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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you knew your marriage was over?

105 replies

CyberBroccoli · 06/07/2019 18:37

I've been married for 11 years, DH is 15 years older than I.

We have no DC (we both agreed no DC before we married although I would love a DC now) our lives are free of any responsibility really apart from work and we're very lucky.

But I can't shake the feeling I'm living the wrong life. He's happy to do nothing but I want adventure. He's unmotivated and I'm eager to move forward.

He's kind, caring and would do anything for me - he's only like this with me, though. He's distant, grumpy and uncommunicative with his family and he makes no effort with friends.

I read about abusive, controlling, lazy DHs on here and I think I should feel grateful. But every day I feel trapped. I don't know why, and I worry I'm blaming him but really the problem is me?

If you divorced, what was the deciding factor?

OP posts:

CrunchTime0 · 08/07/2019 11:58

If people’s partners were mostly unaware that there were any problems..

How did they cope when the shock of ending it hit them?

I told my partner last night I wasn’t happy and he’s devastated although I think deep down he already knew that.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 08/07/2019 11:59

I feel exactly the same at the moment

I don't think it will last when the kids have moved out tbh

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 08/07/2019 12:13

There was lots of small signs before a big one.
Exh was very controlling to the point if stalking me. I started absolutely loving him being away. When he realised I liked it he stopped going. I started going to work earlier and earlier. He worked from home and didnt want to be there. Then I started working later and later.

In the found our he was hoding some stuff. I didnt care. When he moaned about lack of sex (because I stopped giving him it so he would be miserable for days) I told him I was quite happy for him to shag someone else and meant it. I, genuinely, wouldn't have cared if he was having an affair. In fact at points, I hoped that he would.

Then he had a funny turn. My first through was he was going to drop dead in front if the kids. I wasnt bothered about him dropping dead just the impact on the kids.

Right then I realised that, if he died, I would be upset for the kids. But I woildnt miss him one bit.

I left, he stalked me for a bit, as did his new girlfriend, which was odd. After a while I started seeing someone new. The last time I saw him was outside the supermarket, parked up. He doesnt live in my area so had no reason to be there. Dp had been shopping in town and met me inside the supermarket.

Exh had followed me as I was in my own, dp came out of the supermarket with me, I spotted him. Dp started walk towards his car, he drove off and I haven't seen him since. Definitely the best decision I ever made and never regretted it for a second.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 08/07/2019 12:20

@CyberBroccoli you’re looking for permission to be happy. You neither need it and nor will you get it. How old are you? At best we get around 80 years to live our lives. Yours is precious and right now you’re choosing to waste it on an average and unfulfilled life. Go and choose happiness. Nothing will change unless you truly try.

Don’t look at what you’re giving up but at he potential for what happiness could be out there for you.

I don’t say these things lightly, I too spent a lot of time looking for similar permission. I only wish now I hadn’t wasted my time!

Chocolou · 08/07/2019 15:00

crunchtime I feel exactly the same. Sit separate, go to bed different times, don't look at him, can't beat him kissing me goodbye (I wipe my mouth when he's out of sight), no conversation nothing. Literally flat mates. He's a good man but not the man for me.

How the hell do you start a conversation saying it's over? I'm scared. I've got huge debts, no deposit for a rental.

WhatALearningCurve · 08/07/2019 16:51

I'm in a position where I'm ending it with my partner a week on Saturday (there are reasons why it's happening on such a specific date ha).

We've only been together 2 years but have a baby who is less then 4 months old. If I'm honest it all started to fall apart as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Before that I hadn't "needed" anything from him. Even now all I ask for is a bit of emotional support and help with the mental load but I don't get anything.

He's so good with our son - as long as everything is there for him (like nappies, formula, clean clothes, toys etc).

It would be so much easier if he was malicious. But he's not. He's just lazy and unthinking.

Have any of you ended it with babies this young? How did you deal with the fact you weren't just ending their relationship with you but also changing their relationship with their child?

CrunchTime0 · 08/07/2019 16:53

@Chocolou - I’m the same, I just feel so so stuck and it’s worse as he hasn’t even done anything really wrong. I suppose I just don’t love him anymore or at least not how I should anyway.

I told him last night I wasn’t happy as he tried it on and I knocked him back again and he was starting asking what the issue was and then he ended up crying. I felt awful.

I don’t know how to make any of it better.

I’m 29. Been together 11 years. I can’t live the rest of my life like this as it’s so unfair on him. He will be devastated though.

GoGoGoGoGo · 08/07/2019 17:47

If it ended tomorrow how would you feel?

Chocolou · 08/07/2019 17:53

crunchtime you're braver than I am. The only thing that's keeping me there is money and I hate that.

Having no intimacy not even a hand hold just kills me. Hate living like this.

CrunchTime0 · 08/07/2019 18:04

@Chocolou - trust me I don’t feel brave. I feel like a mess. While he’s at work I feel better but when he’s here I just feel sad as I can see him upset.
It’s hard going. It’s took me a long time to get to this point too. Iv felt like this for years.

How old are you?

CrunchTime0 · 08/07/2019 18:11

@Chocolou - I’m not even staying for the money.

We have enough equity in the house (100K) give or take and I have some savings. It’s just going through all the pain and hurt

purplelass · 08/07/2019 18:15

I dithered for years. Wasn't at all happy but stayed in it 'for the kids'.
Then 4 years ago I found he'd booked a romantic weekend away with a girl 12 years younger.
Obviously I knew for sure then that it was over, and it was actually a relief. My only regret was that I'd wasted so much of my life on him.

Shodan · 08/07/2019 19:19

There were many reasons why I wanted to leave but it was only when I ran out of reasons to stay that I knew my marriage was over

This describes it exactly. It was a slow burn really, over many years- little things, most of them, but when they were added together it just became one large insurmountable mess.

The biggest sign though was that my insomnia came back in full force. While I was happy with him, I could sleep next to him. Then I realised I was doing everything I could to avoid being in the same bed, and that was it. Game over.

hazell42 · 08/07/2019 20:13

My husband used to complain if I went for a soak in the bath, saying I was only doing it to get away from him.
He was chronically clingy and wanted me to me with him on the settee watching his choice of TV programmes. Though when I did, he rarely actually spoke to me.
I told him that he was being paranoid.
Funny thing is, since the day I (finally) asked him to leave, over 10 years ago, I have never once gone for a soak in the bath
I didn't know it at the time, but he was right.

Chocolou · 08/07/2019 21:51

crunchtime I'm 45. Hrs going to be 50 next year and was on about some big holiday for his birthday. I couldn't even get excited for that. I'm desperate to leave him. Don't even want to look at him.

I came home from work at 9. We have spoken barely two words to each other. I hate it. I want someone to be pleased to see me. My anxiety is through the roof with chest tightness. I know I can do it alone it's just I don't have the money to leave but could clear my debt and have enough for rent if we sold our house. It's just where do I get the initial deposit from before house goes through.

CrunchTime0 · 09/07/2019 08:12

@Chocolou - is there any chance you can save a little bit of money as you go along and put it somewhere safe ?

Do you have kids ?

Our daughter Hurt herself last night and broke a bone so she stayed downstairs with us way past her bed time which was nice as it broke the tension a bit. After she went to bed though he went up to bed and didn’t say 2 words. I went up half hour later once he was asleep.

womaninthedark · 09/07/2019 08:34

How did people actually feel when it ended ?
Devastated. Afraid. I had a breakdown, no-one knew but my child, who recognises it in retrospect but didn't know what it was at the time.
But it had to happen. We were better off without him. Life would have been far worse if we'd stayed together.

The catalyst was a 'phone call from a man saying that my then-husband was having an affair with his girlfriend. I was able to ask the husband to leave, and have everyone on my side.

Memorable moment afterwards...
He was trying to get me to do something or other, trying to pressure me with his 'disappointment', and I was able to say "Oh? What are you going to do? Leave me?" He had no power. I'd taken it away from him by taking the opportunity to see the back of him when I could.
And another...
After we split, he was angry with me for whatever reason, and raised his arm to hit me. I said "Go on, then. Hit me. I'll see you in court." He couldn't hit me ever again.

Chocolou · 09/07/2019 08:35

crunchtime I literally have nothing left once bills and debts are paid.

We have a 13 year old but aren't married. Funny I've never wanted to marry him. We got engaged about 14 years ago and I just couldn't bring myself to marry him. I should've left years ago.

CrunchTime0 · 10/07/2019 14:30

@Chocolou - if you ever want to chat feel free to pm me x

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 10/07/2019 14:56

When I gave a stranger my number on a night out.Id tried so hard in the 9 years we had been together,been through so much shit.I ended it the next morning

VictoriaBun · 10/07/2019 14:58

Perhaps not the same for you, but when I looked at my teenage children and realised that in a few years they will be flying the nest and it will be years and years of just him.

UpOnTheShelf · 10/07/2019 15:50

When he came storming in and hit me in front of my work colleague who had dropped by to collect something that i was selling and she was buying, because i had the audacity to ask him if he could get some milk on his way home, but forgot to add 'i love you' on the end of the text.
That was the defining moment after 15 years of his abuse.
I left the same night with the kids, never went back, never looked back.

CrunchTime0 · 10/07/2019 17:45

@UpOnTheShelf - that’s terrible

thesuninsagittarius · 10/07/2019 18:06

After 27 years I got in touch with Women's Aid and realised there are different types of abuse. And that I wasn't suffering from depression/anxiety he was making me feel that way. He sucessfully escalated a campaign of meaness and nasty behaviour until I found my remaining shred of self-respect and divorced him. I remember the last Christmas we were together and he bought me the same nasty synthetic fleece pyjamas he'd bought for his mother. I'd shown him the pretty lingerie I'd have loved and he wouldn't look at it, let alone buy it for me. I think then was when I had to face how he felt about me. He's a sociopath and a bully who only likes applause. Life has been hard, financially and in other ways. But I thank God every day that he is someone else's problem now. We get one life, it's not a game. No matter what life throws at me, I never have to share it with him again. (sorry, bit of an essay)

Chocolou · 10/07/2019 21:33

I've pm'd you crunch

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