AIBU to think my friend is being insensitive?

[Buttercup482]

I have been TTC for some time, and the whole thing has been in the context of my husband having had cancer a few years ago. A friend of mine, who is aware of all the background, is pregnant now. She knew that I had been waiting for some of my own health issues to settle to have IVF and that I have been having a hard time for years, but still sent me a picture of her scan to break the news to me.
I congratulated her and saw her once. I told her that I was due to have an IVF cycle in a few days, at last. Things didn’t work out with my treatment. I didn’t happen to see her or talk to her so she didn’t know the outcome. A couple of months later I got a private message full of details of her pregnancy: gender, due date, even whether or not she would have a C section, last day at work, etc. I congratulated her, but felt she should have been more sensitive. When she asked how I was I then told her that things hadn’t gone well for me. She insisted that we had a cup of tea, and “see each other face to face”. I did not reply.
Shortly after this, I got another message with an invitation to her baby shower “to celebrate the miracle of life”. I said I couldn’t come and she insisted that we see each other before the day. She is not getting the signals... or she does not care.
AIBU to think that she should have realised that it may not be the best time for me to see her and attend pregnancy-centred events? Should I have been more direct with her? I will clarify that she is not a super close friend, and often we didn’t see each other for many months due to being busy.
I have other pregnant friends, but they have been more sensitive or they are not aware of my struggles, and I don’t mind seeing them or being around young children, or even seeing the scans that they upload on social media. It is the targeted nature of her messages in the knowledge of my difficulties that troubles me.

A baby shower to ‘celebrate the miracle of life’ to a friend going through ivf? Insensitive twat.

She could have said ‘I’m having a baby shower. I’d love you to be there. But I know you’re really upset about your IVF cycle so you may not want to. Whatever you’d like. Or we can get together for coffee instead. Let me know’ so she’s including you but not being all self-obsessed.

Hope your next IVF works.

Yanbu.

@Bluerussian probably for support.

I don’t think she’s being insensitive tbh. Sorry.

You’re her friend and she’s involving you, why wouldn’t she?

Her baby doesn’t change your situation at all, it’s not your biological baby.
Nobody should have to silence their pregnancy to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.

It’s not nice to suffer from infertility and I understand how hard it can be, but your feelings are not your friends responsibility and at the end of the day this sort of jealousy isn’t nice. If you can’t be happy for her then don’t be her friend?

Of course she is being insensitive and a twat.

It's not complicated.

I have never, ever heard of anyone contemplate or participate in IVF without having gone through a lot of heartache.

IVF is gruelling from what I've heard.

Only an absolute twat would be shoveling the details of their pregnancy, down the throat of a woman involved in IVF.

Just because you are delighted and excited to be having a child, does not excuse you from having some basic cop-on.

This woman is a twat.

Her "miracle of life" party should tell you that. Twat🙄

I hope you have a good outcome.
I wish you strength 👍.

If you change the baby to a wedding for instance, you’d be being a shit friend would you not?

Why shouldn’t she call it a miracle of life? Why is that offensive?

YANBU. A “friend” of mine decided to send me pictures of her pregnancy tests so I could help her confirm there was a positive line when she knew I was trying to get pregnant after my baby had died not long after giving birth. Some people really are just lucky enough to not understand the pain others go through in their attempts to have a family and as a result, have no idea how insensitive they are being.

YANBU - it's one thing to be excited about being pregnant, but it's unnecessary and insensitive to bang on about it to the exclusion of everything else and neglect to even ask how you are doing.

Thanks to all who were understanding. I never said that she shouldn’t be happy or that she should remain hidden. That is just crazy! I am just upset about the way that she sent private messages with lots of details and a scan, I am not upset about her pregnancy. What kind of monster do you think I am?
I think most of you got my point and I really appreciate your advice of sensitively and politely speaking with her. I am sorry for the ones who went through similar things and happy for those who had a happy ending.

@Jellybeansincognito - are you op’s friend?

Can you really not think why she’s being insensitive?? Okay. You sound completely lacking in empathy.

‘I’m not upset about her pregnancy’ well clearly you are? So that’s a lie.

You sound resentful that she’s going through it instead of you.

I am empathetic, I just can’t get my head around not being happy for someone else just because they’re going through something we cannot have.

I have seen the sadness it can cause not having a child, my grandmother was not biologically linked to me, she adopted my mum, ivf didn’t exist so she was just lumped with knowing she would never have a child.

There’s so much help available now, concentrate on yourself op. It’s not like your friend is intentionally being insensitive maliciously is it?
It’s just one of those things.

At the end of the day you’re going through a really tough time op. Adding extra negative energy to that and allowing yourself to feel this way about the situation with your friend isn’t going to change your situation, is it? You’re just making yourself feel more shit over something that doesn’t even change your situation one bit, and you could lose your friend at the same time.

Is it worth the loss of a friend?

It’s really tricky when you are TTC (been there) , you get caught up in a bubble and in most cases are as obsessed with our struggle as pregnant people are with their pregnancies.

@AllFourOfThem I am very sorry to hear this, I feel especially for you.

I think you will have to step back from this friendship and strange she is pushing this in spite of your difficulties and the fact you are not super close. I would have to say YANBU and she is being insensitive. I get she is happy about her pregnancy but she should surely see that although you can be happy for her celebrating something you are yearning for yourself is not easy.

I hope it happens for you soon.

OP, I cannot see an ounce of you not being pleased for this woman in your post.

Just that you would rather a casual friend would not bombard you with the details of her pregnancy when you are dealing with fertility issues.

She sounds like a real pregnancy bore. Who sends that type of detail to casual friends.

That type of information is for only those massively invested. Close family, partner and dearest friends.

I wouldn't have dreamt of boring the arse off people with that level of information.
Neither did any of my friends and we were all hugely supportive of each other.

Nothing good can come from seeing her at the moment. Avoid.

Give yourself space and be kind to yourself. You are allowed to feel this way.

but your feelings are not your friends responsibility

Wtf? Of course it's a friends responsibility to consider the feelings of their friends! Otherwise that's not a friendship, is it?! I couldn't imagine knowing a good friend was going through the agony of infertility and then rubbing salt into the wound in such a its-all-about-me fashion without an ounce of thought, empathy or sensitivity.

She has likely got overly carried away in her excitement, but she does need to learn that her friends (the OPs) pain DOES matter and she should be treated with care.

The friend doesn't need to hide or ostracise the OP from her news, but it really shouldn't be so full on and in her face.

You sound resentful
No, she doesn't. She sounds like she's in a lot of anguish, juggling complex feelings of envy for something she badly longs for on such a deep level it's hard to express to someone who's never been through it, so is having to suppress it for the sake of her friend. But it hurts that her friend can't see it.

Jellybeans sounds like they're on the same emotional level as your friend OP. Ignore it Your feelings are valid ones and your friend should bear some responsibility for how you get through this difficult time.

*Her baby doesn’t change your situation at all, it’s not your biological baby.
Nobody should have to silence their pregnancy to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings.

It’s not nice to suffer from infertility and I understand how hard it can be, but your feelings are not your friends responsibility and at the end of the day this sort of jealousy isn’t nice. If you can’t be happy for her then don’t be her friend?*

Sorry but you don’t understand how hard infertility can be, at all.

Honestly these kind of threads always go the same way. I think what it comes down to is that if you've not suffered infertility then you just can't appreciate how all consuming it is.

It is possible to be happy for someone else's pregnancy, but at the same time be devastated for yourself. I didn't go to my sister in laws baby shower. I couldn't. She understood, and was lovely about it. I had to protect myself, it was such a fragile time, and quite honestly it still brings me to tears if I think back to just how awful I felt.

Please find some people in a similar situation to you over on the infertility board. My friends there saved my sanity, and I'm in touch with a few in real life even now - 2 years out the otter side.

‘Jellybeans sounds like they're on the same emotional level as your friend OP. Ignore it Your feelings are valid ones and your friend should bear some responsibility for how you get through this difficult time‘

Emotional level? I’ve been through a lot of sadness and heartache in life and have learnt that it gets you nowhere to behave how OP is. Making someone else’s pregnancy about her. This women is pregnant, of course it’s exciting and she’s going to want to share it- why can’t people be happy for her? Her pregnancy doesn’t change OPs situation. Being negative and hurt about it doesn’t change anything either. Why can’t we just be happy in life for others regardless of what our circumstances are?
She’s pregnant, the baby isn’t here yet- lots of things could happen and there’s no saying she’ll end up with a child at the end of this so let her have her moment, it shouldn’t mentally affect anyone else.

@YadiYadiYada you make it sound like the women has said to op ‘haha I’m pregnant and you’re not’
Don’t be so ridiculous, she’s behaving normally by the sounds of it.

People not going to baby showers, are you all ignoring the children when they’re born too?

Absolutely awful.

People not going to baby showers, are you all ignoring the children when they’re born too?

Baby showers are self indulgent, grabby bullshit, not going is entirely up to the individual.

You've just made a ridiculous leap to apparently ignoring children. Which literally nobody but you had said.

She's pregnant, not the second fucking coming!

@Jellybeansincognito When you are struggling to conceive, every time someone announces a pregnancy it’s like a knife in the guts. That is not “being negative”. You are not choosing to feel this way, it is just how it is.

‘She's pregnant, not the second fucking coming!’

Exactly? Why be so negative towards someone else’s happiness just because it’s a struggle for you?

I don’t understand it at all, if we cannot control how we feel and then it’s a medical matter isn’t it, and help should be asked for instead of living like this.