AIBU to think my friend is being insensitive?

[Buttercup482]

I have been TTC for some time, and the whole thing has been in the context of my husband having had cancer a few years ago. A friend of mine, who is aware of all the background, is pregnant now. She knew that I had been waiting for some of my own health issues to settle to have IVF and that I have been having a hard time for years, but still sent me a picture of her scan to break the news to me.
I congratulated her and saw her once. I told her that I was due to have an IVF cycle in a few days, at last. Things didn’t work out with my treatment. I didn’t happen to see her or talk to her so she didn’t know the outcome. A couple of months later I got a private message full of details of her pregnancy: gender, due date, even whether or not she would have a C section, last day at work, etc. I congratulated her, but felt she should have been more sensitive. When she asked how I was I then told her that things hadn’t gone well for me. She insisted that we had a cup of tea, and “see each other face to face”. I did not reply.
Shortly after this, I got another message with an invitation to her baby shower “to celebrate the miracle of life”. I said I couldn’t come and she insisted that we see each other before the day. She is not getting the signals... or she does not care.
AIBU to think that she should have realised that it may not be the best time for me to see her and attend pregnancy-centred events? Should I have been more direct with her? I will clarify that she is not a super close friend, and often we didn’t see each other for many months due to being busy.
I have other pregnant friends, but they have been more sensitive or they are not aware of my struggles, and I don’t mind seeing them or being around young children, or even seeing the scans that they upload on social media. It is the targeted nature of her messages in the knowledge of my difficulties that troubles me.

Jellybeansincognito according to you, OPs feelings don't matter, and her friend is the centre of the universe.

Because said friend has made no effort to ask how OPs IVF went, how she's feeling or how things are going.

Friendship works both ways, yet you're adamant it's OP being selfish?

All this fawning over pregnant women and unecessary parties/showers/reveals is utterly ridiculous.

Most of us managed without being treated like the Queen of Sheba.

So why should OP bend over backwards to accommodate someone who only thinks of themselves? The short answer is, she shouldn't.

Of course ops feelings matter, but that doesn’t mean I agree with the way she is feeling. I don’t think it’s helpful to support the way she is feeling at all.

It’s not helpful to her at all to feel this way, a lot of it is a choice.

Her friend has told op she’s pregnant, shown a scan picture and invited her to a baby shower along with other info people usually share- she’s hardly doing that with the sole aim of upsetting OP or being insensitive.

I don’t think it’s worth the negative energy personally.

Perhaps she thinks of OP wanted to share the info she would? Since OP already told her she was going to have IVF.

You can't help a feeling, that's just not true at all.

Anyway, I'm out. You've been unecessarily nasty to OP and I dislike it so have said so.

What you get out of kicking someone when they're down only you know, but be clear, that's exactly what you've done.

Trigger warning child loss.

A friend and I were pregnant at the same time. Horrifyingly, her baby died shortly after she was born.

We've never seen each other again. I tried to reach out a number of times but she ignored me. I understood. It's been nearly ten years now.

I actually think you’re being unreasonable.

Her life doesn’t stop because of what you’re going through. She wants to see you face to face so that she can express her sympathy in the ‘right’ way and you’re the one pushing back

She's not a great friend tbh. She can be excited about her own news but be sensitive around you . They aren't mutually exclusive.

Infertility is heartbreaking. I remember the emotional toll of IVF vividly and it was 5/6 years ago now.

I did get pregnant and I was terrified I'd lose the baby as we'd tried for so long without success and I couldn't actually believe I'd have a baby at the end of it.

I think this is possibly where your friend is at - she's so amazed she's actually had a baby she wants to shout it from the rooftops and has become unintentionally insensitive.

It sounds like you're not that close anyway so just continue to distance yourself. I stopped seeing a lot of my friends when we were going through IVF as I wasn't very sociable and just wanted to hunker down with my husband and few close friends. It made me reevaluate a lot of my friendships for a variety of reasons.

it's really hard.

I don’t understand it at all
Yes Jellybeans, we've all gathered that little pearler. You simply don't understand one iota of the pain, so maybe you should leave the OP alone with your incessant your feelings are nobody else's concerns

I've suffered a couple of pregnancy losses and after each miscarriage, even the mere sight if a stranger pushing a baby in a pram would have me feeling like I couldn't cope. When I wasn't at work I'd avoid going out. I wasnt resentful or jealous. I didn't wish those women didn't have their babies. It just took some time to get over my own feelings of yearning for the same thing. I just wanted so bad to also be one of those women proudly pushing my own baby around in a pram.

I was also a clinical services coordinator for a fertility service for a few years and dealt with fertlity patients and their all-consuming pain on a daily basis. It's truly heartbreaking to see and some days I'd need a little cry myself as it would kill me to deal with couple after couple devastated by the inability to have a family of their own. It's such a strong natural instinct for a lot of people.

You really need to leave the OP alone with your very cutting comments that somehow her feelings are selfish and nasty. They aren't.

I dont think either of you are unreasonable. You feel how you feel and cant help that.

She did ask about you what had gone on and suggested meeting up. She is trying to be a good friend but isnt seeing how this might make it worse for you. So its not unreasonable of you to not meet her.
She is just excited about her pregnancy though and i think you should presume the best intentions from her if you dont want to be direct and tell her its bothering you. She isnt maliciously treating you badly, she just probably thinks that you would be happy for her, which you are so she isnt wrong to assume that.

I think another angle is to try put yourself in her shoes too. If you were to get pregnant tomorrow, would you not be so happy and wrapped up in that, that you might also want to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone the exciting details? Someone else might be in your shoes then, and you wouldn't be doing it to be insensitive, would you?

I totally understand not putting yourself in a triggering position, so just don't do things you dont want to do. Distance yourself and let your friend enjoy this moment.

I wish you all the best. Xx

Paws for pizzas comment is right where I am at.

Yadiyadiyda- I’ve suffered pain too, you know nothing about me. I haven’t said what I have gone through and I’m not going to use it in an argument because it’s irrelevant.

should we all just not have babies so not to offend someone else? As I’ve said, if this was anything other than babies and pregnancy, op would look like such a shit friend.

I don't think she's insensitive. I've had pregnant friends and friends with new babies after a miscarriage and always want to celebrate with them. My issue is not theirs, unfortunately like goes on, and it's nice that your friends want to make sure they see you, she probably wants to give you tea and sympathy face to face

@YadiYadiYada and to say OP is perfectly reasonable in her feelings you have to think that her friend is unreasonable. Sharing your pregnancy news and info with people that are your friends is not insensitive.

My grandmother was so supportive of other people, she watched her sisters family grow whilst she couldn’t conceive, she proudly supported my mum through a teen pregnancy, she didn’t ever have a biological child and that is a life lesson in itself.

Why is everything always spun to be about us? It’s a horrible trait to have.

She definitely could have more tact but I don’t think she is deliberately being insensitive. I think it is impossible for people who haven’t experienced infertility or loss to understand the pain. They can attempt but I have found the only people who truly understand are those who have personal experience.

My friend had a late miscarriage a few months ago. I have tried to tread as lightly as possible when mentioning my DC to her but equally, my DC are a huge part of my life and it’s hard to never mention them. It’s a really tough balance because I do understand her pain, I have also had losses.

Your friend probably means absolutely no harm, she’s just excited about her first baby.

Anyone watch the blogger Amelia liana? She was planning a big wedding and then they’ve split up, a week or so after she was a bridesmaid at her friends wedding.
Her life was wedding consumed and then suddenly she had to deal with a break up, she said going to the wedding was healing for her, because she was celebrating another’s joy. She could have been really bitter and negative about it, but again.. what’s the point in making yourself feel even more shit about your situation that doesn’t change even if you go and celebrate another’s joy.

I am not heartless, and I am empathetic. But you can still be sad about your own problems but see the joy in others happiness.

It’s going to be a very miserable life for OP and others in that situation otherwise.

You don’t think the OP’s friend inviting her to a baby shower to “celebrate the miracle of life” when she knows OP is struggling and about to have IVF is spinning it to be about her?

You think people suffering from the heartbreak of infertility should just keep their pain to themselves and plaster on a smile for the sake of their lucky fertile friends?

Yanbu but you need to spell it out for her.
This ^^. You're expecting her to get how you feel when she's over the moon with her news and possibly got hormones all over the place - unless she's a really thoughtful aware person (which she's obviously not) you need to tell her, and clearly. I do think her baby shower comment was either hideously insensitive or vomit-inducing though (or both). She really didn't engage brain on that one. Steer clear a bit and if she contacts you with more tactlessness then tell her calmly but clearly. And be ready for her getting the hump which will tell you everything you need to know!

I think YABU. Your friend suggested you meet face to face and I think that may mean have a talk in person. It's difficult to have deep and meaningful a on FB etc.

I think you are the one who didn't give your friend an opportunity to have a proper conversation with you where she could have expressed her sympathies for you and your situation.

It's life and you need to be able to be pleased for friends embarking on parenthood. Do you think counselling whilst undertaking IVF may help?

She's not getting the hint is she? Maybe you have to be quite blunt. "It's quite painful you rubbing your pregnancy / baby in my face. I appreciate you are having a baby and lm pleased for you but we need some space at the moment". We are having fertility issues so l know how insensitive people can be 🙄. It's given me a different slant on a lot of people

The gender reveal and baby shower are a double cringe at the best of times. Miracle of life?!?! I never went to baby showers even before fertility issues. They are cringe and grabby, like engagement parties

@MyOpinionIsValid who wants a friend like that anyway?!

@Jellybeansincognito "there's lots of help available". Oh, that's ok then!!

@loopylou1984 totally this. People can be rather insensitive and condescending about fertility

Not the second fucking coming 😂😂😂😂

If lm lucky enough to get pregnant it's safe to say l won't be pushing it in everyone's face. But again l had no intention of doing that before fertility issues. Not everyone wants / needs to see a scan picture on Facebook

@Jellybeansincognito - strangely I never had a problem visiting new babies, and always made a point of doing so.
However like a previous poster, we did distance ourselves somewhat from our friends while we were struggling. It was just too painful.
I can't explain it, I couldn't control my feeling, and I agree with you that there should be mental health support and treatment for couples struggling to conceive. But there isn't. I got one 45 minute counselling session per failed round of IVF.

Thank you to all of you who have tried to help. Most of your posts helped me to think and try to understand.

@Jellybeansincongnito, I am not going to invest much time in replying to your many messages loaded with prejudice, but I will tell you something. You don’t know me, please stop making so many awful assumptions about my feelings, motivations, and personality traits. You are coming across as a very judgemental... person.

Look after yourself OP, and don't take some of the nastier posts to heart. It says far more about the poster than it ever did about you.

Thanks, @InTheHeatofLisbon