To ask how you knew your marriage was over?

[CyberBroccoli]

I've been married for 11 years, DH is 15 years older than I.

We have no DC (we both agreed no DC before we married although I would love a DC now) our lives are free of any responsibility really apart from work and we're very lucky.

But I can't shake the feeling I'm living the wrong life. He's happy to do nothing but I want adventure. He's unmotivated and I'm eager to move forward.

He's kind, caring and would do anything for me - he's only like this with me, though. He's distant, grumpy and uncommunicative with his family and he makes no effort with friends.

I read about abusive, controlling, lazy DHs on here and I think I should feel grateful. But every day I feel trapped. I don't know why, and I worry I'm blaming him but really the problem is me?

If you divorced, what was the deciding factor?

When every time his car pulled up on the drive, I felt anxious and disappointed he was home, rather than happy.

That's when I knew it was time to end it.

He would fall asleep on the sofa in front of the telly every night. At first I used to wake him up to come up to bed with me. Eventually I realised not only had I stopped waking him, I was actually tiptoeing out of the room to not wake him because I didn’t want him in bed with me.

I was referred to my local hospital after a routine smear test found abnormal cells. The consultant said "You have pre cancerous cells".
I went home, looked at my husband and thought 'If I'm going to die soon, I want something more than this'.
2 days I asked him to leave.
13 months later I had a hysterectomy.

Within 2 days ....

Mine was when he bought me a Nestle Easter egg. Sounds daft but I'm a Cadbury girl and always have been. It showed me how little he cares.

He would fall asleep on the sofa in front of the telly every night.

That's my DH. Right now. :(

@CyberBroccoli you only regret the things you DON'T do!

Good luck x

"I worry I'm blaming him but the problem is me" - in most cases when a relationship ends, it's not that one person causes the problem while the other is blameless, it's how you work as a couple. You may both be lovely people but just not right for each other.

How old are you, OP? Young enough to have a baby with someone else? If so, that's a good reason to leave in itself.

When the domestic abuse helpline told me that his behaviour was emotionally, sexually and financially abusive and that only a tiny percentage of abusive men ever change.

@CyberBroccoli I don’t regret the decisions at all, although it’s been a hard couple of years. I have an amazing new DP. But what really gets to me now is he has a new gf and they’re always doing stuff, going places, holidays, weekends away etc and I look and their posts and think “all you used to do was fall asleep on the sofa, why couldn’t you have done any of that stuff with me?” But I guess we were just in a rut and we had a baby/toddler which put a big strain on things too whereas he can obviously be more carefree with new gf. As I say I don’t regret it and there was lots of other stuff too (eg he was arrested for drink driving when I was pregnant, he used internet sex chat rooms) but it was when I realised I was sneaking up to bed without waking him that I realised it was over.

When I realised that I had changed beyond all recognition to make my relationship work.
Watch David Sloss, Jigsaw, on Netfix. I watched this last night and it summed it up for me.

After 16 years together and 13 years married and two kids, I needed to be myself again.
Btw, we finally separated in 2016, David Sloss wasn’t the catalyst xx

he has a new gf and they’re always doing stuff, going places, holidays, weekends away etc

The new gf is probably the sole driving force behind the new adventures! I know we'd never do anything, at all, if I wasn't organising it.

I'm really glad you have a lovely DP now and are happier.

When I did everything I could not to be in his company, felt unhappy every day, didn’t want to have sex, dreaded him telling me he loved me, being out without him was a relief. Took me about a year to realise though and antidepressants for 3 months

There was no spark. We were like siblings or even house-mates rather than a married couple.

We chose to end it before we started falling out.

He committed suicide. I would say that was a clear message.

@1carefulladyowner. That is tragic. So sorry

When I was flat on my back in the lounge,literally seeing stars. He was stood over me daring me to ring 999.

I did.

Divorced for 5 years now thankfully.

When he threatened to punch my 16 year old daughter😢😢

I used to love it when our days off tied in, but by the end I would swap my day off if it clashed with his. I was only 20 and didn't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that. He was devastated when I ended it, but that just confirmed for me I was doing the right thing. He was totally unaware my feelings and behaviour towards him had changed.

when i opened all the messages on his lap top to other women on match.com

When I found an empty rum bottle in our bedroom.

When I realised that if I'd had the stroke in our house instead of a friend's, I would have been upstairs for about two days before he noticed I hadn't been around for a while, and I would probably have died.

Reading some of these replies really make me realise I need to end my relationship.

@Riverside85 - I do the tip toe thing

But then other replies make me feel my DH isn't bad so I should be grateful.

I don't tiptoe up but I don't miss him when he's not here. He had to go away for a few days last month and it was bliss.

I SHOULD have realised when he turned down a job that would have enabled us to move back home, when i was bitterly homesick. I had relaocted for him years earlier, and he'd promised he would return the favour.