To ask how you knew your marriage was over?

[CyberBroccoli]

I've been married for 11 years, DH is 15 years older than I.

We have no DC (we both agreed no DC before we married although I would love a DC now) our lives are free of any responsibility really apart from work and we're very lucky.

But I can't shake the feeling I'm living the wrong life. He's happy to do nothing but I want adventure. He's unmotivated and I'm eager to move forward.

He's kind, caring and would do anything for me - he's only like this with me, though. He's distant, grumpy and uncommunicative with his family and he makes no effort with friends.

I read about abusive, controlling, lazy DHs on here and I think I should feel grateful. But every day I feel trapped. I don't know why, and I worry I'm blaming him but really the problem is me?

If you divorced, what was the deciding factor?

How did people actually feel when it ended ?

Did anyone regret the choice they made...

Iv been feeling like I should end it for a long time.

11 year relationship. 2 kids (8&6). Not married as Iv been putting it off for years. Jointly own our home with about 100k equity. I’m 29.

I just don’t feel happy anymore with him.

I'd be really interested to hear from anyone who didn't or did regret their divorce.

On paper my marriage is great.

In reality, I'm very lonely and living a half-life compromising my happiness for his. And he's not even that happy.

We weren't married but in LTR of about 17 years with 1 child.

Everything was fine until DS came along. ExDP just would not help. My life had been turned upside down by DS' arrival, but DP just carried on - coming home late from work then straight upstairs for an hour to "chill" despite me having been looking after DS all day and desperately needing a break, always out on the piss with his mates and rolling in at 4am. When I went back to work there was an expectation on me to drop DS off at nursery, do a full days work, pick DS up then go home cook dinner, clean up and put DS to bed, whilst DP did fuck all to help

The final straw came when I broke my leg - I got home from hospital and told DP that he now needed to step up as I couldnt drive. His reponse was that as I could get arpund on crutches and was getting a lift to work that my colleague could drop me off at nursery on the way home so i could pick DS up as he "Couldnt do it all"

Of course, when I left he really couldnt understand why...

Best thing i ever did

It took me 2 years to pluck up the courage to leave. Best thing I ever did and I never looked back. Wish I had done it earlier.

@CarrotCaked I'm the same. Married nearly 2 years with 1 DD. On paper all looks great but in reality all DH does is complain about how unhappy he is but I do virtually everything including paying the bills. If I question it all I hear is how hard he works. Well to work so hard for fuck all money and being miserable must make him really bloody stupid. I think its just how he gets out of going anything at home

DH and I did resolve our issues but we did separate for a few months.
He had a car accident, not that serious but it caused about 3k damage and I really didn’t give a shit about him or his precious bloody car. We had been together 17 years and all really good we were proper smug marrieds. Then we suffered DD dying and his sisters behaviour around that event and her hitting our DS and him not supporting me made me detest him with every fibre of my being. An unusual set of circumstances with extreme emotions. We are back together it’s been 2.5 years since we separated for those few months. I never stopped loving him but I really hated him for a while.

Ending my marriage was the best thing I ever did but I'd been unhappy and lonely in my marriage almost from the beginning.

I was very low down on his list of priorities and so were the children: his hobbies, his friends, his family all took precedence.

I got my decree absolute letter the day before what would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary so yes, I did have a little cry, more for the fact of the wasted years than for the marriage.

And I won't lie, it wasn't all plain sailing. He wasn't nice about the break up - although he actually ended up divorcing me under the 2 year separation rule - and made lots of threats about wanting 'his house back', leaving me with nothing and taking the DCs off me; all came to nothing of course.

If I'd known then what I learned subsequent to his leaving and my divorce I wouldn't have stayed anywhere near as long as I did.

I did not want to have sex or any remote affection with him anymore. I felt a bit disappointed when he returned home from work and wanted him to go back to work... I very rarely looked at him because I couldn’t bear to. My eyes started wandering as well, that’s when I knew it was time to walk away.

When one day I thought I’d be happier if he just died.
That was a complete and utter shock.
I wanted to be his wife, not his mother or sister or constant supporter, just his wife, like I used to be.
I wanted him to put me and the children first instead of himself.
That realisation made me understand that I didn’t love him any more and that all respect for him and our relationship had died.
So I stopped giving him any moreended it

When I realised that I was a domestic appliance as far as he was concerned. He'd complain about how untidy the house was, while I ran around after our five small children, and never lift a finger to help. He'd complain about how much everything cost and how lazy I was. Final straw was when a friend hugged me, and I realised that was the first proper physical affection I'd had in years from an adult. He just wanted sex and wouldn't have hugged me any sooner than he'd have hugged the fridge.

When he would go out and I felt relief, like a calm over my house.

Oh and no I have never regretted it for a second nearly three years on. I love my life with my two little ones and no angry, passive aggressive man child to look after!

How old are you OP? It's the DC thing that's would push me. What you agreed years ago has changed for you, that's ok. People change. Do you want to give up on that hope altogether? If he doesn't want a child and you do, and want to try, that would be the decider for me.

I've never regretted it for a single second. We split about 8 years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made.

When my neurosurgeon colleague came out of the scan room, took my hand and said “I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do”. DH was brain dead on a ventilator following a massive subarachnoid haemorrhage, at the age of 36.
He’s been gone 27 years and I still miss and love my soulmate.
I advise all you PPs with abusive DH’s to find the courage to leave them, and find yourselves a loving, caring man like mine.
And I pray you are granted longer than the 16 wonderful years together that we had.

When I had ovarian cancer. I was having treatment for several months , and had a lot of time to mediate and to just lie there and think. I realised then that I'd been putting up with being at the bottom of his "to do" list for many years. Anything and everything came before me.

Twelve months after I recovered, I told him I was divorcing him. Best feeling in the world. I've never regretted it.

*meditate, not mediate.

My husband and I were married almost 10 years and had 3 kids. We got along well, but we were very different people. As the years went by, the differences between us became more and more apparent until they were massive canyons between us. He is a homebody, I love to travel. He is introverted and doesn't maintain friendships. I do like quiet time, but I love being with other people. He likes a narrow selection of food and watching tv, I like exercise and lots of different types of foods. He is cold and physically unaffectionate. I am tactile and love being close to others. The list goes on and on. In the beginning a lot of this wasn't apparent. We were in careers working long hours, we both travelled a lot for work. Once that stopped and we changed jobs, and the years went by, I realised how different we were.

I still remember the exact moment when I knew it was over. We were on holiday in France (it took 2 years to get him to agree to go) and I was watching him with the kids in the park and I just realised that my whole inside was hollow and I was so utterly lonely, and that we had made a huge mistake in getting married. We were great friends, but we wanted massively different things out of life.

After that I went through months and months of turmoil, torturing myself for wanting to leave and thinking I couldn't because of the kids.

But in the end, 8 months later I asked him to move out because I was so irritable and miserabe with the kids because I hated my relationship with him.

He did, and I felt total and utter relief as soon as the door closed behind him.

We have managed to remain on good terms and we are still married, planning to divorce after the two year separation point.

What I will say is this:

My husband has gone out and got his shit together. He's got back in touch with his friends, changed jobs and is even losing a bit of weight. He denies it, but I tell him he was miserable with me.

And I am so happy for him. We were not right together and we can now coparent in a way that works for both of us.

We were lucky, in that we've come through it (and don't get me wrong, there was yelling tears and rage), but I just knew if we stayed together I was going to die years before I needed to because of how unhappy I was.

I wish you lots of strength and luck, whatever you decide to do.

Babdoc I would have loved to have found love like that.

I left my ex after 30 years. I knew I had to go when I realised my DC were falling into depression being around him, he was beginning to show signs of physical abuse, and never lifted a finger around the house, even to the extent of getting children to do his share for him. And I no longer wanted him touching me. I'd tell him what I liked in bed, as he asked me, then he'd do something different saying "you like that, don't you". I ended up faking it so much to keep the peace.

That first night in a bed on my own was scary, but peaceful. We (DC and I) are thriving now.

When I started to rationalise having an affair- at least the kids would still have a 'family'!
It's totally against every fibre of my being to cheat, and I realised Just how lonely I was. Just to want someone to hold me. Of course I didn't do anything but just having that thought finalised it in my head.

It was the beggining off the end when during a conversation with friends about organ donation I realised I'd give my kidney to said friends rather than my then DH as I knew with certainty they'd always be in my life and I couldn't say the same for him. Now whenever a friend is having relationship issues I always pose the kidney question. My current DH can have which ever organ he needs (unless our DD needs it) as I can't picture my life without him.

Not me but, for my BF it was turning 50 and realising that she might have another 50 years with her DH or might drop dead in her 50s like her DM but, either way, she couldn't face spending her remaining time with her DH. She resolved to get her bunions fixed and a divorce within the year - and she did

@fieldsofgold7 I love your perspective

@CrunchTime0 no regrets over leaving whatsoever. One year on I still catch myself smiling when I go to my bed by myself because he's not there and won't be when I wake up!

His Recreational drug taking, dating sites, gas lighting, lies, I didn’t want to be around him, nothing to talk about. We’d sit in silence, not go to bed at the same time! I envied my friends marriage where her husband would ring/text her just for a chat and just the way he is with her, they go out all the time! It was completely different to what I had and I couldn’t understand why or what was wrong with me for him to behave like that. I do get now it wasn’t me and he’s just a prick.
I was so stressed my hair started falling out, he wanted to stay together/have counselling. He thought things would improve in a year.
I looked at him and the thought of being with him when I was 50/60/70 made me feel sick with dread and disappointment!
He doesn’t need to have done anything awful for you to leave. If the relationship has run its course then you don’t need him to have done anything particularly bad.
Life’s too short to live like this! It’s never too late to start again and meet someone new.