To ask how you knew your marriage was over?

[CyberBroccoli]

I've been married for 11 years, DH is 15 years older than I.

We have no DC (we both agreed no DC before we married although I would love a DC now) our lives are free of any responsibility really apart from work and we're very lucky.

But I can't shake the feeling I'm living the wrong life. He's happy to do nothing but I want adventure. He's unmotivated and I'm eager to move forward.

He's kind, caring and would do anything for me - he's only like this with me, though. He's distant, grumpy and uncommunicative with his family and he makes no effort with friends.

I read about abusive, controlling, lazy DHs on here and I think I should feel grateful. But every day I feel trapped. I don't know why, and I worry I'm blaming him but really the problem is me?

If you divorced, what was the deciding factor?

When I was involved in a relatively minor car accident and didn’t ring because I knew I’d be told “what do you expect me to do?” rather than be asked I was OK.

Doesn’t need to be major. Just need to be aware there’s no attachment between you two.

I knew when people told me they'd separated, and instead of sympathy I felt jealous.

When I took more work on just so I didnt need to see him.
I never done the tip toe thing as I made him sleep in another room from me.
I felt dread when he came home.
He cheated on me and hit me.

I finally left after I met my DP and realised I had more in common with him than I ever did with exH.

Nothing happened with DP until after I split as even after all exH done to me I felt it wasnt fair to do it to him.

I lived on my own for a year before DP moved in and we've lived together for 3 years now and I still get butterflies when he comes home.

Luckily me and exH had no children so was an easy divorce. I now have a 2.5 year old daughter with DP and honestly couldnt be happier.

When yet another wedding anniversary has gone by without acknowledgement because we weren't on speaking terms yet again. I just thought I can't put myself through another year of this shit to have another shit anniversary. In the whole 9 years we've been married we only celebrated our first one.

When I thought 'well it's not the romance of the century but at least I'm married to my friend.' Then realised if a friend treated me like he did I'd have nothing to do with them.

Also what RichPetunia said.

When I saw my 2 year old cowering in fear from his father. I now realise I was emotionally and physically abused but didn’t recognise it at the time.

I felt I had to have a good reason to justify ending my marriage but the truth is you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. If you don’t want to be with him anymore, that’s enough. Also I think if you really do want DC you probably need to move on or you might always regret not giving yourself the chance to be a mother

I started a thread earlier today about whether or not to call it a day with my OH of 10 years. So many of these ring true

@CyberBroccoli we were much the same as you. Bumbling along. But there was something missing. We’d talked about separating before but there was no big ooomph moment that would cause us to actually breakup. We’d had counselling, tried all manner of things, and then this Christmas I came to the conclusion I didn’t want another Christmas like it and we agreed to end it.

It’s been like a weight has been lifted off the two of us. We’re still living together but are separately, and I’ll be moving out by end of year. We’re still the best of friends, but the marriage is long dead. We have actually met people since and we’re so happy for each other - all I wanted was for us to be happy, and we really are. Just not together.
By the time I move out, we will have been together 17yrs and married 13.

Some of our friends and family are having a hard time understanding it all, “you were always so good together”, but it’s about us and no one else.

For my first marriage: he told me he wanted potatoes with dinner and I thought “fuck you and your potatoes every fucking meal” and just like that we were done. We didn’t stay friends surprisingly.

In the beginning I’d worry if he was late home in case he’d had an accident. When I started to hope he had had an accident and to daydream about life without him I decided the time had come.
And, oh the relief when I left . 4 yo DC’s reaction when told was “Good”.
So no need for guilt there, then.
OP I hope you have a very happy future ahead of you.
Good luck.

I think maybe try counselling and talking about what you want and need from your marriage. If that doesn't work then you know you tried.

Husband was in hospital for 6 weeks with MS relapse, when he came home I realised that I just didn't want him there. It had been rubbish from about 3 months after we got married, with hindsight we should have never have got married. When he came out of hospital he had changed, he was always messing with my head, threatening & gaslighting me saying it was all my fault & all in my head, then he raped me & that put the final nail in the coffin, a week later I came home from work, cooked tea & left him, my head had never been clearer.

I realised how unhappy I was with him when I had a dream that I married him. I woke up from it feeling so depressed. I finally left him when i realised that staying with him because he'd be unhappy if I left was at the expense of my own happiness. I was miserable with him and I finally accepted that I was allowed to be happy too.

When he said in a counselling session (which I'd pushed hard for because we weren't a team with the kids) "of course I'd back her up, if I thought she was right"

There was no drama, no abuse or cheating or anything, just neglect, loneliness and a lack of communication generally which made the love die. I distinctly remember one day thinking 'Another 50 years of this? Really?' and I knew I couldn't do it.

I'm now married to someone else and another 50 years would still not be enough.

There were many reasons why I wanted to leave but it was only when I ran out of reasons to stay that I knew my marriage was over and I was able to leave with no regrets.

It's really hard when you don't have a particular complaint, when DH is lovely and loves you but it doesn't feel right. I am in exactly this situation too. I don't know if I would ever find anyone close to as good as him, but still I am very unhappy with my/our life overall. At the moment im not sure what I will do. Doesn't help, I know but you arent alone.

When husband of OW rang me to tell me he’d just found out my DH was having an affair with his DW
OW was my best friend

When I stopped caring enough to waste my energy arguing anymore.

@raspberryk. Oooh yes - that too. Just realised it was a waste of time/energy/emotional investment to bring things up he couldn’t hear/listen to/change. Why bother?

Even worse on my part, when he threatened to kill himself again, I told him to make sure he did it while we still had life insurance. I just didn't care at that point.

When I realized I was constantly accepting compromises instead of being genuinely happy.

I woke one morning in absolute agony. I really thought I was going to die.

Ended up in hospital having emergency surgery to remove a gangrenous Fallopian tube.

Recovery took several weeks and it was during that time that I decided that I didn't want this to be my life anymore.

Just like Warmhandscoldheart all I could think was, if I had died I would have died unhappy and in this awful marriage. I didn't want to die living like that.

Told him the same night that I wasn't prepared to live with him any more.

When I realised the little accidents I was having were orchestrated by him. When I found sexually explicit drawings he'd done of murdered women. When I realised he had a major secret drinking problem. When I thought about my 2 and 4 year old growing up thinking this was normal. And too many other things too painful to put here. I would never leave my second dh. My first showed me what a fabulous catch my second was.

Mine was quite undramatic. No abuse, no cheating etc. Just the realisation that I was at the bottom of the list. After hobby 1,2 and 3, work, his mother, his brother, his friends. And a lack of shared goals.
We are actually still friends. He's a good man but a poor partner!