I don't think they're odd and I do think people change habits as they get older or if, for example, their schedule changes. When we moved house, we developed new habits to streamline our routine because we had longer commutes.

is she in touble?..or ..troubled? has there been a "trigger"..although perfect people will tell you some of that's normal..disorganised\anxiety\overwhelmed will say some of that's aspirational...she might have got a green light for tick boxing achievements in organisation,but dismissive and defensive either means she thinks its you whats nuts..or shes on amphetime type shit..or..shes building the path to ma fall..or shes in crisis mode...
if you aren't a real life super sleuth and are concerned shes "exhibiting behaviours" are you a close enuf friend to care enough to see her through it? speak to her man\kids\other friends..? even if you get unasty answers?where you goin with it?x

Oh crows you sound like a lovely friend.
Those of us on here that have behaved in similar ways due to mental ill health can recognise the alarm bells in your post.
You know your friend and what is usual for her. For you to be concerned enough to post on here, I would imagine you have picked up on something. Your friend may be defensive for a number of reasons, sadly none of us can tell you what they are, as you already know.

It might be worth writing her a letter, that way you can put across your concerns in a way that she might respond to. She also has the opportunity to read the letter on her own and therefore may feel 'safer', less exposed and defensive, and more open to understanding your perspective. When Ch comes from a place of love, not criticism.

I hope there is a happy outcome to all of this at some point and I think your friend is lucky to have you.