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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about baby dad?

76 replies

Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 14:04

AIBU to ask DD's dad to have her for 1 night?

So my ex and i split up a few months back after being together 8 years, we also have a 6 year old DD. I have always worked full time (in order to pay bills its a must) so our DD attends after school care and now currently summer club. I pay all the bills myself and always have, i also pay for our daughters after school care etc without a penny from my ex as his excuse is always (well your the one who wants to work).

Since we have split up the only time DD's dad has seen her is when he collects her from after school care or summer club, from there he will sometimes take her for fast food and he drops her off back home again (sometimes he picks me up from work as i dont drive because i simply can't afford to)! So all in he spends about 1 hour a day with his DD but also some days he doesn't pick her up so they don't see each other!

Some friends invited me out for a few drinks at one of our friends house, i havent been out socialising in around 2 years as it always caused arguments in the relationship if i went out regardless of where i was going so i avoided going out.

So anyway i messaged DD's dad and asked if he would mind having her overnight for 1 night so i could go to my friends and he said "thats just because you dont want her" talking about DD! I do everything all on my own for my DD, never asked him for money towards anything that our DD needs even while in a relationship, i was only asking for him to have DD 1 day. I completely understand the logic that if you have a child its your responsibillity to look after said child which is what i do everyday but am i really being unreasonable to want DD's dad to have her for 1 night?

OP posts:
AncoraAmarena · 06/07/2019 15:20

my parents are not worthy enough for me to leave my child in their care

How so OP?

Oh, and exactly what @Meanmate said.

Also, while he's picking you up from work he's still in there, controlling you.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:21

@timeisnotaline i love being with my DD everyday i prefer to just chill out and not go out drinking (no offence to thoses who do) im not a big drinker anyway so this is a one off.

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 06/07/2019 15:21

@Mini1977 giving you maintenance doesn’t give him additional rights over your children. There are too many men who get away with not supporting their children. By not getting what is due to your children you are not being strong minded, you are letting them down.

Think how much additional money you have spent on your kids over the years because he is not contributing. Think how different your life would have been if you had been able to pay that money into saving for your future or your kids education or your pension.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 06/07/2019 15:24

@Meanmate @itsbetterthanabox he is on some sort of benefits not sure what though.

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 06/07/2019 15:27

Even on benefits they still have to pay maintenance and it'll mean when he gets a job he pay the correct amount. Its taken directly out of wages.
Why do you think only you should pay for the child you both chose to have together?

LauderSyme · 06/07/2019 15:28

Of course you are not being unreasonable for wanting to go out for one night and thinking your daughter's parent might care for her while you do.

feel quite strong headed about even going to CM as it would just be another excuse for him to claim he has done his bit for our child when ive done it all myself

He's doing that anyway though isn't he? You ask for one night off out of 365 and you're the bad guy who doesn't want to fulfil your responsibilities! Make him pay maintenance, it is for the benefit of your child not your self-image.

SkydivingKittyCat · 06/07/2019 15:28

From what you say about him, I don't think I'd even want this guy to look after my kid overnight Confused

If nothing else, you need to have some kind of emergency childcare plan in place as a back up. What if you were taken ill one evening and had to go to hospital?

Get maintenance via CMS. If you don't need it (or are too proud to want it which sounds more like the case) put it in a savings account for her and she can have it when she's older, or you can use it to pay for stuff eg residential trip at secondary school. Even £5 a week for the next 10 years would be £2600.

He's basically got you right where he wants you even though you're not together any more.

Meanmate · 06/07/2019 15:28

Mini, socialising doesn’t mean drinking. I meet friends to chat, eat, feel like an adult, etc. Having your child as your only life will leave you very vulnerable and lonely when she grows up and moves on. That’s quite a burden for a child. If you have nothing else, she’ll know that even if you don’t place pressure on her not to leave you.

timeisnotaline · 06/07/2019 15:31

@timeisnotaline i love being with my DD everyday i prefer to just chill out and not go out drinking (no offence to thoses who do) im not a big drinker anyway so this is a one off.*
Well that’s lovely but you posted because you wanted to go out. People are suggesting perfectly good solutions. If you actually really never ever want to go out then I don’t know why you posted given it was about how your ex won’t mind his dd so you can go out.

Bob5 · 06/07/2019 15:40

Yanbu to want your 6 year old's father to have her overnight
Yabu to call her a baby at 6

sexyfurrytigre · 06/07/2019 15:41

Do u trust him too look after her for even one nite? My hubby lives with us and if I am out or napping he can't be arsed to meet the basic needs of are kids. Before anyone jumps on me, he won't even feed them in my absence. despite the fact I told him what Iceland quick kiddy meals to cook from the freezer, what amounts too feed them and at what time they eat. He ignored me and I only told him these instructions because if I didn't never would then later on say well I didn't tell him they needed feeding and he didn't know where the food is kept, I should have told him what to cook or leave the meal cooked for them. I can't win! He is So pathetic and the kids ended up hungry and cranky when I wake up from nap or returned home if I'm out. He won't even give them snacks which is like no effort at all and trust me are house is full of snacks. My worry is he would insist on having them every weekend if we divorce. Fuck that, he won't meet there needs now so how will he do it in his own house when I'm not there at all to pick up the slack? Is it worth making him look after your precious girl?

sexyfurrytigre · 06/07/2019 15:43

It's her baby And always will be, ffs. Who are you to call her out on that. Troll.

sexyfurrytigre · 06/07/2019 15:48

Why shouldn't she drink booze? All mums need to let there hair done especially single mums or mums like me who have crap hubbys and no family at all to help. Ffs she's a adult and can have a few boozy drinks in someone's house, it's not like she's tarting herself up and drinking all night at a club now and then picking up a stranger to have sex with him after. In her eyes socialising involves some drinks in safety of her friends home. In your eyes it don't, well that's on you not her.. What, are you the how to socialise police now? 😂 Get of your high horse mate

ChippingInLowCarbing · 06/07/2019 15:57

What pretty much everyone has said.

You’re being bloody frustrating - book a babysitter They do ‘just one night’ you aren’t asking them to move in FFS

WE ALL get the message that you’re devoted to your DD and are happy to have her 24/7 ‘except this one night’ and that you’re not really into going out or drinking, we’ve heard you

But stop being such a martyr it’s not a good look and you’ll regret it when your SD is an older teenager out with her friends /boyfriend and you’re home alone feeling abandoned. You need your own life, you can’t just be an extension of your DD. You’ll suffocate her and she’ll pull away from you.

On this occasion, as it’s st a friends house, why can’t you take DD & put her to bed there? That’s what parents did when I was a child. Or just pay a babysitter, agency or local teenager (millions of kids babysat up & down the country daily- it’s really NOT a risky activity)

Oh and get useless twat to pay CMS - save it for DD if you feel you don’t need it.

Pinktinker · 06/07/2019 16:15

Definitely contact CMS. He might only pay £5 a week but it’s something and sounds like the least he can do tbh.

YANBU to ask him to look after his child but sadly he can’t be forced to. You will have to pay for a babysitter if you have no willing family or friends.

TremblingFanjo · 06/07/2019 16:33

YABU to not have dumped him before now.

YABU not to use Sitters so you don't have to beg him for a favour.

YABU not to claim child maintenance.

Meanmate · 06/07/2019 16:46

Sexyfurry: Err she said she didn’t drink- I was saying it wasn’t the be all and end all. You can go out and not drink. Try reading all salient posts before you jump in with your silly responses to posts which haven’t actually been made.

Figgygal · 06/07/2019 16:53

Whatever you think you do need a break sometimes find a babysitter you trust even if you have to pay it would be good for both of you i expect as it all sounds a bit intense

Figgygal · 06/07/2019 16:54

As for your ex he's a total shithead so yanbu there

TheGoodEnoughWife · 06/07/2019 17:55

I agree with others that you are being a martyr. There are no great prizes for all this fantastic parenting you are doing.
Your child is just as likely to have a good relationship with her father in the future. And so should she.
He is just getting away with being a shit parent.

Original poster
Mini1977 · 07/07/2019 21:24

@ancoraAmarena my mum correctly resides with a child molester and my dad is a full time alcoholic. I have said to him to stop collecting me from work. I want to be free from that waste of space

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 07/07/2019 21:28

@timeisnotaline i posted asking i was being unreasonable about baby daddy have his DD one night i dont think that is such a problen tbh, the way i got treated when i asked if he would have her for one single night is the reason i posted here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 07/07/2019 21:29

@Bob5 im sorry but i will call my child what i like! She is my baby and always will be

OP posts:
Original poster
Mini1977 · 07/07/2019 21:31

@sexyfurrytigre im sorry that your husband is like that, are you happy with the realtionship as it sounds to me like hes lazy? I do trust him with our DD but l dont ever want to be in his company again.

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 07/07/2019 21:46

If he's driving a car and still managing to afford to live, he's got a job of some description. Claim CMS and don't deprive your daughter of a decent life just for the sake of it. That extra money might be able to help you run a car of your own.