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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friend is being insensitive?

85 replies

Buttercup482 · 06/07/2019 19:59

I have been TTC for some time, and the whole thing has been in the context of my husband having had cancer a few years ago. A friend of mine, who is aware of all the background, is pregnant now. She knew that I had been waiting for some of my own health issues to settle to have IVF and that I have been having a hard time for years, but still sent me a picture of her scan to break the news to me.
I congratulated her and saw her once. I told her that I was due to have an IVF cycle in a few days, at last. Things didn’t work out with my treatment. I didn’t happen to see her or talk to her so she didn’t know the outcome. A couple of months later I got a private message full of details of her pregnancy: gender, due date, even whether or not she would have a C section, last day at work, etc. I congratulated her, but felt she should have been more sensitive. When she asked how I was I then told her that things hadn’t gone well for me. She insisted that we had a cup of tea, and “see each other face to face”. I did not reply.
Shortly after this, I got another message with an invitation to her baby shower “to celebrate the miracle of life”. I said I couldn’t come and she insisted that we see each other before the day. She is not getting the signals... or she does not care.
AIBU to think that she should have realised that it may not be the best time for me to see her and attend pregnancy-centred events? Should I have been more direct with her? I will clarify that she is not a super close friend, and often we didn’t see each other for many months due to being busy.
I have other pregnant friends, but they have been more sensitive or they are not aware of my struggles, and I don’t mind seeing them or being around young children, or even seeing the scans that they upload on social media. It is the targeted nature of her messages in the knowledge of my difficulties that troubles me.

OP posts:
RedRep · 06/07/2019 20:00

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Soubriquet · 06/07/2019 20:02

She doesn’t sound insensitive she just sounds self obsessed

Tell her out right that she is hurting your feelings

Butchyrestingface · 06/07/2019 20:04

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MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 06/07/2019 20:05

It’s difficult for the two “bubbles” of personal experiences to overlap sometimes- especially pregnancy and TTC.

I think she’s being insensitive but then again I’d have been hurt if a pregnant friend didn’t tell me about their pregnancy and try to see me. But I was only TTC for 3 years and hadn’t reached IVF stage yet. I’d just tell her you’re finding it difficult and although you’re happy for her it’s too much for you (or however you feel comfortable telling her).

I hope you’re doing okay and not finding this too hard x

FaithInfinity · 06/07/2019 20:05

I disagree with you RedRep. We had fertility problems, it was honestly the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through. I think if she knows you’re in the middle of fertility treatment, she should be more sensitive! However you may have to spell it out for her. I had to say to one friend ‘I’m genuinely happy for you. Unfortunately things are very difficult for us so please understand that I may need a bit of time because of this’. She understood, in time I got pregnant with DD and we moved on. I totally get why you’re upset though. It’s a bit like ‘I know you’re not pregnant but I am, let’s all celebrate me!’.

Angelf1sh · 06/07/2019 20:07

I can understand why you’re upset but I think YABU. She’s entitled to be happy about her pregnancy and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about sharing her news.

hoolahoolahoop · 06/07/2019 20:10

Yanbu. What friend doesn't ask how you got on after you told her you were having the IVF in a few weeks when she first told you she was pregnant. Surely people can sympathise with what that involves - physically and emotionally.
Sounds like a crap friend who's self obsessed and I wouldn't even bother with her.

TowerRavenSeven · 06/07/2019 20:16

Yanbu but you need to spell it out for her.

CloudRusting · 06/07/2019 20:20

She sounds pretty insensitive

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/07/2019 20:23

Wow OP isn't having a moan, she's had a so called friend bang on and on and on about pregnancy, every tiny detail, gender reveal (what the fuck???) and the "miracle of life". If you want to tell someone it's not all about them may I suggest starting with the insensitive gobshite friend?

OP YANBU, she's a twat. She could have just told you her news and then left it at that without shoving it down your throat.

I hope your next round works Flowers and that your twatty friend steers well clear!

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/07/2019 20:26

She sounds like dick.
It’s one thing to tell you she’s pregnant and invite you to a baby shower but to keep pushing the issue and to send you loads of info etc is completely insensitive.
I’m sure she’s not deliberately hurting you, she’s just got the emotional empathy of a cabbage.

owlalwaysloveyou · 06/07/2019 20:27

We have been through infertility too but I preferred people who knew we were ttc to approach me individually instead of hearing from someone else or seeing on social media for example. I still wanted to hear all about my sister in law's pregnancy and was just honest in that the baby shower was too raw for me at time (as we were inevitably due yet another negative test around that time). We have been unbelievably lucky and are now expecting baby #1 and I didnt contact everyone individually to announce our pregnancy but those who we knew are struggling with infertility just now I did with a view to it being less difficult seeming like we were hiding it or excluding them. Everyone is different and your friend is perhaps trying to be more sensitive by not excluding you at this exciting time in her life? Particularly if you are usually ok around other people's children then it might just be the way things have been worded that have been difficult for you. It's a horrible thing to go through which makes it uncomfortable to others, particularly with it being something people tend not to talk openly about so there's no simple way for others to deal with it sensitively for each individual either.
Hoping you get your happy ending soon.

Nanny0gg · 06/07/2019 20:28

OP YANBU, she's a twat. She could have just told you her news and then left it at that without shoving it down your throat.

^This

Sandybval · 06/07/2019 20:32

YANBU, a friend would surely ask how your IVF went, and understand that the baby shower etc could be too much and approach sensitively. Also there is no reason to send scan pictures and go into elaborate details with someone in order to share the news, especially knowing that it is something close to your heart. She is either self obsessed, oblivious or spiteful; whichever it is be direct with her if you want to keep her as a friend, it is possible to be happy for someone but reasonable to not want your face rubbed in it when they are aware.

Mycatwontstopstaring · 06/07/2019 20:32

Been there OP. Hugs. She obviously isn’t going to take any kind of hint so I suggest you say something really blunt (email or text) along the lines of you are happy for her but are going through a very tough time and you need to stay away from baby related stuff at the mo to keep yourself sane. Then avoid her.

Sorry Redrep was so horrible to you on top of everything you’re going through, some people are just like that unfortunately.

pinkstripeycat · 06/07/2019 20:37

RedRep - It is hard but your friend is not trying to hurt you by being happy about her pregnancy. Stop being so sensitive, the world does not revolve around you.

YOU ARE NASTY AND INSENSITIVE!

OP - you are not BU! It took me 7 years of miscarriages and fertility treatment before I had my 1st DC. People can be insensitive. My SIL who fell preg easily told me to “get over it” and another friend asked me to accompany her to her abortion for unwanted pregnancy (she had 3 in total) and really couldn’t understand why i was being so selfish by not supporting her

user1471592953 · 06/07/2019 20:43

Yanbu OP. My friend did the same as yours in pretty much the same circumstances. Our friendship didn’t really recover because she didn’t ‘get’ it and I had to take a step back.

codenameduchess · 06/07/2019 20:49

YANBU, your 'friend' knows that you are struggling ttc and we're waiting to start ivf. Absolutely she should tell you she's pregnant but the excessive details and self obsessed messages are too much. A reasonable person surely would have asked how your ivf was going before launching into the 'me, me, me'. And gender reveal and baby shower tell me she's a bit of a dick anyway.

Some people get so obsessed and seem to forget that everyone else's life carries on while they are pregnant (and it's not really that interesting to anyone not immediately involved). So, yes the world doesn't revolve around anyone's fertility struggles but friends who are aware of them should be sensitive around the subject.

Dandelion1993 · 06/07/2019 20:51

I 100% understand why you feel crap, but she's excited about her baby and she should be and she wants her family and friends around her and dhse thinks that includes you.

You either need to tell her you can't handle it or be there for her.

YadiYadiYada · 06/07/2019 20:58

She certainly could be more sensitive, but I don't get the impression its intentional or that she doesn't care. I just don't think she understands the depth of the infertility struggle and how affects a persons/couples mental health and wellbeing. She's also wrapped up in her own excited little bubble and its clouding her judgement.

I think you just need to be politely direct.

"I'm genuinely pleased for you friend, but unfortunately our infertility struggles are creating some very raw and difficult emotions and for my own mental wellbeing I need to decline kind invitations to such events as baby showers. Please don't take it personally, you're a good friend and really do hope you have a wonderful shower, but I'd really appreciate it if you could give me a little 'baby' space for a while, just until I'm in a better place and I've come to terms with my own circumstances".

Or something along those lines, in words you'd use with her.

loopylou1984 · 06/07/2019 20:59

May I suggest you get this moved to infertility?

You'll find people there who truly get the pain you feel each and every time someone announces a pregnancy. Thanks

Of course she can announce it and celebrate in all the ways she wants... but she doesn't need to involve you in every little detail. A brief 'I'm having a baby shower and gender reveal on x date if you're free' would have done.

YANBU by the way, do what you need to to protect yourself.

mistermagpie · 06/07/2019 21:06

I think she is being insensitive. I was pregnant after my SIL has been suffering recurring miscarriages (she now has two children so all's well etc...) and I wouldn't have dreamed of showing her scan photos and things. In fact I never really mentioned my pregnancy at all in front of her and neither did she, which confirmed to me that she would rather not hear about it. She adored the baby though, still does, abs later admitted that seeing me pregnant was incredibly tough on her. I understood and hoped by not ramming it down her throat that it made it a bit easier.

mistermagpie · 06/07/2019 21:07

Yadi's message is good.

MyOpinionIsValid · 06/07/2019 21:12

She, nor every other pregnant woman can hide away for fear of offending someone - or would you rather she ostracised you? marginalised you? Didn't include you? What would you do if you were shut out and then the birth announcement arrived on the mat?

Normally people with illnesses, disabilities, life changing conditions want to be treated as they normally would be treated, they generally don't like people shying away from being embarrassed.

You're going the right way to losing a friend.

Bluerussian · 06/07/2019 21:12

I'm surprised your friend hasn't asked about your IVF attempt, she is obviously completely wrapped up in her pregnancy. At a later date she may remember and feel sorry.

However I don't understand why people give up so much personal information to friends. I've not been in the op's position but am sure I wouldn't tell anyone about having IVF. It's a private matter.