Women who forget not everyone has access to money from men

[windygallows]

With 34.5% of the population aged over 16 in England ‘single and not cohabiting’ (2015 stats), it’s clear that a significant number of women in the UK, many parents, are single and having to fend for themselves/live on one income.

Yet I'm amazed at the number of women who forget that not every woman has access to a second income from a partner. In fact the privilege of having access to another’s (usually a man’s) income is often naturalized and many women are, or become, totally oblivious to this privilege.

For example just this last week I experienced:

• A woman at work going on and on about the importance of her life/work balance and suggesting I drop my hours to have similar. She works just 2 days/week and seems to forget that such a setup is an absolute privilege, thanks to a husband who works FT.

• Another woman I know who is on quite a low salary bragging about her 3 luxury holidays per year, again thanks to the income from an IT Director husband. She thought she'd give me travel tips in case I wanted to go to the same 5star holiday.

There are a million reasons why women might have to rely on men’s income but I don’t think I ABU in asking women to recognize that their lifestyle and having access to men’s money isn’t the NORM for up to 1/3 of women, who are having to get by on their own accord and lack the same privilege or financial flexibility.

As much as I agree with your philosophy on house security, do you think it would be worth considering if you're picking the wrong kind of men @Theyroamoverhere? Not every man runs off with a new woman.

the man will likely leave for someone else.

as bitter as that sound, thankfully it's not a universal truth!

It's a real shame that you have no female role models with well-paid careers @windygallows, in fact it's actually horrifying that you can't envisage earning money yourself rather than relying on a man for money. It's ok to feel jealous if someone brags about something you want, but if you could use that energy to inspire yourself to achieve more then it would enhance your life. We're all capable of achieving more if we put our focus in the right place. It's up to you; keep putting out every excuse, or use that energy to improve your career.

What are you talking about MRex? I do have lots of female friends with well paid careers and despite being a single parent I have a good career. I think your pep talk is misplaced - I'm not making excuses, just trying to present what that I've experienced as a single parent in my 40s liaising with lots of women of the same age. Should I not talk about my experience or gloss it over because my perspective isn't sanctioned/appropriate?

What's happened here, OP, is that you've met some rather insensitive people who have made silly assumptions without thinking. And then you've tried to garner some sympathy by making some equally silly and insensitive comments of your own.Hopefully what you've now discovered is that making sweeping generalisations about other people's situations is, well, a bit crass.

The examples I gave in my original post were just a few of the many, many comments or insinuations or insensitive statements made over time. It's almost impossible to post on MN without making some form of generalization but I am flagging up that there is a particular group, I've found, behave in a particular way because, frankly, all I have is my own experience as a starting point!

@windygallows - you have a good career, your friends have well-paid careers, then why the references to a "man's money" being needed? Why the envy because your colleagues witter on about some holidays?

Fannywork, to your comment that I am sexist because I don't appreciate that women can be the higher earner, or have access to more money etc - of course I appreciate that but statistically the reality is men earn more over their lifetime and particularly in their 40s and 50s. So since I can't mention every permutation and combination of financial set ups what I have mentioned is the DOMINANT one.

And some of us have nice lifestyles and support our 'men' in having the same, I far out earn my husband, but don't worry I'll make sure I'm grateful to have access to his income

🤔 Financial freedom/ security in ANY form is a huge priveledge and I don’t think it’s women with their DH’s income who are the worst offenders at this (as most have sacrificed to have children etc so rightly consider their incomes jointly)

Those with wealthy parents are MUCH worse! I’m in my mid twenties and it honestly disgusting how many of my age group think that being gifted £20k-£50k for houses, wedding...etc is TOTALLY normal.

A friend of mine’s gran jury left him almost a million pounds and he’s bought a house ‘can’t understand what the big fuss about housing is... totally easy to get on the housing ladder yah?’ 🤔🙄

Oh and almost all of the women I know earn the same or more than their partner

But I'd never take luxuries from a man, theyre only on loan till the next one comes along, marriage or not.

What a sad, sad view on a marriage. I do feel sorry for you with this sort of attitude, you have obviously been hurt at some point. You will never be in a healthy relationship with this view.

MRex don't you ever get fed up of something? This is just me fed up that we live in a society that preferences married people and those in trad patriarchal set ups and I'm a bit tired of women who forget how much easier life is when someone helps with the cash flow.

@windygallows and there is probably a skint married couple out there, stating they feel aggrieved that people harp on about societal preferences to married couples when they are both working full time and having to go to food banks to feed their children !!!!! And look at the single parent who doesn't have to do that .....boy their life is much better !!!

Try to appreciate what you do have.

@windygallows - we have enough for what we want, we're happy (or will be when molars finish coming in). I've felt that I was missing things in the past, so I went after them and made changes to my life. Of course two salaries are easier than one, but then look at how many women on here seem to pick up dickheads, life can also get a whole lot worse. You clearly don't have enough financially for what you want in life or you wouldn't be raging about a daft hotel recommendation; so make changes, only you can fix this one. It doesn't sound like your issue is being lonely nor sharing the emotional load, so happily you can avoid the hell of dating for now. What you can do is put your efforts into taking the next career step (whatever looks fun to you) and earn more.

MRex and Tigger - I'm content in my life but that doesn't mean that certain things don't irritate me. However telling me that the solution is just about how I'm going to have to change me, my career and my perception, not society or other people making judgement, is kind of a kind of a 21st century Oprah-like, neolib approach to problem solving, don't you think?

windygallows - do you really think that these women are forgetting how much easier life is when someone helps with the cash flow? The comments you reference demonstrate that they are only too aware of that fact. It's not as if they are complaining about their work life balance or three holidays a year, is it? Lucky for them if they can share the load, financial, emotional, intellectual and physical, rather than having to do everything themselves - no wonder society prefers that, it sounds a much more agreeable life for all concerned if it works out.

You aren't content at the time when you're irritated. The easiest solution is to not be irritated. You can be less irritated by either getting what you want so the green-eyed monster isn't needed, or by changing your perception. What "solution" is acceptable to suggest instead? A law banning anybody from ever mentioning their holidays?

@windygallows I think you are totally right. It’s hard being a single parent and sad that so many women are still content to live off men in 2019. As for all the “he wouldn’t have his career if he didn’t have a sahm” that’s just not true. Us single mums manage to do our jobs and be good and active parents- not sure why men can’t manage to have a career and actually do some childcare.

@MRex the op is venting about some irritating people on an internet message board. Not sure why you take such exception- what she is describing is pretty irritating

My DP benefits from the fact I earn more then him but without his salary we would be up shit creek financially as we need it for the life we like to leave.

zsazsajuju - if it's so hard being a single parent, then why are you wishing everyone else's life were harder too? You make the world you aspire to sound a bit shit.

@walkaround - what world I aspire to? What are you talking about? How am I wishing everyone else’s life was harder?

What’s shit about having a career and being an active parent to your kids? Why does financial independence sound so “shit” to you?

Of course it’s hard work and we should have career structures and workplaces that suit working women more. But it’s you who think the life of a working mother is “shit” not me. I would rather work and care for my dds than live off someone else. I am proud of the example I show them and it makes me sad that some women still have views like you in 2019.

zsazsajuju - I suggest you change the way you phrase things, then. "It's hard" does not mean the same thing as "it's hard work but emotionally rewarding and fulfilling." Why would anyone want their life to be hard? That is what you actually said, so forgive me if I took you at your word!! And why do you have such a problem with two salaries combined? Why is that women living off men or vice versa?

@zsazsajuju - I take exception to OP being sexist in assuming that women can't have more money than men, did you only read the last page? I've been trying to turn it around into something positive where she can use her envy to inspire herself to achieve more. Now here you are, with the "sad that so many women are still content to live off men"; casually making the same sexist assumption that women can't have just earned their own money so they can afford to work part-time and have luxuries. Meanwhile casually insulting every SAHM who's making a decision that works for their family. You don't know every woman's circumstance, so don't let your jealousy lead you into insults. If you don't like your own situation then put that energy into changing it.

Or what about men who have a much better lifestyle because they have access to a woman’s money?

What a sad, sad view on a marriage. I do feel sorry for you with this sort of attitude, you have obviously been hurt at some point. You will never be in a healthy relationship with this view
I wouldn't want one-I haven't been hurt, am realistic. The amount of women who couldn't envisage being alone 'for the kids'; to 'be a proper family'; for lifestyle or so they just aeen't single is the sad part. I'm proud of being strong, and happy that way too.