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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about baby dad?

76 replies

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:04

AIBU to ask DD's dad to have her for 1 night?

So my ex and i split up a few months back after being together 8 years, we also have a 6 year old DD. I have always worked full time (in order to pay bills its a must) so our DD attends after school care and now currently summer club. I pay all the bills myself and always have, i also pay for our daughters after school care etc without a penny from my ex as his excuse is always (well your the one who wants to work).

Since we have split up the only time DD's dad has seen her is when he collects her from after school care or summer club, from there he will sometimes take her for fast food and he drops her off back home again (sometimes he picks me up from work as i dont drive because i simply can't afford to)! So all in he spends about 1 hour a day with his DD but also some days he doesn't pick her up so they don't see each other!

Some friends invited me out for a few drinks at one of our friends house, i havent been out socialising in around 2 years as it always caused arguments in the relationship if i went out regardless of where i was going so i avoided going out.

So anyway i messaged DD's dad and asked if he would mind having her overnight for 1 night so i could go to my friends and he said "thats just because you dont want her" talking about DD! I do everything all on my own for my DD, never asked him for money towards anything that our DD needs even while in a relationship, i was only asking for him to have DD 1 day. I completely understand the logic that if you have a child its your responsibillity to look after said child which is what i do everyday but am i really being unreasonable to want DD's dad to have her for 1 night?

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 06/07/2019 14:06

He's a cunt.
Does he not want to spend time with his child?
I am sorry he is such an arsehole but I don't know that you will change him.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:15

@TheGoodEnoughWife i dont think its so much the point of not spending time with his DD, i think its still trying to control what i do tbh.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 06/07/2019 14:21

Does your dd want to stay with him?
He’s a fucker but at the same time would she be happy with him ?

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:23

@Wildorcidz she loves her dad so much, it was always him she went to first obv that has changed now that its just me and her but she still enjoys spending time with him

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 06/07/2019 14:31

Yes he definitely is trying to control you. Hence my point - when he's accusing you turn it back on him?

But I agree do you want this battle in your life? Is there anyone else you can use for childcare?

Cherrysoup · 06/07/2019 14:32

I’d find a babysitter, tbh. He still doesn’t want you going out. What a twat. Go through cms for proper child maintenance. Your dd is entitled to it.

user1480880826 · 06/07/2019 14:34

Why are you letting him get away with not paying maintenance? Why do so many women do this?

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:38

@TheGoodEnoughWife unfortunately not as i pushed everyone away because of him and his control and my parents are not worthy enough for me to leave my child in their care. I love having my DD with me 24/7 as she is the highlight of my life but all i wanted was 1 night

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:40

@Cherrysoup unfortunately i have nobody else to have my DD which tbh doesnt bother me as i love having her but works been hectic and i thought 1 wee night wouldnt hurt anybody, obv i was wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:42

@user1480880826 i suppose im just too strong minded i prefer to do things on my own then he cant come back and say "well i done this" etc.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:44

Get child maintenance and get a babysitter.
YABU to try using this piece of shit as childcare.

Lovewineandchocs · 06/07/2019 14:44

So sorry OP, he is being a controlling dick. But you can’t make him do anything, unfortunately. If you can’t get any other childcare, could you explain the situation to your friends and fix another date for your friends to have drinks at yours? Reconnecting with your friends is very important, don’t let him take that away from you-keep the lines of communication open with them. Maybe they could recommend babysitters also for the future?

omafiet · 06/07/2019 14:46

Find a babysitter.

Tallgreenbottle · 06/07/2019 14:46

Take him for everything when it comes to CM, OP. Don't be a mug or martyr. That's what he wants so he doesn't have to fork out.

Use that money for a babysitter. Limit visitation. Save all evidence for when DD is older and show her exactly the man her father was when he starts to bullshit her too.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:47

@AnotherEmma i dont have any other person that would babysit for me, not that i ever need it but i thought with him being her dad he would want to spend more time with her as he was saying when we split up he would take me to court for proper access but i give him access and he doesnt want it 🤷‍♀️ the courts would laugh at him! But again thats another way of hitting me where it hurts as i would need to pay for my legal fees.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:49

@Lovewineandchocs i can see right through him now and i understand it is another way of controlling me even though we are not together, my friends completely understand the situation and we have planned a day together with the kids so everybody wins. Most of my friends use family for childcare but i dont have family behind me so cant use them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:50

@omafiet if it was that easy i honestly wouldnt have bothered putting myself in the situation of asking DD's dad.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:51

" i dont have any other person that would babysit for me"

This is what people pay babysitters for.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:52

@Tallgreenbottle ive always done everything on my own so i feel quite strong headed about even going to CM as it would just be another excuse for him to claim he has done his bit for our child when ive done it all myself for so long! I understand parents should pay for their child but when it comes to him, the less communication the better.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:53

@AnotherEmma im not too keen on leaving my child with people who i dont know, there is way too many horror stories.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:54

Well don't have a life then
Your choice

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:55

" ive always done everything on my own so i feel quite strong headed about even going to CM as it would just be another excuse for him to claim he has done his bit for our child when ive done it all myself for so long! I understand parents should pay for their child but when it comes to him, the less communication the better."

Say what now? You don't want his money because of what he might say? Confused

I don't suppose you know or case that you can set up child maintenance via CMS so you don't even have to talk to him about it.

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:56

Typo - care (not case)

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:57

@AnotherEmma i have a life with my beautiful DD and i wouldnt change it for the world most times when meeting up with friends its always with the kids so i still see my friends etc i just wanted one night of just adult company. When you have kids obv somethings have to stop and i completely understand that.

OP posts:
Littletabbyocelot · 06/07/2019 14:57

I think, if you choose someone experienced and follow up references there are less horror stories than with family / friends. Your dd will benefit from you not being isolated