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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about baby dad?

76 replies

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:04

AIBU to ask DD's dad to have her for 1 night?

So my ex and i split up a few months back after being together 8 years, we also have a 6 year old DD. I have always worked full time (in order to pay bills its a must) so our DD attends after school care and now currently summer club. I pay all the bills myself and always have, i also pay for our daughters after school care etc without a penny from my ex as his excuse is always (well your the one who wants to work).

Since we have split up the only time DD's dad has seen her is when he collects her from after school care or summer club, from there he will sometimes take her for fast food and he drops her off back home again (sometimes he picks me up from work as i dont drive because i simply can't afford to)! So all in he spends about 1 hour a day with his DD but also some days he doesn't pick her up so they don't see each other!

Some friends invited me out for a few drinks at one of our friends house, i havent been out socialising in around 2 years as it always caused arguments in the relationship if i went out regardless of where i was going so i avoided going out.

So anyway i messaged DD's dad and asked if he would mind having her overnight for 1 night so i could go to my friends and he said "thats just because you dont want her" talking about DD! I do everything all on my own for my DD, never asked him for money towards anything that our DD needs even while in a relationship, i was only asking for him to have DD 1 day. I completely understand the logic that if you have a child its your responsibillity to look after said child which is what i do everyday but am i really being unreasonable to want DD's dad to have her for 1 night?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:57

Well pay a babysitter or don't go out, your choice

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:58

@AnotherEmma hes the type of person that would contact me when he realises whats happening if i contacted CM and yes i could block his number but he wouldnt leave it at that.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 14:59

So what? Block his number and report him for harassment if he still contacts you.

You want this guy to look after your daughter, but you're so afraid of him that you don't want the money he is legally required to pay

Haffiana · 06/07/2019 15:01

You are being a martyr for some reason. I suspect it is a control thing on your part, or perhaps you like to feel hard done by.

Your chid's father needs to pay for his child for HER sake, not his and not yours. By stopping that you are doing her a disservice and you are, in fact, as you say stopping him from doing 'his bit'. Why?

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:02

@Littletabbyocelot i still see friends (with our kids) so im not so isolated and with working i socialise with collegues, this has all just happened because i wanted 1 night out, ive always paid for private nurseries and local council registered after school care etc so i wouldnt know where to start with a babysitter tbh.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 15:03

Ask friends for recommendations.
Google local babysitting companies and see what reviews and references they have.

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:03

@AnotherEmma im not afraid of him tbh i was but not anymore i just cant be dealing with the hassle i just want a straight forward life

OP posts:

Tallgreenbottle · 06/07/2019 15:04

Go by the book. Stop being a martyr. You are doing yourself or your daughter no favours.

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:06

@Haffiana i dont feel hard done by at all, i actually feel proud of the life that o have and the sole effort i have put in to raising my DD to be the best person she can! He has never done his bit even when we were together by taking money from him i dont feel like there would be any gain for either my DD or me. We get on fine as we are.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 06/07/2019 15:06

My friend uses a girl from daughters old daycare for babysitting - perhaps an option

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:10

@AnotherEmma @Waveysnail i dont ever need babysitters tbh as i always prefer to just chill out with my DD or go to parks etc when im not working, all i honesty wanted was 1 night.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 15:11

"by taking money from him i dont feel like there would be any gain for either my DD or me."

Well you'd have more money... to pay for babysitting or just to put in savings for DD if you really don't need it.

Legally all he owes is money, he does not have any obligation to see her or do childcare for you. You've said yourself that he will use it to try and control you. Asking him for childcare is a LOT more complicated than getting child maintenance from him.

Meanmate · 06/07/2019 15:11

Yanbu to want dad to look after his child.

However yabu (and martyry) by not getting money off him and not using babysitters. One would pay for the other!

Alternatively, do you have no friends at all to ask in real life? Your friend with the child - her?

You need to think about your daughter and what this way of life says to her about woman and men:

Men can have kids and cherry pick involvement to suit them;

Men can control women, including financially;

Women put up and shut up.

Do you really want these messages for your child? Take a deep breath and sort out the finances. Liberate yourself by finding a responsible teen or two to babysit. Harshly - grow some balls, so your daughter realises it’s normal for women to metaphorically have them too. You owe her not to create another generation who takes this shit lying down.

Best of luck. You can do this.

AnotherEmma · 06/07/2019 15:12

"all i honesty wanted was 1 night."

The great thing about babysitters is that you can just book them for 1 night.

Eliza9919 · 06/07/2019 15:13

You don't want to go through CMS because of his harrasment, but you let him pick you up from work?

timeisnotaline · 06/07/2019 15:14

Taking money would give you money. Babysitters, taking your dd out. It’s the right thing to do that he pays for his dd. You are being a martyr. I adore my children and I pay a babysitter so I can go out. Win win.

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:16

@AnotherEmma he doesnt work so there would be mo CM to give anyway i wouldnt think?

OP posts:

Meanmate · 06/07/2019 15:18

How does he support himself? If someone is in receipt of benefits, surely a small attachment of receipts order would be attached to pay for his child?

itsbetterthanabox · 06/07/2019 15:18

How does he live if he doesn't work?

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:18

@Meanmate my friend has 3 kids so wouldnt want to put any preassure on her by adding another plus its said friend that wanted to get together so it couldnt ask her to watch DD.

OP posts:

itsbetterthanabox · 06/07/2019 15:19

You can get fully registered and insured babysitters.
You've left her with nurseries and you will with schools. Thats the same risk.

Original poster

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:19

@Eliza9919 sometimes he just appears outside my work with DD in his car (i am aware when hes picking her up).

OP posts:

Knitclubchatter · 06/07/2019 15:19

Your dealings with your ex need to be more like business transactions.
He needs not know any details.

Meanmate · 06/07/2019 15:19

Oh mini you’re infuriating!!! Of course you can ask a friend to babysit - a good friend would help you out if their partner could look after her kids (or have yours to sleep over) whilst advising you to get a sitter sorted more formally.

Meanmate · 06/07/2019 15:20

Just read about him turning up at work. You are being a walkover. Either accept your lot or do something about it.

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